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antidepressant72 — Reputation of a Prisoner
Published: 2003-09-26 21:02:11 +0000 UTC; Views: 73; Favourites: 2; Downloads: 8
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Description
She spends the long days waitingFor a letter to come addressed to her
She'll split it open and find the money
To buy a new supply of torture
She wraps her fingers around the bars
And looks out upon the world
She prays for death among the stars
So she can be that famous girl
She presses her chest against the mirror
And breaks the glass again
She awaits the day when she will have you
Sprawled across her bed
She rips her knuckles through the walls
And tears apart her chains
She wants to get out of her prison
And see the world again
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Comments: 4
The first couple of lines could have a lot more impact if you made them longer, and drew it out, emphasizing the tedium and length of her waiting.
The rhyming in this is clever and not forced, I didn’t realize it rhymed until I got to the third stanza.
She prays for death among the stars – I enjoyed this line, perfectly flowing, and for some reason hit me hard.
The third stanza baffled me however; it flows nicely and is expressed well but seems out of place. Perhaps you need to articulate who “you” is.
The fourth stanza is a surprising one, a big change in character from peering out from a prison, to rejecting it with power. I like this; however the last two lines are too simple in language and betray the poem.
All in all an enjoyable poem, many people seem to draw out poems to be long and lengthy, but I’m glad you kept this one short and sweet. The rhythm is this is well maintained, as is the rhyming.
Ah k I read it again and just realized another pattern in this one, the repetition of the word “she” for every second line. Wow!!!! I can’t believe I didn’t notice that, very well done!!! Emphasizes the power of her, or even the power of the individual, within this poem. The power to change………
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She'll split it open and find the money
To buy a new supply of torture
That's really great. I like the desciption, as well. Good job. Instant Fave.
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I love it... It's beautiful! I might just do something with that. Beautiful. omg, wonderful.
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