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DestinyBlue — (2/5) Losing Reality
#bipolar #depression #fact #health #illness #mental #mentalhealth #mentalillness #pencil #psychosis #story #truestory #psychoticdepression #traditionalart
Published: 2016-05-23 13:31:41 +0000 UTC; Views: 220555; Favourites: 6474; Downloads: 561
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Description
[Content Warning] I speak candidly about: depression, psychosis, self harm, suicide, and other unpleasant reason I ended up in psychiatric hospital. (This episode is mostly deals with psychosis)The first chapter (1/5) Psychotic Depression in brief: Depression brought with it psychosis, losing contact with reality.
~
21st of December 2015.
It does't just feel like I'm broken (I know all too well I am) it feels like the whole universe is broken. Like someone threw sand in the gears, and then a wrench, and then put all the gears in the wrong places, and then burned the whole place down.
I'm so empty yet so full, my thoughts try hard to surface, drowning, struggling for that next sweet breath.
I'm down the rabbit hole, and it's turned out to be a chasm as deep as the universe is wide. I'm lost, trapped, trying to climb up, climb out, trying to get a firm hold on my thoughts so I could move hand over hand and ascend out of this wretched place. But I just keep slipping further down.
I am sitting on my bed in my childhood room when reality snaps. I'm falling fast and suddenly, and theres nothing to grab onto. Panic. I try to look inside myself, to me, to who I am for something to ground me, for a floor, however fragile, to place some of my mind on. I find Nothing, the last few month depression and psychosis have done their best as eroding it.
Then out of the darkness creeps a thing with spider legs.
He is part of the broken universe. He has been let out, the spider-legged man, he can move through the shadows of time and space. I see him, in the corner of my room as his shadowy legs propel him into the darkness beside my wardrobe. He's here. And he wants something from me. And I know all the terrible things he can do. He smiles from the darkness.
"Lie on your back"
He instructs. His gravely voice scrapes into my mind.
"no" I think. And shake my head.
"Lie on your back" He repeats.
I don't.
He repeats and repeats, louder and louder. The roughness of his voice scratching at my soft mind. I need him to stop talking, to get out of my head. But he wants to hurt me, I know it, I can -feel- it. I know I will be at less harm if I do what he says, so I lie down. As I lie there and look at the dark crease of shadows above my wardrobe where I know he now is, he comes closer, to a shadow directly above my head. Hes teasing me. His presence is dense and dripping with hate. A black hole of hatred ontop of my cupboard, I can see his glinting eyes, and I know he is not staring at me, but through me, straight into my mind. He can read my thoughts, he speaks to me, to prove it, telling me what I'm thinking, then teases me by taking all my thoughts away, so I have nothing. Robbed of everything. He tells me I'm worthless. My eyes are fixed on the shadow above me, my heart beating so fast, I need to escape his stare, get out of this, so I scrunch my eyes closed.
Bad move.
Seared into the back of my eyelids are words. Words from the spider-legged man. Messages made for me. I tried to escape him, now he's angry. So he put the words where I couldn't help but see. Terrified, I snap open my eyes and blink but the words remain. Like light has burned them on, only hate has burned them on. I can't escape. I know I am not safe from this entity which can permeate time and space and manipulate every part of me.
I scream.
~
I'm told by my partner that he ran in to see me scratching at my eyes. I don't remember. I'm thankful I have little memory after that. The next thing my mind lets me recall is sitting on my bed in the psychiatric hospital terrified that the spider-legged man had traveled through the dark places to find me in my new, clinically bare room.
I spent 4 days in hospital and was released Christmas day.
Wish I could report it's up from here, but the next chapter is perhaps darker still...
Side note: I'm not scared of spiders.
Peace, Love and Arachnids,
Blue xx
Chapter 3:
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Comments: 255
wow, these are really intense to read and its great that you are writing these 
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Thank you, sorry to hear this is something you've experienced too, it's tough to go through, glad things are a bit better for you now
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It's filled up with a special kind of poetry, that makes the whole history looks kinda beautiful and so much more scary at the same time. I like to imaginate a film in my mind as long as I go reading, trying to recreate the feelings, and you write everything in a so rich way that the film comes naturally to me - what makes me kinda afraid of keep reading, since I know that it all is a true history.
I'm really glad you're good now. You're making a wonderful thing writing it all to us. Excited to read the part 3, 4 and 5. And afraid also haha
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Thank you, I'm really glad you enjoyed my writing. I really wanted for people to feel 'into' the story, as it was such an intense thing to experience, I wanted to express it as intensely
It does get darker, but here is a happy ending at least
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You're very talented!
