HOME | DD

Description
For the longest time, I feared being alone. There has never been anything more all-consuming than that fear. It would consume me in the middle of the night, leaving my heart racing and my eyes wet with tears.

Year after year, guys would come in and out of my life, and there presence would merely touch my radar. A tiny flit of feeling in a relentless stream of everyday life. They would come and go; and as they left I only had one feeling after they would leave. Fear. Not of them actually leaving me, but of myself being alone. I always thought it was strange, but I just played it to the fact that I needed someone in my life and that was it. I never let myself read too much into it, because I feared the meanings I would find.

I would call my best friend in tears; as became tradition for the both of us, and I would talk out all the things running through my head, trying to makes sense of the fault, or of the relationships in general. It would always end the same; I don't want to be alone. I never understood why that was. She would console me, and I would try to pick up on my old life of being single inevitably; you get the idea.

Then, he came along. Like a magnet I was drawn in; unable to wry myself from his grasp. The air teeming with electricity at his presence. These feelings were new, and exciting. I couldn't control myself, and all boundaries aside, I let myself go. I let myself fall into his wonderful world, the strength of the strongest love pulsing through my veins. I was at my happiest and at my most vulnerable. I gloried in the release and I let him overcome me. He was like oxygen, and I needed him to survive.

It was hard at first, knowing that he did not feel the same, but I came to the conclusion that he couldn't recognize the mirrored emotions in himself because he was preoccupied with another's signals. I let it slide, slipping deeper and deeper in despair as he insisted on my overreactions. I stayed true to my heart, only telling him the truth, only expanding on the depth of my feelings when I deemed it prudent. I felt a great surge of joy every time he showed any inkling as to these feelings. I bided my time, and waited.

Then, one night he said he loved me. I couldn't breathe; my suspicions had been correct. I was soaring, so I waited for the moment when we would be free to be together.

It came, and went.

I feel nothing now, the brightness of his star has blinded me to all others. I find similarities in all who attract me now; the eyes, his smile, his laugh. They do nothing but hold a small fragment of the joy I felt with him. It burns every time I see them. Saying his name, seeing a photograph, the list goes on and on. The burn doesn't lessen or wane. I question my sanity.

Damn him for ruining my chances at a real life, a life without the draw of a star as bright as him. I am banished to a life in the dark, never again to see his light.

Trying to move on, I date; I set my sights to the horizon. I try new things, cast a wide net, but nothing helps. I meet someone new, but even when he leaves, I feel the pain of loneliness, but with a whole new sting. It's as if he has just left. I no longer fear only being alone, but now I fear a life without him. A life without the man who set a bright light within me and has taken it away.

I cannot strive to be anything but a shell any longer. Going through the motions, I move on in body. I go to work, read again, talk to family and friends, but nothing feels right. I feel strangely empty, like a piece of me has left with him. A piece I can never get back even if I move on from this world. I scares me that someone has that power over me, even though I relinquished it willingly before. Had I known, would I have given my heart so freely? I don't know.

All I want his him, years later. He has left me for good and all I can think about, dare I say dream about, is him. A constant burden upon my shoulders, it weighs on me. I want to move on, but if I forget, what then? What will happen to me? I don't know anymore. I feel him inside of me still, my heart keeping in time as a silent vigil to our life. Surely I will remain this way; cursed to love someone who was never mine, but the only one I will ever want.

I do not know why I am writing this at one o'clock in the morning, or why years later I am compelled to write about him. What I do know is that this letter; this memorandum is for all those who feel like they have lost someone so dear to them, that they can no longer continue. Know that you are not alone, and that although you will never be the same, you can still learn to live. I still hope, dream, and wish for all the happiness in the world. Three years later, I have given up on love, but not on living. I remain here for the chance; if it reappears, at a life with the only person in my life I have ever truly been in love with. I remain his forever, whether it means something or nothing at all. I do not care if I love anyone again, I just want to persevere, whatever that means. Men will come and go from my life, I am sure, but none will compare to the brightness and the strength of him.

I hope that whatever this is has touched you in some way; no matter what your situation. Take a moment to remember all the things in your life that make you face the day, and all the things you still have left to accomplish. Feel glad for what you've been given and remember that somewhere, there is a girl who still feels love, even as her heart bleeds. She still has hope; for herself and for others.

