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blender13 — remembric
Published: 2003-04-07 20:37:41 +0000 UTC; Views: 131; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 24
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Description
signed to whomit won\'t concern
you read
my dreams and
downfalls
walking through
the walls of a
past too painful
to relive
flatlines and
phone calls greet
me when my
iris is draped
in the sanctum
of your hair
a stuttering clock
convulses in
the presence of the
best memories
tucked away
between the heart
of those lost
and those found
I meant it
to believe in
something
so carefree
my fragmented
heart finds
shelter
in the
pressed hand
of one
remembric
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Comments: 5
I really like how the lines are so short, yet they hold so much meaning.
Beautiful piece.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
i like the way you write. some people find it hard to read poems when they are all chopped up with no punctuation, but i find it highly appealing... maybe i can read it just cause i write that way too. hmm. i don't have anything to say about the whole iris/eye arguement. it is very nice! (nice is such a lame word)
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
woohoo.. im gna make this another fave.. hmm.. but contradicting what yokom has said.. i think that you should use words like "iris" rather than "eye".. the style and the sound of it is a lot better... its better if things aren't that straightforward, i think so anyway! awesome work man
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
i like it a lot. it's got fairly good flow.
but there are a few things: i think it would be more effective without words like iris instead of eye, it makes to piece look like it's trying to be fancier than it should be, and detracts from the piece. also, the last stanza, i would change a little, i think it needs to move along a little more, it's fragmented and becomes hard to read.
overall, very good piece!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
