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Episode 1: Llamas With Hats
Paul: CAAAARL! THERE IS A DEAD HUMAN IN OUR HOUSE!!!

Carl: Oh…hey…How did he get here?

Paul: Caaaarl, what did you do?!

Carl: Me? Uh, I didn't do this!

Paul: Explain what happened, Carl!

Carl: I've never seen him before in my life!

Paul: Why did you kill this person, Carl?

Carl: I do not kill people. That is…that is my least favorite thing to do.

Paul: Tell me, Carl, exactly what you were doing before I came home.

Carl: Alright, well…I was upstairs…

Paul: Okay…

Carl: I was uh…I was sitting in my room…

Paul: Yes?

Carl: reading a book…

Paul: Go on…

Carl: And, uh, well this guy walked in…

Paul: Okay…

Carl: So, I went up to him…

Paul: Yes…

Carl: And I…I stabbed him 37 times in the chest.

(Silence.)

Paul: Caaaaaaaaaaaaarl, that KILLS people!

Carl: Oh! Well, I didn't know that!!

Paul: How could you not know that?!

Carl: Yeah, I'm in the wrong here. I SUCK.

(silence)
Paul: What happened to his hands?

Carl: What's that?

Paul: His hands. Why—why are they missing?

Carl: Well, I kind of umm…cooked them up. And ate them.

(silence)
Paul: Caaaaaaaaaarl!!

Carl: Well, I—I was hungry. And well, you know, when you crave hands…

Paul: Why on earth would you do that?!

Carl: I was hungry for hands! Gimme a break!

Paul: Caaaaaarl!

Carl: My stomach was making the rumblies.

Paul: Caarl!

Carl: That only hands would satisfy!

Paul: What is wrong with you, Carl?!

Carl: Well, I kill people and I eat hands! That's—that's two things!

Episode 2: Llamas With Hats
Llama: Carl! What on earth was all that?

CARL: I'm not sure what you're referring to.

Llama: You sunk an entire cruise ship, Carl!

CARL: Are you sure that was me? I, I would think I'd remember something like that.

Llama: Carl, I watched you fire a harpoon into the captain's face!

CARL: That sounds dangerous.

Llama: You were headbutting children off the ship!

CARL: That, uh... that must've been horrifying to watch!

Llama: Then you started making out with the ice sculptures!

CARL: Well, thank God that the children weren't on board to see it.

Llama: Uhh.. Carl why is the lifeboat all red and sticky?

CARL: Well I guess you could say it is red and sticky.

Llama: Caaarl, what are we standing in?

CARL: Would you believe it's strawberry milkshake?

Llama: No! I would not believe that!

CARL: Uhh, melted gumdrops?

Llama: No.

CARL: Boat nectar?

Llama: No.

CARL: Some of God's tears?

Llama: Tell me the truth Carl.

CARL: Fine. - It's the lovely elderly couple from 2B.

Llama: CAAARL!

CARL: Well they were, uh, they were taking all the croissant rolls.

Llama: I can't believe what I'm hearing!

CARL: I will not apologize for art.

Llama: Where are the other lifeboats?

CARL: Whoa! You won the prize, I didn't even notice that.

Llama: Where are the other lifeboats, Carl?

CARL: Looking at the trajectory of the moon and the sun, probably at the bottom of the

ocean. I bit lots of holes in them.

Llama: CARL!

CARL: I have a problem. I have a serious problem.

Llama: You are just, terrible today!

CARL: Shhh! D'you hear that? That's the sound of forgiveness.

Llama: That's the sound of people drowning Carl.

CARL: That is what forgiveness sounds like. Screaming and then silence.

Episode 3: Llamas With Hats
Paul: Carl, we're supposed to be on vacation.

Carl: I don't know about you but i'm having a lovely time here.

Paul: You toppled a south american government, Carl.

Carl: The people have spoken, valvata the resistance.

Paul: You pushed the resistance leader into a giant fan.

Carl: He was a traitor and a scoundrel.

