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mayleaf — Not in Harry Potter: DH
Published: 2007-08-21 14:14:30 +0000 UTC; Views: 275362; Favourites: 5293; Downloads: 2047
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Quotes/ words that should be in Harry Potter but Aren’t:- “Geez, Voldemort, stop acting so gay!”
- Fabulous
- “Bellatrix, stop groping me. Just…just…go stand over there.”
- “Tell me Lucius, who’s the prettiest ballerina of them all?” Voldemort gave a cold smile at the clearly horrified man.
- “Sooo, what’s REALLY going on between his lordship and that snake, hmm?”
-“Wait a minute,” Harry said. “You want me to put this Snitch where now?”
- “What we need,” Voldemort mused, “is some sort of sign that people can rally around. To keep the masses happy and unrebellious.” Snape gasped. “You mean-” “Yes.” Voldemort allowed a vicious, cold smile to play upon his lips. “What the Death Eaters need, is a theme song.”
- “NO, DAMMIT! I DON’T CARE IF THE POTTER BOY’S BEEN FOUND! AMERICAN IDOL IS ON!”
- “One of you go see if the boy is alive. No, don’t poke him with that, Fenrir!”
- Flirtatious
- Glittery
- Pedophilic
-“Damn that Malfoy boy is sexy.” “GINNY!” “What, I was just saying-”
- Hoshit!
- “Harry Potter, you pathetic twit. Come here so I can smack you properly.”
- “GODDAMMIT, now is not the time for that! We are out here, risking our lives and fighting off Death Eaters, and they are making-out in a girls’ restroom?”
- “Sucks for you, Harry!”
- “Well, the mushrooms looked edible!”
- “Kreacher, how exactly do you snog a pair of trousers? Wait-Don’t answer tha-KREACHER, NOOO!”
-“My Lord, with all due respect, if you do not undo whatever you did to my hair in the next FIVE SECONDS, your eyes won’t be the only things that are slitted.”
- Freaking
-Voldemort rushed on through the night towards his last Horcrux, a crazed look in his eyes. Potter had gotten the ring, he had gotten the locket, but Voldemort would be damned if the blasted boy was going to lay one finger on his bunny slippers!
-“Perhaps Draco will baby-sit the cubs!” “Does Lucius Malfoy have to curse a bitch?”
- “Screw guarding Sirius Black’s old house; let’s go get drunk!”
- “What are you doing here?” Harry asked, bewildered. Draco spun around, did a double-take, then glared at Harry and made an obscene hand gesture.
- “HERMIONE! HERMIONE! HERMIO-” Ron was cut off suddenly when Harry smacked him and yelled “For God’s sake, SHUT THE HELL UP!”
- “I’ll get you, Harry Potter, and your little owl, too!”
-“Snape has a female patronus? Alright, Severus, what aren’t you telling us?”
- Voldemort glared angrily at the house-elf carrying the offending meal. “The Dark Lord,” he explained slowly, “does NOT eat muffins!”
-“Why? Why isn’t it possible?” The Dark Lord raged at his cowering victim. “Tell me WHY!” He snarled as he paced furiously. “My lord, have you considered the possibility that you’re taking your loss to this muggle game a bit too seriously?” Lucius Malfoy offered meekly. “NO I’M NOT TAKING IT TOO SERIOUSLY!” Voldemort roared. “IF I AM TO HAVE A WEAKNESS, IT IS NOT GOING TO BE DDR!”
- “Kreacher angry! Kreacher SMASH!”
-Ron, Hermione, and Harry all stood around the body of their fallen foe. “So, whadda’ya reckon?” Ron asked, gazing at the lifeless form of Voldemort. “Boxers or briefs?”
- And thus, Harry never did get a high school education.
- Victor Krum was one sexually frustrated Quidditch Champion.
- The Boy Who Continued to Live nearly died with laughter when the Malfoys turned up to their disciplinary hearing. Lucius Malfoy was wearing a tux, complete with top hat and cane, while his wife wore a pale blue satin ball gown with elbow-length gloves. Draco was wearing blue jeans and a black tee-shirt that said “I was forced to try and kill Albus Dumbledore, I had to put up with Snape for seven years, the Ministry raided my house more times than I have fingers, I couldn’t get away from Delores Umbrage, Death Eaters moved into my house, Voldemort made fun of me and my family, I had to hurt people to stop my parents from being killed, I watched my Mom and Dad tortured, my wand was stolen, I still haven’t won a Quidditch game against Harry Potter, and all I got was this lousy tattoo, and even that went away after Voldemort’s downfall.” It was the start of a long and lasting friendship.
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Comments: 2584
This is brilliant. The fact that it's your first deviation makes it all the more so, because of how it's been accepted. I applaud you. *clap*
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I would have loved to have Ron's "boxers/briefs"-thing as something like an outtake at the end of the book
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Oh my gosh! They should have put this in! x3
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Some of those would be really awesome in the book.
I like that for example when Ginny calls Malfoy sexy. I even could imagine that to be really in the book (and Ron's reaction to that would be great surely).
“Yes.” Voldemort allowed a vicious, cold smile to play upon his lips. “What the Death Eaters need, is a theme song.” That really made me laugh xD
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Sorry for the weird thing at the end! I don't know what happened! ???
