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Description
Why can't anyone see that doing all of these every day tasks, waking up, showering, going to class, eating, reading, everything is just ...harder for me? Why can't anyone see that dealing with the waves adversity and inconvenient problems that inevitably arise are more like tsunamis and catastrophes to me? It's not just unfortunate, it's unbearable. It's not just sad, it agonizing. it's not just scary, it's terrifying. Everything you go through, I struggle through. Everything you sigh for, I shed tears for. Everything you cry about, I weep and tremble about. I don't care if you've gone through worse because I feel like i've gone through worlds you will never see and sure you might think that's selfish of me, but I've been selfless enough throughout my life without what I need so you can take on a small burden for once and deal withit because that's all I've ever had to do and It's not fair. Nothing is fair. At least not for me.

I just want it to stop. I want everything to just. stop. I want to do well in school, I want to make you proud, I want to make myself happy, I want to say hello again and start over, I want everything that everything else doesn't want me to do. I can't win this war. I've been losing it for 6 years, and I will only become worse off as time goes on. Things will get better for a moment, but all in all, can't anyone see how bad things are? I suppose they do, but how can they do anything? this is all my fault, all in my head and no one can fight it but me and I'm so tired of fighting. These uphills are mountains and these downhills are cliffs to quote Shane Koyczan and I've lost all of my grappling gear. I can't move from here because all of these tools I've been advised to use are useless, broken and far past my capabilities to even begin to understand how to work.

I have heard every line from"it will get better" to "i'm here for you" to "you can talk to me!" to "just deal with it" and every kind of line, cliche and 'pep talk' in between. you'd think I would have learned by now, or taken advice by now, but contrary to what you may think, I take every piece of dvise i can, I read everything I can, learn everything I can but nothing works. It's not because I haven't tried don't you dare say I haven't tried because you don't know how hard I fight every day while you sit there mocking my pain. I try as hard as I can every day to just deal with ever single feeling that flies my way and slaps me across the face because that's what I have to do to survive. Sure I have it good. Sure my family isn't doing "poorly" and sure I have a lot of things others don't but you know the saying "if you don't have your health, well then what do you have?". Well the answer is nothing. If you don't have your health, you could be standing in a room with everything you ever wanted but only feel like you're at the bottom of a dark, cold well with bloody scratch marks everywhere from you trying to escape.

You might think I'm doing well, that I'm happy and that everything is okay because that's what it looks like, or you might think I'm just some annoying crybaby that likes to complain all the time to everyone and get attention. You might think everything awful of me, you might idolize me or you might just not care but whatever it is, I'm not okay.

Description
Why can't anyone see that doing all of these every day tasks, waking up, showering, going to class, eating, reading, everything is just ...harder for me? Why can't anyone see that dealing with the waves adversity and inconvenient problems that inevitably arise are more like tsunamis and catastrophes to me? It's not just unfortunate, it's unbearable. It's not just sad, it agonizing. it's not just scary, it's terrifying. Everything you go through, I struggle through. Everything you sigh for, I shed tears for. Everything you cry about, I weep and tremble about. I don't care if you've gone through worse because I feel like i've gone through worlds you will never see and sure you might think that's selfish of me, but I've been selfless enough throughout my life without what I need so you can take on a small burden for once and deal withit because that's all I've ever had to do and It's not fair. Nothing is fair. At least not for me.

I just want it to stop. I want everything to just. stop. I want to do well in school, I want to make you proud, I want to make myself happy, I want to say hello again and start over, I want everything that everything else doesn't want me to do. I can't win this war. I've been losing it for 6 years, and I will only become worse off as time goes on. Things will get better for a moment, but all in all, can't anyone see how bad things are? I suppose they do, but how can they do anything? this is all my fault, all in my head and no one can fight it but me and I'm so tired of fighting. These uphills are mountains and these downhills are cliffs to quote Shane Koyczan and I've lost all of my grappling gear. I can't move from here because all of these tools I've been advised to use are useless, broken and far past my capabilities to even begin to understand how to work.

I have heard every line from"it will get better" to "i'm here for you" to "you can talk to me!" to "just deal with it" and every kind of line, cliche and 'pep talk' in between. you'd think I would have learned by now, or taken advice by now, but contrary to what you may think, I take every piece of dvise i can, I read everything I can, learn everything I can but nothing works. It's not because I haven't tried don't you dare say I haven't tried because you don't know how hard I fight every day while you sit there mocking my pain. I try as hard as I can every day to just deal with ever single feeling that flies my way and slaps me across the face because that's what I have to do to survive. Sure I have it good. Sure my family isn't doing "poorly" and sure I have a lot of things others don't but you know the saying "if you don't have your health, well then what do you have?". Well the answer is nothing. If you don't have your health, you could be standing in a room with everything you ever wanted but only feel like you're at the bottom of a dark, cold well with bloody scratch marks everywhere from you trying to escape.

You might think I'm doing well, that I'm happy and that everything is okay because that's what it looks like, or you might think I'm just some annoying crybaby that likes to complain all the time to everyone and get attention. You might think everything awful of me, you might idolize me or you might just not care but whatever it is, I'm not okay.