HOME | DD

Description
body div#devskin1497972 .journalbox { background:#ded1c2; background-position:top left; border-width:0px; border-color:#d8d0d0; color:transparent; font-size:0.95em; border-top:3px solid #f3e9dd; } body div#devskin1497972 .boxtop { background-position:top; background-image:width:700px; _width:700px; background-color:#ded1c2; background:url(https://fc02.deviantart.net/fs70/o/2011/045/4/3/197402086_174887_122728386_68427_coeur.png) no-repeat; color:#111111; font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size:0.98em; letter-spacing:0.1em; text-align:left; padding:450px 0px 40px 50px; _padding:450px 0px 40px 50px; } body div#devskin1497972 .boxtop span { letter-spacing:0.1em; font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; } body div#devskin1497972 .boxtop img { display:none; } body div#devskin1497972 .boxtop h2 { color:#111111; text-align:left; font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size:1.40em; margin-bottom:2px; _margin-bottom:2px; } body div#devskin1497972 .navi .List .Button { color:#656363; background-color:#111111; border-top:1px solid #840e0b; border-bottom:1px solid #840e0b; border-left:3px solid #ad200f; border-right:3px solid #ad200f; margin-left:2px; _margin-left:2px; margin-right:2px; _margin-right:4px; margin-bottom:2px; _margin-bottom:4px; padding-left:2px; _padding-left:40px; position:relative; max-width:600px; left:-5px; _left:-5px; top:-310px; _top:-310px; width:100px; _width:100px; padding:0px 0px 0px 5px; _padding:0px 0px 0px 5px; text-decoration:none; } body div#devskin1497972 .navi .List .Button:hover { color:#d51f09; background:url(https://fc02.deviantart.net/fs70/o/2011/045/4/3/197402086_174887_122728386_68427_coeur.png) no-repeat; background:#530703; border-top:1px solid #840e0b; border-bottom:1px solid #840e0b; border-left:3px solid #ad200f; border-right:3px solid #ad200f; } body div#devskin1497972 .journalbox .list { display:none; } body div#devskin1497972 .journalbox .journaltext .title { margin:2px 2px 2px 2px; background-image:url(https://fc06.deviantart.net/fs71/o/2011/045/c/5/197402086_174888_122728386_68428_title.png); background-position:top left; background-repeat:no-repeat; background-position:top left; text-align:justify; padding:8px 12px 10px 35px; display:block; color:#a72203; font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size:20px; font-weight:bold; text-align:left; } body div#devskin1497972 .journalbox .journaltext { color:#111111; padding:50px 5px 5px 5px; _padding:5px 5px 5px 5px; margin:-180px 50px 50px 50px; _margin:-180px 50px 50px 50px; display:block; max-width:700px; } body div#devskin1497972 .journalbox .journaltext .txt { background-color:#ded1c2; font-size:12px; font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; display:block; padding:-100px 10px 10px 10px; _padding:10px 10px 10px 10px; } body div#devskin1497972 .journalbox .journaltext .txt a { text-decoration:none; border-bottom:#656363; } body div#devskin1497972 .journalbox .journaltext a { color:#656363; text-decoration:none; } body div#devskin1497972 .journalbox .journaltext a:hover { color:#d51f09; text-decoration:none; } body div#devskin1497972 u { text-decoration:none; color:#874b52; cursor:default; position:relative; } body div#devskin1497972 u .shadow-holder { display:none; position:absolute; bottom:50%; right:50%; } body div#devskin1497972 u:hover .shadow-holder { display:block; } body div#devskin1497972 u:hover { color:#6a0000; } body div#devskin1497972 .table br { display:none; } body div#devskin1497972 .table { display:table; margin:0 auto; _margin:0 auto; border-collapse:separate; border-spacing:5px; } body div#devskin1497972 .table i { display:table-row; } body div#devskin1497972 .table img { height:90%; width:90%; _width:auto; _height:auto; } body div#devskin1497972 .table .shadow-holder { background:#111111; border-left:1px solid #111111; border-right:1px solid #111111; border-bottom:3px solid #ad200f; border-top:3px solid #ad200f; display:table-cell!important; max-width:160px; max-height:160px; vertical-align:middle!important; text-align:center; margin:0; padding:2px; } body div#devskin1497972 .table .shadow-holder:hover { border-left:1px solid #840e0b; border-right:1px solid #840e0b; border-bottom:3px solid #ad200f; border-top:3px solid #ad200f; background:#530703 url(https://fc01.deviantart.net/fs70/o/2011/045/6/8/197402086_174889_122728386_68429_thumbs.png) repeat-x; } body div#devskin1497972 table .shadow { display:inline!important; background:none!important; padding:0!important; margin:0!important; } body div#devskin1497972 .table a { display:table-cell!important; text-align:center; vertical-align:middle; padding:0!important; margin:0!important; } body div#devskin1497972 .scroll { height:200px; overflow:auto; } body div#devskin1497972 .commentslink { color:#656363; left:30px; bottom:10px; position:absolute; text-decoration:none; } body div#devskin1497972 .prevlink { color:#656363; right:30px; bottom:10px; position:absolute; text-decoration:none; } body div#devskin1497972 .journalbottom { font-size:11px; background:#ded1c2; border-bottom:3px solid #f3e9dd; } body div#devskin1497972 .journalbottom a { padding:1px; color:#656363; text-decoration:none; } body div#devskin1497972 .journalbottom a:hover { color:#d51f09; text-decoration:none; } body div#devskin1497972 .journalbox.ul { display:none; } body div#devskin1497972 .journalbox ul li { display:none; }