Description
For the longest time, I feared being alone. There has never been anything more all-consuming than that fear. It would consume me in the middle of the night, leaving my heart racing and my eyes wet with tears.

Year after year, guys would come in and out of my life, and there presence would merely touch my radar. A tiny flit of feeling in a relentless stream of everyday life. They would come and go; and as they left I only had one feeling after they would leave. Fear. Not of them actually leaving me, but of myself being alone. I always thought it was strange, but I just played it to the fact that I needed someone in my life and that was it. I never let myself read too much into it, because I feared the meanings I would find.

I would call my best friend in tears; as became tradition for the both of us, and I would talk out all the things running through my head, trying to makes sense of the fault, or of the relationships in general. It would always end the same; I don't want to be alone. I never understood why that was. She would console me, and I would try to pick up on my old life of being single inevitably; you get the idea.

Then, he came along. Like a magnet I was drawn in; unable to wry myself from his grasp. The air teeming with electricity at his presence. These feelings were new, and exciting. I couldn't control myself, and all boundaries aside, I let myself go. I let myself fall into his wonderful world, the strength of the strongest love pulsing through my veins. I was at my happiest and at my most vulnerable. I gloried in the release and I let him overcome me. He was like oxygen, and I needed him to survive.

It was hard at first, knowing that he did not feel the same, but I came to the conclusion that he couldn't recognize the mirrored emotions in himself because he was preoccupied with another's signals. I let it slide, slipping deeper and deeper in despair as he insisted on my overreactions. I stayed true to my heart, only telling him the truth, only expanding on the depth of my feelings when I deemed it prudent. I felt a great surge of joy every time he showed any inkling as to these feelings. I bided my time, and waited.

Then, one night he said he loved me. I couldn't breathe; my suspicions had been correct. I was soaring, so I waited for the moment when we would be free to be together.

It came, and went.

I feel nothing now, the brightness of his star has blinded me to all others. I find similarities in all who attract me now; the eyes, his smile, his laugh. They do nothing but hold a small fragment of the joy I felt with him. It burns every time I see them. Saying his name, seeing a photograph, the list goes on and on. The burn doesn't lessen or wane. I question my sanity.

Damn him for ruining my chances at a real life, a life without the draw of a star as bright as him. I am banished to a life in the dark, never again to see his light.

Trying to move on, I date; I set my sights to the horizon. I try new things, cast a wide net, but nothing helps. I meet someone new, but even when he leaves, I feel the pain of loneliness, but with a whole new sting. It's as if he has just left. I no longer fear only being alone, but now I fear a life without him. A life without the man who set a bright light within me and has taken it away.

I cannot strive to be anything but a shell any longer. Going through the motions, I move on in body. I go to work, read again, talk to family and friends, but nothing feels right. I feel strangely empty, like a piece of me has left with him. A piece I can never get back even if I move on from this world. I scares me that someone has that power over me, even though I relinquished it willingly before. Had I known, would I have given my heart so freely? I don't know.

All I want his him, years later. He has left me for good and all I can think about, dare I say dream about, is him. A constant burden upon my shoulders, it weighs on me. I want to move on, but if I forget, what then? What will happen to me? I don't know anymore. I feel him inside of me still, my heart keeping in time as a silent vigil to our life. Surely I will remain this way; cursed to love someone who was never mine, but the only one I will ever want.

I do not know why I am writing this at one o'clock in the morning, or why years later I am compelled to write about him. What I do know is that this letter; this memorandum is for all those who feel like they have lost someone so dear to them, that they can no longer continue. Know that you are not alone, and that although you will never be the same, you can still learn to live. I still hope, dream, and wish for all the happiness in the world. Three years later, I have given up on love, but not on living. I remain here for the chance; if it reappears, at a life with the only person in my life I have ever truly been in love with. I remain his forever, whether it means something or nothing at all. I do not care if I love anyone again, I just want to persevere, whatever that means. Men will come and go from my life, I am sure, but none will compare to the brightness and the strength of him.

I hope that whatever this is has touched you in some way; no matter what your situation. Take a moment to remember all the things in your life that make you face the day, and all the things you still have left to accomplish. Feel glad for what you've been given and remember that somewhere, there is a girl who still feels love, even as her heart bleeds. She still has hope; for herself and for others.