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Description
Yep, vent art. This is what it's come to, folks.

When I quit doing the cartoon reviews and went on a full out rant about how it sucked ever kind of dick in the Alphabet, a few of my friends suggested that maybe instead of venting out my frustrations through repeated ramblings about 2010's cartoons that have already crashed and burned, I should just, you know, express my emotions through art. Like our forefathers did on the art websites of the olden times.

And the end result was this: a map of all of the emotions I feel all at once on a normal day. Emphasis on "all at once". I want to go into too much detail about every emotion I have on this list, so I'll just do a lightning round through the names and you guys can guess which one is which. It'd be like a matching game, but with more psychoanalysis. So what we have here is...

Anxiety

Depression

Comedic

Self-Loathing

Overworking Myself

Rage

Pedantic

And last but not least: Emotional Fatigue. Because feeling all of this sh*t all at once almost everyday is kinda like how your computer overheats and lags whenever you have a bazillion tabs all at once. Except, you know, with your soul.

You guys remember how I deleted my old life as Brainstormer623 after I had an emotional breakdown? Well, this is an artist's representation of what the aftermath of that looks like. And it's mostly a negative opinion on myself.

Now, some of you are probably thinking "Ruben, how is being comedic a negative trait? I like your jokes and I think you're funny." Well, thank you, hypothetical audience member, that's very nice of you. And yes, I do have actual people let me know that I am funny. I sprinkle a lot of comedic comments on this website alone and I always get the occasional "thanks, this really made my day" comment. Not to mention that a lot of the people I went to school or worked with will tell you that I often acted like a straight up cartoon character in real life and how that often cheers them up.

No joke, I once offhandedly described myself as, quote, "The best live action Aladdin's Genie before Will Smith got the role" and someone within an earshot of me burst into laughter because he said that was an apt description of me.

So why is me being comedic being seen here as a negative trait? Well, like I said, people like me when I'm funny. And only when I'm funny.

When I'm having a bad day, people tend to treat me differently than when I'm trying to crack a joke. Sure, I get a lot of supportive friends and family members instantly around me whenever I'm sad, with them saying "you helped us, let us help you" mentality. But I do occasionally get people who act rude to me, as if I'm their personal court jester and they're entitled to have me make them laugh and they don't care whether or not I'm in the mood. It's kinda like how I now have problems with bottling up my rage because I spent most of my childhood around people who might as well have told me "I'm allowed to be mad and take out my anger on you, but you're a dead man if you try to do the same to me".

Then there's the fact that while laughter is the best medicine, it doesn't help with literally every situation. If I learned anything from Daily Show, Late Show, Late Night and Full Frontal, it's that constantly joking about how f*cked up the world is doesn't make what's essentially the news any better.

There's also the fact that I only adopted this whole class clown personality when I was in high school because my previous school was so traumatizing that I needed something to help distract me and/or help me feel better. It was basically my personal version of antidepressants.

After all, to quote several blog posts I've seen involving characters like Pinkie Pie and Luan Loud: "Those who laugh the hardest have cried the hardest".

Then there's the fact that all of these emotions are connected to each other and some are probably the aftermath of other emotions. Like maybe I wouldn't be depressed if I hadn't masked my problems through comedy for so long.

Maybe I wouldn't hate myself if I wasn't so pedantic about inconsequential sh*t regarding children cartoons and internet communities.

Maybe my bottled rage wouldn't have such a hair trigger if I didn't overwork myself so damn much for so damn long.

Maybe my anxiety for screwing up is somehow connected to all of this.

And most of all: maybe if I dealt with all of these emotions years ago, not only would I still be Brainstormer623, but I would've had a better decade as Brainstormer623.

Because here's the thing: I don't have this whole emotional imbalance thing because of the people around me. Quite the opposite, actually. Like I said, I have a lot of moments of people standing up for me, even if I don't want them to and don't ask then to. Some of you may remember that in old job, people had the habit of asking me to cover their shifts for them while they took extended lunch breaks. And I would just agree to it and not complain, even though it was exhausting to do everyone's job at once. And this would happen several times for several days for several weeks and it even happened on June 4th.

