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For after all what is man in nature? A nothing in relation to infinity, all in relation to nothing, a central point between nothing and all and infinitely far from understanding either... He is equally incapable of seeing the nothingness out of which he was drawn and the infinite in which he is engulfed.

― Blaise Pascal, French philosopher, "Pascal's Wager"

Author's Notes:

[HEAVY manga spoiler warning, violence]

An angst fic written (or spoken, should I say?) from the viewpoint of Bertholdt Fubar, and how his world is turned upside down when the Reader comes into his life. Deals with alienation, dehumanization, self-identity, and the concept that a single death is a tragedy while a million is a statistic. In other words, if you're looking for something happy and fluffy... I might have to recommend you something else. XD;

Be warned that the outcome of the Invasion of Trost has been entirely rewritten. Moreover, the true nature of the ending is left entirely to the reader's own interpretation.

Hope you enjoy! And please don't get too depressed. @_@;

---Communication Barrier---

You are nothing to me. In the grand scheme of things, you are but a speck of dust, small and insignificant compared to what is truly at stake. Me? I'm an agent of fate, a bringer of change and revolution, fulfilling a purpose that your limited mind can't even begin to comprehend. While you struggle to live out your naive and petty existence, I'm out to fulfill a cause that takes far more priority than all the lives of humanity combined, let alone your own. You're just a single person in a massive crowd, a drop of water in the sea.

... No, you are less than that. You are nothing more than a number. A scratch on the tally. A part of a statistic, a single tack on the final death count. To me, you may as well exist without a name nor a face. When I have the power and the will to destroy all of humanity, since when were you ever of any consequence to me? None whatsoever. It would be preferable to see you killed than to compromise our mission. Your death would change little in the long-run. In fact, one could say that it is even necessary. A being like me ought to feel nothing but contempt for an insect like you.

And yet, I know that we're both wondering the same thing right now. How had it come to this, after all this time?

Standing upon the Wall, facing off in a tense confrontation, you stare at me...and I stare back. I have you cornered. You have nowhere to run. With the back of your heels resting precariously near the edge of the Wall, it would take only the smallest push - the smallest tremor to send you tumbling to your death, down to the wide-open jaws of the monsters waiting eagerly below.

But the Titans seething and groaning at your back are the least of your worries. No, I'm the one you should be fearing. With your gear broken and your blades spent, you have no hope of standing a chance on your own in a fight. Once upon a time, you saw me as comrade - a dear friend, even. Maybe before, you once believed that you and I had the potential to become something more. Now, you can only see me as the monster the truly I am. I can tell by the look in your eyes. You once looked at me with such trust. Now, I see only fear, pain, and betrayal.

Behind me is the ruined city of Trost, filled to the brim with Titans and human corpses. Once more, the floodgates have been breached. You have Reiner to thank for that. You once trusted him too as a comrade, didn't you? But in the end, it's thanks to us that Wall Rose is being overrun with Titans as we speak. The defense has failed. Humanity has fallen once again. Most of your friends, the best you had ever known, are either dead or missing.

Mikasa's gone. You and I had both seen everything. She had refused to leave Eren's side, and wound up being overwhelmed by a wave of Titans. Unsurprisingly, she managed to fell a large handful of them before her strength finally gave out. Now, the Titans have torn her apart. The last we ever saw of Armin was when he was thrown helplessly into an Aberrant's open jaws, this time with no one to rescue him. With those two gone, there was nothing left to stop the Titans from converging on Eren's fallen Titan form. They've already feasted upon the massive corpse...along with the human boy who was still buried helpless and unconscious in its nape.

Jean's corpse is resting at the base of a wall, spine broken backwards. He had been out searching for Marco, who is still missing in action. As for Jean, a Titan had grabbed his wire midflight and thrown him in a bloody heap against the ground. Not far off, Sasha was last heard screaming her lungs out in terror when a Titan grabbed hold of her. Not long after, we all heard a crunch of giant teeth on flesh and bone, and from there her screams ended. Connie is lying crushed beneath the rubble of a collapsed building, with only a bloodied hand sticking out of the debris, still gripping his blade. Christa had been dragged away by the leg to be gnawed on by a five-meter class Titan. Even before that, Ymir had already given her life fighting to protect her - but in the end her efforts were in vain, weren't they?

I'm sure you must be devastated at this point. But having said all this, all I can think about now is the fact that Reiner and I have failed in our mission to retrieve Eren alive. The only thing left to do now is to take bring this madness to Wall Sina, rinse, and repeat. No other way around it. Humanity is finished.

Ever since the invasion began, you've been steeling yourself for this moment. You're terrified at the idea of dying, but still you prepared yourself to make the ultimate sacrifice - despite knowing it would be meaningless in the end. There is only one way this story ends. You will die here with the rest of your comrades, a nameless soldier to be added to the massive pile of corpses. Just another human to be wiped out.

But I don't think you were ever prepared for this. You never imagined that you would end up dying at the hands of someone you once trusted, someone you once held dear and cared for, with all your heart. You must be wondering now if I ever felt anything for you. Maybe it's time that you realized... perhaps you meant nothing to me after all.

Our mission is almost complete. There's no need for you to keep on living any longer.

You are unarmed, lacking the will to fight. I, however, have a single blade in my hand, glinting in the fire of the setting sun. I have to admit, I feel a little remorse after everything we've been through together. But it must be done. I know you wouldn't understand. That's why I won't bother explaining it to you.

...Funny. Right now, it feels as though an impenetrable wall has formed between the two of us, you and me. It's like I'm staring at you through a screen. I can see you on the other side - cold, afraid, and alone, with a murderer standing before you and a crowd of monsters at your back. But no matter what we say to each other now, the words will never go through. You and I... we can no longer communicate.

