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Description
For the Parade, slightly zombified. Which for her is dressing down for the event.

An attempt to use AI to illustrate my Discworld Fanfiction, the zombie working as a necromancer's butler..

To illustrate: Necromancer 14: At The Final EndZephyrus stared glumly at the steam rising from the board. Water coursing over that spot still hadn’t cooled the remains of the island. “You didn’t say we couldn’t use the observatory in future games,” he accused Libertina.“I asked for limitations,” she pointed out. “You said succubi, shapeshifters, sirens, and sustainments. Not islands.”“I never did like Far Sight,” Ikebana said. “No flowers.”“You SAID no flowers! When we made the place!” Pedestriana said. “I don’t remember anything like that,” the goddess of flower arranging said with a sniff. The goddess of football smiled and shook her head while Zephyrus pounded the table in frustration.[1]“Double or nothing on the Assessin?” Urika asked him with a sweet smile.“Sure,” he muttered. Then he perked up. “Provided she gets another message.”“Help yourself,” Libertina laughed, winking at Urika. Zephyrus moved a playing piece.----- The thaum resonance visualization machine’s display screen burned out during the night. No one had been watching the screen when it shattered.“Order a new one,” Ridcully said, dismissing that agenda item.“There ARE no new ones to ‘order,’ Archchancellor!” Ponder protested. “It was hand-made!”“Then make another one,” Ridcully said, still trying to just get past anything to do with the High Energy Building.“It cost us well over-““Wait,” Ridcully said, suddenly feeling involved in the project. “Exactly how necessary is this thaum resource naturalization device, anyway?”----- They took no breaks on the way to the mainland. They passed small spits of land, but kept going. There was a lighthouse on the border of Kythia and Far Uberwald, and they made straight for it. They approached their destination at sunset. Thorrin was surprised to see a clacks tower winking at the top of the lighthouse. “What the ice is that?”[2] he asked.“Listening post,” Earlinda admitted. “Listening to WHAT?” he asked. There wasn’t another semaphore tower anywhere in sight. And the mountain behind the tower meant they couldn’t be talking to the interior.“Ships,” Earlinda said. She tapped her finger in time to the lights on the clacks. “Passing ships leave messages that are rebroadcast to- Oh!”“Oh, what? Something of interest?” he asked. “Lord Currington died.”“Who’s he?”“Just someone who owes me money,” she said angrily. “Owed, I guess I should say.”“Want me to fix that?” he asked. He was not laughing. She did laugh, though. “The estate’s certainly been settled by now. Too late for him to edit the will. Though it might be fun to see the wife’s face when he walked in…”“Send me an address and a date,” he said. She reached out to clasp his hand and smile.They beached on the Kythia side. “All ashore that’s going ashore,” the Snarl called. The entire Crew followed them onto the beach, surrounding the four travelers. Inga felt Refuge should be part of this and set her up well above the waterline. The lighthouse beam crossed their position every 48 seconds. Glowing red eyes turned into people, then back to pinpoints of fire.Tharl Eean took Thorrin by the shoulders. “I cannot possibly express the extent of the favor you have done my people, Wizard. This was amazing.” She indicated the bands on her arm. “These. They show everything I’ve ever done. All my proudest moments. All my longest sagas.” She lowered her arm and swept everything off. The bands fell into a bag that Thorrin recognized as coming from Earlinda’s luggage. “For you. It is not enough. Nowhere near enough. Well done, Thorrin Carpenter.“I don’t know how much I’ll hear about you guys up here, but if I learn you started to call yourself Thorrin the Tharl’s Friend, I will not be upset.” The formation broke up. Other heroes dropped their bands, rings, bracelets in the bag. Everyone got an arm grip or a hug. Refuge got a cheer. The Snarl offered a bench to Inga. “You’ve earned it,” he said. “A lot more than some of these louts.” Many cheered agreement.“I can’t,” she said. “I kinda want to, but…” She pointed a thumb at the wizard. “Thorrin,” she said as if the name alone explained her predicament. He nodded and stepped back.Earlinda got a salute from Carl. “Ma’am, your timely, intelligent, and brave assistance-““Shut up, Carl,” she said with a sob and a smile. She hugged him close.Mother got a solid gold helmet. “We also remember you saved every one of us,” Helga told her. Thorrin was wondering where that thing had come from.The Vikings stood in formation one last time. The light passed and they were gone. The travelers stood on the shore and watched the lighthouse beam catch the boat’s progress every minute or so. With no destination but ‘Rim,’ the tiller was tied in place, everyone rowed. And with no breakable mortals on board, the oars were kicking up a rooster-tail of a wake. When they could no longer distinguish the mast, Mother went inside. “Need bath. Dinner. Bath. Sleep.” She pat her helmet. “Then home. Buy some husbands. BEEEEG husbands,” she said, stretching her hand up over her head. Then she winked. “Some tall husbands, too.”They laughed as she disappeared inside the tower. Thorrin went back to staring at the Rim. A voice came from behind him. “Thorrin? Last week you couldn’t. Or you weren’t sure. Could you this week?”