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Published: 2020-07-19 16:20:23 +0000 UTC; Views: 2127; Favourites: 21; Downloads: 0
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Disclaimer: The following advice represents the opinions of One Nitpicky Guy. Readers should accept or reject it as they please.
Jen opened her door and stepped out into the night.
"Hello?" she called. "Anyone out here?"
The trees rustled, blocking the streetlight. She mused that she had told Chris to cut them back, but nooo, he just said he'd get to it. Someday.
She pulled her handgun from her coat pocket, flicked on the flashlight, and panned it around the yard. Nothing. She wondered what had made the noise.
With her left hand, she reached for the porch light, tightened the bulb.
Nope, she thought, still out. But she decided not to stick around and replace it, not at night.
Something rustled in the bushes to her left, and her gun snapped around.
"Come out with your hands up!" she yelled, her heart beating loud in her ears.
A grey cat - the neighbour's cat, Jen recalled - sauntered out of the bushes, stared at her insolently. As cats do.
She lowered her gun, and went "Jeez, Malky! You scared me half to death!"
She could just barely make out the cat's features, the eerie greenish glow in his eyes. He looked at her, then right past her. Which meant, she reasoned, as the hairs on the back of her neck went up, that there might be someone right behi-
She was surprised when the killer's arm wrapped around her throat.
There are certain words that you see a lot in writing, which are almost never used in conversation. If you think there's a prowler in your backyard, you don't call 911 and say "Police? I think I see a figure hiding in my primroses!" You don't look at someone's "features" when they're talking to you, you look at their face. I've never "regarded" anyone, and how many of us actually know what "flashing eyes" would look like?*
IMO, it's fine to use words like this in, say, an article or opinion piece, which is deliberately artificial. If you're writing a story that's in omniscient third-person (EG Hitchiker's, Discworld), sure, why not. But using these terms in a close third-person or first-person narrative can be somewhat jarring, even if the reader never consciously notices.
And some of the biggest offenders are the "thought" words.
In reality, people don't really "muse". We seldom "consider". Or "make mental notes". Not in our own head. Have you ever been telling a story about something you did, and you went "and then I made a mental note?"
One common mistake is going "X thought of [subject]" without ever explaining, thus;
Dolores licked her lips as she thought of what she'd do to that sandwich.
as opposed to
Dolores licked her lips. First she'd pick up the sandwich, gently, gently. She'd nibble at the end, just a bit, just to get a little taste. Then she'd open her mouth as wide as it could go and take that big chomp-
That's a stronger image, more evocative. If you have to use "X thought of [subject]", try to use it like a sort of thesis statement.
Dolores licked her lips as she thought of what she'd do to that sandwich. First she'd pick it up, gently, gently. She'd nibble at the end, just a bit, just to get a little taste. Then she'd open her mouth as wide as it could go and take that big chomp-
or
Dolores licked her lips as she thought about what she'd do to that sandwich. She thought about how she'd pick it up, gently, gently. About nibbling at the end, just a bit, just to get a little taste. Then she'd open her mouth as wide as it could go and take that big chomp-
In general, try to avoid saying "X thought of [subject]" just by itself and letting it sit there. There needs to be some kind of payoff. Even if it doesn't show up right away. Even something like another character breaking them out of their thoughts.
I see way too many people who just use "X thought of [subject]" to summarize a character's thoughts, but don't unpack.
But more importantly for these tips are what I like to call inline thoughts. It's when you present the characters thoughts, in the text, without italics. While I like to use 'inline' thoughts for the POV character, I sometimes used italicized thoughts when I want to give emphasis.
Speaking of interruptions;
Jimmy frowned.
Well, someone with no taste might think "Dangerous" is the better album, but it's clearly "Bad".
His thoughts were interrupted by a loud crash from the next room.
Never say that. Just show the interruption, and then what interrupted.
Jimmy frowned.
Well, someone with no taste might think "Dangerous" is the better album, but it's clearly "Ba-"
There was a loud crash from the next room.
Also, some people use single quotes to indicate thoughts. As far as my highly-compensated** research team can tell, this is grammatically incorrect, and you shouldn't do it ever.
You know what's even worse? No, not 'irregardless', though that counts. Using both italics and single quotes. Which gets especially confusing when it's in the same paragraph as italicized dialogue.
