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December 27th
What do you do when you feel completely alone? The symptom pages states “feelings of emptiness” but what do you do when you feel alone? I'm not empty, I'm filled with ideas and theories. Characters, hopes, lies. I'm not empty because I'm filled with pain. Its hard to feel empty that way, when no matter what you do there is always something wrong. That's not emptiness, that's loneliness. That is desperation. I like seeing other people in pain because it makes me feel less alone. Not in that sick sadistic way, its way to narcissistic to be that. I'm afraid my knowledge of medicine, science, psuedo-science, and faith may be making this harder than it actually is.
There's a stoppage between my brain and my mouth. An emotional aneurysm, if you will. I know what I want to say, what I should say, but something stops me. Something tells me “it will be better this way” or “it will just hurt them more”. And most of the time, I'm right. Which just adds to the blockage. So what? What happens next? I've found myself saying that a lot of late. And I know love him, I'm meant to be with him. I'm just don't know if he's meant to be with me. Does that make sense? Not really, but that doesn't mean I'm wrong. Just means I'm probably crazier than I initially thought.