“Yes,” he said instantly. “Take a while to set it up, get everything straight. But nothing’s really stopping me.” He turned, unsurprised to see that Earlinda was pointing a .pipe at him. ---- Wizard Longblade, Master of Portents and Signs, watched his students set up the telescope, aligning it as the worksheet directed. He picked one student at random. “And what do you see, Mister Thoroughfare?” The student climbed up the ladder and looked.“Vikings, sir.”“There is no constellation called The Vikings, Mr. Thoroughfare.”“I didn’t say I see a constellation, Master, you asked what I see! I see Vikings.”“What do you mean?”“A great big Dragonboat, just like in all the woodcuts. About a zillion Vikings on it, too. Just hanging there in the sky.” Longblade started climbing the ladder, going faster than he had in the last ten years.“Are they-“ he started to ask.“Oh! There’s another ship! More Vikings! They’re rowing out to meet the waiting ones. Everyone’s waving and cheering.”“Step aside, idiot!” The instructor bent to the eyepiece. Two Viking boats were indeed in view, one closing on the other. The second one didn’t have as many people on it.When they came together, both vessels turned in the same direction…and dove. “Crank the scope! Crank the scope!” he shouted. “Which way?” several students asked. But it was too late. They were lost to view. It was the most exciting thing he’d seen in the sky since the time Great A’Tuin had rolled over and eaten an approaching meteor. The stars had spun like a river going over a waterfall. This would be harder to explain, he knew.He stepped from the telescope and turned to his class. Twenty students stood with pens poised over their notebooks, waiting for the official interpretation of this portent. “Um. Well. Yes. Yes, gentlemen, that will be all.”“All for tonight, sir?”“Nope. I’m changing subjects.” Kites, he was thinking. The sun’s always up when they fly kites. Were there traditions about the portents of kite flying? Could he make some? He started drafting his research proposal in his head.----- Thorrin raised his hands, palms out, and lowered his staff to the ground, gripped in the bend of his elbow. Then he stared at the countess. “You don’t want to kill me,” he said.“Is that a threat?” she asked.“No, I mean, it’s obvious. You pointed a weapon at me while Inga is behind you. That’s not the acme of skill for a dedicated killer.”“Oh, leave me out of this,” Inga said, heaving the bracelet bag to her shoulder. She walked past them both, headed for Refuge. “Bath, dinner, another bath. After a week being hit with salt water, those sound good. Real good.” The other two stared at her as she went by. At the door, she turned. “I trust you, Earlinda.”“Don’t SAY that!”“But it’s true. And you know it.” She pulled the door shut behind her. They stood in the dark together. Every 48 seconds he saw that the pipe was pointed steadily at his forehead. And she saw he was standing quite still.“My orders are clear. You’re a threat. You have to be neutralized.”“I AM neutralized,” he protested. “I’m more afraid of my power than anyone!”“Then give up the power!”“I’m a wizard. Even if I wanted to give it up, you’d never believe me. Vetinari wouldn’t.” “True,” she agreed. “Are you going to run? I can say-““I’m far too lazy to live as Thorrin the Hunted. And I have a book to submit. To two different editors. And I think I made 6th level? Someone said so.” They stood there for another couple of light sweeps.“Tell you what I’m going to do,” he said. “I really hate traveling in winter. So I’m going to get my butt to Genua. I’ll winter there. Write my draft of Ali Awkshun Vree: His Life and Death. Let Inga see Fat Wednesday. After the festival, take trains to Ankh-Morpork. And report to my order. And show Inga a clacks. And whatever else comes up.“YOU can go on ahead. Or send your report by clacks. Or ask for backup. I’ll send word before we leave. And when we arrive.” He stepped close. “I don’t want to be a threat to the city. Maybe if I only visit every so often? Vetinari won’t have to worry about me most of the time, but can still get ahold of me if the need arises?”Another step to arm’s length before her. “But if you really, really think I have to die, Earlinda, go ahead and shoot.” She snarled and threw the pipe away. It bounced away in the dark, metal impacting a stone somewhere.“What are you doing?!” he yelled. “It might go off!”“It’s not loaded!” she shouted, maybe a little hysterically? “Inga was supposed to kill me so I didn’t have to kill you! NOW I have to face the Patrician as a failure!”