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beautifulmidnite — How Long Is Forever
Published: 2003-07-16 07:30:14 +0000 UTC; Views: 2637; Favourites: 21; Downloads: 377
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Description
How long is forever?How can it ever last?
How can we look so forward
Without looking at the past?
Does it bleed through day?
Does it weep at night?
Does it tear through emotion?
Does it really have much might?
I suppose it\'s real
Though I can never tell
They tell you they\'ll be there
And leave after the bell
Maybe it\'s the beauty
That\'s infinite in today
But their wisedom upholds all
And their exterior does decay
They say they will hold you
They say they\'ll never let go
You turn your back for a second
And they\'ve become someone you don\'t know
But how can there be forever?
If you just walk away?
Without even breathing a word
You just turn and leave me strayed
So until I find this \"forever\"
I will wander proudly alone
Never giving into this reality
Never having a proper home
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Comments: 45
You know, I can't help but comment on this again.
I was reading through the other comments, and i go to the part about unanswered questions. You don't write poems about the answers you've found; at least I don't. A poem isn't like a story with an ending. A poem, at least my poems, are open-ended. They don't have answers, because I don't have answers. That's why I write, to get these questions down, so I can examine them.
Why would she put the answers to the questions if she didn't have them?
Anyway, I think it was great. You should definitely practice with rhyme more, and expanding your vocabulary wouldn't hurt at all. I see a lot of potential in this poem.
And anyway, You guys talking about God, and forever? You're doing it wrong. You sound like you're quoting the Bible. Yes, there is a forever, and yes, there is a God, because I FEEL Him. All this " Thou art a sinner, and thou shalt be purged" nonsense is boring and cliche. Stop it.
This, my friends, is coming from a fellow Christian.
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I believe there is a forever if you do the right things. I don't believe there is a forever here on earth but in heaven I do. I know you don't know me but I care about others because I know how it is to be not seen. I have hope that life will get better though and I have hope for you too. I hope I get to read more of your poetry to. Your good and I think you should keep expressing yourself that way so you'll get things out. I hope things go better for you. I hope to hear from you.
-Peace-
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Wow. Very nice..and deep. Sometimes its hard(for me anyways) to get depth with a traditional rhymes scheme, but you have done it very well! the last stanza is my fav
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Good job Midnight! Lots of comments...I won't bother reading them, but I did read your own response to people. You ARE only 15...but I think it's amazing that teenagers, however inexperienced at life, seem to be so in touch with their feelings. Maybe because they are just starting to develop real friendships that go beyond the sandbox and recess...so they first start to experience love, pain, lies, etc etc in friendship. And since it's their first experiences, it's extra emotional to them.
Anyway...I'm rambling. I'm good at that 
I love this stanza:
They say they will hold you
They say they'll never let go
You turn your back for a second
And they've become someone you don't know
Too true. Sometimes you feel like your friendship with someone is going to last forever...then one day...it just all changes. You don't know them...and it's hard to deal with this new person...and kinda confusing, because you still think of them as the way you used to know them.
Anyway...
Good stuff
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Awe, this is really wonderful. Its so emotional and seems like you searched deep for this. You seem like a beautiful person.
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it'd be better if it were more general, more graphic, perhaps...
congrats on succeding in some rhyme... *shrugs*
-amy
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What the hell? Can any of you say that when you were a 15 year old girl, you were able to write any better? I sure as hell I know I can't. I think thisis a brilliant poem considering the fact that it was basically a fuck or bust poem. All of her work is wonderful and I say keep writing. Criticism is a great thing, but in moderation. All of you who have disliked it have mentioned ryhming. Why don't you find something different to talk about. Basically it's a great poem and think of what can be done in the future.
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I like this poem. It lacks pretension.
I'll leave a thorough critique of its rhyme, flow, and meter to the proverbial "hypocrite lecteurs". I feel over-concentrating on your poem's style or technical merits would be a disservice to its content. You've obviously chosen a weighty subject (Forever), and without hopefully sounding too patronizing, I admire that for a fifteen year old. Keep your thoughts aimed high.
I like how the poem is constructed as a long chain of unanswered questions. The ending doesn't pretend to offer a grand solution. By suspending the answer, leaving it open-ended, it allows the reader to pick up that chain and add to it their own questioning-links. It forces them to grapple with the the problem of Forever themselves.
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Haha, well, i dunno art but i know what i like....... i like it btw!
Good job dude.
Oh, ps to sum of the dudes commenting: Theres a vast difference between constructive critism and jes taking a stab based on...hmmmm.... jealousy? Haha.
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I don't know, mabe it's just me, but I didn't really feel it... it felt like you were trying to hard somehow, like the rhyme was forced, rather than a real part of the poem.
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Like discontentbeauty said:
"But how can there be forever?
If you just walk away?
Without even breathing a word
You just turn and leave me strayed
This hit close to home."
You can't believe how close.
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But how can there be forever?
If you just walk away?
Without even breathing a word
You just turn and leave me strayed
This hit close to home.
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Thanks for all the criticism. I do like reading it and figuring out new ways to get my points across. I wrote this late last night, figuring no one woudl read it, cause that is what the usual treatment of my other work is like, and to have such an overwhelming response is awesome. I'm only 15, so don't expect me to know all there is about poetry and such, I mean, I obviously don't have enough experience in the realm of it to know all there is, so the criticism is well taken in, thank you very much.
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i agree with :devjesusbit:e. the idea you have so far.. is good but dont try so hard to ryhme it comes off as forced.
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i'll endeavour to agree with jesusbite and inebriate. they're a couple of the best on this site, so it'd be good to listen to them.
but the thing that REALLY bugged me was the repetition. you should lose it, ASAP.
