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Thump. Thump. Thump.
The rapid beating of your heart rings in your ears. Your breath is ragged. A disgusting sticky mixture of sweat and blood holds your hair against your face.
Thump. Thump. Thump.
You try focus all your attention on the accelerated beats. Try to distract yourself from the excruciating pain in your arm, or rather, where your arm should be. Blood actively pours from your right shoulder, where the arm has been ripped off by a titan. Your other arm is holding tightly onto the tree in which you’re hiding. You cling onto the trunk of that tree as if your life depends on it, as if your grip on the tree would be strong enough to keep you in place if a titan were to find you.
You laugh, the taste of blood and tears contaminating an action that is usually seen as joyful. It doesn’t matter, any laughs you manage to get out aren’t because you are happy, no, it’s just upsettingly hilarious that you could even consider that you have the strength to hold onto this tree for dear life. You are going to die. Whether it’s in the mouths of the titans or from bleeding out, it’s inevitable. There’s not much chance of survival with a broken leg and missing arm.
You are going to die.
Slowly, you ease yourself down to a sitting position on the branch, hissing in pain as your leg is introduced to pressure that you’d really rather not deal with right now. Finally in a sitting position, you lean your head against the tree trunk, sighing deeply. Your heart beat is still concerningly fast, but it has slowed down from the initial adrenaline attack. There’s not much longer until it slows down to a stop completely. It’s either that or the titans. All you have left to do is wait.
It’s not all that bad, is it? Your life couldn’t be described as good or noteworthy up to this point. Every day was an endless cycle in a war against an undefeatable foe. In the grand scheme of things, you were essentially worthless, just a worthless little human living a worthless little life. At least now that you were gone there would be more food for someone else. Eyes clenched shut, you manage to smile at the thought, really smile. Maybe by dying, you would be allowing someone the meal that could save their life, or something. It’s a pathetic thought, but it brings great comfort in this time of death. You have fully accepted your fate. In fact….
You’re about to fling yourself off the tree, speed up the death process a bit when-
“Y/N!” You know that voice… You open your eyes to see your best friend, Jean, soaring through the trees towards you. He lands on the tree, taking in your broken appearance. “Fuck, Y/N, what happened?”
You glare at him with a weak gaze. Just because you’re on your death bed, that doesn’t mean you can’t sass him when he asks stupid questions. “Get out of here,” You manage to growl.
“No way. We gotta get you back home.” He starts to bend down to pick you up.
“I said to get out of here! I’m not going to let you die saving me!”
“Then I guess I’m just going to stay alive saving you. There’s no way in hell I’m leaving you here to die.” He slips his arms under you, despite your protests, lifting you up as he holds you tightly against his chest.
“Why? My stupid old body is just going to slow you down! You should just save yourself!”
“I let you die, a part of me dies with you. I am saving myself. Do me a favor, shut up and stay alive.”

Hours have passed. You’re back safe and sound behind the protection of the walls. You sit in an uncomfortable bed, blank gaze on your face. Your shoulder and leg have been tended to. The bleeding has more or less stopped and you’ve been told that you’re going to survive. You can’t hear your heart beat. Is there even a heart in there? It doesn’t feel like it. You just feel… empty. You were so prepared to die. Why didn’t you die? Why couldn’t Jean just let you die?
“Hey.” You turn to watch as Jean takes a seat next to you. “How are you feeling?”
You look away from him, scowling at your hand resting in your lap.
“Y/N? Are you okay?”
You continue to glare at your hand, if looks could kill, you’d ask for a mirror.
You hear Jean sigh. “Y/N, what’s the matter? Could you please talk to me already?”
“Why did you save me?” You whisper in a raspy breath.
“I couldn’t just let you die.”
You whip your head around to look at him. “Yes you could! You should have! I never would have forgiven myself if you died trying to save my stupid ass!”
“Yeah?” His voice raises a bit. “Well I never would have forgiven myself if I had just left your stupid ass to die there all alone!”
“It’s not like I deserve it…” You grumble under your breath.
“What was that?”
“I said that it’s not like I deserve it!” You shout. “Is that loud enough for you, or do I need to repeat it again?!”
Jean looks at me with a shocked expression. I look away again. My voice is softer when I speak again. “I’m sorry, I just- I… I don’t really see the point. It’s not like there’s any point to me being alive. I’m completely useless. We’re fighting this endless war, and I’m not doing anything to make a change in it. At least by dying I could have been freeing up space for other people to live in, granting meals to people who need them. I would have done more good by dying then staying alive. Now I’m just sitting here, eating precious rations while I lay in bed crying about this stupid life. Boo hoo.”
“Y/N-“
“No, Jean. Don’t you dare tell me that I am worth it. Don’t you dare tell me that your life is worth risking for someone as dumb and useless as me. Don’t you dare tell me that losing two lives is better than saving more. It’s bullshit and we both know it.”
“Just listen to me, will you? I told you before, when you told me to save myself, by saving you, I am saving me, but that’s not why I did it. Y/N, I love you, and if I were going to lose you, if I had to lose my best friend again, I wouldn’t be able bare it. I saved you because you saved me. When Marco died, who was right there for me to lean on? You! When I wake up every morning struggling to get out of bed, whose smile convinces me that another day just might be worth living? Yours! When everything in the world seems to be all wrong, which we both know is a lot, who is there to make it brighter? You!
You are not worthless and if anyone deserves to live through all this, it’s you! I saved you because I fucking love you, Y/N! So don’t you dare tell me that you don’t deserve it, because I will do everything in my power to make sure that you do! You deserve all the happiness in the world, and you better not doubt it, because if you do, I’m just going to have to keep on saving you.”
“Jean, I-“ I’m interrupted by warm lips pressed against mine, and suddenly, something makes me want to believe him.