“We’ll figure something out,” he promised. “Now, come on. You couldn’t leave without saying goodbye to Refuge, anyway.” He took her shoulder and gently turned her to the door. “And if we walk slowly, the other two can run upstairs and pretend they’re not watching us through the window.” She let a small laugh at that. Then said, “Mother’s already in her bath with a steak.” She froze just before stepping inside. Thorrin looked back at her from the stable. Then he turned to the ceiling. “Refuge? I really believe you’ve heard and understand everything that just happened. But I would like to make absolutely sure you know I don’t want Earlinda harmed in any way, okay?” The lights in the room flicked exactly once. A slow yes.“Sorry,” Earlinda told the sanctuary. Thorrin didn’t care that she hadn’t apologized to him, keeping Refuge happy was far more important. Then he wondered why he was holding a snowball.----- Zephyrus threw the dice away. They floated gently over the table. “You cheated!” he accused.“Succubi, shapeshifters,” Libertina said, counting on her fingers.“Nothing,” Urika said, “about members of completely separate pantheons.”“I’m sure the rulebook says,” Pedestriana started to say.“There’s no rulebook!” Libertina said. “Oh. Keep forgetting that.”“This shouldn’t count. Or maybe I’ll kill him myself!” The goddesses who owned fully-fledged pet hurricanes and blizzards stared at him, not blinking. “Gust away, little weather pattern,” Libertina goaded. He turned and stomped[3] off.----- “Okay,” Thorrin said at breakfast. “If we’re all going on together, where are we going and how are we getting there? Land or sea?”“Genua fine,” Mother said. “But plenty sea.”“What can we afford?” Earlinda asked.“HA!” Inga laughed. They stared at her. She waved vaguely towards the stairs. “The Viking treasure, I meant. We can afford anything. I thought you were joking.”“I’m not really comfortable using the bands as travel money,” Thorrin said.“Then use the other treasure!” Inga persisted.“My helmet-“ Mother protested.“Save that for the wedding. Weddings,” Earlinda corrected. “What treasure are you talking about?” Inga got up, waving them after her.Four of the stalls in Refuge’s basement were stacked with treasure. Plate, coin, chains, rings, circlets… They stared, then started asking the same question, with the same answer. “Me? I thought maybe you!”“The only thing I can think of,” Earlinda finally said, “Was when Inga let Refuge run the zombies.”“I just wanted to-““She’s not accusing you,” Thorrin assured her. “And we did say, ‘bring up treasure if you see it.’ But we were mostly joking!” he protested.“Zombie humor? Delicate? Subtext? Masters Sarcasm?” “Not really,” he had to admit. He looked at the gold, silver and jewels. “But even if they did, how did Refuge get them to get it down here? She can’t reach this room, she can’t give them instructions.”“Maybe she had help?” Inga asked.“Little late to ask the Vikings,” Earlinda muttered.“I wasn’t thinking of Vikings,” Inga said very quietly. ----- “It’s just redecorating,” Libertina told Urika. “All the books say to get rid of clutter. And with all the Vikings gone, that stuff just looked like an unfinished project.”“Uh huh,” Urika smiled.----- “THREE IN THE MORNING!” Thorrin shouted,[4] signaling for a turn. The wagon came to a stop on a side-street. The Fat Wednesday parade continued without them. Thorrin climbed up on the bench seat and addressed the people that had towed them here. “Everyone gets one hour to tell family advice, warnings, the location of lost treasures, or whatever. Then back to your graves!” he shouted. There was a cheer. Inga reached up to tap him on the leg. “Oh. Yeah, the time it takes to walk home doesn’t count, start the hour when you knock on your old front door.” A louder cheer followed, then they spread out in all directions, headed across Genua. Thorrin passed them a lot more energy for complete bodies. They’d been very visibly dead for the march, but he wasn’t out to give everyone nightmares.“Hey!” Carter protested. “You let the team go and we still have the wagon to get back to the villa!”“Relax,” Earlinda said. “Inga can pull this, it’s just less of a spectacle.”“Actually, I was going to leave the wagon here,” Thorrin said as he got down. “We’re not going to be here next year, so no need to save it or the decorations.”“Won’t be the weirdest thing found on the street tomorrow, I guess,” Carter said. He helped Earlinda and Inga down off the wagon. Thorrin brushed beads off of Refuge and folded her down, then joined the others.“But we still have to walk back to the villa,” Earlinda pointed out.“We get to walk THROUGH THE FESTIVAL AGAIN!” Inga corrected her excitedly.“You guys go,” Thorrin said with a yawn. “I was going to put Refuge up next to the train station. Then no one has to get up until five minutes before the train leaves.” There was an uncomfortable pause. “The coven knows where, and when Mother needs to be there.”“One of us has to be with you at all times,” Earlinda pointed out. She looked at her partner. “I have a few things to pack…”“I do, too,” Carter said.