I can see the overpowering fear in your eyes. Staring at your would-be murderer in the eye, you're frozen, unable to move a muscle. But I can see something else there. Disappointment, denial, and despair. Clearly, you haven't fully grasped the fact that I've essentially betrayed you as a comrade. Once again, you and I are wondering the same question from before - How in the world had it come to this?

After all, it hadn't always been this way between you and me.

...

--- Five Years Ago, Year 845 ---

Do you remember when we first met? Contrary to what everyone believed, our initial encounter was not actually during our enlistment in the 104th Training Division. It was, long before that, when the two of us were still children. You, me and Reiner were refugees fleeing from a doomed Wall Maria, begging for food and charity from the locals in order to survive. Only, you were the real thing, one of the evacuated townsfolk desperate to escape the Titan onslaught. Me... I was just blending in with Reiner.

I have to admit... even back then, I was so fiercely attached to him, to the point of alienating the rest of the world. I was determined to neither speak nor even look at anyone else unless I absolutely had to. Reiner was the one who looked after the both of us while we were hidden amongst the sea of refugees. I just followed his lead. We looked no different from the rest of the children who were fleeing the Wall - with or without parents in their midst. All of us had the same look. Terrified. Lost. Alone. Uncertain as to what was to become of us. But nobody ever realized just how different Reiner and I were from the rest of them.

You didn't realize it back then, but at the time, I was tormented by something completely and utterly different than just fear for my own life. I was still trying to cope with the knowledge that, with my own hands, I had sent thousands of people to their death and thousands more into a world of destitution. Reiner was the same. So when he and I made it to the refugee encampment in one of the inner towns, we felt out of place amongst a crowd full of hollow eyes, pale faces, and hungry mouths. Over a hundred thousand survivors surrounded us, languishing with terror and loss in the aftermath of the invasion. It was through them that we saw firsthand the terrible consequences of our actions.

We were the cause of all this - the cause of their suffering. Theirs, and yours.

As a result, we went out of our way to avoid other people. It was easier on our psyche and shattered conscience that way. All I had was Reiner, and all he had was me. To everyone else, we were distant. Mistrustful. We were both paralyzed with guilt - which was probably why Reiner and I couldn't find the will to stand up to the local bullies when arguments inevitably arose over scarce provisions of food.

I remember cowering behind Reiner as their leader yelled at me, while a small loaf of bread lay fallen in the dirt.

"It's your fault that everyone's starving," said the bully in a hateful voice. "All that food you've managed to waste? That was supposed to be ours. If only the Titans had eaten you two and more of your filthy fellow refugees, we wouldn't be scraping so desperately for a decent meal."

Those words stung. A sudden disdain overpowered my guilt. Of all the people we had to inadvertently put in harm's way, these were the handful that survived?

Reiner was only twelve back then, but he was still built like a tank. Like a steadfast wall, he pit himself between me and the bullies, narrowing his eyes grimly, but unable to find the avenue to argue back. After all, the bullies spoke more truth than they would ever realize. I just stood behind him, wishing I could disappear.

That was when you appeared, crossing your arms and wearing a frown of disapproval... one that was as impressive as a spritely little twelve-year-old could possibly manage, anyhow.

"Are you guys seriously going to be picking fights at a time like this?" you asked calmly. "None of us chose to be here. The Titans drove us out. Everyone is scared and starving, but that doesn't mean we have to take it out on one another. At least the three of you still have your homes, and your families."

The bullies glared at you while Reiner and I stared in wordless observation. I continued to cringe in fear for what was to happen.

"Don't act so high and mighty, twerp," the leader of the gang snarled, drawing close and peering down at you. "You're the one living off of our generosity after all. If you think we're going to just sit around and keep our mouths shut while you outlanders drive us to the point of starvation, think again. That bread you're holding right there comes straight from the livelihood of our families. Remember that."

He was right. Looking over Reiner's shoulder, I could see that you clutched your own meager loaf of bread, your entire supply of government-issued rations for the day. Not nearly enough for growing children like us, but it was all that the locals could spare without starving themselves.

And then, to my surprise - and that of everyone else - you shoved the piece of bread into the bully's chest.

"Here. Take it," you told him simply. "That's your bread lying on the ground over there, right? This one's clean. You don't have to worry about starving for today, so just leave those two alone. There's no need for you to make an even bigger scene. You said so yourself - it belongs to you."

The rest of us just stood there, unable to say a word. Reiner and I both looked at you in amazement. The bullies, looking somewhat flustered, deliberated amongst themselves before shuffling away. I heard them muttering darkly, but they didn't make any further fuss. As I glanced towards the leader, I saw that he clutched the bread in his hand as though it were made of gold.

"Are you insane?" Reiner asked you, narrowing his eyes scornfully. "They've stopped giving out food for today. At this rate, you'll just go hungry."

I let Reiner do the talking and said nothing. Even so, I too wanted to know. Were you simply putting on a show, or was it something more?

That was when you bent over to pick up the loaf of bread that lay fallen in the dirt. It looked cold, and unpleasantly dusty. Even so, you brushed away the grit as best you could. I saw the intention in your eyes.

Reiner held out a hand, hoping to stop you. "H-hey! Don't eat that! It's filthy-"

Too late. Before our very eyes, you bit into the dirty loaf of bread. I saw you grimacing at its foul, dry taste but swallowing it down as best you could. You made neither complaint nor fuss. Both of us stared at you with our mouths hanging open.

That was when I found the nerve to speak up, for the first time. "Why...did you do that?"

