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We lied together just like we had all of those other nights. His arms felt so warm around me that I could barely think about anything but him. His lips moved so he could tell me everything I’ve been waiting to hear, but I wasn’t listening. I lost myself in the color of his eyes, and seeing myself within them. The moment felt like something right out of a movie I would never want to go and see.

I shifted my bodice to rest on my back and exhaled feeling every thought in me lift through my skin and wither away. I closed my eyes and laughed quietly, so content with my goals coming true. I would finally be happy. He would return to hold me, again. We would lie together as if nothing in the world mattered except he for me, and I for him. My life would be complete.

He lifted himself from the bed and locked our eyes together as he started putting his clothing on. I started noticing changes in him that hadn’t been there three months ago. His shoulders were scratched unlike anything I’d ever seen before. He’d grown taller and his attire had grown milder unlike how he covered himself in black and spikes. I didn’t know how to take the alterations but I didn’t dwell in them too long. He was back hovering above me before I could even see him put his shirt back on.

His kisses were short but warm, as if he hadn’t kissed in so long that he didn’t want to spoil me with attacks. His hands were much more gentle than they used to be, as they brushed against my shoulders and ran through my hair. He acted almost buzzed; intoxicated with the happiness oozing through each pore on my body. Tears spoke so little, but they didn’t cease their mission to soak my face. He ignored their feel and lied me down again, as if to drain them out of me.

He lifted himself after a moment and grinned as though he’d robbed me of something and urged me to beg for it back. His stare scared me but I thought nothing of it since he quickly rose again and reached beside the bed for his shoes. I positioned myself on my side and watched lovingly as he rose once more.

“You’re leaving so soon?”

“Sarah’s waiting for me. I think I’m already an hour late.”

“Who?”

“My girlfriend.”

And there they were again. The pounds of issues in my life poking themselves back into me as if they were tiny needles edging their way to my veins. For a second, my vision blurred and I shook my head wondering if all of this had been a dream. If I were stuck in some odd delusion of happiness quickly being taken away by someone I didn’t even know. Or someone I didn’t know anymore.

“Your girlfriend?”

“Why are you acting so surprised?”

Then you didn’t mean the things you said to me last night? You didn’t mean the whispers that sung me into my sleep? Is this happening? Of course not. He would never hurt me that way. Any minute now I would blink and find myself lying in bed fully embraced by my pajamas and alone in my room. I would not have seen him the night before. I would not have felt his lips caressing all the wounds. It would just be me and my misery again, the misery I had grown accustomed to. The misery so unlike what he was about to inflict upon me.

But you were gone before you could explain what I’ve already known. I wasn’t something to be made official. You’re not the first, and I do not blame you. There is nothing about me that a man would want to hold or love. I’m only there to satisfy your needs. I’m there when you’re girlfriend is gone for the week or when your wife is too preoccupied with her work. That’s what I’ve always been, and I’ve known it deep inside. I never mean anything to anyone.

But you did say you loved me. Why would you lie to me if you were to take it back the next morning? Was it that our friendship was to guarantee this type of contract? I love you and therefore you can come to me whenever you need to be comforted? I grew confused the more I thought. I grew depressed the more I grew confused. It all came back the same realization.

I am not good enough for anyone.

(c) Sylwia Wielgosz.