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DestinyBlue — (1/5) Psychotic Depression
Published: 2016-05-21 13:53:46 +0000 UTC; Views: 261893; Favourites: 7762; Downloads: 651
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[Content Warning: I speak candidly and viscerally about: depression, psychosis, self harm, suicide, and other unpleasant reason I ended up in psychiatric hospital]It's November 2015. Time off. My job as an artist has taken me to to 5 different countries on 3 continents and I've organised and exhibited at over 20 shows this year. It's been wonderful and I'm ready to relax and savoir the fruits of my hard work.
But I am full of a strange pain. Not a pain from the presence of something, but from the absence of it. It feel like a part of me has left, walked out in the night. So I am no longer whole. With it, to took joy, stole hope, and ripped apart peace and tranquility. It is a cold, bitter pain it's left, of strained violin notes on scratched records.
It makes the world seems black and white. This autumns fires and golds stir nothing in me. There is a dullness where my fire once was, an ache... This hole inside me blurs the edges of the world, everything is echos, diluted and dulled. There is little nourishment in living. I do all the things I usually love to do, regardless. seeing friends, exploring, walking, drawing. But they do not fill me, sate me, like they should. They are water pouring into me, I used to have a bucket, now I have a sieve.
But I have fought this beast before.
Depression
I know the self help and the slow remedies.
Though this time it feels different. But I can't put my finger on it.
Then the faces start. The mass and scramble of leaves turn into eyes, a man with hollow features stares at me out of the shrubbery. Watching. He's there again in my curtains, looking so real I can almost feel his breath. Not just him, others too, all so interested in my life they've squeezed their way into anything, bin liners, wood grain, coffee stains, just so they can look at me. Often they make me jump, when I notice them, casually staring at me through the folds of my dressing gown. A few seconds longer and I know they are an illusion. I feel uneasy anyway. Like I'm being watched, constantly.
I carry on.
The world starts being stitched together in different places. New connections, meanings burrow into things once mundane. The universal language, mathematics, glistens to me. The random numbers of everyday life call out to me as I pass by, begging to be listened too, to be understood. They hold secrets you see, if you only listen. Numbers are code. There are messages in numbers. Sentences written in digits. They are telling me things. The universe is talking to me in numbers.
I stare as cars wizz past, loaded with numbers.
The white rabbit. It's a thing which pulls you in, beckons you to follow, irresistibly. As it jumps away down the tunnel, you're at the entrance, and it's sunny outside, and the tunnel is dark and long, but big enough for you to fit. As white fur bounds away, and you're worried you'll lose it. Follow the white rabbit. You're supposed to follow. Right? Why wouldn't you follow? Who wouldn't follow? Someone who knows the white rabbit is no good, is not real, and leads only to ruin, that's who. I didn't know.
I followed.
Numberplates! Yes, the perfect place to hide a code. Cars speed by me as I try and work out what the message is. These messages are important, they are from the universe you see, written so people can read, but only if people realise they are there, and I realsied. Clever me. If only I can decipher what it's trying to tell me... okay..okay... three plus seven, well that's obvious, but with another 3, turns the meaning, a counter-balance to the cadence - Yes! I got it! It's telling me to go to a field a mile from my house. Where, at 13, I had my first kiss. I know the next piece of this puzzle must be there.
The rabbit jumps away to the right, I follow excitedly.
I walk fast to the field. Focused on the rabbit, scared it will get away.
I'm here. Standing right in the middle of the grassy patch, flanked by trees on either side, looking desperately around for the rabbit as my breath rips out of me. I can't see it, no trail to follow, no numbers, nothing. I wait. An hour passes. Darkness creeps in bringing with it my senses. I start to feel foolish, what was I thinking would be here? Where did I think this would lead? My heart sinks with the fading winter sun. I realise this is a fools errand, and take the bus home.
More numberplates... . The rabbit hops forward, beckoning, and I wonder if it's so wise to follow, it's so cold down here. It's showing me another place to go. But I'm not too far from the entrance of the tunnel, I think. I'll wander back. Don't follow the white rabbit.