You turned your gaze sharply to look at me. I felt like cringing when our faces met - for a moment I thought those eyes of yours could see through me, past my disguise to what I really was. Clearly, that was my paranoia at work.

"I'm hungry, like you two. But also, I'm worried," you answered quietly and honestly. "People have been starting to get violent over the food shortage lately. Even if I wind up starving, I don't want to see anyone hurting or killing each other over a piece of bread. At a time like this, we should be helping each other. Not fighting."

A small, sad smile appeared on your face. "I know that people are trying to look after themselves, but when everybody's suffering, there's a limit to how selfish we should be. We're all in this together, aren't we?"

Those words bewildered me. You weren't just acting - your unselfishness and your concern for the people around you was real.

I didn't know how to answer, looking instead towards Reiner. That was when I noticed the look in his eyes. Immediately I could tell that your words lit a spark in his spirit. He had found what he was looking for - a sudden surge of inspiration bringing light to a dark and miserable life. A means of coping with his circumstances.

"You know what? I think you're right," he agreed, to my complete and utter shock. "Squabbling and arguing isn't the answer. All of us... we have to trust each other in order to survive."

"Isn't that right?" You asked with a smile. "Humans are not the enemy here. We're all on the same side."

The two of you were in accord. I said nothing. Truth be told, I was highly dissatisfied. Perhaps even contemptuous of you. After all, you had no idea who we truly were at the time. And for Reiner to agree on such a thing... well, I knew it was hardly an appropriate outlook for someone who was responsible for sending humanity on the brink of destruction.

We are Titan Shifters. To you humans, we have no real allegiance. ...Trust? Don't make me laugh. There can be no trust between us.

Even so, Reiner introduced the both of us. That was when you smiled at me warmly.

"Your name is Bertholdt, right? I'm [First]. Let's do our best to help each other from now on."

The moment you said those words, I knew that you were going to be trouble. Someone like you had the potential to emotionally compromise the both of us - Reiner especially. So I did my best to keep you away - to avoid you and to convince Reiner to do the same. Still, you found a way to insert yourself in our lives like the busy little bee you were. You had an instinct to look after everyone around you, and the two of us were no different. Reiner found your concern for others admirable. I found it meddlesome.

And so, the more time you spent with us at the refugee encampment, the more Reiner changed. I could tell, because I've been so close to him for so long. He too was drawn to the idea of caring for others. You were the one who encouraged it. While I continued to keep my distance from the humans that surrounded us, Reiner became more community-minded. Remembering your words, he took up the role of a big-brother figure towards the younger child refugees. You taught him the virtue of being reliable for the sake of others, and he followed your example.

All the while, I wished with all my heart that you would just mind your own business and leave Reiner alone. Your influence was derailing his focus on our mission, making him lose sight of who he truly is. But being the spineless coward I am, I didn't have the guts to call you out on your meddling. All I did was stare at you silently, hoping that you would just go away.

But you stayed. You shared your food with us when provisions ran out. You were even resourceful enough to procure extra clothes and blankets to keep us warm. You insisted on keeping us company, even when I tried to avoid you. You made Reiner smile again. You encouraged me to stand up for myself against the bullies, when they came back looking for more trouble. You behaved as though you knew who I really was, when really... you had absolutely no clue.

You are such a miserable, meddlesome little human. Why couldn't you have just left us alone? It wouldn't have ended up like this otherwise.

We spent two years together in the compound. Life as a refugee was nothing but wretched misery and destitution. I was so sure that you would break down like the rest, but you were different. You endured. Not only that, but even as you struggled to live through each day, you still took the time to make sure that everyone else around you was surviving. Being strong for others and not just yourself. You were tireless. You were the picture of benevolence mixed with resilience. A part of me was amazed. But another part of me wanted to break you down and make you understand just how fragile you really are.

Maybe then I wouldn't feel so weak and cowardly in comparison.

I forced myself to tolerate you, thinking that eventually, the world would be the one to break you instead - one way or another. It almost did. Later in the year, the government sent the refugees out on a hopeless campaign to take back Wall Maria. Your family was included in that number. They never came back.

In the aftermath of it all, I found you alone at the outskirts of the refugee encampment, quietly mourning the loss of your mother, father, and older siblings. To be honest... I had never wanted for this to happen in the first place. Neither did Reiner. Two hundred and fifty thousand lives, all sacrificed to the Titans in order to prevent all of humanity from starving. For the refugees who had fled their homes and struggled so hard to survive up until now, it was the final nail in their coffin. To Reiner and I, this was simply another consequence of our crimes - one that we did not expect.

It shocked us. But we both knew it was necessary. No matter how many people had to die, we had to complete our mission. Even then, I wondered... how could I even begin to explain such a thing to you? To justify what I had done? You were robbed of both home and family, yet you didn't realize that the culprit was standing next to you all along.

You stood there, your back turned towards me. In spite of my mistrust for you, I felt like I had to say something... somehow.

"Are you...alright?" I asked, in a sudden spur of courage.

For a while, you said nothing. I could tell that you were crying quietly, but you scarcely made a sound. You were always like that, I noticed. You've always had a desperate need to appear strong, to make your own suffering appear small while tending to the hurts and needs of others. You never considered your own needs above those of the community as a whole.

"Yeah... It's still a shock, to know that they're all gone but..." You suddenly turned and smiled bravely at me through your tears. "...I'll be fine."

You weren't fine. I could tell. But still you smiled. Even though you were unhappy with what the government had decreed, you understood that it was necessary. You believed that you had no right to get angry, because so many others had lost their families that day. You simply... forced yourself to accept it, and found the will to move on.

