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blamiz — Day Twenty Seven
Published: 2010-05-11 03:27:35 +0000 UTC; Views: 448; Favourites: 8; Downloads: 4
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Description
Her skin glowed with such a spectacular radiance once, but Not today.The perfect figure was curled up into a tight ball, seconds from sleep.
Pretty blue eyes aluminated the room when she opened them every few minutes.
They lit the trail of tears that crossed over the skin of her cheeks.
It had been a year that they had been together as of today.
He wasn't there though. He would be gone for another five hundred days or so.
She didn't know how many exactly.
She winced at the thought of the number, tears spilling from the pools in her eyes.
Every now and then, she would press her face into the jacket she clutched in her hands.
It was his. He'd given it to her before she left.
She breathed in his smell holding the jacket tightly in her grasp.
She hated him for leaving her alone.
She needed him so much.
There should be two bodies in this bed, not one.
The black sheet hung perfectly over her skin, hugging her.
It wouldn't be long before she drifted off into a slumber.
She was only moments of being away from Day Twenty Seven.
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Comments: 2
As I was reading this, I was confused as to the form. I didn't know whether I was reading poetry or prose. What I realized part way through was that it was prose masquerading as poetry with the line breaks because of such there is no flow between each line. I would suggest forming this into a paragraph because the reader's brain won't be forced into pausing between each line like it is now. The flow will come then. You should also work on longer sentences, no run-ons. Combine simple sentences into more complex ones. For example:
Every now and then, she would press her face into the jacket she clutched in her hands.
It was his. He'd given it to her before she left. (yours)
Every now and then she would press her face into the jacket she clutched in her hands; the one he had given her before she left. (mine)
Make sense?
You can work on visualization by being more descriptive. For example:
She breathed in his smell holding the jacket tightly in her grasp. (yours)
She breathed in the scent he had left. She could smell the spice of cinnamon and his deep musk, only a shadow of comfort came to her. She gripped the jacket closer, tighter to her body as if it would escape in a wisp of smoke. (mine)
Of course, don't steal what I've written. Just build on what you have already. Hope I've been helpful.
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