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Chapter 48: Storytime with Soos part 1
"Hello, my name is Mr. Mystery." Soos was inside the Mystery Shack as he sat on a chair with small kids circling around him. "Since that creepy puppet kid got kicked out of the library, it is now up to me to tell you little dudes awesome stories with life lessons like how to open a jar."
All the kids cheered as Soos picked up a book of fairies tales.
"Today I'm going to tell you all my version oooooooooof"
'Little Red Riding Hood'
"For all the stories I tell ya, it will be rewritten by me with no profit involved, because the original stories are kind of messed up, dude." The kids gave him an odd look as Soos opened the book.
"It all started in the middle of the woods, where these is no electricity which also means no videogames."
(You see that single house there? That's where our story starts. I mean I don't know why someone would just move far out in the middle of the woods. There're bears, and probably no toilet. I would hate to live there. Oh, forgot to say this. I have my friends as the characters. That way I can avoid copyright, right?)
(So in the kitchen, my awesome girlfriend Melody is setting up a basket, probably with something good inside.)
"Oh Little Red?" Melody called out. "Can you deliver a basket of goodies to your Abuelita?"
(And in came our main character, Little Red Riding Dipper.)
"Wait, what?!" Dipper looked at the dress he's wearing. "Why am I the girl? I'm a guy!"
(Sorry, thought this was more creative, dude.)
"What do you mean more creative? Mabel should be doing this."
"Not this time, Dipper." Then Mabel poked her head out of the basket. "Because I'm playing as the treats!"
"Soos, I want to talk with my agent."
(No time, we have a story to tell.)
(Melody handed Little Red Riding Dipper the basket with Mabel inside, and the boy in the red hood tipped over from the basket's weight.)
"Couldn't you at least make Mabel lighter?"
(But then she'll starve. That is not cool, Dipper.)
(Dipper used all his strength to lift Mabel up and take her out of the house, and then stopped for a rest.)
"I seriously cannot do this all the way through the woods. Wait, why does Grandma live alone over there anyway?"
(I got nothin'. I didn't write the actual story.)
(So after a long trip through the woods, Dipper passed out from exhaustion.)
"Guess I'll be sitting here then, getting really stale." Mabel looked at her passed out brother and poked him with a stick. "Will he be alright? I'm worried."
(Don't sweat it, Mabel. This isn't canon, so be as out of character as possible.)
"Yaaaaay!"
(But not too much. People will just think you're being mean.)
"I think I'm already doing that." Mabel continued to poke Dipper.
(While our goodie basket tries to wake Red up, from the edge of the path came the Big Bad Wolf himself, Gideon in wolf pajamas …. You know, with Mabel being the snacks, this will just make it far more creepy.)
"Wait, what are you all sayin'?" Gideon was then picked up by a computer arrow and was dragged over a large trashcan. "Hey, you can't do this to me! I'll destroy you all!" Gideon was dropped in the trash.
(Well that's taken care of. I might as well replace him with Bill. I'll get more views with him.)
Bill suddenly materialized as he laughed maniacally. "Well well well, what brings you here, Shooting Star?" Bill floated from the trees as he swings his cane around.
Mabel kept her mouth shut as she pointed to herself and to Dipper.
(Right, Mabel shoudn't be addressed as a person here. Wait, oh no! Now she'll be the target of internet hate! I gotta give your lines! Wait a minute, she already talked before. Huh, storytelling is more complicating than I thought.)
(Hey look, Dipper is slowly getting up as Bill Cipher's shadow cast over him.)
Bill Cipher tipped his hat to the boy. "Good morning, Pine Tree! I have an amazing offer for just a mere price of-"
"Just give me super human strength and I'll tell you where Grandma is."
(Gasp, Dipper. How could you!? You were supposed to be persuaded by this dangerous stranger so these kids can learn that talking to strangers is a big N.O.)
"Well it doesn't matter with me. I'm not even the real Dipper Pines. I'm just a thought created from your mind with collected memories to make a personification of the real Dipper." Dipper raised his hair. "Heck, you forgot my birthmark."
(Sheesh, I hope the twins get cellphones soon. I'm forgetting their characters. Wait, does Mabel still like unicorns?)
Bill Cipher tightened his bow and straightened his hat. "Let's get this deal over with. Which will be that I'll give you super human strength to get to Grandma's house while you tell me where that is."
"It's literally the only house on the end of this path." Dipper pointed down the road. "I mean literally the only other house there. One road with a house on each end. We got this place real cheap."
(And this is why you shouldn't shake blue flaming hands with strangers kids, like what my dog Dipper is doing. Well he said it himself, he's not the real deal … Is it summer yet?)
(After shaking Bill's hand, Dipper received a buff body as he carried his sister in the basket all the way to Grandma's house.)
"Well, time to eat a confused old lady." Bill floated at the speed of light all the way to grandmother's house.