I couldn't believe it. All this time, I was desperate to see you crumble under the weight of this cruel world. You didn't need comfort or consolation, you did the consoling for others. I couldn't stand to see you so strong, so resilient... when here I am, about to break under the burden of my own guilt. I was angry. Angry at you and angry at myself. Why can't I be more like you?

But no more. Even though I couldn't stand the very presence of you, I knew I had to endure it for a little while longer. Reiner and I were bound for military training within the next year. We would be finally free of this miserable refugee village. Reiner would be free of your influence, and I wouldn't have to see you ever again.

That notion shattered when you told me that you were going to enlist in the military. You were so strong-willed, and I was spineless. You were determined to give humanity another chance, even if it meant laying your own life on the wire. I couldn't stop you.

And so, all three of us... You, me, and Reiner... were inducted into the 104th Training Division. Everything was going so horribly wrong.

You made your friends and cemented your bonds with the other trainees in the regiment. But you still stuck to Reiner and me like a burr. You felt solidarity with us, because we used to be refugees in the same encampment. Essentially, you considered us your childhood friends. Reiner made no argument when you made the decision to stay by our side. The more you two talked, the more Reiner grinned and laughed. And the more he began to lose sight of who he truly was.

Annie noticed this, as well as the way you kept sticking your nose into things. I could tell, she wanted to know what the hell was going on. I frantically assured her that it was all part of the act. She accepted it with a scowl of doubt.

But that was a lie. You were becoming more dangerous by the day. Every night I was sickened with paranoia, thinking that somehow our secret would accidentally slip... or that Reiner would sink deeper into the illusion of being a soldier. He needed a way to cope with being a mass-murderer, so he lost himself in camaraderie.

He preached about the responsibilities of being a soldier, and became a big-brother figure to the other trainees, looking after them the same way you looked after everyone around you. He was the one slipping into madness, and you were helping him along without even realizing it. Despite your innocent intentions, you were setting him up for even more suffering in the long-term. ... I couldn't forgive that.

And so, by that point... I absolutely hated you. For turning Reiner into a complete and utter hypocrite, I think it's safe to say that I wanted you dead. But I said nothing. I gave you no blatant cause to hate me. You took my silence as shyness, and smiled back at me with your endless serenity. Not knowing who I was, or what I was, you found my nervousness endearing. You were kind to me. You were determined to be my friend. I sensed your affection, and your interest. You wanted to get closer. I hated you even more.

I never asked for your smiles. I never asked for your company. I never asked for your small talk, nor your warmth, nor your friendship. I never asked for you to worry after me. And yet you gave your love and care away so freely, without asking anything in return. Your affection is like poison. When you stare at me, I am paralyzed. When you smile at me, you drive a stake through my heart. You laugh at my embarrassment, the feverish redness on my face, and nervous sweat breaking out all over my skin. You playfully clung to my arm like some kind of parasite. To you, I was just a defenseless, timid, ordinary guy. Endearing. Harmless. Someone you could rely on.

I am none of those things. I am just a terrifying monster with the blood of thousands on my conscience. But you... you are far more dangerous than that. With a single smile, you leave me powerless. I lose my voice. My strength fails me. I could neither yell at you to leave me alone, nor could I push you away. I felt trapped. Disarmed. Helpless to your whims. Your affection was toxic, and I was addicted.

With your innocent words and gestures, you spun illusions and pulled me in. I felt human for the first time in years. I found myself laughing and smiling again, because of you. I was finally able to pretend at being happy again. Most horrifying of all, I became attached. And for someone like me, an agent of humanity's destruction, that was the absolute worst case scenario. I was being emotionally compromised, but I couldn't stop myself.

For God's sake. I am a Titan-Shifter, the most dangerous and feared humanity has ever witnessed. Why, then, do you wield so much power over me?

But the final nail was driven in the coffin, when you told me one day... that I was precious to you. There was no one else, not even Reiner, whom you trusted more. You felt safe around me. You said you wanted to be with me, always.

The moment you said those words, I honestly wanted to die. The more human you make me feel, the more I'm reminded of what I truly am, and I can no longer cope with the reality of it. All of the emotions I've tried to keep at bay end up hitting me like a wave - guilt and self-loathing. It's crushing. Painful, like you can't even imagine.

I hate you so much. But really... I hate myself even more.

I wish I could have just told you straight out who I was back then, just so that I wouldn't have to live with the psychological torture you were putting me through. Of course I couldn't, so bit my tongue and forced myself to endure it.

By day, I was the timid and mild-mannered boy you knew and loved.

By night, I thought of strangling you with my own bare hands.

All along, you believed that you were being kind to me. But Honest to God... you were cruel. Innocently so.

You suffocate me. You humiliate me. Every time I see you, I see the sort of person I really am. For five years I lived in torment because of you.

It's all your fault.

--- Year 850 ---

The gears of fate were turning. Trost was set for an invasion. I prepared myself for a repeat of the same nightmare. That was when Reiner sought you out for a private conversation. He looked conflicted. On edge. I had a bad feeling, already wondering what he intended to tell you. So I followed, and listened from a safe distance.

"Listen... [First]," he told you harshly, agitation in his features. "You have to get out of here, somehow. Leave Trost and head for Wall Rose, as quickly as possible. I don't care how you do it. Make up an excuse. Or better yet, just run away if you have to."

You stared at him, shocked beyond all reason. "Reiner, what the hell are you talking about? Why would I leave? You're not making any sense."

Reiner gritted his teeth as he began to explain. "In a few days, something terrible is going to happen here. I ... I can't tell you any more than that, and no one else must know. But the last thing I want is for you to get caught up in this mess."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. The Reiner I knew was not nearly as foolish and impulsive as this. He was supposed to be more like me. Implacable. Uncompromised. Now he had been swayed by his own emotions. He cared for you too much, and it was putting our entire mission in jeopardy. My worst fears were coming true.