It's what makes me want so much to read it all. I know the end, and know it's good :3 congratulations!!
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I'm glad that 'Alice' DestinyBlue made it through this gnarly rabbit-hole. And glad you're able to share this with your many caring fans. This kind of personal story is (as you say) basically unique reading - you paint a much more vivid picture than any news article or info-bite. Its a scary picture that, in a different way to most of your work, sheds light on how depression impacts people. Love and happy thoughts Blue.
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Well 'Alice' is actually by birth name, so it fits, heh
I noticed how few first-person accounts of mental-illness there are, especially psychosis, so I felt it important to put my experience out into the world
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This art must be difficult for you to make after everything that's happened, thank you
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I know this story is probably difficult to tell, but I do think it's brave. There is so many misconceptions about mental health from all sides from all angles. Maybe from seeing a story of someone who has gone though it and is rising from it, maybe it will encourage others to pay it forward.
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So many misconceptions, I know I had a lot before I experienced it. I totally thought I would never be susceptible to something like this.
It's really hard to talk about, but I know sharing my story can put real life experience out there, and help people understand, so I thought it worth doing
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honestly the biggest misconception is once you cross that line there is no going back. It's nice seeing a story of someone overcoming this, especially when all the stories you hear end in tragedy. Just point one foot in front of the other. You can make it.
*plays rocky Balboa theme.*
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I adore these, so full of emotion and description, they mirror what our brain can do against us, how it can manipulate us, destroy us. I love how you describe feelings in your art, we give our brains too much power. and I really hope you'll feel better. 
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...
I know all too well that feeling that the world, or at least your world, is fucked up and broken beyond comprehension. You did a very good job with your metaphor about gears... that's pretty much what it is.
I feel for you, Blue. It's an indescribably awful thing to watch yourself slip away from this world and be powerless to fight it.
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Reading it remind me of Cry of Fear. And it's not a good news. I hope your own story will not end like it.
I hope you will be able to get up and bite back those horribles hallucinations, or, tricks, your sadness is playing to you.
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Your art is beautiful, and yet your experiences sound horrifying to experience. Thank you for sharing this story, and I'll be hoping and praying that light comes your way instead of the malevolent darkness that you describe. I will be thinking of you.
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Many people I have met over the years who have experienced depression in various degrees of severity find that writing it down really does help, for one its a way to reflect on what you have gone through, to try and understand the shifts in emotions, to polarize your mind creating a sort of reference point of events from worst to best in an effort to give yourself warning if you begin to fall again and thus know what to expect. Writing something like this down for you to be able to re-read at anytime will help should you ever stumble and find yourself falling into the same hole again.
Your mind can play tricks on you but what you have written will stay true, reading it will show you that you have gone through this before, and more importantly, that you pulled yourself out. Even to those that have experienced similar events just reading someone eases experiences can have the same effect, mostly to show they are not alone.
See you con-side Alice, let the good times roll
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Thanks Adam,
I actually found writing it down to be really helpful. Even just to get a chronology on events helped me understand what I'd been through, as I didn't have much idea what was going on a lot of the time. It can feel kind of surreal reading it back, because it's so different from my 'normal' experiences and the 'real me'. But hey ho, we don't get to choose the cards we're dealt in this life, and I've got some pretty sweet cards in the shape of my friends
Hope you're ready for the con-lossus
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Nawww, well you have fun with your friend shaped cards
I have got to pick up my printing tomorrow then it's off to London! Should be good.
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Thanks for sharing your experience
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Thanks for thanking me for sharing my experience
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As a fellow person who has also suffered from psychosis, I am absolutely loving hearing your story, I feel less alone, and I hope that through sharing your story you also feel less alone... You are so brave and so amazing, I wish you the absolute best <3 Thank you so much for sharing your story!!!
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Thanks! Nice to hear from a fellow psychosis sufferer, it can make you feel so weird and disconnected, can't it?
We're never as alone as we sometimes think ourselves in this world
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of course 
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And here I have been thinking that postpartum depression with all its barbs and shadows was fun stuff. The worst are the suicidal visions, or daydreams, or whatever you choose to call them. But with reality slipping away and losing real time, to be in one place and then become aware later, somewhere else, that is real and real scary.
On top of everything, I also have a firm belief in the paranormal/spiritual. I also feel that everything happens for a reason and we can be masters of ourselves no matter what, meaning we will still fall, but we can pick ourselves back up millimeter by millimeter, inch by inch, until we are standing once again with our spines straight and an absolute knowledge that THAT. DID. HAPPEN.
