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ashellessmind — Tracking Rain
Published: 2013-04-16 08:49:55 +0000 UTC; Views: 1312; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 1
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Description
The insinuation of soft salt-rose-petaledrain pelting the window whistles
into these too changeable ears until 24 years,
seized with overbearing yearning, pour
into a single glass. The year I became Christian,
which is the year you drowned me
in a reign of love, whisks castaway
among a torrent of lingering & malingering
& my engulfment is recast
as you lifting me dripping to the surface.
Soon the self I had perceived hardly seems to be,
but for a faint rattling like that of train
tracks being racked upon my brainwaves
& although stronger metallurgy leads to more
pristine machinery, so does the warping
of the rack lead to both a wandering from
& wonderment at a rainy day's brilliant
ability to diffuse.
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Comments: 3
I'm very much taken with this revision. It is powerful.
I wonder though if it would be even more so if it ended "dripping to the surface" and you could use what works in the following stanzas to seed new poetry.
Why not lift instead of lifting?
Good job.
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Shouldn't it be "insinuation ... rains"?
That sequence of d's doesn't really work for me or with what comes before. They run contrary to what I think rain does for most people. So, more persuasion needed, or else just cut 'em.
This poem is all over the place on some things. The gold in with the dross. There is gold. Returning to rewrite long after you've forgotten the original experience would be of great benefit to this poem.
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