Everything we had worked so hard for was about to unravel, all because of some nosy, meddlesome girl. All because of you. You should have died at Zhiganshina.

When you heard Reiner's words, you shook your head stubbornly. "If it's that bad, then I'm staying. I'm a soldier. My place is here with you and Bertholdt. I'm not running away."

You tightened a hand around Reiner's sleeve. "Just tell me what's going on, Reiner. Please... You can trust me."

The moment the word 'trust' came into play, Reiner knew that he was making a stupid, irreversible mistake. No matter how much you pressed him for an explanation, he absolutely refused to answer. That was when I swooped in with furious purpose, grabbed Reiner by the arm, and towed him away. You stared after us, eyes wide with bewilderment.

I knew you weren't a fool. You didn't know the specific details, but you were starting to put two and two together.

I confronted Reiner alone after that. I was angry and hurt. Because of his worthless affections for you, Reiner had nearly ruined everything. He had almost left us exposed. To me, it was a complete and utter betrayal of everything we had gone through together. But more than anything, I was angry... because I, too, had wanted you to leave Trost before the storm hit. Not because I wanted to see you safe, but because I knew you were going to mess things up for us if you stayed. Reiner was just braver about speaking his thoughts than I could ever be.

I yelled at him. He yelled back. Our confrontation nearly came to an exchange of fists, but we stopped ourselves just in time. We couldn't stop our tears, though. Everything was simpler before we met you, we both agreed. Ever since you came into our lives, things haven't been the same. Because of you, we forgot that we were supposed to be cold-hearted killers. You reminded us that we were still human at the core, that we weren't as numb to death and suffering as we once thought we were.

You were just supposed to be another human being. Weak and fragile. Yet you had managed to leave two monsters in a state of torment and agony. You had corrupted us.

In the end, I managed to convince Reiner to not say a single word more, and to just progress with the plan as usual. Break down the Trost Gate. Root out our target. Leave you at fate's mercy. He relented, but without a shred of joy on his face.

With that, my nerves settled... only to be wound up once again when we both finally looked up. Annie Leonhardt had been standing there, listening the whole time.

---

The world looks different when you're a monster. Everything is simpler. And of course, everyone looks smaller. Less like humans, more like lowly insects. Standing above the wall and peering in, the whole town looks like a children's toy, so easily smashed up and destroyed. Such strange, surreal feeling. Sometimes, I wonder if I feel anything at all.

After all, how is this any different from burning a nest full of wasps? Or digging out an anthill? These communities of tiny, miniscule beings work so hard to build a home for themselves, living an everyday struggle. But to someone a hundred times larger, it's just so easy to stamp out their livelihood without a second thought.

So you see, this Titan form is a wonderful skin for me to wear. Buried a meter deep within bundles of muscle, I felt like I was in a protective shell. I could finally pretend that I am a soulless, heartless being without a shred of emotion. To my would-be victims, I felt neither pity nor attachment. There is no pain. No guilt. No sadness or self-loathing. I had become something... other than human.

Did I think of you as I shattered the gate? Hard to say. From where I stood, you were the same as the rest. Just another person in the masses of faceless, nameless people staring up at me. A speck amongst the thousands. Insignificant. Meaningless. Another weak, fragile human being. That is the difference between the two of us. Because of that, I feel safer. There is a wall between us. I am detached, unburdened. I don't have to feel a single thing for you. It's... liberating, really.

Even better, I wouldn't even have to kill you with my own hands. The Titans can do all of the killing for me. If you think about it that way, aren't they the real murderers here? All I did was open the floodgates. That's what the mission requires of me, after all.

Yes. I'm a terrible person, I know. But being like this is just another way for me to cope with the world. If I keep telling myself that it's not my fault, that the deaths of thousands were necessary, and that you're nobody important... one day, I may even start to believe it.

---

After encountering a close call with Eren Jaeger, I shed my Titan form and returned to Trost Branch Headquarters with Reiner. Once again, I wore my mask. I was no different from the humans panicking and hurrying around me. Now that I was no longer sixty-metres tall, I witnessed their terror first-hand. The Titans were coming. And I, the one who had sparked off the invasion, would soon be fighting for my survival among them.

The trainees were gathering in the courtyard. That was when you came up to meet us, a look of utmost horror and disbelief on your face. Reiner and I both exchanged glances, and froze at the very sight of you. Little by little, you were starting to figure it out.

"You two..." you whispered, skin pale. "This was what you were talking about earlier, wasn't it? You both knew this would happen?"

Reiner was unable to say a word. So was I. I could tell from the look in your eyes that you begged for an explanation. Yet you still clung onto the trust and camaraderie you felt for Reiner and me. You feared for the truth.

That was when the trainees were all called to attention. Reiner and I were spared the misery of having to explain everything to you there and then. But we both knew we were only delaying the inevitable.

Annie looked more murderous than ever.

---

It still amazed me, just how much people fight tooth and nail just to survive. Even in the despair and hopelessness of it all, their instinct to survive is the last thing they cling to before the inevitable.

At first, I didn't believe you had what it took to be a soldier. You seemed too kind. Too concerned about others, and not enough about yourself. You were the type to put yourself at risk if it meant looking after someone else. I didn't know why Reiner wanted to be more like you.

But I was wrong. That was your strength. You didn't care about entering the Military Police. You weren't looking for an easy life like Jean, nor did you wish for a glorious life serving the king like Marco. You weren't fueled by hatred the way Eren was, and you didn't fully accept the idea of sacrificing oneself for humanity the way Armin did.

