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Invader-DEM — Invader Dem Part1
Published: 2011-06-29 02:21:46 +0000 UTC; Views: 36; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 1
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Description
Ive been asleep for quite some time... All I can remember was guards holding me down and blood on my hands. It was the tallest purple's blood. They put a scar on my left eye. The scar of exile and betrayle. Then they knocked me out... Thats all i remember... Now i am awake...and pissed as all hell.. As far as I know im on an alien planet in a fiery blaze. The ship they put me on crashed and blazing around me as I search for my companion robot Nemi. After what seemed like an eternity I finally found her. She was deactivated. Luckily I had a spare powercell at all times. I re-activated her and sent out an Irken distress signal to this planet. Earth was the name. Now this alien planet was my home.Related content
Comments: 2
*I think there can be improvement of the the discontent the character expressed
Gosh I didn't even read that LOL good thing I'm not writing a story!
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Hehe, first things first - you gotta spell check! "Betrayal" with an A and L.
Make sure you add the punctuation in like for "I've" and "I'm". Tallest Purple is also a name for a character, so you should honour them by giving them capital letters!
Also, you should re-read and re-write this part:
"The ship they put me on crashed and blazing around me ..."
I'm not sure, but from "They knocked me out" to "pissed as hell", I think there are too many pauses with those dots. It does add for dramatic effect, but I think it can the discontent of the character can be expressed . Pauses like that I feel are more made for direct dialogues to the listener than journal-writing or just any kind of monologue.
Okaies, that's all the critique I got for this one!
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