HOME | DD

Description
EDD AND THE BEANSTALK

Once upon a time...
In a kingdom far away, there lived a poor farmer named Edd. Edd and his mother, Mrs. Gould were in fact harvesters. They were able to harvest plenty of wheat and rice, along with a few trees carrying some juicy seedy fruits along with them. But they were also cotton farmers, meaning that they could make clothes. However, they were suffering financially. In fact, times were so hard, that Mrs. Gould and her son only had one last thing to their name… Their cow named Jon. On the day Mrs Gould and her son had finished the last of their bread, She turned to her son and said “You must go into town and sell our cow. Or we will surely starve…” “Our cow? You mean Jon?” Edd replied, pointing his thumb to the cow in the corner of their hut, eating hay. “Yes, Dear. Our little cow is unable to make milk.” “But mom, that’s cause he’s male-” “Shush, Edd. Go sell the cow to the nearby market. Don’t dawdle and don’t stop for anything on your way. Expect no less than 50 pounds for him.”

So with Jon the cow in tow, Edd made his way through the worn path towards the market. Edd was only a few blocks away from reaching the market, until something stopped him and Jon in his tracks. “Good afternoon, weary traveler!” A smooth-talking salesman said as he approached the boy and the brown cow with friendly yet still sinister looking smile. He had a nametag pinned to his shirt, written in cursive words “Eduardo”. Edd raised an eyebrow as he got closer. “Oh… Um… Hi? Are you interested in my cow?” Edd asked, holding up the leash Edd used to drag Jon along to the market. “My, what a fine beast you got there! If you’re looking to sell, I’m sure we can take it off your hands for say… oh, 5 magic beans?” Eduardo the salesman added, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a handful of 5 magic beans. “These are magic to its finest! Of course, these are precious beans… And I wouldn’t trade them for just ANYTHING.” “How can I tell those beans are really magic and you’re not just telling me a big fib?” Edd asked suspiciously, raising an eyebrow at the sinister looking salesman. “Oh, just plant them under the full moon tonight, and you might see something special!” Eduardo said, holding the 5 magic beans up to Edd’s face. “Alright alright. It’s a deal.” Said Edd. Eduardo the salesman then handed Edd the beans and Edd handed Eduardo the leash, carrying Jon the cow. Before another word could be said, Eduardo had vanished with Jon the cow. Leaving poor foolish Edd alone with 5 useless ordinary beans.

However, when Edd returned home and proudly presented the beans to his mother, Mrs. Gould was far less than pleased and gave Edd a scolding. “Beans? Beans?! I sent you into town for pounds! Not beans! We can’t live off of 5 beans, Edd. What were you thinking?” Edd looked guilty, thinking he got scammed. “I-I just thought that these beans were really magical. The salesman told me if I planted these under the full moon tonight, it would solve our issues!” “Worthless!” Mrs. Gould exclaimed, swiping the beans from Edd’s hand and tossing them out the window. “Mom! Those beans can really solve our issues! What if those beans grow into a big golden plant? That would help our financial needs for sure!” Edd protested, trying to get his mother on board. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. There’s no such thing as magic beans. Now off to bed with you. I’m gonna need to figure out another way to get food into this house.” Edd hung his head longingly as he slowly went to his room.

What Mrs. Gould didn’t know, is that the beans she had unknowingly planted were in fact magical! That night, during the full moon, The beans took root into the hard soil, and grew into a massive beanstalk, soaring through the skies and piercing through clouds. When morning finally came, Edd and Mrs. Gould gazed in awe at the beanstalk looming over the whole town. Letting their imaginations run wild, with the possibilities of where it would lead to. Edd gazed upon the beanstalk and noticed it was climbable. “Maybe I should climb it…” Edd said as he stared up at the looming beanstalk. “Are you sure, Edd? It looks rather dangerous…” “Mum, I’ll be fine! Besides, what’s up there could be what the salesman was talking about! There could be diamonds and gold up there!” Edd said as his eyes glistened with light. “Please be careful, My son…” Mrs. Gould said, embracing Edd one final time before beginning his climbing spree.

Despite Edd’s fear of heights, he was determined to find something to help his family. As he made his way through the clouds, the beanstalk stopped at the top and a big fluffy cloud was just a mere meter below his feet. “Well… that was… fast.” Edd added, taking a look around and discovered an entire other world above the clouds that nobody would’ve ever dreamed. “Wait.. am I expected to walk on this cloud? I shouldn’t… what if I fall?!” Despite Edd telling himself not to, he took a weary step onto the cloud. It was soft. But as firm as solid ground. Edd’s eye then lit up and he began to bounce around on the clouds as if he was in a trampoline emporium. He looked like he was having the time of his life. But his fun made a pit-stop as he noticed a large building in the distance. Edd wandered further away from the beanstalk, and soon it felt like Edd had shrunk! There were many plants around him that seemed far larger than the ones back down on earth. Even single blades of grass could tower over him in some places. After wandering and making his way to the building for a few minutes, he realized this building was no ordinary building. It was a large castle made of red bricks. But the castle was HUGE! Like, 100 times bigger than a normal castle. The gate alone was about the size of a building compared to Edd. His eyes widened as he beheld it. “Whoa… I wonder who could live in a giant castle in the sky…?” Edd thought to himself, as he approached the gate.