As I arrive home, and there is a piece of litter waiting for me on my front path: Chocolate 'HIT' Biscuits. Oh god. I know what this means: It's a marker. Someones put a hit on me. I know strongly in this instant there is a sniper trained on me in the house opposite. I cover my head, fling myself inside my font door and run and hide in a room where the windows don't face anything. My heart a thunder drum in my chest, pushing my blood in screams past my ears, so loud I think the sniper will hear from the other house. I hold my breath. What feels like an eternity passes before I am calm enough to rationalise, tell myself it's unlikely. Who would put a hit on me? But the litter. I know what it means. It's hours before I come out of the room. I am empty hungry and my nerves are ragged. I keep telling myself there isn't a sniper, but I avoid the windows anyway.
I carry on.
I am alone in this dark hole, wandering the tunnel complex, undirected, deeper in the warren than I realise. So many white rabbits, jumping over my feet, at every juncture. Sometimes I follow, mostly I don't. White rabbits come in every guise; some benign some sublime, some have sharp teeth. I get better at spotting them, and I try not to follow. December is the toughest month of my life so far, it's exhausting: Constantly having to pull myself back to reality. Check whats real, check what needs deep thought and what should just be ignored. Combine this with the everyday grind of low mood from depression, and life is tricky. I am functioning just well enough, Just on the right side of 'crazy'. I cut out my social interaction, so I don't act 'mad' around anyone. I know it's not 'normal', but I think the white rabbits will pass, and it's my fault anyway for following them..
A white rabbit looks at me disappointedly, as I don't follow. It hops away into the darkness. And I am alone in the dark, with only half of me left.
So, yeah, welcome to part 1 of 5 of the full, true story of my experience with mental illness over this November-March period.
Next Chapter:
Thank you everyone. Today is my Birthday, if I have a birthday wish, it's for my story to be shared.
Peace, Love and Tunnels,
Blue xx
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Comments: 569
On second thoughts if the universe starts talking to you in numbers again, pleasepleaseplease tell someone and get help.
Priorities
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haha, thanks. I understood you though
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Your art is amazing, and truly inspiring. I have been/am in the same situation, so i can relate to a lot of what you have written. The fact that you are sharing your story like this, proves how strong you must be.
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I thought I was the only one with the hidden messages thing! Thank you for sharing, I hope you feel better..
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something that keeps me from falling off the edge is my dream of creating a new world. It's a constant that can't be destroyed by doubts or fears and no matter how low I get, it is a pin hole of brilliance and hope that will always pierce my darkness. I will find a place to call my home. a place far enough away that now one can steal it or tell me that it can't be done or isn't right. I will make it myself and acquire the skills I still need to make it stand up to the weather and time. I have become unlimited as I consider every inspiration possible. I know that it is something I can do, and I know that if one wishes it can be true for you.
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Glad to hear you still have light and hope through the hard times 
The day I went into psychiatric hospital was the day I decided I wanted to run a marathon, so I kept that as something to keep me going sometimes
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That's interesting. What inspired the marathon if I may ask.
And its more than just a goal or really even a dream, it's like an endgame, the most hopeful vision of paradise that I will die to make real. And I will. Now that I've begun this journey, the day this thought became an aspiration, everything changed for me, and I truly mean everything. The world has a different slant now, you know. It's like my entire life has come into focus. I even know how and where I want to die, and to do so will answer one of my most wondrous questions. Every aspect of my life is now entirely mine to alter and design. It is one of the most enjoyable and freeing things to this dream of ultimate freedom and the designs of only a single year have filled over five sketchbooks already.
It is my every day, It fills the majority of my thoughts and has become my every days endeavor. I hope to become completely independent. To become self sufficient. One thing that feels overwhelming though is the sheer volume of things I have to do now. But if you take things one step at a time it's actually rather enjoyable.
So it's more than just a goal. This is my life, and it's mine to create.
That's the hope I want to share with everyone.
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Even if I can't say I can fully relate to your story, I still know how you must've felt. And I'm really proud of you for being as strong as you are, Blue!
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Well I'm glad you can't relate! XD But thank you for your empathy
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I really love how you did this keep up the good work.
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Oh dear...I feel sorry for you, Blue
Just please steal back your joy and purloin hope
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Thank you, I'm getting there
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This is not a depression, it is the tribute that you pay you for your creativity.
