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emptyechoes — Rewriting Kari
Published: 2006-04-06 06:02:10 +0000 UTC; Views: 108; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 1
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Description
You have that look, you know.That aura
of calculated innocence.
Of plotted purity.
I knew you before
when the clock struck
darkened hours
and we lay in
tidy balls of youth.
That was before.
Before the veils and
leather,
the tattoos and spit.
Before I was hard and bitter.
But you grew soft.
You grew thin and soft and
Dare I say it
Beautiful.
Not genuine but beautiful
and sometimes I wish you could be
ugly and you
instead of beautiful
and them.
You are like some deep secret
spoken only in
hushed prophetic voice.
I want to scream you.
I want to fill your lungs and steal
your voice
so demure
and use it to say
I WAS ME ONCE!
I was genuine
And silly
I was ME.
But instead I write.
I scribble you out
And rewrite you -
the way you used to be.
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Comments: 1
Nice work!
'Innocence' and 'purity' are such overused words in *ahem* 'poetry', but by clubbing them with the right adjectives, you've not only given an intricate description of what Kari is like, you've also introduced that delicious 'read me!' feeling to the poem.
Dare I say it,
Beautiful.
Since you specified Advanced Critique, I'm taking the liberty to nitpick a little. 
Also, maybe a comma after genuine in the following line.
I noticed you've used caps for 'me'; maybe you could use it for 'you' and 'them' as well in S4.
That said, I love this. The third stanza evokes such truth of a sort of evolution in friendship. I also admire the cleverness of you trying to 'rewrite' someone.
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