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MerlynHawk — The One Tree
#asabovesobelow #birth #branches #cosmos #death #love #rain #roots #sorrow #stars #wind #lightning #trees #yggdrasil
Published: 2019-05-17 14:39:09 +0000 UTC; Views: 960; Favourites: 14; Downloads: 0
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Description
The One TreeBefore the coming of humanity stood the One Tree. It was the sentinel of what was to come, what was to survive, and what would not.
It has endured lightning strikes, cyclonic winds, and drunk deeply of every drop of rain.
It has seen and felt each and every birth and death, each and every longing, each and every joy, sorrow, and disregarded feeling.
Every leaf is a life lived; sprouting at birth and falling at death.
It still stands as the soul of the earth, its roots digging as deep as its branches reach high.
As its branches reach skyward, its leaves shine silver and gold among the stars.
The halo of its glow creates the light of the cosmos and can be felt by each being within its sphere but only if it is sought after and cherished.
To touch the essence of the One Tree you must be still and seek the balance of ‘as above, so below’ and dream its impossible dream of peace within, and so without.
And so sleep the peace of the One tree.
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Comments: 1
Lovely work and an excellent idea you've got going!
My comments for an even better poem, since you asked for critique:
- The line "...what was to come, what was to survive, and what would not." would have even more of an impact, I think, if the points made in the sentence contrasted more. Perhaps "...what was to come, what was to go, and what was to remain/survive." would be better?
- I think the line, " ...drunk deeply of every drop of rain..." would flow more smoothly with the word "raindrops". The repetition of the word "of" makes it a little clunky.
- Like the first point, the line "...roots digging as deep as its branches reach high." would hit harder with more contrast. Adding "down" after "...roots digging as deep..." would do that nicely.
- I feel like the 7th line comes off as a little too long. Splitting it into two or more shorter sentences, or adding a few more commas would do it good. Perhaps something like "The halo of its glow creates the light of the cosmos, felt by every being within its sphere and only if it is cherished and sought after."
- The 8th line uses "and" a few too many times. I think breaking it up like earlier would help it flow better.
- This last one might just be me misinterpreting it, but is it supposed to be "sleep", as in telling the reader to "sleep"? Or is it supposed to be "sleeps", meaning the tree continues its peaceful slumber?
I apologise if some of this comes of as petty, but nevertheless I wish you the best in your writing endeavours and in the contest!
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