(With a knock on the door, Bill was greeted by literally the greastest grandma on Earth, Abuelita.)
"Oh, he-" Bill grabbed Abuelita and Bill ate her through his eyeball.
(Don't worry, she's fine. Not gonna let my Abuelita have a bad ending. Oops, sorry for the spoilers.)
(With a snap of his fingers, Bill transformed his wears into that of Abuelita. Hearing Dipper's large footsteps getting close, Bill rushed into bed and acted sick)
"I have human weaknesses."
Dipper punched the door open and summersaulted to Abuelita's bed with Mabel in hand. "Here's your gift, Abuelita, or should I say Bill Cipher!"
(Wait, you're supposed to do that 'My Grandma, big dot dot dot' scene.)
(But's it's super obvious the grandmother was replaced by a wolf. Heck, this is just too easy.)
"He's right you know." Bill said. "Also the deal only lasted until you got her."
"Darn it!"
(Settle down, you two. I'm the story teller around these parts.)
Dipper sighed. "My Abuelita, what big triangle shaped body you have?"
"All the better to fill it up with human remains, my enemy."
"My Abuelita, what big hat you have?"
"It leads to the dimension of depressed baby monkeys!"
"My Abuelita, what big, single eye you have there."
(Bill then threw the covers off him and grew freakishly huge.)
"All the better to spy on all dimensions and plot my domain which will free all worlds from the laws of physics! Also I'm eating you."
(All seems lost for Dipper, but then our random hero came in, Manly Dan. He yelled like a lot and punched Bill in the eye. This caused the Dream Demon to spit out Abuelita and hundreds and hundreds of potato chips.)
"Curses, foiled again."
(Bill sat there defeated as everyone else enjoyed eating the potato chips, well except for Manly Dan. Apparently he had no idea what was going on and just punched Bill because he was angry that his favorite band turned out to be clones or something.)
The End
"Huh? Huh? Huuuuh?" Soos looked to the kids for their comments and likes, but they all sat their quietly, really unsure what to say. "Being shy, huh. Well tune in next week or something when I have my next story ready. Or when I feel like it. Heck, I might just write something else and forget all about this."
"Mommy?" A small boy looked at his mother farther back. "What happened to puppet boy?"
"Psychology, son. Psychology."
End of Chapter
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Description
body div#devskin0 hr { }

Chapter 48: Storytime with Soos part 1
"Hello, my name is Mr. Mystery." Soos was inside the Mystery Shack as he sat on a chair with small kids circling around him. "Since that creepy puppet kid got kicked out of the library, it is now up to me to tell you little dudes awesome stories with life lessons like how to open a jar."
All the kids cheered as Soos picked up a book of fairies tales.
"Today I'm going to tell you all my version oooooooooof"
'Little Red Riding Hood'
"For all the stories I tell ya, it will be rewritten by me with no profit involved, because the original stories are kind of messed up, dude." The kids gave him an odd look as Soos opened the book.
"It all started in the middle of the woods, where these is no electricity which also means no videogames."
(You see that single house there? That's where our story starts. I mean I don't know why someone would just move far out in the middle of the woods. There're bears, and probably no toilet. I would hate to live there. Oh, forgot to say this. I have my friends as the characters. That way I can avoid copyright, right?)
(So in the kitchen, my awesome girlfriend Melody is setting up a basket, probably with something good inside.)
"Oh Little Red?" Melody called out. "Can you deliver a basket of goodies to your Abuelita?"
(And in came our main character, Little Red Riding Dipper.)
"Wait, what?!" Dipper looked at the dress he's wearing. "Why am I the girl? I'm a guy!"
(Sorry, thought this was more creative, dude.)
"What do you mean more creative? Mabel should be doing this."
"Not this time, Dipper." Then Mabel poked her head out of the basket. "Because I'm playing as the treats!"
"Soos, I want to talk with my agent."
(No time, we have a story to tell.)
(Melody handed Little Red Riding Dipper the basket with Mabel inside, and the boy in the red hood tipped over from the basket's weight.)
"Couldn't you at least make Mabel lighter?"
(But then she'll starve. That is not cool, Dipper.)
(Dipper used all his strength to lift Mabel up and take her out of the house, and then stopped for a rest.)
"I seriously cannot do this all the way through the woods. Wait, why does Grandma live alone over there anyway?"
(I got nothin'. I didn't write the actual story.)
(So after a long trip through the woods, Dipper passed out from exhaustion.)
"Guess I'll be sitting here then, getting really stale." Mabel looked at her passed out brother and poked him with a stick. "Will he be alright? I'm worried."
(Don't sweat it, Mabel. This isn't canon, so be as out of character as possible.)
"Yaaaaay!"
(But not too much. People will just think you're being mean.)
"I think I'm already doing that." Mabel continued to poke Dipper.
