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JoeyLiverwurst — Enlightenment
Published: 2014-03-28 08:18:51 +0000 UTC; Views: 6011; Favourites: 21; Downloads: 0
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Description
The credits scrolled, and Damon returned to reality. He stretched his arms."You missed a good movie!" he called out to no one there.
11:00. Too soon for bed, and besides, he was hungry. He rose from the recliner and ambled across the apartment. Kyle's door was closed of course, so he knocked.
"Yeah?"
"I'm thinking of going out. You interested?"
Just as Damon was about to walk away, Kyle provided the first of several surprises.
"Sure, why not."
"Whoa, really? Awesome! You wanna transform? I can bring along the Frisbee."
"Yeah, but don't bother with the Frisbee."
"Cool, I'll get ready!"
Damon slipped off his socks and smiled as his feet disappeared under thick sepia fur. Large claws poked out almost absurdly, and pads pushed him another inch closer to the ceiling. He bounced back and forth, anticipating a night out with his old friend.
Finally, Kyle's door creaked open, and Kyle tiptoed out looking more like a Pomeranian than a wolf. Behind one ear was a feather.
"What's with the feather?"
"I've been getting into Native American culture. Not all werewolves are European in origin, you know."
Not sure what to say, Damon smiled and scritched Kyle behind the other ear.
"It's spring break, so the streets should be fairly empty. Wanna walk to the park?"
Kyle nodded, and off they went.
"You know," Damon chuckled, "maybe I shouldn't wear such tight pants next time I transform." He flattened his forepaws against his thighs for effect, but Kyle didn't react. Once outside, Damon attempted conversation again.
"Long time since we went anywhere together. What's new with you?"
"Surfing the Web. Studying. Learning a lot."
"About what?"
"About us! I feel more in touch with my inner wolf than ever before."
"You mean your outer wolf?" Damon asked, but Kyle ignored him.
"I was so irresponsible before. I didn't think about my place in the universe. Lycanthropy was like a toy to me. I'm so glad I woke up."
"Whoa, not so fast!" Damon laughed. "What are you talking about?"
Kyle halted and stared Damon in the eye.
"You'd do well to stay in and study with me some time."
"All right, maybe this weekend. But I still don't—cat!"
Damon darted down an alley and pounced on a stray cat. Hungrily, he gnawed away at its body. He stopped cold, however, when a silver bullet entered his shoulder.
Damon's fur receded, and he lay on the ground, barefoot and bleeding. He looked up at Kyle, still in wolf form, eyes burning and gun smoking.
"Dude, what the hell?"
"How dare you! Prey on an innocent little kitty because might makes right. Well, not any more!"
Damon blinked, equally baffled and injured.
"Kyle… you taught me how to hunt."
"I was wrong! I was young and foolish then. Did you know morels have more protein than rabbits or squirrels?"
"Kyle, we're carnivores."
"We don't have to be! It's time we treat our animal brothers with respect. Violence isn't the answer!"
"But Kyle, you shot me. What are you even doing with silver bullets anyway?"
"I don't have time for this. I never should've bitten you, but at least now, you'll never hurt another helpless creature again. I forgive you and hope you find peace in your next life."
Vowing never again to trust someone so ignorant, Kyle left Damon there in the alley and forged ahead to the park. It was the perfect night to pick mushrooms.
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Comments: 84
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This piece is probably best summarized as a good idea with poor execution. There is potential in this concept, though not wholly original, fantasy creatures adapting to a modern or more realistic society, it appeared to be a rather interesting take on it.
The overall piece is rather light on description or imagery. Concepts and characters are introduced with very little flair or detail. I guess bland would be the word. Things just sort of happen, you take no efforts to make them seem interesting. Your word choice is just very basic, very flat.
This story's attempts at humour are a bit under utilized. It comes up sparingly which is unfortunate because you have a concept with a lot of opportunity for jokes. The only real gag here is, werewolf acts like a dog. Wants to go the park, play with a frisbee, chase a cat, etc. t's just not very funny, mostly because it's kind of old, it's been done. That being said, using an old joke is fine if it has a new spin or a hidden surprise, but this one just plays it straight.