“I’ll be with you guys,” Inga told them. “If he TRIES to leave without me, I’ll chase down the train and drag it back here!” Everyone nodded at the truth in that threat. Inga led them off to the street and through the crowd. Thorrin watched them go for a second, then turned towards the station. Then he turned back. “Almost forgot.” He grabbed a double handful of beads and pocketed them for Refuge. Three months in Genua, Refuge had a proud collection of beads in her part of the basement. On the sidewalk near the entry, he unfolded her and went inside. Down in the storeroom he hung her beads on an empty hook, retrieved his pack, and went up to the .workroom. There he unpacked his manuscript and got out ink and pen. He stared at the cover. “The Incredible Life And Tragic Death of Ali The Great By Thorrin…” he read aloud. Then he stared at it some more.Then he stared at his staff. There were two bands on it. Aura resonance spells had identified the ones belonging to Tharl Eean. Further spells had identified these as her oldest. He’d carefully wrapped one silver and one gold band around the top of his staff, mostly preserving the decorative artwork on them.He went out and stared at the fire. Refuge burned merrily, maybe a little drunkenly. Thorrin smiled at her enthusiasm for the festival. The companionable silence stretched. Then he finally felt inspiration. He rushed to grab the pen and dipped it in the ink.----- Tharl Red took the news straight to his grandmother[5]. Tharl Eean was in the Long Long Long Long Hall, listening to her granddaughter’s latest saga. He knelt beside her and whispered. “He chose.”“What? What?” she asked. He told her three words. She nodded approvingly.----- “Sir?” “Yes, Drumknott?”“The Earl and Countess Baystock’s expense report came on the morning train.”“Oh, I can not WAIT to read this,” Vetinari said. He held out his hand. And got a check. “What is this?”“Was folded inside the report, sir.”“A check for ten thousand Genua dollars made on the Third Bank of Genua[6]? What is this for?”“Four times the cost of their expenses, sir. I suspect they’re hoping to get a little credit against some of the…irregularities in their mission.” He didn’t say ‘or bribe us.’ He didn’t say it so loudly that Vetinari couldn’t help but hear it.“Not a bribe,” he assured his entirely scrutable aide. “This money has to have come from the wizard.” He looked over the check to meet the man’s eyes. “Mad Wizards do not part with cash so easily.”“No Wizard parts with cash if they can help it,” Drumknott said. “Exactly. So…?”“Ah. So when they say ‘he’s not like you’d expect,’ they’re serious.” “And it’s credible,” Vetinari said, waving the paper. “Well, let’s see this expense report, then. Hmm. A suite at the Batler Waldwolf. Nice taste. And booby trapping two chairs at the Batler Waldwolf. Then safely dis-trapping two chairs when lethality was no longer required by mission parameters…” He gave his small, severe smile. “I am SO glad we didn’t have to dispose of two bodies in Bonk. There’s just no way to do it without offending someone.”----- “Why do you care about being sixth level?” Earlinda asked Thorrin, while trying to decide if Inga really had Mr. Onion.“Yeah,” Carter agreed, folding his cards and surrendering the hand. “Not like your power is waiting on promotion.”“Politics,” Thorrin said, staring at his butler. She smiled innocently, then made a show of interest in the passing landscape. They were passing through Near Uberwald, near Hambergerburg, where she’d grown up, so it seemed unlikely, but… Inga. “Recognition, if nothing else. And I get a bigger chair. Get to help guide the Order’s mission.”“Does that ever change?” “Not in a thousand years. But I get to mutter darkly about hidebound fools and stick-in-the-morgue leadership.” He sighed. “I fold.”----- It took Mother a long time to cash her helmet. Thorrin had gifted her a lot of the jewels for ready cash, so she didn’t have to. Not until she was done with it. Which gave Number Three something to do, carrying the helmet on its pillow to show it to all her witch friends. Number Two amazed them more, though, carrying the snowball around the jungle.----- Two years after they’d assisted the Countess and her party, Igor and Igor opened a package containing a dozen copies of the novel, The Incredible Life And Tragic Death of Ali The Great By Thorrin the Banded. [1] The god of gentle breezes made extravagant faces and gestures when reacting violently, so people would know he was having a violence. Otherwise he’d just be calmly told ‘watch it, you almost knocked your drink over.’ [2] Profanity is an immersive reflex. If everyone around you uses ‘ice this’ or ‘that frosting thing’ as an intensity modifier, you will eventually do it, too. Even if you’re not trying to mock… [3] Or, you know, angrily wafted softly away. With big gestures. [4] Traveling with Inga, he got better at this. Ghosts cannot tell time, so as a wizard he had to be good at it for the pride of the profession. [5] With over two hundred generations of a family in Fallhalla, it can get tedious counting the exact number of branchings involved in any relationship. Mostly, they just indicate older, younger, or about the same level on the family tree. [6] Not the best bank in Genua, but the one with a branch in Ankh-Morpork. Earlinda was a practical woman.