Without so much as a knock, Edd was able to slip under the giant castle’s gate. The first thing Edd saw when he entered was a giant table. He craned his neck upwards, to see on the table he could merely see a wide spread of delicious things to eat. This included, Turkeys, Pastas, cakes, pizzas, sandwiches and bowls of fruits and vegetables. His mouth watered and his stomach grumbled loudly as the smell of the food reached his nostrils. The only problem was the food was too high to reach and too heavy to lift. Soon Edd noticed something on the table legs. There was a spiral ramp wrapping around the leg, all the way to the top. Edd smiled and rushed over there and made his way up the ramp. Edd looked around and saw the array of amazing looking things to eat. There were turkeys as tall as houses and pies as wide as farmlands and not to mention the sauces and pots of seasoning all scattered across the table in a chaotic fashion. Edd was so overtaken by the sight, he almost didn’t hear the feint clattering and squawking coming from behind a jelly on a plate. Edd was very curious so he took his pursuit of the sound.

When he turned the corner, Edd saw what he believed was just a regular harp, except the harp was moving and sobbing as it made its off key noises. As it hopped around, Edd couldn’t help but notice the harp had hair! Orange strawberry blonde hair that is. It was also combedupwards, indicating there was hair gel in his hair. “Uhh… Everything alright there, sir?” Edd asked, approaching the harp. “EEK!!” The harp exclaimed, jumping up and landing down again. “Oh! Please don’t scare me like that! I hate making weird sounds in front of guests.” “Are you supposed to be a magical talking harp?” “Yes. Quite a handsome one at that!” Edd could already tell this harp was a narcissist. “Oh! Where are my manners? I must introduce my wonderful self to you! My name is Matt. And I am dreadfully sorrowful…” “Why, Matt?” “Because! I was captured by an evil giant! And I’ve been forced to make music all day long!” Edd’s eyes widened when Matt mentioned the giant. “Hol’ up… did you just say… a GIANT?” “Yes! He’s very scary when he’s angry… And I wanna get out of here!” Matt let out a sorrowful cry as his strings began playing off-key notes. Edd winced at the sound and tried to cover his ears. At this point, he would say anything to make the awful noises stop. “W-What if I helped you escape?” Edd asked. The horrid off-key notes came to a stop. “R-Really? You would do that for me? That's so sweet!” Matt said, with a joyful grin. Edd smiled. “How do we get out of here?” Edd asked. “Now hold on! My friend Tom was captured too!” Matt exclaimed. “He’s a hen! And he can lay 24 karat golden eggs!” Edd’s eyes lit up. With those eggs, he could surely pay off his debts and buy enough food to last all year! “GOLDEN EGGS?! So that’s why I’ve been lead here… Okay! If you show me the way to your friend, I’ll take you home with me!” Edd said as he smiled, looking determined to find the hen. “Great! Follow me, please. Oh! And please don’t eat any of the food, or there will be drastic consequences…” “What kind of concequences?” “You don’t wanna know…”

Edd followed after Matt, his interests had surely been piqued. Why would taking a bite of food be so wrong? At first, it was an easy request to follow, but with each new delicious meal after another, they became more and more tempting. It seemed to Edd that each new meal was better than the last. His stomach grumbled each time he avoided taking a bite. But still, Edd did what Matt had advised. Until he caught in sight, the most amazing looking treat he had ever seen and smelled. “What… is THAT?” Edd asked, as his eyes were glued to the dessert. “Oh! That’s a cola cake.” Matt replied. “C-Cola… Cake…?” Edd trailed off, his feet unconsciously to the cola flavored pastry. “Okay, Edd! Tom is just around the corner- …Wait… what are you doing? HEY!” Matt screamed, with a loud tune of distress. Edd had wandered over to the cake, his eyes transfixed on its brown chocolate icing. His mouth watered and his stomach growled loudly. Although he could hear Matt’s loud and annoying warnings not to… Edd leaned in and took a bite. It was the most amazing thing he had ever tasted. And he planted his face into the cake for another bite.