I feel like the ending is a little confusing. Who's supposed to be the bad guy here? Cause honestly both characters are kind of reprehensible. Damon is an irresponsible dick who has no self control. Kyle is a pretentious, self-righteous knob who clearly went into this situation with the intent to shoot Damon. He brought a gun, loaded with silver bullets and shot his friend without warning. He didn't even say to him "Hey, maybe we shouldn't go around killing shit." No, he just shoots Damon for doing something he thought was totally okay and Kyle knows he thinks that way, he just kind of plays dumb at the end there. A reasonable person would have clued someone into his new way of thinking before exacting punishment upon them for something they literally had no idea was wrong.
On a technical level, the story is servicable. Grammar is fine, no notable errors. It just feels like little to no effort was put into this. It creates a story that is very messy and just sort of awkward.
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I agree with a lot of what you've said. I wrote this for April Fools' Day, and the praise for Kyle becoming more socially responsible is completely sarcastic. There's a segment of the werewolf fandom that wants werewolves to dress up like Native Americans and adopt vegetarian diets.
The one thing that confuses me is how Damon's reprehensible and an irresponsible dick. Would you mind telling me how he's anywhere close to as bad as Kyle? Genuinely curious.
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Oh, he's nowhere near as bad as Kyle. Still, he does kill a random cat. I mean that's kind of cruel. Maybe it's a societal difference, like to werewolves that's totally cool but to a human like me, that just looks bad. I eat meat but I don't start shredding up random animals on the street.
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I appreciate the reply. I always come at it from the angle werewolves are responsible if they're eating something other than innocent people, and perhaps house pets. I had a good friend, though, who two years ago was appalled a werewolf would kill livestock. I don't feel a feral cat is more taboo than a farm or game animal, but it's good to keep in mind many do.
I'm mainly glad you characterized Kyle as "a pretentious, self-righteous knob" because that's just what I was going for. Sorry the story wasn't to your taste, but I always enjoy hearing from people who aren't just "yay werewolves" no matter what the story.
Thanks for weighing in,
Joey
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Gotta sympathize with Damon here, and it's not really even do with veganism. The one who makes you into a werewolf and teaches you to hunt ends up shooting you for it.
Something else interesting that was also touched upon in movies like Wolfen and in True Blood was the Native American werewolves/shape shifters.
Thought-provoking story.
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Oh god, just when I was enjoying their camaraderie, BLAM, grr-faces and tension. Such a harsh response from Kyle and to use silver bullets against one he turned too. I really enjoyed the deceptive lull and action.
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It was pretty frosty for camaraderie.
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Ohh noo, haha I think I misinterpreted then. 
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This was part of an April Fools' Day joke about "enlightened" werewolves.
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Thank you! He did. He had a hard time explaining to his girlfriend why he attacked a cat, though.
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Hi!
After reviewing such a lovely piece of work, I am to critique this piece (since it has been submitted to the critique folder of the "WriterArt" club).
Alright, so, the tone coming off of both of your characters is fairly interesting. Most likely, every avid reader enjoys those characters that speak in a witty tone, or maybe spout a joke once in a while. As the scenes progress in this piece, each character carries their own humorous appeal. Such as, the Frisbee that Damon oh so wanted to bring along on their trip. Also, Kyle's reference to "getting into Native American culture" by wearing a feather as some kind of accessory. This comes off as a very amusing situation for readers.
As much as this writing piece contains its own amusement, and it very much so does. There are a few areas in this piece that some-what confused me first hand. In the beginning, when Damon is just finishing his movie:
'"The credits scrolled, and Damon returned to reality. He stretched his arms. "You missed a good movie!" he called out to no one there."'
After I first read this, I had to read it over a few more times to understand what sort of message was being portrayed. When Damon "called out to no one there," I don't really understand where exactly "there" is. Perhaps, before this sentence you could add something that describes where he is first. Then, you can describe what that place may be like (such as no one being there).
When Kyle shoots Damon with a silver bullet, and says " How dare you! Prey on an innocent little kitty because might makes right. Well, not any more!" I don't know exactly what you mean after the independent clause. There is "Because might makes right." Is Kyle suggesting that Damon believes what he is doing may be right? In all honestly, I have no idea what you're referring to. Perhaps, this is a typo?