Yeah, if you didn't suck your teeth at that knowledge, go to the "about" section on my profile.

But all of that stopped when my boss saw me borderline passed out, asked where my coworkers were and them pulled them out of their private pizza party to tell them how I'm not here to be their personal Cinderella.

Then there's moments where one or 2 of my family members try to paint me as a 20 something year old dead-beat millennial, only for the other 98% of my family to get on their case about that BS, talk about how I've helped this family including and beyond financially and how this family would look very different if I wasn't born.

I can't even blame this whole emotional imbalance on that shitty school I just mentioned earlier and several times before. Because I was suffering from things like depression, anxiety and insecurities well beyond that point. In fact, those qualities in myself are literally what cause me to be a magnet for bullies because they hunt for those kind of people like lions with gazelle. My problem with that shitty school isn't that it caused me to fell like this: it just made me feel worse.

It didn't start the fire, it added gasoline to it.

And I certainly can't really blame my life here on DA on this because all of the toxic parts of my past are pretty much over at this point. I don't have ungrateful perverts knocking on my door everyday saying "I don't care if you have school work, chores or other art that you actually want to upload: I want pictures of cartoon characters naked and/or tied and I want it NOW!" anymore, I myself have stopped making posts about how f*cked up the world is and I've officially stopped talking about cartoon tropes and toxic fandoms and other things that literally no one cares about or wants to hear.

If anything, a lot of you guys here on DA have been a big help for me during my road to recovery these past 1.5-ish years. You've supported the work that I actually wanted to do, I've made a lot of progress with different members in my "Brainstorm Entourage" not just with my projects but with their own and the occasional requests I get are from people who actually follow my own guidelines. Almost as if they are decent human beings and not horned up sociopaths.

I really can't thank you guys enough for everything and I hope to make it up to you with more and better content in the near future. I just kinda had to let all of this out through both this picture and this description that's gone on for too long. So, thanks for everything. Really.

Like I said, this isn't a problem I have because of other people: it's more my own actions that caused all of this. Or lack there of. And I'm trying my best to deal with it years after I should've.

This Picture and the persona within it (C) Me, because that is my persona

Description
Yep, vent art. This is what it's come to, folks.

When I quit doing the cartoon reviews and went on a full out rant about how it sucked ever kind of dick in the Alphabet, a few of my friends suggested that maybe instead of venting out my frustrations through repeated ramblings about 2010's cartoons that have already crashed and burned, I should just, you know, express my emotions through art. Like our forefathers did on the art websites of the olden times.

And the end result was this: a map of all of the emotions I feel all at once on a normal day. Emphasis on "all at once". I want to go into too much detail about every emotion I have on this list, so I'll just do a lightning round through the names and you guys can guess which one is which. It'd be like a matching game, but with more psychoanalysis. So what we have here is...

Anxiety

Depression

Comedic

Self-Loathing

Overworking Myself

Rage

Pedantic

And last but not least: Emotional Fatigue. Because feeling all of this sh*t all at once almost everyday is kinda like how your computer overheats and lags whenever you have a bazillion tabs all at once. Except, you know, with your soul.

You guys remember how I deleted my old life as Brainstormer623 after I had an emotional breakdown? Well, this is an artist's representation of what the aftermath of that looks like. And it's mostly a negative opinion on myself.

Now, some of you are probably thinking "Ruben, how is being comedic a negative trait? I like your jokes and I think you're funny." Well, thank you, hypothetical audience member, that's very nice of you. And yes, I do have actual people let me know that I am funny. I sprinkle a lot of comedic comments on this website alone and I always get the occasional "thanks, this really made my day" comment. Not to mention that a lot of the people I went to school or worked with will tell you that I often acted like a straight up cartoon character in real life and how that often cheers them up.

No joke, I once offhandedly described myself as, quote, "The best live action Aladdin's Genie before Will Smith got the role" and someone within an earshot of me burst into laughter because he said that was an apt description of me.

So why is me being comedic being seen here as a negative trait? Well, like I said, people like me when I'm funny. And only when I'm funny.