Without missing a beat, Edd could hear a door burst open from not too far away. It scared Edd so much that he leaped into the chocolate cake to hide. Not even a second later, Edd could hear loud thumping as if they were giant shoes stomping onto the ground. Soon Edd heard a voice that was scary and loud… “FEE FI FO FUM! I SMELL THE BLOOD OF AN ENGLISHMAN!” Even though the voice was loud, he could hear the thick accent in its words. It sounded norwegian. Soon the figure finally revealed itself. It was indeed a sight. It was a large 100 ft tall figure with brown rags as a shirt, with a few patches covering what seemed like rips and holes, followed by baggy shorts with deep pockets that could trap at least ten cows. His hair was not like any other. It wasn’t messy either. The hair had a deep hazelnut color and slightly long hair that could reach his lower neck. But that wasn’t the weird part. The front of his hair was upwards in a sort of horn-styled fashion. A white bandage was on the figure’s right cheek, and he had gray eyes. Standing before Edd was none other than Tord the giant…

“Who’s been eating my food…?” Tord the giant stomped from the hall to the table, causing the whole room to quake as if the earth itself was moving. Matt screamed in fear and ducked behind a large pot to hide. While Edd struggled to keep his hat on his head as the cola cake bounced up and down on the tabletop. “Hmmm… All clear here…” Tord mumbled to himself as he examined one side of the table searching for any missing bites or nibbles. “Nothing here either…” Tord mumbled as he examined the other side of the table. He examined each meal and treat at a time, picking it up and looking very closely. Edd frantically poked his head out of the cake, and looked for a new hiding place. He saw Matt giving her a nasty glare. “Oh, My prized cola cake…” Tord exclaimed, Picking up the cake and pulling it up to his nose to smell. “Whoa!” Edd exclaimed as he splatted back into the cake. Tord continued to look at his cake proudly. Edd was petrified. One wrong move and he’d be murdered in no less than 3 seconds. Edd suddenly gasped, inhaling a piece of the cake and started choking on it. He started to cough. Trying his best for them to be inaudible to the giant. Edd couldn’t handle it anymore. He was struggling to breathe, so he popped his head out of the cake and spat out the food he choked on, only to be face to face with Tord the giant… “Uhh… Gesundheit?” Tord said, raising an eyebrow at the newcomer.

Edd’s eyes widened, as he realized he'd been spotted. He turned and ran away, but Tord leaned over and trapped Edd in his fist. This flesh-covered confine could trap dozens of people, but it only trapped one at the moment. Edd was then brought face-to-eye with this colossal norwegian giant. “Who are you and how did you get here?!” Tord roared. “I beanstalked. How’d you get here? This is just a house floating in the clouds.” “I fell from a higher cloud.” Edd highly doubted Tord’s response. “How did you f-” “SILENCE! You have defiled my greatest work… and now you must pay.” Tord the giant spoke out, tightening his grip. Despite how absolutely petrified Edd was, he spoke up. “What are you gonna do? Eat me?!” Tord chuckled in response. “Maybe… But I haven’t decided on a proper punishment yet. So for now, I’ll have to keep you somewhere you’ll never escape.” Tord kept his grip nice and firm as he walked off to the far side of his castle. Tord hummed a jaunty tune as he walked up to his cabinet in the kitchen. As Tord closed the cabinet door, Edd quickly pushed his hat in the way of the lock. Tord turned the key, assuming he had tightly locked up his prisoner.

On the table below, Matt caught sight of Edd’s trick and attempted to use his music to aid in his escape. Matt turned his attention to Tord the giant and hobbled over to him as he sat down at the table Matt was standing. “May I play you a tune, sir?” “Why the hell not?” Tord said as he put one elbow onto the table and used his hand to keep his head up. Matt then used his strings to play a nice gentle melody, enough to lull anyone to sleep. Of course as these fairy tales are, Tord was helpless to Matt’s gentle lullaby. He set his arms down in front of him and laid his head on the table. After a few minutes of silence, Edd could hear his soft snores. Edd struggled a little to pull his hat free, he then kicked the wood of the door, causing it to swing open. Being as cautious as he could, he leapt down from the cabinet and onto the kitchen countertop, securing his hat back onto his head. He noticed the front door, and was about to run to safety, until he remembered the golden hen he needed. He thought that perhaps if the giant slept long enough, he could take the hen for himself.

Edd crept along the countertop, popping from saucepan to baking sheet, making his way back towards the table. At long last he reached the hen. This hen was not like any other. Its feathers were blue and the top of his head had multiple feathers making it look like Matt’s hair. That wasn’t even the weird part about him though. He had BLACK EYES! The hen had his eyes squinted and he was shaking. He looked like he was about to take the biggest goddamn poop ever. “Um… Hello?” Edd spoke out to the hen. The hen squawked in surprise and flapped its wings urgently, causing a few feathers to fly off. “HEY! DON’T JUMPSCARE ME LIKE THAT!” The hen squawked, giving Edd a provoked glare. “Sorry! Sorry!” Edd said, putting his hands up slightly, trying to defend himself. “What’s your name by the way?” Edd asked the blue hen. “Oh. My name is Tom. And if you don’t mind, I’d like to finish my business here.” Tom said as he turned his head away from Edd like a stubborn teenager. Edd sighed in disbelief but then he saw Tom’s expression again. “Erm… are you going poop?” “What? I’m not defecating you moron! I’m laying an egg!” Tom continued to strain and try desperately to lay his egg. When he finally did, he stood up to have a good look at it. Edd’s eyes widened. It was a golden egg. Pure golden.