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A few years ago, I experienced something similar... it was difficult to know what was real and what isn't. I found messages on TV, on movies, on the streets, messages for my broken hearth. Sometimes when I remember things it's like going back and I don't want to, I used to have crazy ideas about people and life, that were obviously lies (now I know) but in that time I really believed them. I want to live in the real world (I wrote that on my whiteboard that time) and be happy, like you said I want to check what needs deep thought and what should just be ignored.
Thank you for sharing this, I feel somewhat connected with your story.
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It's a really scary and hard situation to be in, huh? I was not prepared for it at all, didn't know the mind could skew in that way...
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Me neither, I'm still learning about that time in my life and how my mind works, but now I'm starting to make improvements, hope to live better in the future
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The empty, somehow feel worse than lonely. Just like part of you suddenly disappear, you don't who you are anymore.
Right now, I got that empty inside me. A giant big hole, swallow part of me like black hole. Feel so terrify, so scary.
All the dreams, goals, plans...suddenly lost their meaning, can't see the future.
Worse, I can't share the problem with my family because they don't think it's a big deal, they told me that a man have to be tough.
"Life is harsh" they said, "you can't drop tear just because this." they said.
God! it's really hurt isn't it?
The process is really painful but maybe it's a chance to better knowing ourselves.
Or destroy ourselves.
Sorry for my English, I can't really express my thought by English.
But thank god I got draftee! For some people it's the worst nightmare but for me, it might be a chance to fill that godamn hole.
Otherwise I will shoot myself with a 5.56mm round XD
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I hope you find the light and innter love you deserve x
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Oh. I know I've had my share of depressed moments, but going through something like this scares me. It reminds me a bit of my childhood nightmares; Random images and sensations told in rapid-fire staccato.
I am so glad you made it through this. I don't know what I would do if I had the same thing. I hope I'd follow you example, get help, and make it through.
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Mmm, there is something quite childlike about the experience, like with children imaginings just seeming so 'real' to them, and not having a properly formed sense of what 'is' and 'isn't' yet. Those monsters under the bed came back
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And that's why we have teddy bears.
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You are my favorite artist and i am continually inspired by you every day. My art isnt very good yet but i will keep trying until one day i can create something as beautiful as the work you share with us. Thank you for sharing this beautiful art with the world!
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Aw, thank you - keep trying!
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Your artwork and messages are always stunning and real. You do fabulous work. Thank you for being so honest and bare with your feelings as it probably can be hard sometimes. It seems you're getting better and making progress. Please remember that whether it's an inch or a mile, you're further than you were before. Your story is powerful and beautiful because you're trying. You're striving. You are doing your best. And I can connect with you in the sense that I went through a period of depression as well for nearly twelve years because of being molested and hiding it. We may have struggled for different reasons, but I can understand that pain of the darkness as well as the comfort in can bring all the while causing you to feel like there's a hole inside of you that gradually grows as the days, months, and years go by. I also have seen depression from the outside from my previous girlfriend and know how it can damage someone and their everyday activities. Thank you for telling your story through your art and words because they do help others find hope and reassurance that they are not alone, just like you are not alone. Please know that there's one more person rooting for you and I will pray that you continue finding more strength and joy. Do your best every day and that's all anyone can ask of you, even if your best is choosing to get out of bed or taking that time to mentally and physically rest. You, yourself, are your best each and every day because you are wonderful. Happy belated birthday! I hope it was fantastic and that you are having a great time today. Best wishes and God Bless.
P.S. I shared this on Facebook!
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Thanks so much for your thoughtfulness and kind encouragement!
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You're very welcome!! I truly hope things get better. I also hope to keep reading your story and sending you prayers and well wishes. And I am an active volunteer and advocate in Out of the Darkness Walks to prevent suicide so I'll definitely keep being a voice for you, other survivors, those we've unfortunately lost, and those combating with depression. We can win this war and save lives.
