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Growing up with you
while you lived
out of a van that
you stole.
You teaching me
how to fend for
myself,
but telling me
that I would never
need to, because
you would always
be there anyways.
Introducing me to
music that
scared me at first
because it talked
abut the impossible:
death.
Sneaking into the
back of my
first piano recital.
Crying when I skipped
a grade.
"Baby, you're growing
up too fast."
Holding each other after 9/11 -
you didn't understand
either,
but you were so old
in that moment.
Crying again when I moved.
Then you acted like
a child.
"WHY ARE YOU LEAVING
ME?!?!?!"
Pretending that I didn't
know you
as you stood on the
street corner
while I drove away.
I feel a strange pressure
on my back as I do
so,
then I realize that
it's you, you and Jersey
pushing me out.
"Get away. You're leaving
us. We don't even care.
Get away. It's what
you deserve."
Crying
Crying
Crying
TAKE ME HOME!
Pretending you're
one of my
other
friends so we can
talk on the phone.
Going back.
Going back for a visit.
Seeing you
everywhere.
You give a
smirk
a wink
a small
wave.
A call from DJ.
"He's back on the
heroin. He has been
for a while.
We had to drag
him into rehab.
They said
one
more
fix,
and he's dead."
Trying everything.
Tough love
bought you an
attempt at
suicide.
Dosing you in small
pieces
and you get closer to
death.
Back for another visit.
"No, I won't come see you.
You fucked up too many
times. You KNEW that
you could always come
back, no matter what you did.
Not this time."
Our last phone
conversation.
"I love you! You're my
brother!
Don't leave me!"
"Okay. I'll try."
04.00 AM
"Um, listen...he...he passed
a couple of minutes
ago."
"Oh."
The last thing you said
was
"Tell her I'm sorry. I'm
sorry I was
such a
disappointment."
NO.
Flashbacks.
All day.
Don't cry.
DON'T YOU DARE CRY.
Too young.
Too young.
Though nothing about
you was a certainty,
one thing
I'm sure of
is that you are
watching me.
Another angel of mine.
So much
we should have done.
And I KNOW
I shouldn't have hurt
you like that.
But now -
now and
forever,
I won't have to
fend for myself
cos you're
beside me.
And I won't ever
leave you
again.