Your shared thoughts and experiences give me strength. You have proven to me that hardship won't best us unless we let it. Keep pushing!!
We are all here, pulling for you, praying for you, sending out our good feelings and thoughts to you in hopes that it gives you just a little bit of strength when we are unable to do it physically.
Thank you.
We love you.
I love you.
K
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This shows an intimate side of you. It takes a lot to share this DestinyBlue .
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I'm glad you didn't damage your sight!
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My eyes were a bit sore after, but it wasn't anything serious luckily!
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Fortunately the situation lent itself to closing your eyes...
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Wow, this is so detailed about everything. You really have a way with words. A way to move people with them. A way to make a visual idea out of them. I admire this about you. Along with all of your other accomplishments, skills, and personality. You are a force to be reckon with Blue. In my eyes, you really are strong, bright, positive. You help so much and are so brave to be able to share your thoughts with people. I'm scared to. I can't. So I express it through my art and hope they don't see anything wrong with what I make. I have my page were I also suppress my art through feeling, emotion, and glow. Most of it is inspired by you. I mention you millions of times. Enough to get my friends to go and check out your page and like it. I'm not popular. Im not noticed, but I have my way of guiding others to help one another. To come together and be a part of something bigger than what we deal with every day. So that we can show just the slightest of appreciation in what you do for everyone, how you make people feel. You move us so much, you inspire us. You are important in so many people's lives just in what you do. What you have a passion for. I hope someday I can meet you. You may hear this a lot when someone says they want to be like you. And in so many ways you could answer why we wouldn't want to. What your going through for example. But I answer with something greater. No one can be like you Blue. You are unique and no one can possess the skills and knowledge you have a hold on. No one. I know you have so much fight in you. These demons that lurk in shadows, these eyes that follow you around where ever you go, the voices, the sounds. They are this blocking obstacle. I've always though of things some certain way. Those who are skilled in certain things, always have this problem or issue that just seems to hold them back. Just as some obstacle to make things harder for you since you already have it good in the things you do. I've always seen it that way. As if life gave you something and added a weight just to make it balanced, even out. But I have learned these things CAN be blocked out. I don't know how, and you may never know when. But I know it does happen. We just have to search hard enough. Look for the rainbow in the downpour. No matter how difficult it may seem. I hope you can eventually make peace with these things you are dealing with, because you deserve so much more. I appreciate you so much. For everything you do. Everything you share. It's wonderful and gives me hope. I always look forward to hearing what you have to say and what you have to show us. So thank you. Your a wonderful person in every way. I'm glad to have shared my thoughts and its wonderful hearing for you. It makes my day so much better. I know it may not seem fair how you are able to make so many people happy yet feel so gloomy yourself. But as you have said to me, every single comment counts. So I plan to make them count. And I feel that so many others are too. We all love you so much and hope that you can get better soon. We can't rush the healing process but we can always cover the wounds. <3
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How are you soo.....soo....idk how to say this other than strong. How are you soo strong? Honestly what you describe sounds like hell, it honestly does. The way you can so vividly remember something soo emotionally traumatizing and write with such eloquence I can feel the calm in your voice, how are you that strong? I could use some of that, tbh.
Your art speaks your pain, your words show your beauty. Amazing, absolutely amazing.
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Have you really seen that spider in your mind?
But keep in mind, you are okay.
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Yes, it all happened as if it were real for me. I'm okay now, but it was tough for a long time
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I feel deeply sorry that you had to go through all this, but at the same time some twisted side of me is incredibly fascinated. I don't think my own mind could ever handle such vivid and real experiences, and I can only imagine what they have done to the you today. I hope you can find strength in sharing your story, and don't get insulted by my curiosity.
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No no, I understand that a lot of people will be darkly fascinated, 'rubbernecking' at my car crash of an experience. It's okay - everyone's welcome!
I know if it didn't happen to me I would be interested to read the story. I'm deeply interested in neuroscience and human experience, so am curious about such things also
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Ah, I'm so glad c: I'm very interested in the things you listed as well, especially how simply changing the mood you're in can change your whole perspective.
Thank you for being so cool about this, and for sharing as well.
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That sound scary, I am sorry for that. Thank you for sharing this part of the story to us.
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I can't even begin to imagine what you went through. Thanks for sharing this part of your story with us.
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yes, this happens to me too often.
I've had this feeling before, like giving up.
But I held on.
And you can, too.
Don't worry. We'll always be there, even if you don't know us personally.
Don't give up, and maybe this will all fade away, like a bad dream.
<3
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