HOME | DD

Description
Shoshanna remembers very clearly one day her junior year of high school. It was the day before exams started, the last day for seniors exempt from those exams. The weather was absolutely perfect, she had no homework, and she was with her friends on a Tuesday that felt like a Friday.

She remembers thinking that she never wanted to get older – that sixteen forever was just fine with her. She knew senior year would fly by and then it would be time for college, and then she'd get a job, and BAM life would be on the downhill slope. Shoshanna had tears in her eyes as Jay-z's "Young Forever" played on the radio.

Just a picture perfect day that lasts a whole lifetime and it never ends cos all we have to do is hit rewind.

Shoshanna is no longer a junior in high school – now she teaches juniors high school. She lives and works in Camden, New Jersey, the Most Dangerous City in America, and just like when she was sixteen it still gives her a thrill to think that. It takes some kind of courage to live everyday there, in the middle of the Dirty Jerz. But she wasn't sent to Camden High, she didn't "end up" here. It was always Shoshanna's goal to teach at an inner-city, underprivileged school. Every one of her kids is a struggla, a sufferah, with a message for the world. Not one of them should have to slip through the cracks, not if Ms. Leventhal can help it.

The end of the year is fast approaching for her junior class, a mix of US History and remedial World History students repeating the class they failed freshman year. This is one of the better groups she's had. It looks like 85% of her students are going to pass, through hard work and an understanding, in more than enough cases, that they are running out of chances.

However, that leaves 15% failing, and Shoshanna feels a stab of guilt. She will always wonder what she could have done better, how she could have motivated them more, how she could have been of help more readily outside the classroom. However, she has no time to dwell. Benjamin HaLevy is one of her failing students and his father is here to talk to her about why and what can be done to see if he has a chance to graduate on time.

Mr. HaLevy can't be more than thirty-five and by G-d he is good looking. He has the dark features of their common ancestry, as people of the book. However as a young parent, Shoshanna has to deal with him cautiously – the young ones tend to be too naïve and optimistic about their child's situation (or nephew, or sibling…). This is Ben's second go at World History. He must have this course. Mr. HaLevy can't treat this lightly, so neither can Shoshanna.

She knows that he works the night shift and so is coming before he goes to his job. She can't waste his time. He comes into her room in jeans and a t-shirt, hair disheveled, face not entirely clean-shaven. He probably woke up not long ago. She hates to start off his workday with bad news and ill conversation, but for Ben's sake she has to. "Good afternoon, Mr.-"

"Robert. Rob. Please. Thanks for having me, Ms. Leventhal. Shabbat shalom."

Out of a habit older than time itself, Shoshanna doesn't miss a beat before she responds "Shabbat shalom" in turn.

"Do you go to temple? Can I take you there?" What is he playing at? Of course she goes to temple, but she was willing to miss tonight's service to talk to Rob. Him taking her sort of defeats the purpose…

"We can talk on the way there, I promise. And I'll take you home. I don't want you to shirk on your duty to G-d." He winks at her. She is this close to being completely taken in. Extremely handsome Jewish man, practicing, with a Jewish son she adores and a stable job. If only it wasn't totally unethical.

On the other hand…

It would be rude to refuse. They can talk on the way there – temple's not exactly close. She shouldn't miss service when she has the option to go. Rob's being very polite. Everything happens for a reason.

Each one of those excuses works, but instead of vomiting words, Shoshanna puts on her best smile and says, "Why not?"

Shoshanna takes the city bus to work and can generally walk or use that same bus to get wherever she needs to go, and as such feels a little weird sitting in a car. Rob's car. Rob HaLevy's car. She shouldn't be here. This is so wrong. She doesn't trust herself to get this right, to not screw up and do something completely inappropriate. This isn't just her job or Ben's grades – this is honor for both of them. This is if anything goes wrong Ben will find out and she will have to look at him 2nd period Monday as if nothing was different.

"Ms. Leventhal?"

She murmurs "Shoshanna."

"Are you all right, Shoshanna? Do you want me to open a window?"

