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Description
Original Public Patreon Post.

~~~

I recently had an argument with my husband and in his spooked state he said hurtful and blaming things before checking to see if I'm alright or if he could help. He did help right away but in direct frustration at me, lashing out.

I understand why, the way I do things doesn't make any sense to him. It doesn't necessarily make sense to me either, but that's not really a great way to defend myself. In this moment of direct hostility I did my best to hold in my own jabs and things that he did that caused me pain or discomfort. But I managed to bite my tongue leaving nothing more than audible, "Wow, Okay, Sure." in what I hope to be a calm and more civil voice. My mind traveling back to a story I remember well about a boy learning to control his anger and frustration by putting holes in a fence. It really resonated with me and that's what inspired the theme of the picture if you can't tell.

I think because of how calm I was trying to be, he realized much faster that he was having a mild overreaction from being surprised with immediate need of chores/his spoons at the end of the night when they're all already spent. I understand this anger and frustration of the event, I too was very upset. But I was having other emotional crisis, the accident was a bunch of chemicals that spilled onto Daisy's favorite napping pillow in my office. The same pillow my late Candy use to covet. It warms my heart to see this connect bridge them together in the softest of ways everyday. To think I was so stupid after SO many warnings to not put the chemical wash there I would change it, but no. I scoff and carry on because I am much too tired to nit pick how chores get done if they EVER get done. It's a miracle I do this gross chore at all.

I spent most of the rest of the evening sniffling and crying. I wasn't able to discuss my feelings of loss and how it brought Candy fresh back to me. How I felt like I lost her all over again and I was so upset with myself for being so stupid.

My partner softened at the crying, trying to explain logically it happened and it shouldn't have. But I just end up screaming at him, "THAT'S NOT THE REASON I'M UPSET." And he pauses, nods, and walks away.

Coming back a bit later with water or whatever snacks and upset AJ needs, he explains he's sorry for overreacting. He's sorry he didn't check to see if I was okay or what was wrong first. I was very happy to hear he came to the conclusion all on his own without me needing to fully calm down and try to explain it without getting him defensive.

However as the night wore on, the hurt was ever still present. I heard his apology. He understood what was wrong. He was helping to amend the physical side effects of crying and even promised to try harder not be so reactionary next time something happens because I've become scared of when things mess up, even if it has nothing to do with me if it's in my vicinity it still causes panic. My depression has made me very withdrawn, determined to do everything IRL with no help. I'm trying desperately to break those habits and hearing my husband say he wants to help should be a light at the end of the tunnel.

Except it isn't. There is a deep ache from words he used in anger. I had forgiven him. Wasn't this enough to smooth it over? I think of the fence. I think of the holes and scars that wood must hold. I know the fence in my mind is very little wood at this point.

All my life I have had pain inflicted upon me from various things. But just as much as I got it, the angry little child/teenager that was AJ gave it back twice as much.

And now as I get older and my old scars ache, I think back at the holes I made. The nasty things I've said. I regret most, some I laugh and think are well deserved. But most... Most never deserved to carry such senseless holes. How they must remember me as the one inflicting it on them. How they will ever forgive me or think well of me. And that's on me to make peace with. No one has to forgive me or give me the time of day and I will always respect that.

I guess I try to remember.. to be patience. To practice kindness even in the face of hurt. I just try a little bit more.

Things must change though. I can't keep taking nails. From myself or others. I must learn to be more confident in myself and my decisions. I am worth it. I am stronger than I was before. These holes will heal, and when they ache they will remind me to be kind. Because everyone knows this pain I'm feeling. The sting of regret. I have a very high pain tolerance! If anyone can do it, I know it's me! (๑•̀ㅂ•́)و✧

If you're an angry person like myself. It's okay, just keep practicing. Keep trying. Keep communicating. ♥

Where to find Clover Coin Designs content! ❤

✦ Patreon

✦ Deviantart ➤ You are here!

✦ Twitter

✦ ToyHouse

✦ Amazon Wish List

Description
Original Public Patreon Post.

