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fragilemacabre β untitled -open mic poem-
Published: 2006-12-07 01:49:50 +0000 UTC; Views: 96; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 3
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Description
the rainforest is in the jungle-vinesof your indomitable hair, and
sunlight is in the gleam
of your smiling teeth in the dark.
there is the smooth warm desert:
the skin stretched over your collarbone;
a valley dips low between
your wide sharp hip bones.
thickets of hair like new grass
grow on your legs;
earth gathers on the jagged
remains of bitten fingernails.
water fills your eyes
when you forgo comprehension--
you are my world, i tell you.
and in this world i am goddess,
gatekeeper, servant and served.
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Comments: 3
The Terrain of You
Or something to that effect maybe?
Either way very well done ^_^
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I think the first stanza is excellent, the imagery in particular. I don't like the second one nearly as much, not only because it's more clichΓ©d and less descriptive, but it's like you've already said just about everything and then you try to make a conclusion and it just doesn't work the way it should. The ending feels too abrupt. Just one or two more lines might have helped immensely.
What about removing the first two instances of "in"? I feel like the piece would flow better that way. And I'd like to use some other word instead of "bitten". "Gnawed" or perhaps something entirely different.
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