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I am sorry you went through this. I hope your feeling better. I know you have said you are but that does not always mean the person saying it is. I love your work. This story sounds too familiar. Thank you for sharing. I had trouble since January in that all that happened and am still fighting it. Not as bad as it was just a few weeks ago but everytime I see the light somthing seems to come to punch and drag me back down. So I thank you for showing me that, while I have heard stories of the monster being beaten, I never saw it being defeated till I saw your work which shine a light of knowing. I have always seen things in shadows. I have a few friends who know who the shadows are.... I have drawn them since them. Trying to show what the creatures are. A skull, a face, a hand, eyes, twins (blue is good, red is evil). They have scared me but it wasn't till January that they became more than a nightly scare. You it happened to constantly according to the chapter..... I can only imagine. That would be horrible. I would not be able to handel it. Have a wonderful day. Now off to read and probably comment on your other chapters..... thanks again for the occasional light in the dark to show there is still hope.
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It's a little unbelievable that you seem to think you know more about me, and more about psychiatry than my personal qualified doctors...
But I'll take you at face value, and suggest that where I, and the medical world, stands, is that you should only offer someone a diagnosis if you are a trained psychiatrist, and you have personally talked to a person to understand their experience and circumstances, and, importantly, when that person asks for a diagnosis from you
Edit: I also have to point out you are actually blaming the mentally ill for their illnesses. I didn't bring this on myself somehow by working too much, or not looking after myself. My skills and knowledge surrounding my abilities and what I can and can't do, and how it affects me are very well developed. They have to be. Unlike a neurotypical person, the stakes are so much higher for me. It's not that we are not handling normal life well; it's that what we have to handle is so different from 'normal'.
As you meant to help, I just wanted to point out how unhelpful and damaging this kind of narrative can be.
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+1 from a qualified counsellor. Even I'm not allowed to diagnose people.
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My friend, I'm sorry you have gone through so much. I admire you for the strength you have getting through your bad times and I admire your ability to express yourself so well and beautifully through your artwork. You truly have a gift. I hope you're feeling much better now and I wish you the best and good health in the future!
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Isn't it ironic how your name is BunnyRush?
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I suspose. The origin of my name comes from my love of the Canadian rock band Rush and I needed something cute to go with it so it ended up being Bunny. 2112 is the name of one of their albums.
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Shared this on facebook and tumblr. I hope you are doing better, and that you had a good birthday. internet hug
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Wow.. You are amazing for getting through this, for not following those white rabbits.
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Happy belated birthday, Blue. I'm really starting to wonder if I went through something along these lines when I was thirteen. Our experiences are eerily similar. Things are better now, but sometimes I can't help but look back and wonder on what could have been.
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Thank you! Glad things have improved for you since the age of 13... hope it's been interesting to look back
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Oh yeah, it definitely has been. Thank you. The main difference between you and I was that my experiences weren't negative, not by far. You could almost consider them as imaginary friends, but a little more realistic. The lines between fantasy and reality were blurry at best, at least at that time in my life. It was that very fact and things that weren't actually there that carried me through and kept me strong until I was in an experience where suddenly, I couldn't rely on them anymore. It was a terrifying blow to take at first, but ultimately I learned how to stand on my own two feet. It broke me down and left me to build myself back up, so that's what I did. I'm by no means out of the dark yet, but I'm definitely not out of the fight either.
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I've had my share of battles with depression with it slowly eating away my mind. For some reason I see it lingering off in the distance taking the form of my favorite animal, a tiger, just waiting to pounce and dig it's fangs around my neck while it drags me further and further away from the things I love and want to partake in, but just have no energy to do. I do harm myself, but it hasn't been extreme enough to have me stuffed in a room with very little furniture and things to keep the voices and visions at bay. I am glad that you're getting better and are still around with us. I can not speak for everyone here watching you, but let me say; I love you even though I dont know you. Please continue to live and let your story flow through your art so that others may see your brilliance.
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If you truly saw repeating numbers, they are guardians' way of telling their opinions of something you were thinking at that exact moment. It's worth googling the meaning of them. I hope this will reach you.
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Stop feeding the white rabbits.
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I fight with depression and social anxiety too,and I understand how you feel.
I'm glad you feel better.I believe you're strong enough and you can recover.
You're beautiful and amazing just like your art.
Stay strong<3
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I love your art not just because it is so beautiful, but because it shows in a visual way what I feel and what so many others also feel that are suffering with you.
Thank You.
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archangelmary, I cannot agree with your comment more. DestinyBlue's art is beautiful, and this series of artwork has brought me to tears because it resonates with my life and struggles so much.
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