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Bunny slippers!!!!OMG that was awesome,I mean all of it is awesome men it's hard to type and laugh at the same time!!!
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yeah,they need a theme song xDD
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"Does Lucius Malfoy have to curse a bitch?"
I DIED.
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Draco's T-shirt! 
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lohohohoohve it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Oh my god, they do need a theme song! and hoshit was just to funny!
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Oh.My.GAAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA......*has a siezure*
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Oh this is good! I like the last one, and the one about ddr, the bunny slippers make for one interesting image, and the one about voldemort being the prettiest ballerina of them all honestly terrifies me!
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Something else that should have been in Harry Potter: a Chair Fight! And skittles. Lots and lots of Skittles.
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SHIT YES!!!! Did you know that Ron said crap, like, twice in the third book?? BUT BESIDES THAT, HOLY SHIT IM DYING!!!!!!!
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I almost passed out from laughing so hard, thanks for being to awesome
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OMG I just died laughing.
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I LOVE THAT LAST ONE! Question: How tiny was the printing on that shirt for him to wear it all? Besides, it has his entire defense on it! XD
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HOLY IGUANA CAKES THIS IS AWESOME!
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Voldemort rushed on through the night towards his last Horcrux, a crazed look in his eyes. Potter had gotten the ring, he had gotten the locket, but Voldemort would be damned if the blasted boy was going to lay one finger on his bunny slippers!
“HERMIONE! HERMIONE! HERMIO-” Ron was cut off suddenly when Harry smacked him and yelled “For God’s sake, SHUT THE HELL UP!”
LOL
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omg this is fricken hilarious! i just died of laughing so much
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dude these are awesome!
"i'll get you Harry Potter and your little owl too!"
i was tottaly laughing!
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Im sorry, it's kinda hard to be gentle about this but I can't. It was too AWESOME
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im new, how exactly do we favorite a fic?
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There's a green bar somewhere on the right hand side of the art/writing which says: "Add to Favourites"
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love it, it is so hilarious my favorite quote is - “HERMIONE! HERMIONE! HERMIO-” Ron was cut off suddenly when Harry smacked him and yelled “For God’s sake, SHUT THE HELL UP!”
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oh my fuck that is hilarious.
my favourite has got to be the first quote you put there. "geez, voldemort, stop acting so gay!"
xD
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Maybe you should rewrite the Harry Potter books with all these awesome ideas!
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amezing! the last one is hilarious!!!!!!!
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Hahaha made me laugh. That last one should so be in there XD
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A few days ago, I received an e-mail from someone I had never met. I was having my butler (Yes, butler. Blow me.) read my inbox to me as I busied myself with a book across the room. He told me that it did not appear to be a spam message or something with a virus, so I asked him to open it. It was a long one, telling quite a story about a monster who kills with fear, but only those who look at it.
Apparently it comes to your bedside on three consecutive nights, on the first to merely trying to rouse you by placing a claw on your chest, but on the third night screaming at you to wake up. The message stated that its victims had all been found with no determinable cause of death, just that they were completely frozen with wide eyes and a horrified expression. At the end of the letter, the writer explained that the demon, monster, ghost, whatever it is, can be delayed by telling people about it; hence the email.
I chuckled.
Now, I had received my fair share of chain letters, but this one piqued my interest. What was this person on about? They didn't appear to be selling anything or playing on people superstitions, so I guess they were simply trying to frighten as many people as they could, just for shits and giggles. I had Fredrick (my butler) delete the email and shut down the computer. This person had failed to scare me, and whether they knew it or not, I was amused. I knew there was no such thing as monsters, especially one that had to obey such a silly rule as this one.
I was wrong.
Two days later, my parents found Fredrick in his quarters, stiff as a board with eyes wider than Tara Reid's mantrap. The paramedics couldn't find anything; they said he must have had a heart attack in his sleep or merely died of old age. But I knew differently. It had come for him. It had taken my butler's life by force. It was real and now it was coming for me. Strangely, though, I wasn't afraid. I didn't spend the rest of that day in a mortified stupor, twitching in my room like a beaten dog. No, I was perfectly calm.
There was a reason for that.
That night it came for me. I heard my bedroom door swing open. I felt the sudden breeze and change in the room temperature. I kept my eyes closed as if it mattered. I could sense it slowly advancing across my bedroom floor toward my bed. My acute hearing could almost detect the sound of the carpet fibers bending under its weight. I felt it reach across my form to press on my chest. Without hesitation, I sat up and 'looked' this thing right what I assumed was its face.
It was the most awkward pause you can imagine.
"W- Why aren't you dead...?", I heard it say with a raspy, yet somehow gurgling voice. "Because...", I said confidently, "... I still haven't seen you, I haven't seen anything in my entire life." I felt the creature take a step back in shock, which I found ironic; scaring the monster who kills with fear. "That isn't right! It's not fair!", it said. "It's just as fair as taking away a friendly old butler, or anyone for that matter.".
I felt him... her... it... whatever look at the floor, trying to cope with being denied. He lost it. Suddenly, it was stomping around my room, throwing books and other things to the floor in a fit of rage. Finally, he threw himself through my window and made it into the night. I felt my way over to the broken window and leaned out to yell after him.
"YOU MAD, BRO?"
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Bahaha.
Pure genius.
Hats off to you.
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