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diluted-e — Sandcastle
Published: 2002-04-26 00:26:43 +0000 UTC; Views: 73; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 6
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Description
I broke this palace downtook it piece by piece
felt the rocks crumbling away
as the pieces of this
my once shelter
were slowly torn apart
and the dirt blew into me
as the winds took forth to hurt
blinding mine already blind eyes
and I stood;
empty handed
unable to see the colors of the world
waiting open mouthed
crying out loud
for someone to rebuild my home
to rebuild my shelter
which I tore down with my own hands
and let me see again
the splendor of this deathly existence
yet I hear not
but the cracking of stone
as the remnants
of this castle which stood so grand
crumble into a silent oblivion
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Comments: 2
oh, I forgot to mention the title--I really like it. The talk of "rocks" and "stone" in the poem in reference to the castle, and the realization that the narrator's rocks and stone are simply sand...
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monkease
gin and ninjas
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
This poem evokes a very interesting emotion... I like. My suggestion for you is to use less determiners... "the" "this" "a" etc. It seems like most nouns in the poem have these, and they sort've just take up space.
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monkease
gin and ninjas
👍: 0 ⏩: 0