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oh my god i feel this poem so much. The rythm is really nice too. their exterior does decay, some quicker than others
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Rar. It's good. But it kinda doesn't make sense Maybe I'm just insane. ^_^ Oh well, I like it. keep up the good work.
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The poem isn't to bad but what I really like is the graphic. That is sweet.
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This didn't really appeal to me
~inebriate Has said mostly everything, so I won't bother to repeat. But as for the people leaving the rude comments, that's really horrible. They shouldn't be saying stuff like that unless it was constructive criticism. The idea was nice, I'll give you that.
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sometimes its best to be alone....
ps. - dont listen to the fool one comment above mine blathering about "the Lord"
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Forever is what it is. Forever is eternity. And you may know forever, if you come to the Lord. He loves you, and He will love you forever.
This earth? Here, forever may never come.
But have faith in your Father, and forever will be what it is.
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Dont bitch about this post - its simply trying to offer something constructive. In a blunt way, as thats the only way I do it.
1. Always, ALWAYS proofread something youre presenting. Comments like this or chat rooms - who gives two fucks. But something thats being presented, as a work of art, should be free of all grammatical and spelling mistakes. Spellchecker is your friend.
2. Rhyming is one of the hardest things a poet can undertake. The simple ABCB thing youve got going is okay - its done, erhm.... okay, considering a lot of the shit that Ive read. Its still not the best though. One part of that being the simple scheme - poetry shouldnt have to mold to the rhyme scheme - the scheme should work for the poem in helping it move along. Also, leading into number three....
3. ...Rhyme tends to also fuck with how the poem moves along. Notice your fifth stanza - the last line is inconsistant with the rest of the stanzas. Nuh uh - thats bad. When dealing with rhyme, your poem should have a certain degreee of a strong meter to it, to accompany and accentuate the rhyme. This can be built upon - certain stresses every couple of syllables... certain number of syllables to every line, etc.
Ill stop there, as with a critique, you dont want to bog the writer down with tons of shit.
Basically, Im saying to ignore rhyme for a while - freeverse your way around for a while. If you want to stick with rhyme, try some internal rhyme.
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Nice! If you wanted, that could make an awesome song...that was great
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funny how only two WRITERS liked the poem....*shrugs* i just dont see what the big deal is...i think that most likely this poem got recognition more for its graphic than for the writing. lol...that kinda sucks..
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~simplyanne said everything that I want to say, pretty much, and didn't even say anything like she was belittling (sp?) you. I really know where you're coming from. Don't ever let the critics get you down.
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Though I guess you've got heaps of advice for this poem already - I'll add mine ayway.
Yes, the rhyme was a little off in places, but given the emotions you are portraying i don't believe it matters if the rhythm of the poem is a little disrupted. The flow of words is only a secondary concern.
The important thing is the flow of emotion. In this piece, the flow of emotion is consistent. You started by giving us general questions, to show the reader what is going on in your head.
Gradually the emotion becomes more focused, until at the end the focus lies upon yourself. I guess this is pretty standard of all breakup/argument type situations - once the other person is out of sight we start looking inwards for answers.
I loved your poem - and your ability to convey emotion with your words.
Keep up the good work!
4LW
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Usually, the top poetry favorites aren't something that I would enjoy, but this is different.
It's a simple rhyming scheme, and I think it works well, though it could be more fluid by following loveinmisery's suggestion. I think d120l-t120l is incorrect in assuming that this poem is written about you. Just because you wrote a piece in the first person doesn't mean that you are the first person. When critiquing poetry, one should be aware of the distinction between the author and the speaker. Sorry if I sound too technical, but these are small things that should already be known.
Anyway, back to the poem (heh). I really like the way you deal with the theme here. Lines
such as :
"Maybe it's the beauty
That's infinite in today
But their wisedom upholds all
And their exterior does decay"
give some answers to the many questions you pose. To add to the connectivity of this piece, you might try to extend the lines by adding more images. What beauty? How is it infinte? What about beauty being in the eye of the beholder? Show me how and why the exterior decays. This will give your poem more life, add more meaning to forever.
Of course, these are just my suggestions. I hope I conveyed them in a humble manner. This poem is enjoyable as it is. Write on!
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okei....that was rude...
anyways..
i luv your poem
i didnt see much of a problem with your poem except a lil with the rhyme
then again im not a good critiquer..
i absolutely lubbd this nonetheless...
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have to work on the flow of the words a little better, and dont try so hard to ryhme everything. i do like your poem though, lots of meaning. i like your graphice too. well done
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it only takes 4 faves to be the daily fave in poetry! i think ~inebriate summed it up quite well. the A, C rhyme formula is pure
i feel sorry for whoever might be in a relationship with you (past, present, future) this thing is full of co-dependent undertones.
so since the begining was addressed, please, allow me to comment on the end... if you are really going to "wander proudly alone" etc. then why write this and post it here? (you've shared it, given into the reality of the internet and sheltered it in the home of DA)
could benefit from a run through the spell check too
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has got some good points there. Over all the poem has a good idea behind it, but i suppose there are some things that should be looked over.
I enjoyed reading it, though
\m/
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It feels like you're trying too hard to rhyme, and they don't work as well as they could. The opening questions beguile me; are they directed to a nonexistent person? Are they intended to have answers? Are they making me ask questions too? Consider their necessity in the poem. Furthermore, maybe look to less repetition within the first words of each line. It works for some poetry, but it disrupts the flow in this.
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This is just beautiful girl! very nice put, really..
you did an awesome job if you ask me.. i have a favorite ..
keep on writing!
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The words are very true and felt ....... I know how that feels ...... Very nice work putting that into words and yes the grapfic is sweet too....
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