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Where do I come from? Where DO I go???

Personal stream-of-consciousness essay-ish thing below:

-------------------------------------

Beginning-of-the-year reflection time!

When I was a child, I’d picture my mid-20s self in my first job, fresh out of college.
Looking back now, with three volunteer years, a failed traineeship and a long term mental hospital stay coming up… I suppose I was naive.
I’ve learned a lot since then. Much of it the hard way.

The German education and job system is great for those who fit the mold… and leaves behind way too many people that don’t. For two years, I tried to change myself to fit said mold. Be the best student, the best employee, the best friend, the best artist… All at once. All I got was disillusionment for not being good enough, burnout that lasts until now, and at some point su*ical ideation.
I tried to be everything and do everything… So much that I ended up being able to do near nothing. Simple tasks like eating and cleaning myself became enormously difficult; working became impossible.
Because the burnout saps so much of my energy, I constantly find myself asking: Is this worthy of the energy I put in it? Does this action jeopardize something else? Will my future self pay more if I set a boundary or if I just go with it?
Those repeated questions themselves are, ironically, exhausting. They take away space I could use for other, societally-approved thoughts: Like “What’s for dinner?” and “How do I speak correctly?”

I realized that the effort is not worth it, that trying to be neurotypical didn’t work long term. That masking came at too high a cost.
I tried to make everyone comfortable at all times - after all, that makes my life easier too. Until it catches up with me and I realize that I attempted the impossible. I could be what everyone wanted… but not sustainably.

With the realization that I cannot fit through the metaphorical door to success… came the task of making my own. That of course is not easy at all - the metaphorical wall with the door-to-success in it is sturdy, and my metaphorical tools to work with a spoon and fork.

I don’t want to be ungrateful though, I know I have immense privilege to even try and make a change. I know that there are people with less of a support system. I know some autistics don’t have the choice of masking. And of course, I know that sadly, right this moment far too many are worrying not about HOW they will be in the future, but IF they will have one.

What keeps me going is the thought that all my struggles digging at the metaphorical wall will maybe pave the way for others kinda like me. Maybe, hopefully, if I’m annoying enough to the right people, one day there will be a space for those that currently don’t fit the mold. Maybe, hopefully, my struggles can make life easier for someone down the line.
It feels like a responsible way to use the privileges I have. (And it feels very authentically German to complain about things, as a bonus!)

My goal for this upcoming year is to ideally not end it with the burnout I started it with.
Before reflecting more on being autistic, my motto was “dont regret not having tried”… and now it is “do less”. I really, truly wish I could do more and be more… but with how many neat things there are to do, trying them all would be unrealistic even for someone without a disability.
It is exhausting enough to live with an autistic brain in an allistic society, so instead of having high reaching goals (like I did last year, which didn’t go well), I will focus on surviving until I find a way to live. Truly live.

Setting boundaries - with myself, but also with others - will be one of the hardest and scariest parts. (Thanks partially to being brought up in two separate meritocracies and a toxic family, yaaaay). Having an invisible disability has many positives, but it also means that most people only see my extroversion, my autistic mask and my willingness to help and be part of things. What they don’t see is the price I pay for masking, the discomfort and exhaustion, the overwhelm and overexertion. Previously, I wasn’t brave enough to let people know that I didn’t appreciate when they took my presence, my crafts, or my laughter for granted. I couldn’t handle their disappointment. This year, I will learn to become a person okay with sharing the burden of discomfort. At least I hope I will learn that.

This year I want to (or more: need to) reflect on choosing what I CAN do, what I WANT to do, and what society EXPECTS me to do… And how those three can be combined.
There is a balance between appeasing others so that your own life is easier, and being true to your autistic self. There is a balance between being the best at something, and being a complete failure. This year I want to be aware that those shades of gray exist, and try to find them… And to find myself in them.

Hopefully, at the end of this month/ season/ year I will feel secure enough in my inherent worth to not wreck myself trying to prove it. I wish to be in a place where I can happily give because I know it won’t break me - not unhappily give because it is expected of me. I want to be in a place where my advocacy goes beyond just existing as myself (and being a smartass about it) because I can look at bad news without crumbling, but also a place where my advocacy is a choice I made freely.
Hopefully, sometimes this year, I will finally fucking learn to chill. While still being myself. Somehow.

One thing I want to keep up through all of these changes, though, is posting art. Being creative, to an extent, what I think defines me and fulfills me. Sometimes it is disheartening to get as little engagement as I do, but not posting isn’t gonna fix that. In the end, the time and effort made posting is worth it even if only a few people get a chuckle or an “ooh” outta my silly drawings. It’s important to remember that any artist’s or person’s worth isn’t defined by computer numbers, and that sometimes, “for the fun of it” is ABSOLUTELY a good reason to do something. (That doesn't harm anyone obviously.)

While I'm figuring all of this out, I just wanted to say thank you for those that are here, proving that I am, in fact, not impossibly annoying or sad to be around.

And of course I want to say thank you to YOU SPECIFICALLY for reading me drone on about this! You’re awesome! Have a cookie!

At first I thought I’d make this more online-accessible, speaking maybe in general terms so that more people relate to it… But then I realized that it is very rare that people read 2 pages of train-of-thought pseudo-essays. SO this one's for me, and that’s ok!
I got something out of it by writing it, and I may get something out of it by reading it later. And that’s enough. I’m enough.

And so are you!