I remember something you once told me. These were your words.

"Sometimes, you have to let go of your selfishness and look outside of yourself. All around you there are people are facing the same struggle, and fighting the same battle. You can't just hide in your shell and cut yourself off from them. You have to get involved. You have to engage yourself with the world. It's a little frightening, I know, but you have to see yourself as just a tiny part of something much larger, and much more important. We are not islands of flesh. Just by living our lives, we're already connected to everyone else. We have to depend on and look after each other, otherwise we'll always be alone."

Back then, you smiled at me a little sadly. "Compared to the whole of humanity, I'm not that important. I'm just a face in the crowd. But I still have a place in this world. Not as an individual, but as a single part of the whole. I am connected with the community, and together we are strong. That's why I feel that trust is so important. Trust is vital for people to survive."

Those words made me realize something. A single person may seem as insignificant as a speck of dust in the universe... but they still have a place in this world. They were born with the inalienable right to live, and in some way or another, they are equipped to protect that right.

It doesn't matter how small or fragile you are. Wasps sting. Ants bite. Though helpless by themselves, they amass in large numbers to fight as one. Even the smallest of insects struggle for their lives, and the largest of beasts have no right to laugh at that. And you... you fought not only for your survival, but for those of the people around you.

No wonder Reiner was inspired by your example. Even I felt a little hope, hearing that from you. I don't know if there is a place in this world for someone like me but... maybe, just maybe, I still have possess the right to live.

---

Trost was seething with Titans. The citizens were successfully evacuated, at the cost of our comrades. After a near escape from Trost Headquarters, we escaped to Wall Rose, where we continued to reel from the horror of it all.

That was when Annie told you everything.

She confronted all three of us - you, me and Reiner - in the privacy of an abandoned building. There, you learned who your two best friends truly were. Reiner was the Armored Titan, and I was the Colossal Titan. Together, we were responsible for the invasion of your hometown, and the subsequent fall of Wall Maria.

I was speechless. Reiner was mortified. You, however, were in a state of utter disbelief. Even when Annie confronted you with the cold, hard facts, you still took it to be some horrible, cruel joke. That was when you started putting the pieces together. When you finally accepted the story as truth, you never looked at us the same way again.

We had destroyed your hometown, forced you into the life of a refugee, sent you on the brink of starvation, condemned your family to death, murdered thousands of innocents - including your comrades. The final twist was that all this time you believed that we were your dearest friends.

I could see the hurt and pain in your eyes. But there was something else. Anger. Hate. You swore never to forgive us. Reiner looked as though he might break down. I convinced myself that I felt nothing, but I think... maybe, some small hidden part of me wanted to scream out loud.

Reiner immediately took his anguish out on Annie. Why did she tell you? He wanted to know.

The answer was cold, simple, and straightforward. You were becoming an eyesore, she said. Dangerous and meddlesome. By telling you our secret, we had the perfect excuse to get rid of you. There was no need for the three of you to play at being comrades anymore.

With that, she drew her blades, and advanced on you. Only, Reiner let out a roar of fury and tackled Annie to the ground just as she was about to swipe her blade at you.

In the midst of their fierce scuffle, you fled the building and headed straight towards the Wall, where the command post was located. You were going to tell everyone. I was immediately in pursuit after you. The hunt was on, but I think we were both more terrified than anything at that point. What was I supposed to do when I caught you? Annie was right, you had to be silenced. But Reiner wouldn't want that. Your death would devastate him, I realized. But how could I let you live after everything all that's happened?

All I knew was that I had to stop you from getting away.

You took to the air. I followed after you, weaving through the buildings, above the heads of bewildered soldiers.

That was when the air was filled with explosive thunder. One bolt of lightning descended to the ground. It was quickly followed by another. The concussive force was enough to send you and I both flying into the same roof. Your gear shattered from the impact.

All of Wall Rose trembled in horror as the Female Titan and the Armored Titan began brawling it out in the open, powered by nothing but frenzied madness. Buildings were smashed, and people were brutalized under the wake of their scuffle. The ground trembled, and you saw Reiner for what he truly was. The sight was enough to make you speechless with awe and terror.

Everything was quickly going to hell, all because of you.

Annie had managed to throw Reiner off, causing him to land with a crash among a cluster of houses. Gigantic eyes swiveled in their sockets until they finally locked onto you. With homicidal intent, she began her murderous rampage after you. The soldiers were unable to mass together in time.

You screamed, and jumped away from the roof before she managed to bring her fist down. The building was flattened, and you tumbled helplessly into the air. That was when I grabbed you midair, and held you fast. You squirmed and struggled in my grip, but I had you safely in my arms. At this rate, with two Titan-Shifters engaged in a fierce battle, I feared for my own life. It was only a matter of time until Eren entered the fray as well. Whatever I was going to do, now that I've caught you, I had to get to safety first before I wound up getting trampled.

With that, I began making my way hastily towards the top of the wall, with you under duress. Annie was at our heels, making furious swipes to grab us both.

That was when Reiner charged her down and brought them both through the Wall itself. The Gate was struck down, leaving the Titans free to wander in. Once again, the same calamity from five years ago had struck all of humankind. Wall Rose was about to fall.

In the panic of it all, a third thunderbolt fell to earth. Eren had transformed, but was unable to fully control his Titan form. Even with Mikasa and Armin by his side, he succumbed quickly to the wave of Titans swarming in through the gate. One by one, our comrades fell - killed or devoured. It was a scene of death and brutality that hallmarked the end days for mankind.

