goatstack [2005-11-15 13:32:17 +0000 UTC]

Its all in the wrist, or in this case twist - "And as a spindle turns clockwise down a turn pike a left over lasagna is vanashing right before the eyes of a hungry voyuer by none other than a fat man down the street."

See? the twist - Its what makes or breaks a so-so yo-yo.

Ok I'm done rambling.

I think.

Hamsters are cute.

Ok now I'm done.

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chr [2005-11-14 21:11:51 +0000 UTC]

And it's just a coincidence ye can use cough syrup to make crack, eh?

'Tis great how ye used the first line of each stanza to create uniformity, especially since, as the piece progresses, it begins feeling more chaotic and confused. Lovely work on conveying the sense of confusion, btw; it's very involving how the story seems to break up and spread out seemingly off subject only to be thrust back in the final stanza. Ye created a sort of crushing reality effect; very dramatic. In line six, "lurve" warps the flow a bit. I'm not sure whether that was intentional or not, but it distracted me a bit and I had to reread the first two stanzas several times to sort of jump it. Besides that, though, wonderful work; 'tis very amusing. Also, 'tis incredibly affective how ye used capitalization, or a lack there of, for emphasis, particularly in the final stanza.

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