“Whoa! You’re the goose Matt told me about!” “Oh. That idiot?” Edd could already tell that Tom doesn’t really have a good relationship with Matt. “Oh. Do you not like Matt?” “He’s alright. He’s hundreds of times better than that stupid giant commie.” “Oh… well would you be so kind as to allow me to take you home with me?” Edd offered, holding his arms out. “Well, anything to get away from that giant. I’m in!” Tom said as he carried his golden egg under his wing and jumped into Edd’s arms. Edd carried the blue hen, as far away from the sleeping giant as possible. From the corner of his eye, Matt could see Edd and Tom nearing the edge of the table. Where the ramp of the leg would take them safely down. He gasped in horror, immediately assuming that Edd had forgotten his promise to take him home. He hopped along the table towards Edd exclaiming “Hey, you!” “Shhh! Matt! Can’t you keep your voice down?!” Edd whispered. “You forgot me?! After all I’ve done for you, you’re just going to leave me here?!” “Shh! I was not! I was gonna get this hen on the floor first and then come back for you! I swear.” “Unlikely story! You just didn’t even wanna take me in the first place! Why would you want a useless harp lying around?” “Please, Matt. You have to keep it down…! The giant might wake up and then-” “It’s always about that dumb old hen isn’t it?? All those eggs are so beautiful! Such a magical wonder~! I bet it’s the rarest egg ever made!” “Matt!” “NO!” Matt shouted, letting out a loud off-key note as he did so. Edd placed his hand on Matt’s mouth to shut him up and he closed his eyes as he heard the unpleasant sound of the giant waking up…

“HUH?! WHAT’S GOING ON HERE-? Wait… where’s my harp? And my hen?” “RUN!!!” Edd frantically shouted, carrying Tom and the golden egg under his arm and sliding down the ramp while Matt followed behind him. “Wait for me!” Matt shouted, bumping into a large cupcake as he pursued Edd. The cupcake teetered on the edge of the table, before falling off and landing with a splat on the floor mere inches from landing on Edd. Edd smeared some of the splatted frosting off his face in destain before continuing his quest to escape. Tord spotted them making their exit, and he growled and braced for the door ahead of them. However, before he could make it, Tord stepped down on the fallen cupcake and slid from one end of the room to another colliding into the wall. BOOM! CRASH!

Edd, Matt and Tom made their way outside towards the beanstalk. Tord the giant was on their tail… “GET BACK HERE, THIEF!!!” Tord shouted, as his ginormous feet slammed onto the clouds, causing them to quake. Edd looked down the enormous beanstalk and realized it was a bit steep… but they could slide down it easily! Without warning, Edd grabbed onto Matt the harp and placed him on his lap as he sat down on the beanstalk top. “Hang on, Matt! We’re in for a ride!” Edd said, Pushing himself down the beanstalk. With the loud screams of the 3, they slid down the giant beanstalk, making their way back to the ground. Edd exclaiming excitedly, Matt screaming the whole way down, and Tom just having a blank, pessimistic expression written all over his face. Mrs. Gould had waited all day for her son to come back home. She looked up at the looming beanstalk curiously when she heard the screaming of Matt and Edd. Much to her surprise, Edd and his two new companions rolled off the beanstalk and landed in a pile of hay uninjured. “Quick! The axe!” Edd alarmed his mother. Mrs Gould obeyed him immediately and brought him the axe he requested. He then began swinging and chopping the beanstalk.

As Edd’s axe kept chipping away at the beanstalk, Tord the giant resumed his chase, sliding down the beanstalk like it was a firefighter pole. Before he could reach the ground however, Edd’s axe had completely cut clean through the beanstalk and the entire plant toppled to the ground with Tord with it. “AAAAAAAHHHH!!!” Tord screamed as he descended to the ground. After a few seconds which felt like agonizing hours, Tord finally hit the ground. BOOOOOOOMMMMM!!! The whole feild shook from the impact, rattled by the backside-flop of this giant. But that wasn’t the only thing falling… Tord seemed okay, but he was unable to move. Tord the looked up in horror to see the beanstalk descending on him… Tord’s last words were… “HENTAIIIIIIII-” BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!! The entire town shook from the impact from the beanstalk falling and crushing Tord into nothing but a bloody pancake.

Meanwhile, Edd and his mother were delighted with his new hen that could lay plenty of golden eggs to make them a fortune. Matt spent his time playing songs for the family, whether they liked it or not. And with the money they earned selling golden eggs, they were able to pay off their debts, and grow plenty of delicious crops to eat, followed by purchasing lots of furniture they needed. At long last, Edd and his mother were able to live a comfortable life with their friends Matt the harp and Tom the hen.

