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Description

“Felt so lonely… because it was just ME giving it”

I had a huge crush when I changed college. We were in the same term but different classroom. He was good at the looks; I enjoyed watching him at a far while he was not even realizing I existed. It always felt like that… I was behind a window very damn far away looking at him. I never stood up in any place… more at the start of the classes. Was the new girl that got in the middle of entering… everyone knew each other and I was by myself.

While I was dealing with everything, terrible relationships, diseases, also my family had issues… it was never a dull moment.

We never talked, till a day we worked in a project for the whole term. After that he knew about me, and started talking to me… for me it was sweaty hands and the sound of victory in my heart.

But it was a lot less than what I thought it would be…

We started going out almost before graduating, he kept to himself a lot when we went out, usually it was to the movies. That's what we liked to talk a lot, he liked movies A LOT, and soundtracks. He liked to write and draw his stories. He always talked about his stories, he never did give any kind of material just what he was working while I was around. But aside of that, it was all about talking about our interests in movies.
We used to go out just on weekends cause of our jobs, but he sucked at being a good date...He always got late to our dates… he came a long way from where he lived, that was his usual excuse. He left me there waiting for hours, in the rain once, in the heat, in a strange place. That was usually our dates.

After a while I knew was more interested in me for other reasons. We used to go out to a motel near our college, this after graduating and us starting to work and such. He always said it was just us; no one needed to know what was going on with us. I once asked him if we were dating… he just said “we are friends, don’t think anything else… “. That broke me in to pieces, but I was really determined in making him love me.

This went on for years… I dated other guys, but every time I left them I ran towards him so easy. I felt bad for myself in being like that, more even to let myself being treated that way. I was terribly in love… when you fall in love with your crush it’s so hard to let go easily.

I did tell him I wanted to be with him, I would do anything to be with him… after that he said he would move to another state because he didn’t like living in this place. It broke me even more… I think I stopped feeling for a while and had set of terrible dates… as if I was just going out with people just to wait for him.

I kept talking to him, all day sometimes… made me feel like I had a relation with him. It was so lonely.

I’ll be honest, I don’t know how that lasted… but this point I don’t care, stopped caring years ago. He kept talking to me, and then I faced the fact that I needed to stop answering. Simple as that.

He then showed up, after disappearing… he popped up on a birthday of mine. We drank and talked but at that time I didn’t feel anything for him. He said he missed me and wanted to be with me… now formally. I smiled and just said “you are years late”.

Never saw him or knew about him again.

I knew he had issues and I was the only person that listened to him, also he kinda sucked at saying what was I for him, besides someone to take his problems off.

What I learned?

Crush loves are intense, crush loves can’t be always real. You can easily fall for the fantasy moment. I was looking for that perfect moment to happen but I guess it never had a first or anything even.

You can care for someone for YEARS... but love isn't always going to be returned, even if you put your heart and soul to it. Don’t invest yourself in toxic relationships.

Being alone is good sometimes… it’s hard at first but it’s well rewarded. You meditate, you heal yourself and you find yourself again. Always consider yourself first before anyone else.

Someone else is out there that actually will care for you, consider you and give you the respect that you deserve. Love yourself first before loving someone else.

Description

“Felt so lonely… because it was just ME giving it”

I had a huge crush when I changed college. We were in the same term but different classroom. He was good at the looks; I enjoyed watching him at a far while he was not even realizing I existed. It always felt like that… I was behind a window very damn far away looking at him. I never stood up in any place… more at the start of the classes. Was the new girl that got in the middle of entering… everyone knew each other and I was by myself.

While I was dealing with everything, terrible relationships, diseases, also my family had issues… it was never a dull moment.

We never talked, till a day we worked in a project for the whole term. After that he knew about me, and started talking to me… for me it was sweaty hands and the sound of victory in my heart.

But it was a lot less than what I thought it would be…

We started going out almost before graduating, he kept to himself a lot when we went out, usually it was to the movies. That's what we liked to talk a lot, he liked movies A LOT, and soundtracks. He liked to write and draw his stories. He always talked about his stories, he never did give any kind of material just what he was working while I was around. But aside of that, it was all about talking about our interests in movies.
We used to go out just on weekends cause of our jobs, but he sucked at being a good date...He always got late to our dates… he came a long way from where he lived, that was his usual excuse. He left me there waiting for hours, in the rain once, in the heat, in a strange place. That was usually our dates.

After a while I knew was more interested in me for other reasons. We used to go out to a motel near our college, this after graduating and us starting to work and such. He always said it was just us; no one needed to know what was going on with us. I once asked him if we were dating… he just said “we are friends, don’t think anything else… “. That broke me in to pieces, but I was really determined in making him love me.

This went on for years… I dated other guys, but every time I left them I ran towards him so easy. I felt bad for myself in being like that, more even to let myself being treated that way. I was terribly in love… when you fall in love with your crush it’s so hard to let go easily.

I did tell him I wanted to be with him, I would do anything to be with him… after that he said he would move to another state because he didn’t like living in this place. It broke me even more… I think I stopped feeling for a while and had set of terrible dates… as if I was just going out with people just to wait for him.

I kept talking to him, all day sometimes… made me feel like I had a relation with him. It was so lonely.

I’ll be honest, I don’t know how that lasted… but this point I don’t care, stopped caring years ago. He kept talking to me, and then I faced the fact that I needed to stop answering. Simple as that.

He then showed up, after disappearing… he popped up on a birthday of mine. We drank and talked but at that time I didn’t feel anything for him. He said he missed me and wanted to be with me… now formally. I smiled and just said “you are years late”.

Never saw him or knew about him again.

I knew he had issues and I was the only person that listened to him, also he kinda sucked at saying what was I for him, besides someone to take his problems off.

What I learned?

Crush loves are intense, crush loves can’t be always real. You can easily fall for the fantasy moment. I was looking for that perfect moment to happen but I guess it never had a first or anything even.

You can care for someone for YEARS... but love isn't always going to be returned, even if you put your heart and soul to it. Don’t invest yourself in toxic relationships.

Being alone is good sometimes… it’s hard at first but it’s well rewarded. You meditate, you heal yourself and you find yourself again. Always consider yourself first before anyone else.

Someone else is out there that actually will care for you, consider you and give you the respect that you deserve. Love yourself first before loving someone else.