Not caring about anything any more, Reiner and Annie continued to tear each other apart in a fit of uncontrollable anger. You and I reached the top of the Wall, well away from the action. Knowing that there was nowhere else for you to run, I let go of you. From there, you began to take in the scene of madness that was unfolding all around you.

All of Trost was bathed in a blood-red sunset. The town is filled with ruined and collapsed buildings. Corpses lay rotting in the sun, and the Titans wandered mindlessly in search of prey. It didn't take them long to find the shattered gate. Together they seeped through the boundaries of Wall Rose, spreading out like an infection. Soldiers bravely threw themselves into the fray, only to be devoured one by one. It was a scene of apocalyptic chaos and destruction. ...One that you were all too familiar with.

From where you were standing, there were neither words nor tears. Only silent devastation. I could tell that you were finally starting to realize, that this marked the beginning of the end. At the sound of bladed steel unsheathing into the air, you turned around to stare at me.

Everything was finally coming full circle towards its conclusion. From here, there can be no happy ending.

---

And now, here we are, back in the present. Together we stand once more, but no longer are we comrades. I am not the man you once cared for. I'm just a murderer who harbors no remorse for the blood on his hands, nor pity for those he leaves suffering. I am a monster, plain and simple. There is no room in this heart for mercy.

I look at you now, and I can see that you're crumbling before my very eyes. Everything you once believed in has fallen apart. You thought you could be strong by finding solidarity with other people, to fight alongside the community around you as a single, stalwart unit. But your fortress of security has fallen. Holding onto the trust that you believed in, you never anticipated this kind of betrayal. It's enough to shake you to the core.

You are alone again. No one is here to support you. The comrades you fought so hard for are almost dead, and you will soon follow. In the end, only power prevails. You were just a tiny, weak existence compared to the whole of the universe. Humble. Foolish. An insignificant creature, whose only purpose now is to be wiped out without a second thought. You know this just as well as I do. I can see it in your eyes, the look of horror on your face now that you realize that you possess no value, no importance to the world.

...It's funny, how much we can learn about our own true selves, simply by looking at one another. You reflect me and I reflect you. The truth, in all its painful, terrifying glory. It's no wonder why I hated you so much. You forced me to face the truth about myself. Now, I'm doing the same to you. Hurts, doesn't it? But you know... fair's fair. You were the one who made me suffer more than I had to, after all.

But no more. This twisted game needs to end.

I tilt my head upwards, staring into the crimson sky before closing my eyes. I draw in a deep breath. The atmosphere is filled with the scent of black-powder, Titan steam, and the stench of death. I can hear the sounds of battle from here - screams of death and terror amongst the thunder of giant footfalls. Once again, I am reminded of the fact that I am alive... and that I will finally be free of this madness. Free of you.

I tighten my grip around the handle of my blade. I empty out my mind - all that is left is purpose. Steeling myself coldly, I begin a slow and steady march across the breadth of the wall towards you. No words are needed here, my intentions are clear. You are frozen, rooted to the spot, heart gripped with dread as I stand over you.

I have plenty of corpses to my name. One more won't bother me.

I hold my blade high, feeling nothing but contempt as I stare down at you. Standing in my shadow, you cringe, and close your eyes.

There's something a little more personal about impaling someone through with a blade, then to simply set a horde of Titans loose on them. I don't know why the thought occurred to me just then. There really was no difference. No matter how you kill someone, they all die in the end.

In your case, this is just an act of mercy. I'm sure you'd rather be killed by me than to be devoured by a Titan...right?

Bracing myself, I willed myself to bring my blade down, administering the killing strike.

...

...Except I don't. My blade hangs utterly still in the air. I am bewildered. Confused. I try again. My muscles fail me, and the blade remains right where it is. Frozen. Unmoving. My eyes widen. Why can't I move my arm?

You're still standing there before me, eyes clenched shut, waiting for the killing blow that would never come. There is a clattering of metal as my arm begins to tremble violently. No matter how much determination I try to muster, my body won't obey me. The blade won't fall. My composure falls apart. The surface of my skin turns cold, and I begin to panic.

Why can't I do it...? Why can't I kill you?

You open your eyes to the sensation of warm teardrops landing upon your face. Why am I crying? Why the hell is this happening to me now? At the most crucial moment?

Don't tell me that I'm still human, after all this time. I'm supposed to be heartless. Cruel. Unfeeling. I've taught myself to be numb to the world and its injustices. Why, then, is my heart hurting so much? Why does my chest feel like it's going to explode? Why can't I speak? Why can't I move? Why am I trembling so much, and why won't the tears stop falling?

Once again, you leave me paralyzed. But ...is it really your fault that I'm like this? Could it be... that I was simply the weak one all along? Am I the one who really deserves to be hated?

Have I ... really fallen for you?

The blade sinks harmlessly to my side. I can't find the strength to hold it anymore, so I simply let it fall to the floor.

Reiner... Help me. What am I supposed to do now?

Below us, the two Titan-shifters continue to brawl viciously. The wall trembles with the weight and impact of their movements. I suddenly remember what Reiner once said to me, how he once considered bringing you back to our home-village. It seemed like a ludicrous idea once before, but right now, I'm beyond any shred of reason. I don't know what in the world is driving me at this point. All I know is that I suddenly want to save you somehow, and I can't stop myself.

There is an invisible wall between us, preventing me from reaching out to you. But walls have never stopped me before.

"[First]... " I say your name, for the first time in what seems like ages. You look up in surprise. My throat is dry and parched, but I struggle to make myself heard nonetheless.

"I... this is going to sound crazy, but ... I've decided..." Gulping, I affirm my thoughts before speaking on. "...that I can't let you die."

