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Birthdays.
The only time people will see your name,
and greet you with a ghastly 'hbd'.
After that; Nothing.
I mean, I don't even celebrate birthdays.
EVER.
My parents stopped celebrating my birthday
ever since I was 11.
They told me to "Grow up."
I was angry at first. I even tried to
drown myself, if memory serves me right.
It's as if a little part of me died when they
said that. However, I soon realized that
it was childish and selfish of me
to do such a thing. That was when I
changed how I see everything.

I never had any lavish party, or even a small
get together with my small, shrinking group of
friends, as society name it.
Well, there was one time three years ago,
but only because I yearned for a taste of
what it was like to celebrate something.
I hated every single moment of it.

Social questions people throw like
"How are you?" or, "Already have a special someone?"
are questions people ask to merely hold up a
dull and boring conversation. If I could hold up a sign
saying "Keep away.", I would. Speaking of being social,
Facebook. The blue poisoned website which makes me
angry, depressed, jealous, and in rare cases, happy.
I would deactivate it if I could, but school-related
things hinder me to do so since it is the primary
source of lectures, homeworks and group-related activities.

My doctor have always reminded me
to stay away from it as much as possible
because based on what he gathered, "It has brought you
more bad than good. I think that emphasizes on why
you're anti-social most of the time."
Read that? I'm becoming more anti-social because of
this social networking site. Irony abounds the reason
of why Facebook was made in the first place.
I mean, the site is for "social" people ONLY.
you need to have a "social life", for you to be able
to enjoy the services offered by the site.
Either that, or you're a lurker. Like me!
Scrolling and reading posts without commenting/liking,
staying invisible offline, no cover photo nonsense,
little to no photos of self, strictly
restricting access on what people can do on your timeline.
Vaguely posting anything for days, weeks, months on end.
The very things I do in the site utterly disgusts me
and am actually considering myself to be a stalker.

The very thing I feared would happen to me.

Self-esteem. Beauty is NOT in the eye of the beholder.
It is long hair, red lips, slim body, six pack [for men], color,
and most importantly, the face.
No, beauty by the very definition given unto this generation
is what makes people stare at you in public.
Honestly, if you see someone any less than the characteristics
stated above; do you say that particular person is 'beautiful'?
'handsome'? 'cute'? No, you just ignore, then move on.
There is one show in television, when I was still on my
highschool days; an experiment.
The experiment was two women. One stunningly gorgeous, and
the other a fat woman. They were supposed to carry
a heavy bag down about a stairs no less than a hundred steps.

The result? After just a couple of steps, woman one, got help
from two guys. Woman two on the other hand received no help.
AT ALL. She walked the full hundred steps to get to the bottom.
I know AT THAT MOMENT. The world is a COLD, DEAD PLACE.
All those people saying "Beauty comes from the inside" is complete
and total nonsense.

Finally, people who say "Grow a pair.", or "Go out there and socialize."
clearly don't know what people like us are going through.
Call us pussies, weaklings, idiots and losers; It's not the
first time we've heard it. Day after day of our middleschool and highschool
lives we've been called that, and day after day we've been
publicly humiliated. By now, we are used to it.
Now, back to "Going out there and socialize", such history would
hinder us from doing so, would it not? As it is human nature
to learn, we've learned that the world is a cruel and bitter place.
Simply telling us to "Go out there", or "Ask someone out",
is not worth the risk that we just don't do it.

. . .Even if we did ask, we'd still be rejected, right?

In public, everytime someone looks at me, I always think that
"something" is wrong with my face.
And that, I never make eye contact for more than three seoncds
since it would give a person an ample time to observe
my face. Paranoid? No. Insecurity? Yes.
I don't ask for empathy. I could care less about your emotions
and reactions.

. . . But. . .

Bitterness aside, all I wanted was a gift on my birthday
to change my views on life. . .

P.S. Most sentences are exaggerated.
I'm not furious, I'm the complete opposite of that.

P.P.S I'm still taking my medication. Don't worry.
I got you at the ending though, didn't I? Love you all. Peace.

:3

note: I just saw the image on 9gag. I don't really know
who it belongs to. . .So, yeah. I don't know who to credit.
Sue me.

-R.B.