Gallery
Journal
Note me

Last Christmas was difficult, but I do not feel the same sense of heavy this year.

Instead of the constant pressure of loss, I miss him most in moments.

When my son earned his orange belt in Tang Soo Do (little-known fact: Bill was a second degree black belt in Tang Soo Do), I had a moment when I couldn't breathe. When Sasha (my labrador who adored him) passed away, and I had to bury her in the backyard behind the old shed, the loneliness struck me.

Brody ("Tim") and I don't talk often (our lives have always been on different tracks), but his breath comes a little easier now. He threw himself into work after Bill died, emerging only out of necessity; lately, he's been venturing out and heading to town to meet with friends. I think it's good for him.

Bill never would have wanted us to stay still.

And so this holiday is one of motion: not of moving on, but moving forward. It's love that lets you do that. Some people think it's love that keeps you holding on and hanging back, but it's not. It's love that moves you forward.

Some words:
To us crazy Catholics, Christmas is the time when we symbolically celebrate the birth of Jesus of Nazareth--Jesus Christ, the Messiah, our Savior, the Son of God. This is nothing new to most of you. The birth of Jesus, much like his death, is about hope. It's about love and charity. It's represented by Nativity scenes, brightly wrapped presents, evergreen trees, obnoxious lights--all with [their] own symbolism and meaning. It comes with its own traditions, one of mine being why we began our evening--our La Vigilia--with the Feast of the Seven Fishes.

But Christmas is not always a joyous time, no matter how much we'd like it to be. Sometimes it represents the very worst of man--the very core of despair. The calendar does not abide symbolism, and no amount of shiny lights or well-thought gifts can erase years of loneliness, bitterness, neglect, and sorrow. Unless you're Scrooge, of course. And yes, Catholics gain something at Christmas--something as precious as a new life--but to a child or an adult who has lost so much, the birth of Christ can often seem an inadequate substitute.

This is why Christmas has always been difficult for me. No matter how strong my faith three hundred and sixty four and a quarter days of the year, Christmas has always been a struggle. It seemed, for so long, that too much had gone wrong--I'd lost too much, suffered too much, seen too much--to be able to allow one symbolic celebration of some kid's birth to bring me the hope, and the peace, that was promised. I have been a self-professed Christmas hater. I have carried the burden of bad years on my shoulders and dumped them under my dimly-lit plastic trees, losing myself in cooking to avoid thinking about just how miserable this one holiday--Holy day--made me feel.

And then came Mr. Collins. And a stroke or two, a seizure, and a few months in the hospital--but who's counting? I woke up one day, quite literally, with a renewed sense of life and a better understanding of love. Love is not about compromise or change--that is what a relationship is about. Love is not about conditions or rules. Earlier we heard from the Corinthians, and I'd hate to have you sit through it again, but understand these words: "Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres." Always. And I realized, upon waking, that celebrating Christ's birth is not a day to delight in evil. It is not a day to relive the wrongs done to me. It is a day to remember that love never fails.

December 25, 2009

Merry Christmas, dA.

Love,

Nic