THE END

Credit to: Magpiepony for inspiring me to write this! ^^

Description
EDD AND THE BEANSTALK

Once upon a time...
In a kingdom far away, there lived a poor farmer named Edd. Edd and his mother, Mrs. Gould were in fact harvesters. They were able to harvest plenty of wheat and rice, along with a few trees carrying some juicy seedy fruits along with them. But they were also cotton farmers, meaning that they could make clothes. However, they were suffering financially. In fact, times were so hard, that Mrs. Gould and her son only had one last thing to their name… Their cow named Jon. On the day Mrs Gould and her son had finished the last of their bread, She turned to her son and said “You must go into town and sell our cow. Or we will surely starve…” “Our cow? You mean Jon?” Edd replied, pointing his thumb to the cow in the corner of their hut, eating hay. “Yes, Dear. Our little cow is unable to make milk.” “But mom, that’s cause he’s male-” “Shush, Edd. Go sell the cow to the nearby market. Don’t dawdle and don’t stop for anything on your way. Expect no less than 50 pounds for him.”

So with Jon the cow in tow, Edd made his way through the worn path towards the market. Edd was only a few blocks away from reaching the market, until something stopped him and Jon in his tracks. “Good afternoon, weary traveler!” A smooth-talking salesman said as he approached the boy and the brown cow with friendly yet still sinister looking smile. He had a nametag pinned to his shirt, written in cursive words “Eduardo”. Edd raised an eyebrow as he got closer. “Oh… Um… Hi? Are you interested in my cow?” Edd asked, holding up the leash Edd used to drag Jon along to the market. “My, what a fine beast you got there! If you’re looking to sell, I’m sure we can take it off your hands for say… oh, 5 magic beans?” Eduardo the salesman added, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a handful of 5 magic beans. “These are magic to its finest! Of course, these are precious beans… And I wouldn’t trade them for just ANYTHING.” “How can I tell those beans are really magic and you’re not just telling me a big fib?” Edd asked suspiciously, raising an eyebrow at the sinister looking salesman. “Oh, just plant them under the full moon tonight, and you might see something special!” Eduardo said, holding the 5 magic beans up to Edd’s face. “Alright alright. It’s a deal.” Said Edd. Eduardo the salesman then handed Edd the beans and Edd handed Eduardo the leash, carrying Jon the cow. Before another word could be said, Eduardo had vanished with Jon the cow. Leaving poor foolish Edd alone with 5 useless ordinary beans.

However, when Edd returned home and proudly presented the beans to his mother, Mrs. Gould was far less than pleased and gave Edd a scolding. “Beans? Beans?! I sent you into town for pounds! Not beans! We can’t live off of 5 beans, Edd. What were you thinking?” Edd looked guilty, thinking he got scammed. “I-I just thought that these beans were really magical. The salesman told me if I planted these under the full moon tonight, it would solve our issues!” “Worthless!” Mrs. Gould exclaimed, swiping the beans from Edd’s hand and tossing them out the window. “Mom! Those beans can really solve our issues! What if those beans grow into a big golden plant? That would help our financial needs for sure!” Edd protested, trying to get his mother on board. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. There’s no such thing as magic beans. Now off to bed with you. I’m gonna need to figure out another way to get food into this house.” Edd hung his head longingly as he slowly went to his room.

What Mrs. Gould didn’t know, is that the beans she had unknowingly planted were in fact magical! That night, during the full moon, The beans took root into the hard soil, and grew into a massive beanstalk, soaring through the skies and piercing through clouds. When morning finally came, Edd and Mrs. Gould gazed in awe at the beanstalk looming over the whole town. Letting their imaginations run wild, with the possibilities of where it would lead to. Edd gazed upon the beanstalk and noticed it was climbable. “Maybe I should climb it…” Edd said as he stared up at the looming beanstalk. “Are you sure, Edd? It looks rather dangerous…” “Mum, I’ll be fine! Besides, what’s up there could be what the salesman was talking about! There could be diamonds and gold up there!” Edd said as his eyes glistened with light. “Please be careful, My son…” Mrs. Gould said, embracing Edd one final time before beginning his climbing spree.

Despite Edd’s fear of heights, he was determined to find something to help his family. As he made his way through the clouds, the beanstalk stopped at the top and a big fluffy cloud was just a mere meter below his feet. “Well… that was… fast.” Edd added, taking a look around and discovered an entire other world above the clouds that nobody would’ve ever dreamed. “Wait.. am I expected to walk on this cloud? I shouldn’t… what if I fall?!” Despite Edd telling himself not to, he took a weary step onto the cloud. It was soft. But as firm as solid ground. Edd’s eye then lit up and he began to bounce around on the clouds as if he was in a trampoline emporium. He looked like he was having the time of his life. But his fun made a pit-stop as he noticed a large building in the distance. Edd wandered further away from the beanstalk, and soon it felt like Edd had shrunk! There were many plants around him that seemed far larger than the ones back down on earth. Even single blades of grass could tower over him in some places. After wandering and making his way to the building for a few minutes, he realized this building was no ordinary building. It was a large castle made of red bricks. But the castle was HUGE! Like, 100 times bigger than a normal castle. The gate alone was about the size of a building compared to Edd. His eyes widened as he beheld it. “Whoa… I wonder who could live in a giant castle in the sky…?” Edd thought to himself, as he approached the gate.