Paul: He was trying to stop you from pushing other people into a giant fan. (Kick)

Carl: That was a foot i seemed to have swallowed an entire person.

Paul: That would be the hotel bartender.

Carl: Well that makes sense why my nachos taking so long.

Paul: It was horrifying, Carl, your mouth unhinged like a snake.

Carl: Wow, that sounds pretty awesome.

Paul: I can't go anywhere with you, Carl.

Carl: That hurt my feelings, now we're both in the wrong.

Paul: I wanna go home, we're leaving.

Carl: In that case i should probably mention that all our luggage is filled with orphan meat.

Paul: Wh-what?

Carl: I'm building a meat dragon and any meat won't do.

Paul: You know what? Forget it I'm not even shocked anymore.

Carl: Oh, that's no fun.

Paul: This has become the norm. for you Carl.
Carl: I'll have to try harder next time.

Paul: Please don't.

Carl: I feel like I've initiated a challenge.

Paul: Carl.

Carl: It's too late now ,you.

Paul: You?

Carl: I've totally don't know your name.

Paul: What? We've known eachother for three years, Carl.

Carl: And what an impression you've made.

Paul: My name is Paul.

Carl: What?

Paul: I said my name is Paul.

Carl: Oh, I thought you were a woman.

Paul: Why would you think that?

Carl: Mostly the hat, are you sure?

Paul: I'm sure.

Carl: Well if you excuse me i have some pictures to delete from my computer…

Episode 4: Llamas With Hats
Paul: Carl you've tracked mud all over the carpet.

Carl: Now that right there is a mess!

Paul: I just had it cleaned yesterday, Carl!

Carl: I'm not responsible for this! I've been jamming on the saxophone all morning!

Paul: Those are clearly your hoof prints Carl!

Carl: Then there is an impostor on the loose!

Paul: They lead directly to you!

Carl: Clue number one, the impostor is a phantom!

Paul: Carl, stop avoid--

BOOM

CARLL!!

Carl: Happy Birthday!

Paul: It's not...please tell me you had nothing to do with this?!

Carl: Why don't you blow out your candle?

Paul: You've gone too far this time, Carl!

Carl: What's that? It's hard to hear you over the sound of melting city.

Paul: How did you even do this?

Carl: A dollop of fairy dust!

Paul: CARL.

Carl: I ripped a tag off a mattress!

Paul: This isn't funny, Carl!
Carl: Who's laughing? Clearly not all the people who just exploded!

Paul: I'm leaving..I've had enough of this!

Carl: But think of all the perfectly roasted faces we get to munch on now!

Paul: But why!

Carl: Because were friends, and friendship is two pals munching on a well cooked face together.

Paul: That isn't friendship Carl, that's sick!

Carl: Well then you're probably not going to like your birthday decoration!

Paul: It's not even my...oh my gosh!

Carl: SURPRISE!

PAul: Ah oh uh no ah uh!

Carl: I'm sorry! I thought you liked faces. Obviously there was a miscommunication.

Paul: This awful Carl!

Carl: You're right. It's not nearly as tasteful as i pictured it in my head.

Paul: I think I'm going to throw...oh god one touched me!

Carl: This was clearly the wrong way to go.

Paul: Ya think, Carl?!

Carl: What can I say? I expected them to be cooked more. Raw face is just gross.

Paul: But that isn't the problem, Carl! Why would you think any of this is a good idea?

Carl: Probably because I'm a dangerous sociopath with a long history of violence.

Paul: Oh...

Carl: I don't understand how you keep forgetting that.

Episode 5: Llamas With Hats
Paul- Carl! I know you've done something

Carl- Whatever do you mean?

Paul- You've always done something. It's a lovely day out, we're having a good time. What have you done?

Carl- You mistake me for some sort of scoundrel.

Paul- Carl!

Carl- I am a respected member of the community… to even insinuate__

Paul- Ok Carl, so what did you do today?

Carl- Well let's see, I washed the car.

