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Lying on the rigid wooden porch, staring into space, I think about how far I have drifted from myself. I am not the person I thought I would be at the age of sixteen. Or would ever end up being, in fact. I never would've imagined I would be like this, that I can do these things to myself. I feel empty with the exception of disappointment and disgust.

The late summer air, still heavy with the day's slowly cooling heat, coats me with microscopic beads of sweat. I push my hair away from my face with a sigh. It was thick and long, falling to my waist after years of patience and care. But now all I want to do is grab a pair of scissors and hack it off, because the reason I kept it so long is gone now. He doesn't want me anymore.

I warily put my hands over my eyes, expecting to meet tears, but nothing happens. I just feel hollow.
I bring my cell phone up to my face and check the time. The small luminous screen creats a faint glow around my hand in the starry night. 10:14. A month ago it would've rung by now and I would be chatting happily. What an idiot I was to believe we could make it work. What an idiot I was to not listen to him. He had tried to tell me, but I was being happily ignorant. I had fooled myself, and now I have to accept the consequences for falling for him.

"Too young." I murmur, putting the phone back into my pocket. My eyes return to blindly searching the heavens as I think. My eyes hurt with a dull pain, the result of not enough sleep and too much longing. What am I doing to myself? It's been almost a month, shouldn't I be able to end this lethargy? Ever since, my life has gone astray.

"Alina?" My mother's voice calls out into the dark. "Are you outside again?"

I tilt my head towards the bright window and stare blankly at my mother's stout silhouette. I can feel her eyes searching my face. And although light does not shine on her face, I can tell that it is creased with worry.

"Did you have dinner?" she keeps her voice low but I am still able to detect the concern that shadows every word of her question.

"Wasn't hungry." I murmur, turning back towards her.

"What about your lunch for tomorrow?" she continues "Did you pack it yet?"

I say nothing.

"I bought a box of mini chocolate donuts today, you could put some with you." She waits for a reply that doesn't come. Then hopefully adds "You still like them right?"

Sure I still like those little choco-donuts, it's just that I'm not hungry. I don't know where my appetite has gone, but nothing appeals to me. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner don't sound interesting and snacks are just a waste of time.

"Alina?"

Silence is the dominant faction of the conversation for the next minute. I turn onto my side, away from her and the warm light of home. She sways between pursuing the one-sided conversation and leaving me be. In the end, she leaves the window with a sighed goodnight.

That despairing breath tugs at my heart and for a second I consider rushing in after her and hugging her tight, assuring her that I'm alright. But I don't, I just watch the backyard bathe in the light of the moon.

I roll onto my back again and renew the pursuit of stargazing. I lay motionless, not daring to move lest I miss a shooting star, lest I miss my chance to make my wish. "James…"

*****

The blank page in front of me sits expectantly on my desk, cocooned in the soft light of my lamp. The math book is open, my pencil in hand, eraser at the ready, but my mind is elsewhere. I had a dream last night. Such a beautiful dream.

As I stare at the paper, the lines meld together and form shapes. His face, his arms, they way they curve around my body, holding me tight. My ears can hear his voice, feel his breath tickling my neck. "I miss you." He had said "I love you."

I feel a lump form in my throat. I had just dry swallowed my dream whole and now it is making me ache. A whimper escapes my lips. Why couldn't it have been real? A sob tears out. Why couldn't he have said "Be with me forever" instead of "We can't work"? My eyes leak and my vision blurs. My head crumbles into my hands and I sit at my desk sobbing and shaking. My sharp breaths sting my teeth and irritate my throat.

Beep. Beep. My clock informs me of the time. Groggily, I glance up from my despair. Five o'clock. I had taken up half an hour without realizing it. I stare at the glaring orange numbers that reminded me of the quickly approaching deadline.

Wiping away the remaining tears, I stare back at my untouched work. I have ninety minutes to do fifty math problem s and write a paper.  If I focus hard enough, I can finish the paper and half of the math assignment. But as I begin to work through the first problem, half of my brain is focused on other things.

Oh, how I've changed. Education had been at the top of my list. I had grand dreams of going to famous colleges, and for that I studied my eyes out. As soon as I got home, I'd sit down and get busy with my homework, not stopping until it was done. Then I'd take out my notes and commence in a nightly study session.

