HOME | DD

Description
I never thought I would say this, but it is my time to hang up my hat.
As I am stepping down as a Starborn Alignment admin, I figured I would share a few of my thoughts to those who are inevitably curious.

When I joined SA in May 2017 I was in a very different place in my life. I was a very different person back then, too. I had just come out of an abusive relationship of 13 years and I was sleeping on the floor of Denver’s one room apartment with my dog. I hadn’t even begun to realize how much healing and growing there was to do after spending literally half of my life with someone who had affected me so negatively.

I don’t think I would have grown so much without SA. SA was the first bigger internet community I ever entered, so needless to say I was more than a little lost.
Sometimes I think back and wish I could go into things quietly, to experience things gently - but I never do things a little. I can’t be passionate just a little. I’m all in, or all out. For better and for worse.
For all the good and bad, I did give it all I could. Had a good run.
It is something I try to remember; people are usually doing their best, even if their best looks different than yours.

I’m grateful that SA opened up my eyes to the abundance of just… expressions of humanity, I guess? I don’t know how long it would have taken me to figure I was trans if it wasn’t for SA. I like to think that things and people come into our lives for a reason.

SA was my escape, something I could pour all my time and devotion into when I was so unwell that getting out the front door for any reason was so difficult. During all the ups and downs and the countless times I didn’t know if I would make it at all, getting excited about it would get me out of the bed and into a new morning, and through the countless sleepless nights.

But like I said, I did a lot of growing over the years. I still don’t think I’m done - I don’t think anyone’s ever done. I have been thinking about leaving for a long time, and it's not a response to any single event, chain of events or person. It just felt too difficult and painful to let go of something I had spent so much time and effort on, something I loved so much. I have, however, finally come to accept that it is necessary for my well being to step away.
For all the good, there was a lot of anxiety and pain in it all, too. More than I think I deserve - more than I think anyone deserves.
It’s always been extremely difficult for me to feel worth anything, to set boundaries, but it’s time I drew this line. Letting go is certainly painful, but I know it’s time I quit being stubborn on principle and do what's best for me. I guess that has been the hardest lesson of them all.

I will always love SA, and cherish it as a part of my journey.
And for me, it’s crucial that I leave while I still have that love for it.

Where am I going?
All I can really say at this time is that I’ll build a new place for my heart with my partner, and hopefully I can share that with people in the future too.

Description
I never thought I would say this, but it is my time to hang up my hat.
As I am stepping down as a Starborn Alignment admin, I figured I would share a few of my thoughts to those who are inevitably curious.

When I joined SA in May 2017 I was in a very different place in my life. I was a very different person back then, too. I had just come out of an abusive relationship of 13 years and I was sleeping on the floor of Denver’s one room apartment with my dog. I hadn’t even begun to realize how much healing and growing there was to do after spending literally half of my life with someone who had affected me so negatively.

I don’t think I would have grown so much without SA. SA was the first bigger internet community I ever entered, so needless to say I was more than a little lost.
Sometimes I think back and wish I could go into things quietly, to experience things gently - but I never do things a little. I can’t be passionate just a little. I’m all in, or all out. For better and for worse.
For all the good and bad, I did give it all I could. Had a good run.
It is something I try to remember; people are usually doing their best, even if their best looks different than yours.

I’m grateful that SA opened up my eyes to the abundance of just… expressions of humanity, I guess? I don’t know how long it would have taken me to figure I was trans if it wasn’t for SA. I like to think that things and people come into our lives for a reason.

SA was my escape, something I could pour all my time and devotion into when I was so unwell that getting out the front door for any reason was so difficult. During all the ups and downs and the countless times I didn’t know if I would make it at all, getting excited about it would get me out of the bed and into a new morning, and through the countless sleepless nights.

But like I said, I did a lot of growing over the years. I still don’t think I’m done - I don’t think anyone’s ever done. I have been thinking about leaving for a long time, and it's not a response to any single event, chain of events or person. It just felt too difficult and painful to let go of something I had spent so much time and effort on, something I loved so much. I have, however, finally come to accept that it is necessary for my well being to step away.
For all the good, there was a lot of anxiety and pain in it all, too. More than I think I deserve - more than I think anyone deserves.
It’s always been extremely difficult for me to feel worth anything, to set boundaries, but it’s time I drew this line. Letting go is certainly painful, but I know it’s time I quit being stubborn on principle and do what's best for me. I guess that has been the hardest lesson of them all.

I will always love SA, and cherish it as a part of my journey.
And for me, it’s crucial that I leave while I still have that love for it.

Where am I going?
All I can really say at this time is that I’ll build a new place for my heart with my partner, and hopefully I can share that with people in the future too.