Paul- Uhuh

Carl- I made a donation to the local girl scout troop

Paul- Sure

Carl- I returned an overdue movie at Blockbuster

Paul- What else?

Carl- Hmmm, I stepped on a ladybug by accident.

Paul- Go on.

Carl- And… I baked some banana bread for our neighbor Pat. I believe that's it. Done.

Paul- That's it…

Carl- That's all I did today… Ohhhhhh

Paul- Carl! What is that?

Carl- I may have forgot to mention one of my activities.

Paul- Carl!

Carl- I apologize, that was wrong.

Paul- Explain Carl!

Carl- Well from here it looks like a weather balloon.

Paul- I'm not in the mood for this.

Carl- I think it's just a lens flare and some dust.

Paul- Just tell me Carl.

Carl- Fine, I may have created a crack in space time. Through which to collect millions of baby hands.

Paul- Huh.

Carl- What do you mean huh?

Paul- I think I was expecting worse.

Carl- Worse? But this is totally fugged bro.

Paul- I know but after last time with the nuke and the faces, it's just…

Carl- Come on, look at this. How did I even do this?

Paul- I don't understand how or why you do anything.

Carl- Do you know what it feels like to be Carl right now? It hurts. Not as much as the babies but it hurts.

Paul- Awww Carl.

Carl- What?

Paul- Why are there only hands from white babies?

Carl- Well, you know, whities gotta pay.

Paul- Ah

Carl- And the payment is baby hands.

Episode 6: Llamas With Hats
(Silence)
Carl: aren't you going to say it?

Paul: say what Carl?

Carl: THAT! My name! All offended and annoyed!

Paul: I'm leaving Carl.

Carl: What?

Paul: I'm moving out.

Carl: it's the meat conveyer isn't it... You never were a fan of modern home design.

Paul: it's a lot of things Carl!

Carl: just let me explain! (Beat) efficiency, industry, never before has so many dead bodies been so manageable.

Paul: carl!

Carl: I'm the Henry Ford of human meat.

Paul: I've already packed, I'm not coming back.

Carl: awe, come on! We haven't even gotten to the big surprise yet

Paul: I'm sure it's very upsetting.

Carl: well, now I don't even want to show you...

Paul: good! I don't want to see it

Carl: and your being a huge b hole right now.

Paul: I'm not the one shoving people into a meat grinder!

Carl: it's not a meat grinder, it's an orphan stomper!

Paul: gross!

Carl: do you know what's gross, your attitude.

Paul: are you serious?

Carl: what have I done to deserve all this b hole coming out of your mouth!

Paul: it's everything Carl! It's everything you've done! Ever!

Carl:everything? Even the time I helped Mrs. Bixby with her garden?

Paul: you buried her there!!

Carl: it's what she would have wanted.

Paul: you buried her alive!

Carl: she wasn't keeping up with the weeding! As president of the homeowners association, I had to take immediate action!

Pual: all you do is kill people Carl!

Carl: that's like saying all Mozart did was write songs.

Paul: you are completely insane!

Carl: oh, weird! That's what all these orphans said!

(Big rumble and the room shakes. A roar is then heard)

Paul: is that the surprise...?

Carl: (angry and holds out words) no...

Paul: that looks like a meat dragon, did you finish your meat dragon, Carl?

Carl: (holds out words and is still looks away mad) maybe...

Paul: (beats then sighs) it's horrifying Carl...

Carl: (a bit flattered and loosens up) thank you.

Episode 7: Llamas with hats
Sheep: (wearing a Paul mask) mmmmrrraaaaahhh!!!!

Carl: who me?

Sheep: mrah mrah mrah mrah mrah!

Carl: what ever could you be referring to?

Sheep: mrah mrah mrah mrah mrah mrah mrah!

Carl: oh the hand chair. I've recently taken up carpentry.

Sheep: mrah mrah mrah mrah mrah mrah mrah!

Carl: oh, how would you feel if I called YOUR work a monstrosity.

