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Published: 2013-03-25 09:09:53 +0000 UTC; Views: 13899; Favourites: 103; Downloads: 191
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Description
George brightened at the knock at the door. It was "Shave and a Haircut," the same knock he always gave. He still looked through the peephole but knew all along who it was."Trevor!" he exclaimed once the door was unchained.
Green eyes glinted in the dark, and strong arms balanced a bouquet of daffodils and a plate wrapped in plastic.
"I'd hug you, but then you'd be wearing these," Trevor explained. He entered and set everything down on the dining room table. "OK, now," he suggested, arms outstretched.
George embraced his son, but with lips pursed. Trevor took care not to hurt him.
"You know," George said, "it's a shame to wear such a nice suit with all that scruff on your face."
"It's fur, Dad," Trevor retorted.
The kitchen door opened, and a tall, thin woman of about forty approached with a bowl of potato salad.
"Tessie!" Trevor yelped, and ran across the room to nuzzle her before she could put the bowl down. She giggled, sounding significantly younger.
"Help with anything?" Trevor inquired.
Tess smiled and shook her head. "Dinner's ready. Just wash up if need be."
Trevor darted around the corner, and George transferred the daffodils to a tall vase. Tess peeled away the plastic on the plate to reveal deviled eggs.
"Why don't we do this every Sunday?" George asked his daughter, who just shrugged.
"Still no fire hydrant for me, Dad," Trevor pouted upon return.
George flushed. "We've been through this!"
"Kidding, Dad," Trevor assured him. "You're so easy to tease."
George collected himself, and the three sat down to dinner.
"I hope the daffodils are all right," Trevor said as he scooped up potato salad. "I know you hate to bring your work home with you."
"They're lovely," George replied. "Aren't they, Tessie?"
"Mmm."
The family ate in silence until George reached out for an egg.
"Trev, how many of those have you eaten?"
"Oops," Trevor said as he swallowed the last one.
"It's fine," Tess assured him. "The potato salad has almost the same vinegar flavor! Besides, Trev, didn't you have something you wanted to talk about?"
Trevor looked as though he did not, but eventually he spoke:
"Dad, this isn't a safe neighborhood."
George stiffened. "It's seen better days."
"Yeah, a long time ago. You need to get out."
George rose from the table. "Your mother and I bought this house in 1967. You came here straight from the hospital. So did your sister."
Silence.
"This is our house. There's nothing more to talk about. If you want to talk, let's talk about this phase of yours, the dog thing."
"Phase?" Trevor bristled. "Yeah, every month since the eighties! Go outside and talk to the moon, Dad, not me."
"Trev, I'm proud of you. Really I am. Your store puts mine to shame. But I want grandchildren. Here, in this house. Just because you can pass for twenty-five doesn't mean you are, you know."
Whatever Trevor was about to say was interrupted by the sound of breaking glass at the other end of the house.
"Don't panic," George instructed. "I'm prepared for this sort of thing."
Ignoring his father, Trevor hopped up and halfway across the room.
"Wait! Where are you going?" George called after him in a low voice, but Trevor was out of sight.
George fought tears, and Tess put her arm around him.
There was a single scream from the other end of the house. Five minutes later, Trevor returned without a crease in his suit.
"What happened?" demanded George, trembling.
"I took care of it," Trevor said, staring down at his plate. Nothing remained but a sprig of parsley, which he seized and chewed up with vigor.
There was butterscotch pie for dessert, but Trevor was the only one with any appetite.
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Comments: 98
JoeyLiverwurst In reply to ??? [2013-03-26 06:57:30 +0000 UTC]
Thanks, Adam. You're right about the prose being skeleton-like, and I think it's because George and Trevor are talking about the two things they least want to talk about, and each for the umpteenth time. On the other paw, there's no way the end would work if they were talking about everything happening in detail. So, hooray! They found a third thing they want to talk about even less.
I suppose it would work better as a radio drama than a short story.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
TheLastWhiteRose85 [2013-03-25 12:06:27 +0000 UTC]
Overall
Vision
Originality
Technique
Impact
Very strong beginning with nice use of dialogue. It even had an engaging storyline. I read every last word and almost as quickly as I had begun.
Though dialogue started strong near the end it seemed to fall off a bit. I began to see less action and just mainly talking. I found myself asking questions like, "Was he angry with his son?" It was a little lacking in info.
I still love your description and am looking forward to reading more of your work. I even liked and disliked the end it made me laugh but at the same time wonder? Was that what you were going for?
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
JoeyLiverwurst In reply to TheLastWhiteRose85 [2013-03-25 22:00:49 +0000 UTC]
Oh, certainly. There were questions George and Tess didn't want answered.
