HOME | DD

Description
I held my quiet little brother in my arms, bouncing him around a little as we left the gym to make him laugh. I love seeing him smile. The sweat from the game had dried in the cool fall air and I felt myself beginning to shiver instead. During the game, Mandy and Nico had met somewhere in the bleachers. He figured she was a friend of mine when he saw her holding Joel. Now Mandy walked beside me to my right, facing Joel, and Nico hovered around my left, solemn and quiet and emotionless. Which means he either was really apathetic about the situation or he was upset about something. But who can tell? “Did Mandy give you the chocolate?” I asked as I wiped away the thick evidence slathered all over his face. His eruption of giggles gave him away, and I turned to Mandy with a playfully accusing look. “Well now I know never to let you babysit him again.”

“You can’t separate us!” she exclaimed, taking Joel from my arms and skipping out of reach. “We were meant to be together!” He laughs and tries to escape her shower of kisses, squealing that he’d rather stay with me (“Son”) if he had to choose. And then he stops laughing and looks very sadly into Mandy’s eyes and whispers that he didn’t like saying what he just did and that he loves her a lot.

It’s times like these when I realize how angelic my brother is.

When we reached Mandy’s house, she handed me Joel and kissed my cheek in the process. We do it sometimes when we say goodbye. And then she was inside and it was just me and Joel and Nico walking by ourselves down a not-so-crowded street towards the apartment. Joel was falling asleep on my shoulder. I could feel his warm, constant heartbeat throbbing into my neck.

“You were amazing today,” Nico’s low, calm voice breaks through the quiet. “I don’t know too much about basketball, but even I can tell that your defense is crazy good. Nobody made their layups with you as center.” Silence. “...Not to say that your offense was any less good. You made at least a third of the total shots. You’re not afraid of attack, which is cool.”

I sighed and hefted Joel higher on my shoulder, feeling the craving for smoke in my lungs envelope my brain, fogging my thoughts. Everyone’s always going on about how great I am in basketball or in music or in anything that isn’t fair because I have a “divine advantage”. I hate that. Like the only thing that’s good about me is what I can’t help. “I suck at putting the plays into effect,” I said. “I was messing them up, not in the right place at the right time. I need to work on stronger shots. I could have better stamina. I also can’t whistle or paint to save my life, or focus on anything for more than a few seconds, or learn a new language although I’ve been trying since the third grade-“

I just stopped talking. The frustration in my voice hung in the atmosphere as we walked. Then I felt bad about rambling just because I needed to let off steam. I can usually contain it and get it out without inconveniencing anyone else, through running or playing music or working or writing or practicing fighting or something besides taking up someone’s time. But with Nico things just get out of control.

“...I don’t think I went about hitting on you the right way.”

I picked up a sleepy Joel all wrapped up in his favourite blanket and carried him through the tiny living room to our small porch, one level from the ground. He woke up just enough to hug me around my neck and observe where we were headed. Once I had shut the glass door and sat with my legs hanging through the railings, he began to yawn and ask me questions, as he did every night. “Just tiring,” I answered in response to the common “How was work?” question. “No towers of cans fell on me tonight.” This caused him to giggle sleepily as he recalled the time I broke my leg at work. “Look what I was able to get for you.” I pulled a small twizzler still in the wrapper from my sweatshirt pocket. His tired eyes widened slightly when they saw his favourite candy. I tore open the top of the wrapper and broke off a small piece for him. “You can finish the rest tomorrow, don’t worry.”

“Where is Nico?”

Goosebumps formed over my skin from the cold. I made sure the blanket was tight around his shoulders as I answered slowly. “You fell asleep on the way back from the game. He had to go home.”

“I like Nico.”

“...He’s a likeable guy.”

“Do you like Nico?”

I didn’t trust my own mouth to say what I was thinking. I rocked Joel back and forth, holding him with one hand against my chest. The sounds of Garrett moving paperwork around inside could be heard as gentle waves of rustling. The TV popped on, some news lady giving a report of a murder through layers of static.

Hitting on you...

I didn’t want to confront it, because it would just cause a problem. But I’d have to answer to those butterflies in my stomach sometime. I was hoping it wouldn’t be so soon.

I never keep anything from Joel. Maybe from myself. But never from him.

So I lifted us off the cold stone and stepped through the glass door, giving Garrett a small wave as we passed into the bedroom Joel and I shared. I placed him in the bed, pulling up the covers as high as they would reach without covering him completely. I turned off the lights, knowing that it would be some time before I went to bed with all the schoolwork to do.

Before I left the room, I leaned over my brother, whispering into his ear. “Can you keep a secret?”

He breathed in heavily, sleepy breath covering my face and eyes moving beneath lids, envisioning dreams I wish I still had.

“I think so.”