She hadn't realized she looked sick. "No thank you, I'm fine." Shake it off. Talk about Ben. He's what's important here. "So, as you know, Ben needs World History to graduate. I was afraid of doubling up on social studies this year, but he's doing very well in honors US."

"Did you have him freshman year? I can't remember."

"Yes. He failed both the midterm and the final, but he had a C in the class all year."

"What changed?"

Rob already knows. He knows that Ben is suffering from major depression because an injury ended his baseball career for life. He knows they've switched medication three times and each one fucks him up in a different way. He knows that he's partially at fault – he sleeps during the day, works at night, and drinks and smokes in between. But Shoshanna can't say any of that.

All she says is "He's stopped caring."

At the next red light, Rob rubs his eyes and exhales sharply. "What do we have to do."

She likes that Rob realizes the gravity here and is being very practical, very matter-of-fact. "I've looked at his other grades, and he'll pass everything else if he gets at least a C on each final, which he'll do. But no matter what, even if he gets an A on my exam, he's going to fail World History again."

"What's his average? I lost his progress report I think-"

"That's all right, you sent in a note." Rob nods as the memory comes back to him. "He's got a fifteen."

Rob's hand slips from the top of the steering wheel to the horn and a loud HONK erupts, getting them a few fingers and swear words in at least five different languages. "What."

Shoshanna sighs. "That's for the semester. He hasn't turned anything in since before winter break. I don't give that many quizzes or tests – his grade basically depends on projects and classwork or homework. He turned in the project on ancient Islamic society in November. That was the last of it."

Rob looks at her, as if trying to gauge her level of honesty, and Shoshanna can see how tired Rob is. The circles under his eyes look darker than they did a month ago, when they last met to talk about Ben. Maybe he doesn't sleep during the day. Maybe he doesn't sleep at all. This is the tricky part about being a teacher – she can't know what's going on at home. She can't know all of their situation. "I told him I would still accept assignments late because of his medical situation-"

"Ms. Leventhal, I deeply apologize for putting you in this situation all year. Please don't make excuses for my son. He's had opportunities. Is there any way that he doesn't have to take this senior year?"

"Summer school."

"Shit." Rob runs his fingers through his hair. "His license got suspended. Do they bus to summer school?"

"Yes sir. I'll be teaching that course so he'll have a comfortable environment. I'm confident about it."

"I know Nathan's got to do summer school too, Nathan Baer. Will you be teaching him too?"

How fast will she get fired for answering that honestly?

"Yes. But I think that without D'Angelo in there, the Dream Team can get broken up and there won't be as much of a distraction for either Ben or Nathan. You know D'Angelo's the catalyst." All of that was technically confidential. How many rules will Shoshanna break today?

"I love Nathan, I love D'Angelo, but this Dream Team shit has got to end. You remember they got into that rumble with, ah, who was it…Dontae, Antonio, and Michael? It's a gang war with six kids and all their idolizers."

Pulling into the temple parking lot, he continues, "At least the three of them and D'Angelo are graduating soon."

She won't say how volatile that disaster of a situation is.

They get out of the car, but Rob doesn't move to go inside. He instead leans against the door and beckons her over to him. He looks her in the eyes for a good ten seconds, and she holds his stare. Shoshanna can't ignore how handsome he is. He is straight gorgeous, even with how exhausted he is, and she can feel her face heating up. He finally says "He's only going to summer school if you're teaching. You're the only one in the tri-state area I trust with him."

A smile slips out. She couldn't convey to him how honored it makes her feel to hear that. He chuckles at the sight of her, how she doesn't look much older than Ben probably, or how obviously she's crushing on him, or both. They walk into temple and sit in a back pew. Rob takes out one of the siddurim and starts flipping through it. His kippa is crooked. Shoshanna's fighting hard not to reach out and fix it, that she might find out what his hair feels like.

Rabbi Mark starts playing the guitar and singing a niggun and Kabbalat Shabbat has begun.

He asks for them to say Shabbat shalom to someone nearby, and Shoshanna turns to Rob. Before she can say anything, he takes her face in both hands and very gently kisses both cheeks, whispering "Shabbat shalom."

She's breathless. She's on fire. She can't speak. All she can do is mouth the words.