Description
Where do I come from? Where DO I go???

Personal stream-of-consciousness essay-ish thing below:

-------------------------------------

Beginning-of-the-year reflection time!

When I was a child, I’d picture my mid-20s self in my first job, fresh out of college.
Looking back now, with three volunteer years, a failed traineeship and a long term mental hospital stay coming up… I suppose I was naive.
I’ve learned a lot since then. Much of it the hard way.

The German education and job system is great for those who fit the mold… and leaves behind way too many people that don’t. For two years, I tried to change myself to fit said mold. Be the best student, the best employee, the best friend, the best artist… All at once. All I got was disillusionment for not being good enough, burnout that lasts until now, and at some point su*ical ideation.
I tried to be everything and do everything… So much that I ended up being able to do near nothing. Simple tasks like eating and cleaning myself became enormously difficult; working became impossible.
Because the burnout saps so much of my energy, I constantly find myself asking: Is this worthy of the energy I put in it? Does this action jeopardize something else? Will my future self pay more if I set a boundary or if I just go with it?
Those repeated questions themselves are, ironically, exhausting. They take away space I could use for other, societally-approved thoughts: Like “What’s for dinner?” and “How do I speak correctly?”

I realized that the effort is not worth it, that trying to be neurotypical didn’t work long term. That masking came at too high a cost.
I tried to make everyone comfortable at all times - after all, that makes my life easier too. Until it catches up with me and I realize that I attempted the impossible. I could be what everyone wanted… but not sustainably.

With the realization that I cannot fit through the metaphorical door to success… came the task of making my own. That of course is not easy at all - the metaphorical wall with the door-to-success in it is sturdy, and my metaphorical tools to work with a spoon and fork.

I don’t want to be ungrateful though, I know I have immense privilege to even try and make a change. I know that there are people with less of a support system. I know some autistics don’t have the choice of masking. And of course, I know that sadly, right this moment far too many are worrying not about HOW they will be in the future, but IF they will have one.

What keeps me going is the thought that all my struggles digging at the metaphorical wall will maybe pave the way for others kinda like me. Maybe, hopefully, if I’m annoying enough to the right people, one day there will be a space for those that currently don’t fit the mold. Maybe, hopefully, my struggles can make life easier for someone down the line.
It feels like a responsible way to use the privileges I have. (And it feels very authentically German to complain about things, as a bonus!)

My goal for this upcoming year is to ideally not end it with the burnout I started it with.
Before reflecting more on being autistic, my motto was “dont regret not having tried”… and now it is “do less”. I really, truly wish I could do more and be more… but with how many neat things there are to do, trying them all would be unrealistic even for someone without a disability.
It is exhausting enough to live with an autistic brain in an allistic society, so instead of having high reaching goals (like I did last year, which didn’t go well), I will focus on surviving until I find a way to live. Truly live.

Setting boundaries - with myself, but also with others - will be one of the hardest and scariest parts. (Thanks partially to being brought up in two separate meritocracies and a toxic family, yaaaay). Having an invisible disability has many positives, but it also means that most people only see my extroversion, my autistic mask and my willingness to help and be part of things. What they don’t see is the price I pay for masking, the discomfort and exhaustion, the overwhelm and overexertion. Previously, I wasn’t brave enough to let people know that I didn’t appreciate when they took my presence, my crafts, or my laughter for granted. I couldn’t handle their disappointment. This year, I will learn to become a person okay with sharing the burden of discomfort. At least I hope I will learn that.

This year I want to (or more: need to) reflect on choosing what I CAN do, what I WANT to do, and what society EXPECTS me to do… And how those three can be combined.
There is a balance between appeasing others so that your own life is easier, and being true to your autistic self. There is a balance between being the best at something, and being a complete failure. This year I want to be aware that those shades of gray exist, and try to find them… And to find myself in them.

Hopefully, at the end of this month/ season/ year I will feel secure enough in my inherent worth to not wreck myself trying to prove it. I wish to be in a place where I can happily give because I know it won’t break me - not unhappily give because it is expected of me. I want to be in a place where my advocacy goes beyond just existing as myself (and being a smartass about it) because I can look at bad news without crumbling, but also a place where my advocacy is a choice I made freely.
Hopefully, sometimes this year, I will finally fucking learn to chill. While still being myself. Somehow.

One thing I want to keep up through all of these changes, though, is posting art. Being creative, to an extent, what I think defines me and fulfills me. Sometimes it is disheartening to get as little engagement as I do, but not posting isn’t gonna fix that. In the end, the time and effort made posting is worth it even if only a few people get a chuckle or an “ooh” outta my silly drawings. It’s important to remember that any artist’s or person’s worth isn’t defined by computer numbers, and that sometimes, “for the fun of it” is ABSOLUTELY a good reason to do something. (That doesn't harm anyone obviously.)

While I'm figuring all of this out, I just wanted to say thank you for those that are here, proving that I am, in fact, not impossibly annoying or sad to be around.

And of course I want to say thank you to YOU SPECIFICALLY for reading me drone on about this! You’re awesome! Have a cookie!

At first I thought I’d make this more online-accessible, speaking maybe in general terms so that more people relate to it… But then I realized that it is very rare that people read 2 pages of train-of-thought pseudo-essays. SO this one's for me, and that’s ok!
I got something out of it by writing it, and I may get something out of it by reading it later. And that’s enough. I’m enough.

And so are you!