Description
For the Parade, slightly zombified. Which for her is dressing down for the event.

An attempt to use AI to illustrate my Discworld Fanfiction, the zombie working as a necromancer's butler..

To illustrate: Necromancer 14: At The Final EndZephyrus stared glumly at the steam rising from the board. Water coursing over that spot still hadn’t cooled the remains of the island. “You didn’t say we couldn’t use the observatory in future games,” he accused Libertina.“I asked for limitations,” she pointed out. “You said succubi, shapeshifters, sirens, and sustainments. Not islands.”“I never did like Far Sight,” Ikebana said. “No flowers.”“You SAID no flowers! When we made the place!” Pedestriana said. “I don’t remember anything like that,” the goddess of flower arranging said with a sniff. The goddess of football smiled and shook her head while Zephyrus pounded the table in frustration.[1]“Double or nothing on the Assessin?” Urika asked him with a sweet smile.“Sure,” he muttered. Then he perked up. “Provided she gets another message.”“Help yourself,” Libertina laughed, winking at Urika. Zephyrus moved a playing piece.----- The thaum resonance visualization machine’s display screen burned out during the night. No one had been watching the screen when it shattered.“Order a new one,” Ridcully said, dismissing that agenda item.“There ARE no new ones to ‘order,’ Archchancellor!” Ponder protested. “It was hand-made!”“Then make another one,” Ridcully said, still trying to just get past anything to do with the High Energy Building.“It cost us well over-““Wait,” Ridcully said, suddenly feeling involved in the project. “Exactly how necessary is this thaum resource naturalization device, anyway?”----- They took no breaks on the way to the mainland. They passed small spits of land, but kept going. There was a lighthouse on the border of Kythia and Far Uberwald, and they made straight for it. They approached their destination at sunset. Thorrin was surprised to see a clacks tower winking at the top of the lighthouse. “What the ice is that?”[2] he asked.“Listening post,” Earlinda admitted. “Listening to WHAT?” he asked. There wasn’t another semaphore tower anywhere in sight. And the mountain behind the tower meant they couldn’t be talking to the interior.“Ships,” Earlinda said. She tapped her finger in time to the lights on the clacks. “Passing ships leave messages that are rebroadcast to- Oh!”“Oh, what? Something of interest?” he asked. “Lord Currington died.”“Who’s he?”“Just someone who owes me money,” she said angrily. “Owed, I guess I should say.”“Want me to fix that?” he asked. He was not laughing. She did laugh, though. “The estate’s certainly been settled by now. Too late for him to edit the will. Though it might be fun to see the wife’s face when he walked in…”“Send me an address and a date,” he said. She reached out to clasp his hand and smile.They beached on the Kythia side. “All ashore that’s going ashore,” the Snarl called. The entire Crew followed them onto the beach, surrounding the four travelers. Inga felt Refuge should be part of this and set her up well above the waterline. The lighthouse beam crossed their position every 48 seconds. Glowing red eyes turned into people, then back to pinpoints of fire.Tharl Eean took Thorrin by the shoulders. “I cannot possibly express the extent of the favor you have done my people, Wizard. This was amazing.” She indicated the bands on her arm. “These. They show everything I’ve ever done. All my proudest moments. All my longest sagas.” She lowered her arm and swept everything off. The bands fell into a bag that Thorrin recognized as coming from Earlinda’s luggage. “For you. It is not enough. Nowhere near enough. Well done, Thorrin Carpenter.“I don’t know how much I’ll hear about you guys up here, but if I learn you started to call yourself Thorrin the Tharl’s Friend, I will not be upset.” The formation broke up. Other heroes dropped their bands, rings, bracelets in the bag. Everyone got an arm grip or a hug. Refuge got a cheer. The Snarl offered a bench to Inga. “You’ve earned it,” he said. “A lot more than some of these louts.” Many cheered agreement.“I can’t,” she said. “I kinda want to, but…” She pointed a thumb at the wizard. “Thorrin,” she said as if the name alone explained her predicament. He nodded and stepped back.Earlinda got a salute from Carl. “Ma’am, your timely, intelligent, and brave assistance-““Shut up, Carl,” she said with a sob and a smile. She hugged him close.Mother got a solid gold helmet. “We also remember you saved every one of us,” Helga told her. Thorrin was wondering where that thing had come from.The Vikings stood in formation one last time. The light passed and they were gone. The travelers stood on the shore and watched the lighthouse beam catch the boat’s progress every minute or so. With no destination but ‘Rim,’ the tiller was tied in place, everyone rowed. And with no breakable mortals on board, the oars were kicking up a rooster-tail of a wake. When they could no longer distinguish the mast, Mother went inside. “Need bath. Dinner. Bath. Sleep.” She pat her helmet. “Then home. Buy some husbands. BEEEEG husbands,” she said, stretching her hand up over her head. Then she winked. “Some tall husbands, too.”They laughed as she disappeared inside the tower. Thorrin went back to staring at the Rim. A voice came from behind him. “Thorrin? Last week you couldn’t. Or you weren’t sure. Could you this week?”