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devninja — A Memory
Published: 2005-03-21 10:42:52 +0000 UTC; Views: 217; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 6
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Description A Memory

The lake is calm and cold
A placid stillness that disturbs him
More so than any violent storm of waves.

The water is cold
A cold as sharp and cutting as shards of glass
Sharp stabs twist in his legs, the feeling departs.

The sun is setting clear
On the horizon now visible
With the passing of the storm’s fury.

He steps out of the lake
Water streaming down the leg of his pants
Collecting in a small pool on the shoreline.

He turns around to take in the lake
One last time, a sharp image
Spliced into memories he’ll never forget.
Comments: 3

namelessgoth [2005-03-21 23:29:20 +0000 UTC]

The words you used flow so well, despite their "sharpness". Very well done.

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reaumursboilingpoint [2005-03-21 16:59:51 +0000 UTC]

That certainly does create some vivid imagery. The sharpness works its way out through the words, as you've written them.
As -elly- mentioned, I think that the second or first "cold" could be replaced with a synonym to remove that repetition.
I really like how it flows.

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0o-elly-o0 [2005-03-21 11:30:05 +0000 UTC]

Generally I like the imagery created in the simplicity of the words. Short, sweet, direct. Definantly a memory. I have trouble with the second stanza, something about the repetition of the 'cold' (describing the water like this for the second time) and then not again throughout the piece. Perhaps if 'cold' was seen in later stanzas, or maybe just another word used in the first or second as a replacement.

Nice, definantly echoes the title - a well written emotion.

-Elly-

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