When I'm having a bad day, people tend to treat me differently than when I'm trying to crack a joke. Sure, I get a lot of supportive friends and family members instantly around me whenever I'm sad, with them saying "you helped us, let us help you" mentality. But I do occasionally get people who act rude to me, as if I'm their personal court jester and they're entitled to have me make them laugh and they don't care whether or not I'm in the mood. It's kinda like how I now have problems with bottling up my rage because I spent most of my childhood around people who might as well have told me "I'm allowed to be mad and take out my anger on you, but you're a dead man if you try to do the same to me".

Then there's the fact that while laughter is the best medicine, it doesn't help with literally every situation. If I learned anything from Daily Show, Late Show, Late Night and Full Frontal, it's that constantly joking about how f*cked up the world is doesn't make what's essentially the news any better.

There's also the fact that I only adopted this whole class clown personality when I was in high school because my previous school was so traumatizing that I needed something to help distract me and/or help me feel better. It was basically my personal version of antidepressants.

After all, to quote several blog posts I've seen involving characters like Pinkie Pie and Luan Loud: "Those who laugh the hardest have cried the hardest".

Then there's the fact that all of these emotions are connected to each other and some are probably the aftermath of other emotions. Like maybe I wouldn't be depressed if I hadn't masked my problems through comedy for so long.

Maybe I wouldn't hate myself if I wasn't so pedantic about inconsequential sh*t regarding children cartoons and internet communities.

Maybe my bottled rage wouldn't have such a hair trigger if I didn't overwork myself so damn much for so damn long.

Maybe my anxiety for screwing up is somehow connected to all of this.

And most of all: maybe if I dealt with all of these emotions years ago, not only would I still be Brainstormer623, but I would've had a better decade as Brainstormer623.

Because here's the thing: I don't have this whole emotional imbalance thing because of the people around me. Quite the opposite, actually. Like I said, I have a lot of moments of people standing up for me, even if I don't want them to and don't ask then to. Some of you may remember that in old job, people had the habit of asking me to cover their shifts for them while they took extended lunch breaks. And I would just agree to it and not complain, even though it was exhausting to do everyone's job at once. And this would happen several times for several days for several weeks and it even happened on June 4th.

Yeah, if you didn't suck your teeth at that knowledge, go to the "about" section on my profile.

But all of that stopped when my boss saw me borderline passed out, asked where my coworkers were and them pulled them out of their private pizza party to tell them how I'm not here to be their personal Cinderella.

Then there's moments where one or 2 of my family members try to paint me as a 20 something year old dead-beat millennial, only for the other 98% of my family to get on their case about that BS, talk about how I've helped this family including and beyond financially and how this family would look very different if I wasn't born.

I can't even blame this whole emotional imbalance on that shitty school I just mentioned earlier and several times before. Because I was suffering from things like depression, anxiety and insecurities well beyond that point. In fact, those qualities in myself are literally what cause me to be a magnet for bullies because they hunt for those kind of people like lions with gazelle. My problem with that shitty school isn't that it caused me to fell like this: it just made me feel worse.

It didn't start the fire, it added gasoline to it.

And I certainly can't really blame my life here on DA on this because all of the toxic parts of my past are pretty much over at this point. I don't have ungrateful perverts knocking on my door everyday saying "I don't care if you have school work, chores or other art that you actually want to upload: I want pictures of cartoon characters naked and/or tied and I want it NOW!" anymore, I myself have stopped making posts about how f*cked up the world is and I've officially stopped talking about cartoon tropes and toxic fandoms and other things that literally no one cares about or wants to hear.

If anything, a lot of you guys here on DA have been a big help for me during my road to recovery these past 1.5-ish years. You've supported the work that I actually wanted to do, I've made a lot of progress with different members in my "Brainstorm Entourage" not just with my projects but with their own and the occasional requests I get are from people who actually follow my own guidelines. Almost as if they are decent human beings and not horned up sociopaths.

I really can't thank you guys enough for everything and I hope to make it up to you with more and better content in the near future. I just kinda had to let all of this out through both this picture and this description that's gone on for too long. So, thanks for everything. Really.

Like I said, this isn't a problem I have because of other people: it's more my own actions that caused all of this. Or lack there of. And I'm trying my best to deal with it years after I should've.

This Picture and the persona within it (C) Me, because that is my persona