Sheep: mrah mrah mrah!

Carl: of course I had to use faces! Anything else would be disrespecting the art!

Sheep: mrah mrah raw mrah rawr raw raaaw!!

Carl: it's called modernism, only I've made it more modern by using face parts of city council members!

Sheep: mrrrraaaaah-mrah!

Carl: I disagree with the election results

Sheep: mrah!!

Carl: someone had to take a stand! I'm patriot, and a hero!

Sheep: mrah mrah mrah mrah mrah!

Carl: fine! If your going to whine about it, I can see if back on.

Sheep: mrah mrah mrah mrah mrah!

Carl: I hope their bodies are still in the blood canal...

Sheep: mrah mrah mrah mrah mrah!!

Carl: yes, I'm the crazy one, but not the people who elected those buffoons!

Sheep: mrah mrah mrah mrah mraaaaahh!!

Carl: if you paid any attention to our city charter meetings, you would see it wasn't an over reaction.

Sheep: (sits down) mrrraaaah!

Carl: (beats) what are you doing?

Sheep: mraaaah!

Carl: (beat and gets angry) you're sitting...

Sheep: mrah mrah mrah mrah mrah!

Carl: you never sit

Sheep: mrah mrah mrah mrah mrah!

Carl: you're always standing Paul! You're not supposed to sit.

Sheep: (lays down) mrah!

Carl: I find this very upsetting.

Sheep: mrah mrah mrah raw raw raw!

Carl: you don't even care, do you? About MY feelings!

Sheep: mrah mrah mrah mrah!

Carl: will you please stand up, paul

Sheep: (does a handstand) mraaah???!

Carl: I don't even know who you are anymore...

Sheep: mrah raw mraw mraw!

Carl: no you cannot take off the mask, it has to look right when throw you into the meat canal

Episode 8: Llamas with hats
Carl: (has pual mask around his neck) Paul, you home? Ding dong! (Guy accent) Landlord! (Accent of sloppy teenage boy) pizza delivery! (Hero voice) fire department! (Annoying voice) bank manager! You have an appointment!

Paul: what do you want Carl?

Carl: I want to be treated like a friend Paul.

Paul: we're not friends anymore!

Carl: didn't you get my apology piano?

Paul: pianos aren't supposed to bleed and scream!!

Carl: I guess it less a piano and more a statement on pianos.

Paul: why don't you go horrify someone else Carl?

Carl: I miss your grumpy face. And the mask I made hasn't worked. It's just not grump enough.

Paul:... You made a mask of my face...?

Carl: yes and speaking of which, you might want to avoid being seen by federal investigators...

Paul: Carl!!!

Carl: to some you are now known as Nikolai Sponigouph. Leader of the Russian Obion Cardell!

Paul: Go home Carl, I'm calling the police

Carl: bad idea Nikolai! And you know there isn’t a prison I can’t nibble my way out of.

Paul: I’m dialing.

Carl: oh, come on! I have nowhere to go! I burned my house down once it had enough swans inside! Then I used the rest of my savings buying the swans!

Paul: And whose fault is that?!

Carl: society! Society and the swans!

Paul: (whines) Carl? Please! I gave you every chance I could, I- I just can’t do it anymore!

Carl: what if I got you… ten million dollars cash.

Paul: you don’t have ten million dollars, Carl!

Carl: I buried a large chest of double-loons once. I could go dig that up.

Paul: no, Carl.

Carl: It was either that or my zoobooks. Either way, a lot of something in buried in a hole somewhere.

Paul: I’m putting on music Carl, I can’t listen anymore.

Carl: rude...

Paul Mask: I am sorry, flesh-me is so ungrateful Carl.

Carl: And after all we’ve been through, it’s scandalous I must say.

Paul Mask: You do wonderful things and deserve appreciation.

Carl: It’s okay… he’ll come around. As soon as the swan piano arrives.

Paul: (honking is heard, a crash, and piano keys) CCAAAARRRRRRRLL!!

Carl: you’re welcome!