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Before we spoke, my heart raced. My mind was running over the upcoming conversation with a mix of excitement, fear and not a small amount of uncertainty.
I held my breath when the phone rang.
During the conversation I felt at war with myself. Wanting to hear you, wanting to let go and please you in my actions, and gain pleasure for myself in the interim, and yet feeling I shouldn't be doing that. The words leap of faith kept turning over in my head, along with its only a phone call and I can stop if I choose. And then the voices in my head ceased, I only heard one, and it was yours. My heart pounded, my skin tingled, and I felt alive. I let go. It was an amazing and freeing feeling. Everything but the moment dropped from my consciousness.
Then it was over, for a while, my body stilled hummed, I could still hear the resonance of your voice, the soft directives, the shiver as I remembered clearly the feeling of giving control, and not fearing for a few moments. My head, that nagging voice eventually came back and I felt guilt. Guilt that I hadn't waited longer to have that call, that I had given to easily or too much of myself and would be thought of as less for it. Fear walks hand in hand with guilt, and rears its head in the form of doubt, doubt that I had done the right thing, doubt that I would hear from you again, doubt that I am capable of judging on my own what is right and what is not. And then I remembered the feeling of flying, of letting go and the wonder of KNOWING it was right and the voices of guilt, fear and doubt were silenced again for a short while, and my body ached for more.