This piece has very interesting characters, and plot line. It's not everyday that someone would get shot with a silver bullet, ya' know? I believe that there are some things that could be touched up a bit, but everyone can improve their writing. Even at its best, the most famous pieces in the world can be improved. I wrote this critique simply because I am looking to reach out to other writers, and help them out. Please do not take any of my suggestions offensively, because it was not written to be of any offense. Have a nice day!
-Mik
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I'm glad you found it amusing! It's always interesting to know what's unclear after the fact; I'll try to clarify for you.
It's true I didn't set the scene at first, but "to no one there" is a fixed expression. The idea is that Damon is talking to Kyle, but Kyle is all the way across the apartment with the door closed and not paying any attention. There's a song from 1971 with the line "I said to no one there," but that's a bad example because it's not regarded as a very good song.
"Might makes right" is another fixed expression. Kyle is suggesting Damon is eating the cat just because he is bigger and stronger and can get away with it.
Certainly no offense taken; I submitted it to the critique folder, after all! I haven't ruled out an epilogue, but so far I can't keep it true to the character.
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Those two explanations make much more sense, thank you.
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You're welcome. Thank you for reading my story!
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I wonder if this is what TV Tropes would categorize as a "Shoot the Shaggy Dog" story.
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And here I thought you were mixing metaphors. I'm amazed that's actually a thing.
I wrote this for April Fools' Day, but Damon didn't die. I'm just not sure there's a need for a sequel to a 566-word story.
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Wow this totally took on more edge about half-way, I like it, it makes me want to read more
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Thank you! I may yet write an epilogue.
How have you been?
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Hey, I've been doing very well. Just working and living life with fullness.
how are you?
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Wow, that was fast!
Happy to hear it. Went to thank you for the favorite and saw you had relocated.
Not crazy about this year so far, but it has had its highlights. Mostly travel.
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Oh haha yeahh, it happened rather fast.
Thank you, yeah I moved to another state, and now I work as a writer for some janitors.
This year has been pretty awesome as the lines begin to converge for me. The stuff in my head and the stuff in the "real world."
Travel is always very good, that's great
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Really interesting. This reminds me about a movie I once saw "Underworld". Good job!
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Kiitos, for the comment and the favorite!
Now I wish there had been a scene like this in Underworld.
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Odd, but truly original. I like the short format
(Btw, will Damon die? Kyle seems to think so...)
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Thank you! I was aiming for something different.
Damon won't die from a shoulder wound. He's just smart enough to stay on the ground until Kyle's out of sight.
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Enlightenment part II. Damon eats Kyle XD
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Heh. I read a book where werewolves eat one another, but I remain unconvinced.
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I'll be critiquing this later, just leaving this as a note to remind myself.
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It's an interesting prospect, the werewolf with a more controlled, cautious view on his kind, willing to resort to killing others like him when they're getting vicious. Nice stuff, though it's very tempting to to say Kyle might've been trigger happy here to break out the gun on cat murders, albiet I'm sure that would stir up a debate depending on what kind of cat people might also be reading.
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Considering he already had a gun loaded with silver bullets, "trigger-happy" seems a safe call. Always happy to provide food for thought!
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Okay that was definitely different. And I mean in a good way.
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Uh...
When you said morels, I thought you had mistyped mortals. And then I realized it was a mushroom. As for socially conscious, I prefer my wolves with a degree of savagery even in human shape.
This doesn't really do much for me.
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I wrote it for April Fools' Day. I agree with you.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
But it's not protein I want, it's the fatty acids, with their long aliphatic tail... their much more fun to chase and taste better too.
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You're alive!
Yeah, I'm not sure Kyle's new attitude works for all werewolves.
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Looking more and more like QuebecoisWolf will get his wish.
👍: 0 ⏩: 2
That Juliet Landau will mutate into a 50 foot tall wolf woman and viciously savage him with savage wolf-kisses?
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I thought that already had happened.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
No, you're thinking of Kylie Minogue turning into She-Ra
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I think of Kylie Minogue only with Nick Cave standing over her.
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