She doesn't come to her senses until the Amidah is over and Rabbi Mark is halfway through his sermon. She looks at Rob, who has his hand on her knee. He doesn't return her glance, but he does squeeze an acknowledgment. She blushes, hyperconscious of each of his fingers, of her breath shortening, her sweat glands activating.

Shoshanna almost loses it when he starts moving his thumb back and forth.

Finally it's time for the yahrzeits and the mourner's Kaddish and they have to stand. As Rabbi Mark is closing up, Rob puts his arm around her waist. She flinches a little, and he whispers "Shh" and oh there goes that thumb again. What's he going to do when they leave? It's dark out. She has no other way home. Camden has never felt scarier to her. Oh G-d. Oh G-d. Oh G-d.

"Shoshanna!"

Oh G-d.

It's the Rabbi. She's safe for now. He calls from the bimah "You coming to Oneg?" She looks at Rob, who calls back "Yes" and they move into the adjoining room.

Rob's hand never leaves her.

At least they're in a crowd, for the time being. They have a small amount of red wine when the Kiddush is said, and then they don't drink any more. Rob and Shoshanna mingle a little, going their separate ways for a while. Shoshanna loses track of time, but when she looks at her phone and sees how late it is, she knows that they need to leave. When she can't find Rob, she decides to go outside and wait on him, but he's already there.

As soon as he sees her he puts the cigarette dangling from his mouth out. Without a word, they get in his car. Shoshanna considers her options. She should probably tell him her brother's address, or call her sister and ask her to be at her apartment before Rob drops her off.

"I'm not gonna do anything, Shoshanna."

He's looking at her, his brown eyes swimming with passion and emotion and looking so young, pulling her own eyes to meet them. "Where am I taking you?"

On the other hand…
Why does she distrust him? She's the infatuated teacher, he's the parents of one of her students. He deserves the benefit of the doubt, if not an apology. The only one in the wrong is Shoshanna.

"Turn left out of here and keep straight…"

Rob is humming the version of V'ahavta that they sang, her favorite by Julie Silver. His singing was pleasant to listen to, raspy but full and quite possibly trained, in childhood. His voice goes even deeper as he hums, hand hanging out the window. She gets so used to it that when he stops, she looks up at him. He smiles at her, a different smile than she's seen from him thus far. He's not looking at Ms. Leventhal. He's looking at Shoshanna.

"I think it's cute that you have a crush on me."

It takes every ounce of her not insubstantial willpower to not react at all, just keep picking at her fingernails as if she hadn't heard him.

"Maybe I should phrase it differently. It's cute because I've been trying to flirt with you for three years and all I had to do was take you to temple."

Well now. That she can't ignore.

"Three years?"

"Yep. When Ben was a freshman he had you (I actually didn't forget that) and when we met you for the first time at open house I thought you were damn near the most adorable thing, well, woman I'd ever seen. Nothing's changed since."

She's moved to biting her nails. She goes over every encounter with Mr. HaLevy in the past three years and comes to the conclusion that she is the most oblivious creature G-d ever created. "Now what."

"Now I'm taking you home, and our first date will be over. Did you like it?"

A tear slides down her cheek, just one, as Shoshanna realizes something. Rob glances over at her, does a double take, and pulls the car over. She wouldn't let anyone but her brother and Rob stop a car in Camden at night. "What's wrong, hon? Did I upset you? I'm sorry, I just-"

"I'm scared of letting people touch me. I feel dirty afterwards, like I've been violated in the worst way. But you…you did it right."

Realizing that there's history there for another time, being tactful enough to have some patience, Rob kisses the palm of her hand and starts the car again.

Shoshanna has just given her heart away.

He walks her up to her door. Before she goes inside, he takes her hand and interlaces their fingers. "When can I see you again?"

"Whenever you want."

They remain quiet for a little longer, Shoshanna leaning against her door, enjoying the air, Rob propping his elbow and forearm on the post, careful not to break the mezuzah. He considers the time on his phone for a second, and then leans in and kisses her.

Like a good many first kisses it starts softly and briefly, all mouth. But Shoshanna gasps, and her lips part, and it turns more probing, more heated. Rob puts both hands on either side of her head, on the door, and Shoshanna grips his small hips, pulling him as close as she can stand.