~~~

I recently had an argument with my husband and in his spooked state he said hurtful and blaming things before checking to see if I'm alright or if he could help. He did help right away but in direct frustration at me, lashing out.

I understand why, the way I do things doesn't make any sense to him. It doesn't necessarily make sense to me either, but that's not really a great way to defend myself. In this moment of direct hostility I did my best to hold in my own jabs and things that he did that caused me pain or discomfort. But I managed to bite my tongue leaving nothing more than audible, "Wow, Okay, Sure." in what I hope to be a calm and more civil voice. My mind traveling back to a story I remember well about a boy learning to control his anger and frustration by putting holes in a fence. It really resonated with me and that's what inspired the theme of the picture if you can't tell.

I think because of how calm I was trying to be, he realized much faster that he was having a mild overreaction from being surprised with immediate need of chores/his spoons at the end of the night when they're all already spent. I understand this anger and frustration of the event, I too was very upset. But I was having other emotional crisis, the accident was a bunch of chemicals that spilled onto Daisy's favorite napping pillow in my office. The same pillow my late Candy use to covet. It warms my heart to see this connect bridge them together in the softest of ways everyday. To think I was so stupid after SO many warnings to not put the chemical wash there I would change it, but no. I scoff and carry on because I am much too tired to nit pick how chores get done if they EVER get done. It's a miracle I do this gross chore at all.

I spent most of the rest of the evening sniffling and crying. I wasn't able to discuss my feelings of loss and how it brought Candy fresh back to me. How I felt like I lost her all over again and I was so upset with myself for being so stupid.

My partner softened at the crying, trying to explain logically it happened and it shouldn't have. But I just end up screaming at him, "THAT'S NOT THE REASON I'M UPSET." And he pauses, nods, and walks away.

Coming back a bit later with water or whatever snacks and upset AJ needs, he explains he's sorry for overreacting. He's sorry he didn't check to see if I was okay or what was wrong first. I was very happy to hear he came to the conclusion all on his own without me needing to fully calm down and try to explain it without getting him defensive.

However as the night wore on, the hurt was ever still present. I heard his apology. He understood what was wrong. He was helping to amend the physical side effects of crying and even promised to try harder not be so reactionary next time something happens because I've become scared of when things mess up, even if it has nothing to do with me if it's in my vicinity it still causes panic. My depression has made me very withdrawn, determined to do everything IRL with no help. I'm trying desperately to break those habits and hearing my husband say he wants to help should be a light at the end of the tunnel.

Except it isn't. There is a deep ache from words he used in anger. I had forgiven him. Wasn't this enough to smooth it over? I think of the fence. I think of the holes and scars that wood must hold. I know the fence in my mind is very little wood at this point.

All my life I have had pain inflicted upon me from various things. But just as much as I got it, the angry little child/teenager that was AJ gave it back twice as much.

And now as I get older and my old scars ache, I think back at the holes I made. The nasty things I've said. I regret most, some I laugh and think are well deserved. But most... Most never deserved to carry such senseless holes. How they must remember me as the one inflicting it on them. How they will ever forgive me or think well of me. And that's on me to make peace with. No one has to forgive me or give me the time of day and I will always respect that.

I guess I try to remember.. to be patience. To practice kindness even in the face of hurt. I just try a little bit more.

Things must change though. I can't keep taking nails. From myself or others. I must learn to be more confident in myself and my decisions. I am worth it. I am stronger than I was before. These holes will heal, and when they ache they will remind me to be kind. Because everyone knows this pain I'm feeling. The sting of regret. I have a very high pain tolerance! If anyone can do it, I know it's me! (๑•̀ㅂ•́)و✧

If you're an angry person like myself. It's okay, just keep practicing. Keep trying. Keep communicating. ♥

Where to find Clover Coin Designs content! ❤

✦ Patreon

✦ Deviantart ➤ You are here!

✦ Twitter

✦ ToyHouse

✦ Amazon Wish List