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Description
It's probably pretty obvious, and it's probably not. Either way, I'm sorry for my attitude. I really am. I am a hypocrite, and I'm an ass hole. I say things I mean, I say things that I don't mean. I say things without having reason, and I say them without thinking. I make an attempt to better myself, but deep down, I know that it will never happen. I know that I am who I am. There is no use changing myself if I don't WANT to be changed. The truth is, I wasn't really in the best mental state for a long time now. I think of things that would scare and frighten people. I think of terrible, awful, things that are probably the cause of my excessive twitching. I've had a twitch for as long as I can remember, and as I grow older, it only gets worse. It doesn't bother me, it just happens.

Today, I've been on the edge of a nervous breakdown. All day. The reason? There is a reason. It involves somebody, however, I won't tell even them. I don't want to worry them. I don't want to upset them or scare them away. I'd rather just take the pain of thinking what might happen and protect them from being sad or worried. That's the last thing I want. I don't want anybody to worry about me. I have bad anxiety, I get nervous over so many things. Sometimes there isn't even a reason. A few years ago, I suddenly got so scared and upset that I fell halfway down the stairs at my school. I didn't get hurt, but, It certainly didn't help almost breaking my legs.

I don't want to hurt people, and at the same time, I do. That's where it starts getting weird. I have some weird obsession with pain, and it contributes to my insanity. I used to abuse myself. I don't even remember the real reason. It just happened. It started to get worse. I started to get addicted to the pain. I don't know why. My emotions and reasons for everything get so intense that I forget why I'm so upset over everything. So, then. There's my question. Why do I like something like that? Pain? Is it because I deserve it? Is it because I want to die? Is it because I'm addicted to it? Is it because I think the outcome... is beautiful? It's probably one of those. I don't really care anymore.

Then, there are the pictures I make. 80% of them have some type of reasoning behind them. It's my own self therapy. I have dreams sometimes where I'm a zombie, or that I'm turning into one. That's what all the green in my pictures stands for. The red represents... pain. Basically, the more messy and disgusting some of those pictures are, the more upset I probably was at that time. I don't really remember most of the reasoning behind any of them. Even if I DO remember, I feel uncomfortable talking about it.

I guess, what I'm trying to say here... is; don't revolve your life around others. Don't depend on other people to make you happy. Don't stay on the computer 24/7 and isolate yourself from life. Don't wait for others to make you happy. If you want people to help you, ASK them for help. I never did that, and look at me now. I'm just this annoying little bitch who doesn't want to be happy. I don't really know who I am. I don't really know what to do with myself. I guess that's the whole reason why I wanted to die so bad years ago.

But, then again, this probably only happens because I'm just a kid.

I am sorry for my attitude, though. I know I can help it. I just choose not too. I don't think about it. I try to, but, I just forget. All the people who put up with me, and still like me for me, then they are a saint.

Description
It's probably pretty obvious, and it's probably not. Either way, I'm sorry for my attitude. I really am. I am a hypocrite, and I'm an ass hole. I say things I mean, I say things that I don't mean. I say things without having reason, and I say them without thinking. I make an attempt to better myself, but deep down, I know that it will never happen. I know that I am who I am. There is no use changing myself if I don't WANT to be changed. The truth is, I wasn't really in the best mental state for a long time now. I think of things that would scare and frighten people. I think of terrible, awful, things that are probably the cause of my excessive twitching. I've had a twitch for as long as I can remember, and as I grow older, it only gets worse. It doesn't bother me, it just happens.

Today, I've been on the edge of a nervous breakdown. All day. The reason? There is a reason. It involves somebody, however, I won't tell even them. I don't want to worry them. I don't want to upset them or scare them away. I'd rather just take the pain of thinking what might happen and protect them from being sad or worried. That's the last thing I want. I don't want anybody to worry about me. I have bad anxiety, I get nervous over so many things. Sometimes there isn't even a reason. A few years ago, I suddenly got so scared and upset that I fell halfway down the stairs at my school. I didn't get hurt, but, It certainly didn't help almost breaking my legs.

I don't want to hurt people, and at the same time, I do. That's where it starts getting weird. I have some weird obsession with pain, and it contributes to my insanity. I used to abuse myself. I don't even remember the real reason. It just happened. It started to get worse. I started to get addicted to the pain. I don't know why. My emotions and reasons for everything get so intense that I forget why I'm so upset over everything. So, then. There's my question. Why do I like something like that? Pain? Is it because I deserve it? Is it because I want to die? Is it because I'm addicted to it? Is it because I think the outcome... is beautiful? It's probably one of those. I don't really care anymore.

Then, there are the pictures I make. 80% of them have some type of reasoning behind them. It's my own self therapy. I have dreams sometimes where I'm a zombie, or that I'm turning into one. That's what all the green in my pictures stands for. The red represents... pain. Basically, the more messy and disgusting some of those pictures are, the more upset I probably was at that time. I don't really remember most of the reasoning behind any of them. Even if I DO remember, I feel uncomfortable talking about it.

I guess, what I'm trying to say here... is; don't revolve your life around others. Don't depend on other people to make you happy. Don't stay on the computer 24/7 and isolate yourself from life. Don't wait for others to make you happy. If you want people to help you, ASK them for help. I never did that, and look at me now. I'm just this annoying little bitch who doesn't want to be happy. I don't really know who I am. I don't really know what to do with myself. I guess that's the whole reason why I wanted to die so bad years ago.

But, then again, this probably only happens because I'm just a kid.

I am sorry for my attitude, though. I know I can help it. I just choose not too. I don't think about it. I try to, but, I just forget. All the people who put up with me, and still like me for me, then they are a saint.