Without so much as a knock, Edd was able to slip under the giant castle’s gate. The first thing Edd saw when he entered was a giant table. He craned his neck upwards, to see on the table he could merely see a wide spread of delicious things to eat. This included, Turkeys, Pastas, cakes, pizzas, sandwiches and bowls of fruits and vegetables. His mouth watered and his stomach grumbled loudly as the smell of the food reached his nostrils. The only problem was the food was too high to reach and too heavy to lift. Soon Edd noticed something on the table legs. There was a spiral ramp wrapping around the leg, all the way to the top. Edd smiled and rushed over there and made his way up the ramp. Edd looked around and saw the array of amazing looking things to eat. There were turkeys as tall as houses and pies as wide as farmlands and not to mention the sauces and pots of seasoning all scattered across the table in a chaotic fashion. Edd was so overtaken by the sight, he almost didn’t hear the feint clattering and squawking coming from behind a jelly on a plate. Edd was very curious so he took his pursuit of the sound.

When he turned the corner, Edd saw what he believed was just a regular harp, except the harp was moving and sobbing as it made its off key noises. As it hopped around, Edd couldn’t help but notice the harp had hair! Orange strawberry blonde hair that is. It was also combedupwards, indicating there was hair gel in his hair. “Uhh… Everything alright there, sir?” Edd asked, approaching the harp. “EEK!!” The harp exclaimed, jumping up and landing down again. “Oh! Please don’t scare me like that! I hate making weird sounds in front of guests.” “Are you supposed to be a magical talking harp?” “Yes. Quite a handsome one at that!” Edd could already tell this harp was a narcissist. “Oh! Where are my manners? I must introduce my wonderful self to you! My name is Matt. And I am dreadfully sorrowful…” “Why, Matt?” “Because! I was captured by an evil giant! And I’ve been forced to make music all day long!” Edd’s eyes widened when Matt mentioned the giant. “Hol’ up… did you just say… a GIANT?” “Yes! He’s very scary when he’s angry… And I wanna get out of here!” Matt let out a sorrowful cry as his strings began playing off-key notes. Edd winced at the sound and tried to cover his ears. At this point, he would say anything to make the awful noises stop. “W-What if I helped you escape?” Edd asked. The horrid off-key notes came to a stop. “R-Really? You would do that for me? That's so sweet!” Matt said, with a joyful grin. Edd smiled. “How do we get out of here?” Edd asked. “Now hold on! My friend Tom was captured too!” Matt exclaimed. “He’s a hen! And he can lay 24 karat golden eggs!” Edd’s eyes lit up. With those eggs, he could surely pay off his debts and buy enough food to last all year! “GOLDEN EGGS?! So that’s why I’ve been lead here… Okay! If you show me the way to your friend, I’ll take you home with me!” Edd said as he smiled, looking determined to find the hen. “Great! Follow me, please. Oh! And please don’t eat any of the food, or there will be drastic consequences…” “What kind of concequences?” “You don’t wanna know…”

Edd followed after Matt, his interests had surely been piqued. Why would taking a bite of food be so wrong? At first, it was an easy request to follow, but with each new delicious meal after another, they became more and more tempting. It seemed to Edd that each new meal was better than the last. His stomach grumbled each time he avoided taking a bite. But still, Edd did what Matt had advised. Until he caught in sight, the most amazing looking treat he had ever seen and smelled. “What… is THAT?” Edd asked, as his eyes were glued to the dessert. “Oh! That’s a cola cake.” Matt replied. “C-Cola… Cake…?” Edd trailed off, his feet unconsciously to the cola flavored pastry. “Okay, Edd! Tom is just around the corner- …Wait… what are you doing? HEY!” Matt screamed, with a loud tune of distress. Edd had wandered over to the cake, his eyes transfixed on its brown chocolate icing. His mouth watered and his stomach growled loudly. Although he could hear Matt’s loud and annoying warnings not to… Edd leaned in and took a bite. It was the most amazing thing he had ever tasted. And he planted his face into the cake for another bite.