“Yes,” he said instantly. “Take a while to set it up, get everything straight. But nothing’s really stopping me.” He turned, unsurprised to see that Earlinda was pointing a .pipe at him. ---- Wizard Longblade, Master of Portents and Signs, watched his students set up the telescope, aligning it as the worksheet directed. He picked one student at random. “And what do you see, Mister Thoroughfare?” The student climbed up the ladder and looked.“Vikings, sir.”“There is no constellation called The Vikings, Mr. Thoroughfare.”“I didn’t say I see a constellation, Master, you asked what I see! I see Vikings.”“What do you mean?”“A great big Dragonboat, just like in all the woodcuts. About a zillion Vikings on it, too. Just hanging there in the sky.” Longblade started climbing the ladder, going faster than he had in the last ten years.“Are they-“ he started to ask.“Oh! There’s another ship! More Vikings! They’re rowing out to meet the waiting ones. Everyone’s waving and cheering.”“Step aside, idiot!” The instructor bent to the eyepiece. Two Viking boats were indeed in view, one closing on the other. The second one didn’t have as many people on it.When they came together, both vessels turned in the same direction…and dove. “Crank the scope! Crank the scope!” he shouted. “Which way?” several students asked. But it was too late. They were lost to view. It was the most exciting thing he’d seen in the sky since the time Great A’Tuin had rolled over and eaten an approaching meteor. The stars had spun like a river going over a waterfall. This would be harder to explain, he knew.He stepped from the telescope and turned to his class. Twenty students stood with pens poised over their notebooks, waiting for the official interpretation of this portent. “Um. Well. Yes. Yes, gentlemen, that will be all.”“All for tonight, sir?”“Nope. I’m changing subjects.” Kites, he was thinking. The sun’s always up when they fly kites. Were there traditions about the portents of kite flying? Could he make some? He started drafting his research proposal in his head.----- Thorrin raised his hands, palms out, and lowered his staff to the ground, gripped in the bend of his elbow. Then he stared at the countess. “You don’t want to kill me,” he said.“Is that a threat?” she asked.“No, I mean, it’s obvious. You pointed a weapon at me while Inga is behind you. That’s not the acme of skill for a dedicated killer.”“Oh, leave me out of this,” Inga said, heaving the bracelet bag to her shoulder. She walked past them both, headed for Refuge. “Bath, dinner, another bath. After a week being hit with salt water, those sound good. Real good.” The other two stared at her as she went by. At the door, she turned. “I trust you, Earlinda.”“Don’t SAY that!”“But it’s true. And you know it.” She pulled the door shut behind her. They stood in the dark together. Every 48 seconds he saw that the pipe was pointed steadily at his forehead. And she saw he was standing quite still.“My orders are clear. You’re a threat. You have to be neutralized.”“I AM neutralized,” he protested. “I’m more afraid of my power than anyone!”“Then give up the power!”“I’m a wizard. Even if I wanted to give it up, you’d never believe me. Vetinari wouldn’t.” “True,” she agreed. “Are you going to run? I can say-““I’m far too lazy to live as Thorrin the Hunted. And I have a book to submit. To two different editors. And I think I made 6th level? Someone said so.” They stood there for another couple of light sweeps.“Tell you what I’m going to do,” he said. “I really hate traveling in winter. So I’m going to get my butt to Genua. I’ll winter there. Write my draft of Ali Awkshun Vree: His Life and Death. Let Inga see Fat Wednesday. After the festival, take trains to Ankh-Morpork. And report to my order. And show Inga a clacks. And whatever else comes up.“YOU can go on ahead. Or send your report by clacks. Or ask for backup. I’ll send word before we leave. And when we arrive.” He stepped close. “I don’t want to be a threat to the city. Maybe if I only visit every so often? Vetinari won’t have to worry about me most of the time, but can still get ahold of me if the need arises?”Another step to arm’s length before her. “But if you really, really think I have to die, Earlinda, go ahead and shoot.” She snarled and threw the pipe away. It bounced away in the dark, metal impacting a stone somewhere.“What are you doing?!” he yelled. “It might go off!”“It’s not loaded!” she shouted, maybe a little hysterically? “Inga was supposed to kill me so I didn’t have to kill you! NOW I have to face the Patrician as a failure!”