He tastes so different from anyone she's ever kissed before. He tastes like good Oneg wine and cheap cigarettes, Blue Mountain coffee and gas station beer. He tastes like everything she ever wanted and everything she can never have. Wherever he wants to lead her, wherever he wants this to go, she'll follow him. You don't say no to people like Rob HaLevy.

He starts nipping gently as can be at her neck, at the skin below her ear, and moves down, unbuttoning as he goes. Shoshanna chuckles when Rob gives a frustrated groan at her undershirt, cursing it for slowing him down. She fumbles with the keys, trying blindly to fit the right one into the lock. She finally succeeds, and before they tumble in the door, Rob reaches up and kisses the mezuzah.

She's not sure if that's sacrilegious or the most holy thing she's ever witnessed.

Shoshanna wakes up because Rob rolls out of bed to answer his phone. Knowing she'll never fall back asleep, she quietly gets up too and moves into the bathroom, where she can hear both ends of the conversation. Rob's in the kitchen – the bathroom shares a wall with it, a thin wall at that. He's talking to Ben.

"I wasn't drunk. I wasn't hi-no, neither was she. We went to temple, I took her home."

"And then you slept with her. Sounds pretty typical for you, and normally that's okay,
except – wait – SHE'S MY FAVORITE TEACHER."

"Ben, I really like her-"

"Did you really like all the other ones?"

"That's different. I want to date her."

"Great start, Dad. Fuck you. Don't come home."

"Ben-"

"If you do, let me know before so I can leave."

Uh oh. This is her fault. She should have said no to his offer to take her to temple, or they shouldn't have stayed for Oneg, or shouldn't have kissed, or…

"See anything you like?"

Shoshanna realizes she's standing there, staring in the mirror. She looks over at Rob, wearing some black sweatpants that she'd seen in the back seat of his car, no shirt, hair tousled even more. He looks gorgeous. This sucks. There's not gonna be an easy way to cut him off, because she doesn't really want to. She could see herself falling in love with Rob, and she doesn't want to end that before it begins.

"You," she answers without thinking.

He gives a small laugh. "I know you heard all that. If you do like me, I want you to think before you do this. Will it be too difficult on you?"

She looks back into the mirror. In herself, she sees sixteen year-old Shoshanna, young forever, preserved in her mind. That girl would say "Go for it. You're mature. Ben's mature. Everyone's mature. No one has to suffer here." Then she gets this vision of G-d, arms folded, shaking his head, so disapproving of her actions.

Then she looks at Rob, who just fought for her, in defense of her, against his own son. Who is she to turn her back on that? That was a selflessness she can't expect to run into, a deep level of commitment. Rob is serious. Is she?

He starts to answer for her. "Listen, I, uh…I haven't dated anyone since my wife left me when Ben was really little. I'm not sure I remember how it's supposed to go, but I can promise you'll be getting 100% of me. Not fifty, not seventy-five, not ninety-nine. I'll deal with Ben. And I'll do everything possible to make you so happy."

Shoshanna's either got herself a good man, or she's a complete-ass sucker for the game Rob's spittin.

He holds out his hand, a gesture of trust, of willing her to believe in him, and Shoshanna takes it. He pulls her into a hug, and Shoshanna closes her eyes. He's very warm, very smooth and well-built, and she would very much like not to move from where she is right now. She would let him keep her safe in the trenches of Camden, and she gets the feeling that he would. He kisses the top of her head and nuzzles her hair, and then he lets go.

"Are you leaving?" That sounded a bit more plaintive and childish than she wanted it to.

"No. Well, not unless you want me to," he says with puppy dog brown eyes and a tilt of his head. She smiles, and he smiles back, and Shoshanna gets that jolt of nervous yet happy butterflies impacting her stomach. Young forever.

"Why don't you stick around? I'm gonna shower, but the fridge is yours if you want it." He kisses her chastely and then without a word he goes back to the kitchen. Shoshanna finds herself smiling again, more, in spite of herself, as she gets some clothes and closes the bathroom door. Rob's turned on ESPN.

She could like this guy.