Without missing a beat, Edd could hear a door burst open from not too far away. It scared Edd so much that he leaped into the chocolate cake to hide. Not even a second later, Edd could hear loud thumping as if they were giant shoes stomping onto the ground. Soon Edd heard a voice that was scary and loud… “FEE FI FO FUM! I SMELL THE BLOOD OF AN ENGLISHMAN!” Even though the voice was loud, he could hear the thick accent in its words. It sounded norwegian. Soon the figure finally revealed itself. It was indeed a sight. It was a large 100 ft tall figure with brown rags as a shirt, with a few patches covering what seemed like rips and holes, followed by baggy shorts with deep pockets that could trap at least ten cows. His hair was not like any other. It wasn’t messy either. The hair had a deep hazelnut color and slightly long hair that could reach his lower neck. But that wasn’t the weird part. The front of his hair was upwards in a sort of horn-styled fashion. A white bandage was on the figure’s right cheek, and he had gray eyes. Standing before Edd was none other than Tord the giant…

“Who’s been eating my food…?” Tord the giant stomped from the hall to the table, causing the whole room to quake as if the earth itself was moving. Matt screamed in fear and ducked behind a large pot to hide. While Edd struggled to keep his hat on his head as the cola cake bounced up and down on the tabletop. “Hmmm… All clear here…” Tord mumbled to himself as he examined one side of the table searching for any missing bites or nibbles. “Nothing here either…” Tord mumbled as he examined the other side of the table. He examined each meal and treat at a time, picking it up and looking very closely. Edd frantically poked his head out of the cake, and looked for a new hiding place. He saw Matt giving her a nasty glare. “Oh, My prized cola cake…” Tord exclaimed, Picking up the cake and pulling it up to his nose to smell. “Whoa!” Edd exclaimed as he splatted back into the cake. Tord continued to look at his cake proudly. Edd was petrified. One wrong move and he’d be murdered in no less than 3 seconds. Edd suddenly gasped, inhaling a piece of the cake and started choking on it. He started to cough. Trying his best for them to be inaudible to the giant. Edd couldn’t handle it anymore. He was struggling to breathe, so he popped his head out of the cake and spat out the food he choked on, only to be face to face with Tord the giant… “Uhh… Gesundheit?” Tord said, raising an eyebrow at the newcomer.

Edd’s eyes widened, as he realized he'd been spotted. He turned and ran away, but Tord leaned over and trapped Edd in his fist. This flesh-covered confine could trap dozens of people, but it only trapped one at the moment. Edd was then brought face-to-eye with this colossal norwegian giant. “Who are you and how did you get here?!” Tord roared. “I beanstalked. How’d you get here? This is just a house floating in the clouds.” “I fell from a higher cloud.” Edd highly doubted Tord’s response. “How did you f-” “SILENCE! You have defiled my greatest work… and now you must pay.” Tord the giant spoke out, tightening his grip. Despite how absolutely petrified Edd was, he spoke up. “What are you gonna do? Eat me?!” Tord chuckled in response. “Maybe… But I haven’t decided on a proper punishment yet. So for now, I’ll have to keep you somewhere you’ll never escape.” Tord kept his grip nice and firm as he walked off to the far side of his castle. Tord hummed a jaunty tune as he walked up to his cabinet in the kitchen. As Tord closed the cabinet door, Edd quickly pushed his hat in the way of the lock. Tord turned the key, assuming he had tightly locked up his prisoner.

On the table below, Matt caught sight of Edd’s trick and attempted to use his music to aid in his escape. Matt turned his attention to Tord the giant and hobbled over to him as he sat down at the table Matt was standing. “May I play you a tune, sir?” “Why the hell not?” Tord said as he put one elbow onto the table and used his hand to keep his head up. Matt then used his strings to play a nice gentle melody, enough to lull anyone to sleep. Of course as these fairy tales are, Tord was helpless to Matt’s gentle lullaby. He set his arms down in front of him and laid his head on the table. After a few minutes of silence, Edd could hear his soft snores. Edd struggled a little to pull his hat free, he then kicked the wood of the door, causing it to swing open. Being as cautious as he could, he leapt down from the cabinet and onto the kitchen countertop, securing his hat back onto his head. He noticed the front door, and was about to run to safety, until he remembered the golden hen he needed. He thought that perhaps if the giant slept long enough, he could take the hen for himself.

Edd crept along the countertop, popping from saucepan to baking sheet, making his way back towards the table. At long last he reached the hen. This hen was not like any other. Its feathers were blue and the top of his head had multiple feathers making it look like Matt’s hair. That wasn’t even the weird part about him though. He had BLACK EYES! The hen had his eyes squinted and he was shaking. He looked like he was about to take the biggest goddamn poop ever. “Um… Hello?” Edd spoke out to the hen. The hen squawked in surprise and flapped its wings urgently, causing a few feathers to fly off. “HEY! DON’T JUMPSCARE ME LIKE THAT!” The hen squawked, giving Edd a provoked glare. “Sorry! Sorry!” Edd said, putting his hands up slightly, trying to defend himself. “What’s your name by the way?” Edd asked the blue hen. “Oh. My name is Tom. And if you don’t mind, I’d like to finish my business here.” Tom said as he turned his head away from Edd like a stubborn teenager. Edd sighed in disbelief but then he saw Tom’s expression again. “Erm… are you going poop?” “What? I’m not defecating you moron! I’m laying an egg!” Tom continued to strain and try desperately to lay his egg. When he finally did, he stood up to have a good look at it. Edd’s eyes widened. It was a golden egg. Pure golden.