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TheLastWhiteRose85 In reply to JoeyLiverwurst [2013-03-26 04:33:16 +0000 UTC]
Understandable. It was a great story though in my opinion
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TheLastWhiteRose85 In reply to JoeyLiverwurst [2013-03-26 08:49:49 +0000 UTC]
You're welcome.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
salmonandcapers [2013-09-17 12:39:19 +0000 UTC]
Great storyline, I like how you leave some ambiguity in there.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
JoeyLiverwurst In reply to salmonandcapers [2013-09-17 14:34:15 +0000 UTC]
Thank you! There's a sequel, but it doesn't do away with the ambiguity.
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JoeyLiverwurst In reply to Slashphoto [2013-04-07 22:59:03 +0000 UTC]
Every family could use one.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Slashphoto In reply to JoeyLiverwurst [2013-04-07 23:57:17 +0000 UTC]
True, though every time I howled like a wolf it gave my father the creeps. He wouldn't let me watch nature programs after a while. I dunno, something about wolf women scares men. Awoooo!
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JoeyLiverwurst In reply to Slashphoto [2013-04-08 03:28:34 +0000 UTC]
Probably not knowing whether they're hungry or just friendly.
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Slashphoto In reply to JoeyLiverwurst [2013-04-08 07:55:43 +0000 UTC]
I think we're always a little bit of both. He just about died when the song 'Hungry Like the Wolf' came out, lol!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
kantuck-nadie [2013-04-07 18:03:18 +0000 UTC]
Interesting! It raises a lot of questions in my mind.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
JoeyLiverwurst In reply to Slashphoto [2013-04-07 11:42:33 +0000 UTC]
Thank you! Worth 1000 words, even if I gave it just 635.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Slashphoto In reply to JoeyLiverwurst [2013-04-07 22:32:20 +0000 UTC]
But they were the 635 right ones.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
TheLastWhiteRose85 [2013-04-07 10:53:02 +0000 UTC]
Hey man, just thought I'd let you know I am writing a Fantasy Wolf Novel, Wolven Tails of Flame
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
JoeyLiverwurst In reply to TheLastWhiteRose85 [2013-04-07 10:55:43 +0000 UTC]
"Wolven" ought to get used more often. Good luck!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
TheLastWhiteRose85 In reply to JoeyLiverwurst [2013-04-07 11:10:19 +0000 UTC]
It is kind of dual meaning as well I used a play on words like a Pun but more serious. It sounds somewhat like Woven Tales of Flame. Lore and Wise Storytellers are a big part of it
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
AlbinoHound [2013-04-05 01:18:24 +0000 UTC]
Is Trevor a werewolf? Haha I was trying to figure that out Cx
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
JoeyLiverwurst In reply to AlbinoHound [2013-04-05 05:30:56 +0000 UTC]
If he's not, he does a good imitation.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
TheGalleryOfEve [2013-04-04 16:38:28 +0000 UTC]
Congratulations on your well-deserved DD!!!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
TheGalleryOfEve In reply to JoeyLiverwurst [2013-04-05 00:27:19 +0000 UTC]
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
glowworm56 [2013-04-04 15:35:00 +0000 UTC]
That was kind of cute. I loved the fire hydrant joke.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
JoeyLiverwurst In reply to glowworm56 [2013-04-05 00:25:00 +0000 UTC]
Thanks! Trevor's such a rascal.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
xlntwtch [2013-04-04 11:11:11 +0000 UTC]
Wow, I was so happy to see this with a gold banner under it, I laughed aloud. Celebrate!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
JoeyLiverwurst In reply to xlntwtch [2013-04-04 11:23:40 +0000 UTC]
I shall! Thank you for your continued support!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
JoeyLiverwurst In reply to Lintu47 [2013-04-04 08:49:06 +0000 UTC]
Thank you! Nice day so far!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
ZylvurWolf [2013-03-31 14:42:56 +0000 UTC]
Very good I think, just needed more detail, but I had no trouble understanding what was going on. Nice read.
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JoeyLiverwurst In reply to ZylvurWolf [2013-04-01 03:54:36 +0000 UTC]
Thank you! Sound advice.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
BismarckAlphawolf [2013-03-30 03:51:57 +0000 UTC]
This was great. I liked the shift in tone, and just the way you used the wolf-pun-esque things. A great little story
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
JoeyLiverwurst In reply to BismarckAlphawolf [2013-03-30 05:59:19 +0000 UTC]
Thanks so much!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
TheSepiaRaven [2013-03-29 20:28:49 +0000 UTC]
Not your strongest work, but still a fun read. Interesting concept to work with, but I feel the narration was a tad threadbare. I'd love to see you expound on the whole, "werewolf in the family" dynamic.
I can't blame Trevor for eating all the deviled eggs; I would have done the same thing. I am a total hound for the strange treats. Although, it was a bit of a party foul that he didn't share any of the hoodlum...
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
JoeyLiverwurst In reply to TheSepiaRaven [2013-03-29 22:55:52 +0000 UTC]
I think I went overboard on threadbare, between the scarcity of dinner conversation and the silence over what happened at the other end of the house.
I never mentioned any hoodlum.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
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