“We’ll figure something out,” he promised. “Now, come on. You couldn’t leave without saying goodbye to Refuge, anyway.” He took her shoulder and gently turned her to the door. “And if we walk slowly, the other two can run upstairs and pretend they’re not watching us through the window.” She let a small laugh at that. Then said, “Mother’s already in her bath with a steak.” She froze just before stepping inside. Thorrin looked back at her from the stable. Then he turned to the ceiling. “Refuge? I really believe you’ve heard and understand everything that just happened. But I would like to make absolutely sure you know I don’t want Earlinda harmed in any way, okay?” The lights in the room flicked exactly once. A slow yes.“Sorry,” Earlinda told the sanctuary. Thorrin didn’t care that she hadn’t apologized to him, keeping Refuge happy was far more important. Then he wondered why he was holding a snowball.----- Zephyrus threw the dice away. They floated gently over the table. “You cheated!” he accused.“Succubi, shapeshifters,” Libertina said, counting on her fingers.“Nothing,” Urika said, “about members of completely separate pantheons.”“I’m sure the rulebook says,” Pedestriana started to say.“There’s no rulebook!” Libertina said. “Oh. Keep forgetting that.”“This shouldn’t count. Or maybe I’ll kill him myself!” The goddesses who owned fully-fledged pet hurricanes and blizzards stared at him, not blinking. “Gust away, little weather pattern,” Libertina goaded. He turned and stomped[3] off.----- “Okay,” Thorrin said at breakfast. “If we’re all going on together, where are we going and how are we getting there? Land or sea?”“Genua fine,” Mother said. “But plenty sea.”“What can we afford?” Earlinda asked.“HA!” Inga laughed. They stared at her. She waved vaguely towards the stairs. “The Viking treasure, I meant. We can afford anything. I thought you were joking.”“I’m not really comfortable using the bands as travel money,” Thorrin said.“Then use the other treasure!” Inga persisted.“My helmet-“ Mother protested.“Save that for the wedding. Weddings,” Earlinda corrected. “What treasure are you talking about?” Inga got up, waving them after her.Four of the stalls in Refuge’s basement were stacked with treasure. Plate, coin, chains, rings, circlets… They stared, then started asking the same question, with the same answer. “Me? I thought maybe you!”“The only thing I can think of,” Earlinda finally said, “Was when Inga let Refuge run the zombies.”“I just wanted to-““She’s not accusing you,” Thorrin assured her. “And we did say, ‘bring up treasure if you see it.’ But we were mostly joking!” he protested.“Zombie humor? Delicate? Subtext? Masters Sarcasm?” “Not really,” he had to admit. He looked at the gold, silver and jewels. “But even if they did, how did Refuge get them to get it down here? She can’t reach this room, she can’t give them instructions.”“Maybe she had help?” Inga asked.“Little late to ask the Vikings,” Earlinda muttered.“I wasn’t thinking of Vikings,” Inga said very quietly. ----- “It’s just redecorating,” Libertina told Urika. “All the books say to get rid of clutter. And with all the Vikings gone, that stuff just looked like an unfinished project.”“Uh huh,” Urika smiled.----- “THREE IN THE MORNING!” Thorrin shouted,[4] signaling for a turn. The wagon came to a stop on a side-street. The Fat Wednesday parade continued without them. Thorrin climbed up on the bench seat and addressed the people that had towed them here. “Everyone gets one hour to tell family advice, warnings, the location of lost treasures, or whatever. Then back to your graves!” he shouted. There was a cheer. Inga reached up to tap him on the leg. “Oh. Yeah, the time it takes to walk home doesn’t count, start the hour when you knock on your old front door.” A louder cheer followed, then they spread out in all directions, headed across Genua. Thorrin passed them a lot more energy for complete bodies. They’d been very visibly dead for the march, but he wasn’t out to give everyone nightmares.“Hey!” Carter protested. “You let the team go and we still have the wagon to get back to the villa!”“Relax,” Earlinda said. “Inga can pull this, it’s just less of a spectacle.”“Actually, I was going to leave the wagon here,” Thorrin said as he got down. “We’re not going to be here next year, so no need to save it or the decorations.”“Won’t be the weirdest thing found on the street tomorrow, I guess,” Carter said. He helped Earlinda and Inga down off the wagon. Thorrin brushed beads off of Refuge and folded her down, then joined the others.“But we still have to walk back to the villa,” Earlinda pointed out.“We get to walk THROUGH THE FESTIVAL AGAIN!” Inga corrected her excitedly.“You guys go,” Thorrin said with a yawn. “I was going to put Refuge up next to the train station. Then no one has to get up until five minutes before the train leaves.” There was an uncomfortable pause. “The coven knows where, and when Mother needs to be there.”“One of us has to be with you at all times,” Earlinda pointed out. She looked at her partner. “I have a few things to pack…”“I do, too,” Carter said.