You stare at me in disbelief and confusion. Mustering my courage, I continue, "I know I deserve to hang for what I've done... and I won't ask for your forgiveness. But please, just give me a chance, and we can make it out of here."

"...Make it... out of here?" You echo, bloodshot eyes widening. "You mean, escape...?"

"Yeah..." I say, somehow managing a reassuring smile. "Reiner and I... you see, we have a home to return to, back in Wall Maria. You'll be safe with us. We can go together."

You are unable to find the right response for this. Looking over the edge of the wall, Annie looks still determined to kill you as ever, and Reiner is fighting tooth and nail to stop her. Already, I can guess what you're thinking.

"I know... I know that you can't trust me anymore, [First]," I say quietly, filled with regret. "I won't make excuses, or try to pin the blame on anyone else, anymore. All I want is to give you this one chance, because I... " Gulping down my hesitation, I finally admit the truth, to you and to myself.

"...I care about you, [First]. You've always been precious to me. I was just such a coward that I refused to admit it. I've been in denial all this time. ... But now that I realize just how important you are, I can't lose you now. Not like this."

It's true. To the rest of the world, you might as well exist without a name or a face. But to me, you're the most important person of all. You helped me realize the truth - that underneath it all, I'm still human in the end. Maybe that knowledge is the only thing that can save me now.

And so, right now, I'm begging for you to accept my help. But I can see the shadows of doubt in your eyes. You're too torn up on the inside, you've lost your former strength. You've given up on everything you believed in. At the worst moment possible, what I had wished for so long ago has been granted. Your will was crushed by the weight of the world. I look at you now, and I feel devastated at what I see. In the end, I don't want this after all.

You shake your head at me, and back away slowly.

"No, Bertholdt..." Tears spring to your eyes. "I... I can't do it. There's no future for me. It's over for humanity... Everyone's going to die, aren't they? Even if I'm the last one left, I..." You cover your mouth at the horrific realization. "Oh God..."

I too, suddenly understand the implications of what I am asking of you. It's enough to leave me horrified as well. As the Titans advance towards Wall Sina, the extinction of mankind is inevitable. And yet, if you accepted my help, it remained a strong possibility you alone would live on as the last human on earth, in a desolate and hostile world filled with nothing but Titans. You would continue to exist, knowing that you were the last of your kind - the small and insignificant individual who managed to survive when thousands had perished in your place.

And for someone who valued living among others so much, you were destined for such a lonely, miserable life. ...If it could be called a life, at all. It seemed more like a forced existence that had no value, no joy, and no meaning. You were right. You have no future anymore. Nothing left to live for. Maybe it would be better to let you die here, in order to spare you from the wretchedness of all.

Realizing this, I feel like I'm being torn apart. Why did it have to be now, right coming to terms with my humanity? With my love for you? I can no longer find it in me to kill you... but to let you live would mean to prolong your suffering. Should I be selfish, or merciful? Should I cling to you or let you go? I can't wallow in cowardice and indecision anymore. I have to make a choice.

As it turns out, you aren't going to give me that chance. Slowly, you back away from me even further, a look of pain and resignation in your eyes.

"I'm sorry, Bertholdt..." your voice trembles. "I...I don't think I can do it... You should just go without me... There's no place in this world for me anymore. I don't belong anywhere... "

I take a step towards you, desperate this time. "Please, [First]. I'm begging you. Just give me a chance. ...Trust me, this one last time-"

You shake your head frantically and continue to back away, tears spilling from your eyes. "I can't, Bertholdt. I'm sorry... I can't believe in you anymore..."

I can't believe it. The moment I finally realize that I can't let you go, I'm suddenly losing you. You're slipping out of my grasp. Don't you realize how important you are to me? All along I was just running away from the truth, but you made me understand just how human I am. Compared to you, I'm the one who's truly weak, pathetic, and insignificant.

I need you to stay with me, before the truth slips away from me once more. You're the one who can save me. You're the one who can change me. You're the one who can stop me from turning back into a monster again. Just this once, you have to trust me. You have to believe in me.

You have to, or else I-

The Wall is suddenly wracked with a violent tremor as the two Titan-shifters below suddenly crash into its surface. The impact is enough to knock the both of us off balance. I stumble away from you. You stumble back a step. Your heels rest precariously upon the edge...

You fall backwards. Your feet leave the edge of the wall. As I stare in horror, you float gently into the open air. Waiting at the foot of the Wall are the masses of Titans, jaws opening hungrily in anticipation. In the next split-second, I see the expression on your face change from one of fear... to one of quiet acceptance. A sighing breath leaves your lips as you gently close your eyelids and wait for the end.

You descend through the air towards the Titans below.

From that point, everything becomes a blur for me. A waking dream. I see myself leaping off the edge of the wall, catching up towards your falling form. Just before you are crushed between giant, monstrous teeth, I snatch you out of the air and maneuver us both to safety with the aid of my wires.

I'm holding you in my arms. It's as though you're a lifeline, and I'm clinging on for dear life. And yet, you feel so tiny and vulnerable in my arms, as though the smallest squeeze would break you. I'm terrified beyond reason, but what brings me back to sanity is the warmth of your life-force. The movement of your breath. The sound of your heartbeat. You are alive, and as I tightly embrace you, my eyes fill with tears. I start thanking God and anyone who would listen that I managed to save you in time.

...But sometimes, I dream differently. I am paralyzed, numb to the core, helplessly staring over the edge of the Wall as you fall to your death. The full realization of just how much I've lost hits me like a brick wall, as I watch you fold up inside the jaws of a Titan and disappear.

To this day, I still don't know... which dream is real, and which one's the illusion.

Maybe I never will.