(While our goodie basket tries to wake Red up, from the edge of the path came the Big Bad Wolf himself, Gideon in wolf pajamas …. You know, with Mabel being the snacks, this will just make it far more creepy.)
"Wait, what are you all sayin'?" Gideon was then picked up by a computer arrow and was dragged over a large trashcan. "Hey, you can't do this to me! I'll destroy you all!" Gideon was dropped in the trash.
(Well that's taken care of. I might as well replace him with Bill. I'll get more views with him.)
Bill suddenly materialized as he laughed maniacally. "Well well well, what brings you here, Shooting Star?" Bill floated from the trees as he swings his cane around.
Mabel kept her mouth shut as she pointed to herself and to Dipper.
(Right, Mabel shoudn't be addressed as a person here. Wait, oh no! Now she'll be the target of internet hate! I gotta give your lines! Wait a minute, she already talked before. Huh, storytelling is more complicating than I thought.)
(Hey look, Dipper is slowly getting up as Bill Cipher's shadow cast over him.)
Bill Cipher tipped his hat to the boy. "Good morning, Pine Tree! I have an amazing offer for just a mere price of-"
"Just give me super human strength and I'll tell you where Grandma is."
(Gasp, Dipper. How could you!? You were supposed to be persuaded by this dangerous stranger so these kids can learn that talking to strangers is a big N.O.)
"Well it doesn't matter with me. I'm not even the real Dipper Pines. I'm just a thought created from your mind with collected memories to make a personification of the real Dipper." Dipper raised his hair. "Heck, you forgot my birthmark."
(Sheesh, I hope the twins get cellphones soon. I'm forgetting their characters. Wait, does Mabel still like unicorns?)
Bill Cipher tightened his bow and straightened his hat. "Let's get this deal over with. Which will be that I'll give you super human strength to get to Grandma's house while you tell me where that is."
"It's literally the only house on the end of this path." Dipper pointed down the road. "I mean literally the only other house there. One road with a house on each end. We got this place real cheap."
(And this is why you shouldn't shake blue flaming hands with strangers kids, like what my dog Dipper is doing. Well he said it himself, he's not the real deal … Is it summer yet?)
(After shaking Bill's hand, Dipper received a buff body as he carried his sister in the basket all the way to Grandma's house.)
"Well, time to eat a confused old lady." Bill floated at the speed of light all the way to grandmother's house.
(With a knock on the door, Bill was greeted by literally the greastest grandma on Earth, Abuelita.)
"Oh, he-" Bill grabbed Abuelita and Bill ate her through his eyeball.
(Don't worry, she's fine. Not gonna let my Abuelita have a bad ending. Oops, sorry for the spoilers.)
(With a snap of his fingers, Bill transformed his wears into that of Abuelita. Hearing Dipper's large footsteps getting close, Bill rushed into bed and acted sick)
"I have human weaknesses."
Dipper punched the door open and summersaulted to Abuelita's bed with Mabel in hand. "Here's your gift, Abuelita, or should I say Bill Cipher!"
(Wait, you're supposed to do that 'My Grandma, big dot dot dot' scene.)
(But's it's super obvious the grandmother was replaced by a wolf. Heck, this is just too easy.)
"He's right you know." Bill said. "Also the deal only lasted until you got her."
"Darn it!"
(Settle down, you two. I'm the story teller around these parts.)
Dipper sighed. "My Abuelita, what big triangle shaped body you have?"
"All the better to fill it up with human remains, my enemy."
"My Abuelita, what big hat you have?"
"It leads to the dimension of depressed baby monkeys!"
"My Abuelita, what big, single eye you have there."
(Bill then threw the covers off him and grew freakishly huge.)
"All the better to spy on all dimensions and plot my domain which will free all worlds from the laws of physics! Also I'm eating you."
(All seems lost for Dipper, but then our random hero came in, Manly Dan. He yelled like a lot and punched Bill in the eye. This caused the Dream Demon to spit out Abuelita and hundreds and hundreds of potato chips.)
"Curses, foiled again."
(Bill sat there defeated as everyone else enjoyed eating the potato chips, well except for Manly Dan. Apparently he had no idea what was going on and just punched Bill because he was angry that his favorite band turned out to be clones or something.)
The End
"Huh? Huh? Huuuuh?" Soos looked to the kids for their comments and likes, but they all sat their quietly, really unsure what to say. "Being shy, huh. Well tune in next week or something when I have my next story ready. Or when I feel like it. Heck, I might just write something else and forget all about this."
"Mommy?" A small boy looked at his mother farther back. "What happened to puppet boy?"
"Psychology, son. Psychology."
End of Chapter
Dxyb obpfpqba qeb mpvzelildfpq xka pqxoqba efp ltk jlsbjbkq ql prmmloq erjxkp fk ilsb tfqe mrmmbqp. Pxaiv eb fp xka tfii objxfk ql yb qeb lkiv jbjybo.