“I’ll be with you guys,” Inga told them. “If he TRIES to leave without me, I’ll chase down the train and drag it back here!” Everyone nodded at the truth in that threat. Inga led them off to the street and through the crowd. Thorrin watched them go for a second, then turned towards the station. Then he turned back. “Almost forgot.” He grabbed a double handful of beads and pocketed them for Refuge. Three months in Genua, Refuge had a proud collection of beads in her part of the basement. On the sidewalk near the entry, he unfolded her and went inside. Down in the storeroom he hung her beads on an empty hook, retrieved his pack, and went up to the .workroom. There he unpacked his manuscript and got out ink and pen. He stared at the cover. “The Incredible Life And Tragic Death of Ali The Great By Thorrin…” he read aloud. Then he stared at it some more.Then he stared at his staff. There were two bands on it. Aura resonance spells had identified the ones belonging to Tharl Eean. Further spells had identified these as her oldest. He’d carefully wrapped one silver and one gold band around the top of his staff, mostly preserving the decorative artwork on them.He went out and stared at the fire. Refuge burned merrily, maybe a little drunkenly. Thorrin smiled at her enthusiasm for the festival. The companionable silence stretched. Then he finally felt inspiration. He rushed to grab the pen and dipped it in the ink.----- Tharl Red took the news straight to his grandmother[5]. Tharl Eean was in the Long Long Long Long Hall, listening to her granddaughter’s latest saga. He knelt beside her and whispered. “He chose.”“What? What?” she asked. He told her three words. She nodded approvingly.----- “Sir?” “Yes, Drumknott?”“The Earl and Countess Baystock’s expense report came on the morning train.”“Oh, I can not WAIT to read this,” Vetinari said. He held out his hand. And got a check. “What is this?”“Was folded inside the report, sir.”“A check for ten thousand Genua dollars made on the Third Bank of Genua[6]? What is this for?”“Four times the cost of their expenses, sir. I suspect they’re hoping to get a little credit against some of the…irregularities in their mission.” He didn’t say ‘or bribe us.’ He didn’t say it so loudly that Vetinari couldn’t help but hear it.“Not a bribe,” he assured his entirely scrutable aide. “This money has to have come from the wizard.” He looked over the check to meet the man’s eyes. “Mad Wizards do not part with cash so easily.”“No Wizard parts with cash if they can help it,” Drumknott said. “Exactly. So…?”“Ah. So when they say ‘he’s not like you’d expect,’ they’re serious.” “And it’s credible,” Vetinari said, waving the paper. “Well, let’s see this expense report, then. Hmm. A suite at the Batler Waldwolf. Nice taste. And booby trapping two chairs at the Batler Waldwolf. Then safely dis-trapping two chairs when lethality was no longer required by mission parameters…” He gave his small, severe smile. “I am SO glad we didn’t have to dispose of two bodies in Bonk. There’s just no way to do it without offending someone.”----- “Why do you care about being sixth level?” Earlinda asked Thorrin, while trying to decide if Inga really had Mr. Onion.“Yeah,” Carter agreed, folding his cards and surrendering the hand. “Not like your power is waiting on promotion.”“Politics,” Thorrin said, staring at his butler. She smiled innocently, then made a show of interest in the passing landscape. They were passing through Near Uberwald, near Hambergerburg, where she’d grown up, so it seemed unlikely, but… Inga. “Recognition, if nothing else. And I get a bigger chair. Get to help guide the Order’s mission.”“Does that ever change?” “Not in a thousand years. But I get to mutter darkly about hidebound fools and stick-in-the-morgue leadership.” He sighed. “I fold.”----- It took Mother a long time to cash her helmet. Thorrin had gifted her a lot of the jewels for ready cash, so she didn’t have to. Not until she was done with it. Which gave Number Three something to do, carrying the helmet on its pillow to show it to all her witch friends. Number Two amazed them more, though, carrying the snowball around the jungle.----- Two years after they’d assisted the Countess and her party, Igor and Igor opened a package containing a dozen copies of the novel, The Incredible Life And Tragic Death of Ali The Great By Thorrin the Banded. [1] The god of gentle breezes made extravagant faces and gestures when reacting violently, so people would know he was having a violence. Otherwise he’d just be calmly told ‘watch it, you almost knocked your drink over.’ [2] Profanity is an immersive reflex. If everyone around you uses ‘ice this’ or ‘that frosting thing’ as an intensity modifier, you will eventually do it, too. Even if you’re not trying to mock… [3] Or, you know, angrily wafted softly away. With big gestures. [4] Traveling with Inga, he got better at this. Ghosts cannot tell time, so as a wizard he had to be good at it for the pride of the profession. [5] With over two hundred generations of a family in Fallhalla, it can get tedious counting the exact number of branchings involved in any relationship. Mostly, they just indicate older, younger, or about the same level on the family tree. [6] Not the best bank in Genua, but the one with a branch in Ankh-Morpork. Earlinda was a practical woman.