“Whoa! You’re the goose Matt told me about!” “Oh. That idiot?” Edd could already tell that Tom doesn’t really have a good relationship with Matt. “Oh. Do you not like Matt?” “He’s alright. He’s hundreds of times better than that stupid giant commie.” “Oh… well would you be so kind as to allow me to take you home with me?” Edd offered, holding his arms out. “Well, anything to get away from that giant. I’m in!” Tom said as he carried his golden egg under his wing and jumped into Edd’s arms. Edd carried the blue hen, as far away from the sleeping giant as possible. From the corner of his eye, Matt could see Edd and Tom nearing the edge of the table. Where the ramp of the leg would take them safely down. He gasped in horror, immediately assuming that Edd had forgotten his promise to take him home. He hopped along the table towards Edd exclaiming “Hey, you!” “Shhh! Matt! Can’t you keep your voice down?!” Edd whispered. “You forgot me?! After all I’ve done for you, you’re just going to leave me here?!” “Shh! I was not! I was gonna get this hen on the floor first and then come back for you! I swear.” “Unlikely story! You just didn’t even wanna take me in the first place! Why would you want a useless harp lying around?” “Please, Matt. You have to keep it down…! The giant might wake up and then-” “It’s always about that dumb old hen isn’t it?? All those eggs are so beautiful! Such a magical wonder~! I bet it’s the rarest egg ever made!” “Matt!” “NO!” Matt shouted, letting out a loud off-key note as he did so. Edd placed his hand on Matt’s mouth to shut him up and he closed his eyes as he heard the unpleasant sound of the giant waking up…

“HUH?! WHAT’S GOING ON HERE-? Wait… where’s my harp? And my hen?” “RUN!!!” Edd frantically shouted, carrying Tom and the golden egg under his arm and sliding down the ramp while Matt followed behind him. “Wait for me!” Matt shouted, bumping into a large cupcake as he pursued Edd. The cupcake teetered on the edge of the table, before falling off and landing with a splat on the floor mere inches from landing on Edd. Edd smeared some of the splatted frosting off his face in destain before continuing his quest to escape. Tord spotted them making their exit, and he growled and braced for the door ahead of them. However, before he could make it, Tord stepped down on the fallen cupcake and slid from one end of the room to another colliding into the wall. BOOM! CRASH!

Edd, Matt and Tom made their way outside towards the beanstalk. Tord the giant was on their tail… “GET BACK HERE, THIEF!!!” Tord shouted, as his ginormous feet slammed onto the clouds, causing them to quake. Edd looked down the enormous beanstalk and realized it was a bit steep… but they could slide down it easily! Without warning, Edd grabbed onto Matt the harp and placed him on his lap as he sat down on the beanstalk top. “Hang on, Matt! We’re in for a ride!” Edd said, Pushing himself down the beanstalk. With the loud screams of the 3, they slid down the giant beanstalk, making their way back to the ground. Edd exclaiming excitedly, Matt screaming the whole way down, and Tom just having a blank, pessimistic expression written all over his face. Mrs. Gould had waited all day for her son to come back home. She looked up at the looming beanstalk curiously when she heard the screaming of Matt and Edd. Much to her surprise, Edd and his two new companions rolled off the beanstalk and landed in a pile of hay uninjured. “Quick! The axe!” Edd alarmed his mother. Mrs Gould obeyed him immediately and brought him the axe he requested. He then began swinging and chopping the beanstalk.

As Edd’s axe kept chipping away at the beanstalk, Tord the giant resumed his chase, sliding down the beanstalk like it was a firefighter pole. Before he could reach the ground however, Edd’s axe had completely cut clean through the beanstalk and the entire plant toppled to the ground with Tord with it. “AAAAAAAHHHH!!!” Tord screamed as he descended to the ground. After a few seconds which felt like agonizing hours, Tord finally hit the ground. BOOOOOOOMMMMM!!! The whole feild shook from the impact, rattled by the backside-flop of this giant. But that wasn’t the only thing falling… Tord seemed okay, but he was unable to move. Tord the looked up in horror to see the beanstalk descending on him… Tord’s last words were… “HENTAIIIIIIII-” BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!! The entire town shook from the impact from the beanstalk falling and crushing Tord into nothing but a bloody pancake.

Meanwhile, Edd and his mother were delighted with his new hen that could lay plenty of golden eggs to make them a fortune. Matt spent his time playing songs for the family, whether they liked it or not. And with the money they earned selling golden eggs, they were able to pay off their debts, and grow plenty of delicious crops to eat, followed by purchasing lots of furniture they needed. At long last, Edd and his mother were able to live a comfortable life with their friends Matt the harp and Tom the hen.

THE END

Credit to: Magpiepony for inspiring me to write this! ^^