But not anymore. Now, I wake up early with half-hearted dedication in order to finish the homework that I put off the entire previous day. Forget about studying.

As I'm squeezing my last thoughts on Macbeth into my English paper, the seven o'clock alarm goes off.
I press print and wearily watch as my printer struggles in spitting out my lame excuse for an essay. These two pages are a far cry from my previous writings. Grabbing the papers and shoving them into my binder, I commence my morning.

Plugging myself into my iPod, I trudge to the bathroom. The face that stares back at me from the rectangular mirror has long lost its surprise. My cheek and jaw bones that protrude from my face have melted into familiar angles, and the dark circles have become good friends that hug my lower lids with dogged determination.

Glancing at the clock, I pick up my steps and hurriedly pull on some clothes. I rake my hair impatiently with my fingers and throw it into a ponytail. My movements slow as my fingers pass over the cool and sleek metal of my watch. I stare at the dainty thing clasped around my wrist, it's pastel green and pink numbers informing me of the slowly passing time.

//"Alina."

"Hmm?" I roll onto my stomach and watch him approach the couch.

"I bought this." James hands me a square white box, nervously glancing at me and away.

"Is this the reason why you disappeared for ten minutes just now?" I ask as I sit up and begin opening the cardboard square. Looking inside, I see a thin watch.

"Yeah, I had trouble remembering where I put it." He says as he plops down onto the couch next to me. I glance up at him, taking in his expectant eyes that search my face.

Returning my attention to the watch, I decide that with its fragile links and girly colors that it looks somewhat childish.

I cock my head to one side. "Who's it for?" I ask as I mentally count the days to my little cousin's birthday. "If it's for Natasha, then you'll have to wait another two months before you can give it to her but I think she'll like it."

He let out a sigh and threw his hands up with a small cry of exasperation.

"What's wrong?"

He took the watch from me and put it into my hand. "I guess I should begin to personalize your presents, otherwise you'll never know they're meant for you.."

"Oh." I feel my face grow pink. Inside me I give a small thanks to God that I didn't tell him that the watch was childish. He would've been disappointed. "Thank you." I smile widely and jump him with a hug. Pulling me onto his lap, he buries his face into my hair inhaling the shampoo scent he loves so much.

"Now you can't say that you don't call me because you don't notice what time it is." His minty breath tickles my ear. I hug him tighter and smile wider. \

I can still remember how he smells, that mix of cologne, work, and the sharp scent of his favorite gum. I breath in, imagining it, imagining him.

Beep, beeeeeep!

Startled out of my reverie, I pull open my shutters and see a dusty car waiting for me in the driveway.  Shannon looks at me expectantly from behind the wheel. I try and smile, but pulling up the corners of my mouth is too difficult in my current mood. I decide to go with a small wave instead before darting off to gather my remaining items for school.

"Mornin'." I mumble as I settle down into the passenger seat.

"Hey." Shannon responds, putting the car back into drive. "Sleep well?"

"Meh." A shrug indifferently. Four hours of rest has become the norm for me.

The radio fills the empty air for a few minutes before she ventures to start the conversation again.

"So, uh, do you have anything special going on today?"

"No. You?"

"There's a test in Math. I studied for it last night, but I'm still not too confident about it."

"You'll do fine." Why is she talking to me? Hasn't she noticed by now that the speed of my motor mouth has gone down to the lowest possible setting, usually stopping altogether? Why does she insist on having these forced, bland exchanges of words? It's pointless.

Come to think of it, why does she even drive me around anymore? It doesn't make sense. I don't sing along to the songs playing anymore, I don't laugh at her jokes anymore, and I rarely talk. All that joy has gone with the one I love. I sigh.

Shannon's face turns towards me. "You okay?"

I nod glumly, but in truth I was not okay. All I want to do is to crawl under the covers of my bed and forget everything. All I want to do is forget him and everything he said and did to me. Then maybe, I can live. Maybe I'll be able to become the cheerful person I once was.

We continue on our way to school in silence. I stare blankly out the window, but I can feel Shannon glancing anxiously at me from time to time. Her eyes roving over my face, silently asking for me to turn and meet her gaze. But I do nothing.