"Look," I said, "I'll get you the money, so you don't need to be all nice place you have here, shame if something happened to it." 'Please don't ask how, please don't ask how, Please don't-'
Please don't write
X, I thought to myself.
Pop quiz; how many stories are there where the protagonist has access to telepathy? Mind-to-mind communication?
Not many.
Exactly. So who else would they be thinking to?
If your writing is focused on a POV character, you generally don't have to use "X noticed/saw/perceived/reasoned/etc." Just describe what they saw, just like you described the interruption instead of telling the audience there was an interruption.
Look at this "inline" bit;
Sanjay locked his computer, picked up his smartphone, and headed for the empty break roo-
Oh.
"Hi," Ingrid said.
"Hey."
Now, watch what happens when I tell, not show.
Sanjay locked his computer, picked up his smartphone, and headed for what he thought was an empty break room. Needless to say, he was surprised to find Ingrid already there.
"Hi," she said.
"Hey."
Just kinda sucked the emotion right out of it.
But what if I want to convey a non-verbal thought? Like an impulse?
Well, Timmy, then you lie.
What?
Lie. Fake it.
Carlos had a sudden urge to tickle his cat.
vs
Carlos looked at his cat. He could tickle her...
or
Carlos looked at his cat. Would she mind being tickled?
As a general rule, you should use thought verbs the way you'd use "said"
verbs. For me, that means 'not at all, if possible'.
"So what's the problem?" Jones asked.
"The anklet says she has a pretty set routine," Brown said. "Home, work,
grocery store. Sometimes she jogs around the block. But on one day, the day
of the explosion, she stops at this donut shop. If she didn't have a
sudden craving for some Timbits..."
Jones thought that was interesting. "Coincidence?"
Vs
If she didn't have a sudden craving for some Timbits..."
Interesting. "Coincidence?"
or
If she didn't have a sudden craving for some Timbits..."
Interesting. "Coincidence?"
Or
If she didn't have a sudden craving for some Timbits..."
Jones leaned forward. "Coincidence?"
Or
Jones' eyes narrowed. "Coincidence?"
Or
Jones narrowed his eyes. "Coincidence?"
Remember when I said you should generally use thought verbs like said verbs? That doesn't often apply when you're using physical reactions instead of thought tags (which I personally prefer). People put more weight on actions than words, and from the outside we can only know most people's thoughts by what they do and say. More specifically, try to put the physical reaction before the dialogue.
Sometimes you may want to use "X thought" to make the narration seem disconnected and distant from the POV characters. Let's say some character has a concussion or just got some shocking news.
Jane blinked. "I'm sorry, what?"
"There was a complication," the doctor said. "His heart stopped on the table."
This is impossible, Jane thought. "No, he can't...I just talked to him yesterday. How can he be de-dea-"
or
Jane blinked. "I'm sorry, what?"
"There was a complication," the doctor said. "His heart stopped on the table."
Jane thought it was impossible. "No, he can't...I just talked to him yesterday. How can he be de-dea-"
This works even in first person.
I blinked. "I'm sorry, what?"
"There was a complication," the doctor said. "His heart stopped on the table."
This is impossible, I thought. "No, he can't...I just talked to him yesterday. How can he be de-dea-"
Any questions?
Good Hunting
-Jon
PS: Oh, right, forgot;
Jen opened her door and stepped out into the night.
"Hello?" she called. "Anyone out here?"
The trees rustled, blocking the streetlight. She told Chris to cut them back, but nooo, he just said he'd get to it. Someday.
She pulled her handgun from her coat pocket, flicked on the flashlight, and panned it around the yard. Nothing. What had made the noise.
With her left hand, she reached for the porch light, tightened the bulb.
Nope, still out. Best not to stick around and replace it, not at night.
Something rustled in the bushes to her left, and her gun snapped around.
"Come out with your hands up!" she yelled, her heart beating loud in her ears.
A grey cat - the neighbour's cat- sauntered out of the bushes, stared at her insolently. As cats do.
She lowered her gun, and went "Jeez, Malky! You scared me half to death!"
She could just barely see the cat's face, the eerie greenish glow in his eyes. He looked at her, then right past her. The hairs on the back of her neck went up. Was there someone right behi-
A strong arm wrapped around her throat.
* I do. But that's another show.
** I throw a cheeseburger down their dungeon steps sometimes.
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