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Description
I am cute and sweet but sometimes I feel like I am a bitch. Maybe I am? I'm not so sure what is wrong with me honestly, I wish I knew. All I know for sure are the good things in me. I try to believe I know what is it that makes hurt and upset people. I should just calm down and stop overthinking about it. Everyone has ugly parts to their personalities but... I really just want to be a good girl. I know I was at some point, I feel like I am a better person too! But... there's no proof really. I must be missing something. I know for a fact I look past that ugliness but I keep getting hurt. It makes me happy it hurts because I care but it is not a nice realization of being secluded from the people you wanted to be around with. Now that I am popping up everywhere in the desert, young boys... LIKE 10 year olds, they are too kind to me. When I am skating they are just talking to me about girl probs and all their other stuff going on. They hardly know me though! Like-- I ... am not such a great person. I throw tantrums like a five year old, I get really mad when I don't get the attention like the hogger I am, and I am vegetarian! People struggle when we go out to eat because of me. I feel like I am such a heavy lump to people's lives. People think I am slow and dumb or act cute. I never wanted to become cute! I REALLY NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD-- but things just come to you and you gotta work with it. I accept it now-- uh, its just a color man, pink is cute. I have been getting ready for my new summer break. I have been cramming down the books. I WAS GOING TO get an official job but I really like dog sitting so... yeh. I am happy to take care of dogs for cash-- especially cuz I know doggy CPR. but --
I am supposed to be taking time to distress. But-- I get kinda lonely. I've been told multiple times to date and I am no longer uncomfortable about the idea. It's just... I am not interested. like--- it is starting to hurt... I feel like I am not able to find attraction at all. I feel sad I have expectations or something like that for such things. I just know what I want and dating people without anyone in mind I wanna date just feels awful!

DO I LIKE GIRLS? BOYS? ANY PERSON?!... POTS AND PANS?

I don't care anymore. I just don't want to be alone, ya know? I just want to have slushies and play games with someone. Talk about stuff and have trust-- I guess I really want to have a strong bond. I just am not that ideal though... I just can't find the person to be with like that. I don't even know if that is dating... I just want company... to see... them and want to try harder and feel tickle pink. I just get told that is super childish and never going to happen.

I don't... think so. It happened before... and I am hopeful! Even if I am sad about it all... we never know what can happen! And it is marvelous! I just... need to be reminded that I am a good person sometimes. I understand how pathetic and weird it is... but... I sometimes feel like I don't matter. I also know one should never victimize themselves for attention. That is super serious... honestly, parents really need to think twice before having kids. I know my parents really hurt me. And that hurt made me very clingy... like I needed someone to prove they care. I never knew that can hurt others too... I became educated on that but alone. No one told me what it was that was wrong... I learned from experiences and I dragged my ass to classes for it. Read books and such-- never did I ever feel... like a manipulative bitch.

Why do people think I'm good? I am not... I hurt and am reckless because I am hurting. Not a justification, ya know? Knowing this and seeing nobody wants me overwhelms me. I just want somebody to get to know me. I... know I don't deserve it but I really need this. I know those kids must trust me because I seem approachable and respond appropriately. But... damn guys... I-...I'm just a sad 20 year old with a jacked up car, bad slushie addiction, and college med student. I have a terrible family! THEY SUCK- so much but... no one will ever understand them like I do. Not like I wanna be with them but I know they would fall apart without me. And that's more than okay with me... to be needed... its a wonderful feeling! I do my best! I clean, cook, consul them, even pay the bills! Attentive, nice, helpful-- these can change people! And It takes years but I've seen it. I am so proud of how things changed... yeah, they still are all assholes but they are better than before. I don't cry every time now when they talk shit about me. Because I know what is true about me. Took long enough for me to be my own cheerleader and representative but... I doubt myself a lot.

I just needed to talk to someone, sorry to body slam you guys with my personal issues. I- kinda did not have anyone available to talk to and this has been helpful. Thanks folks for listening to an old lady ramble off.

*chews on crunchwrap* I can't handle shit--

Description
I am cute and sweet but sometimes I feel like I am a bitch. Maybe I am? I'm not so sure what is wrong with me honestly, I wish I knew. All I know for sure are the good things in me. I try to believe I know what is it that makes hurt and upset people. I should just calm down and stop overthinking about it. Everyone has ugly parts to their personalities but... I really just want to be a good girl. I know I was at some point, I feel like I am a better person too! But... there's no proof really. I must be missing something. I know for a fact I look past that ugliness but I keep getting hurt. It makes me happy it hurts because I care but it is not a nice realization of being secluded from the people you wanted to be around with. Now that I am popping up everywhere in the desert, young boys... LIKE 10 year olds, they are too kind to me. When I am skating they are just talking to me about girl probs and all their other stuff going on. They hardly know me though! Like-- I ... am not such a great person. I throw tantrums like a five year old, I get really mad when I don't get the attention like the hogger I am, and I am vegetarian! People struggle when we go out to eat because of me. I feel like I am such a heavy lump to people's lives. People think I am slow and dumb or act cute. I never wanted to become cute! I REALLY NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD-- but things just come to you and you gotta work with it. I accept it now-- uh, its just a color man, pink is cute. I have been getting ready for my new summer break. I have been cramming down the books. I WAS GOING TO get an official job but I really like dog sitting so... yeh. I am happy to take care of dogs for cash-- especially cuz I know doggy CPR. but --
I am supposed to be taking time to distress. But-- I get kinda lonely. I've been told multiple times to date and I am no longer uncomfortable about the idea. It's just... I am not interested. like--- it is starting to hurt... I feel like I am not able to find attraction at all. I feel sad I have expectations or something like that for such things. I just know what I want and dating people without anyone in mind I wanna date just feels awful!

DO I LIKE GIRLS? BOYS? ANY PERSON?!... POTS AND PANS?

I don't care anymore. I just don't want to be alone, ya know? I just want to have slushies and play games with someone. Talk about stuff and have trust-- I guess I really want to have a strong bond. I just am not that ideal though... I just can't find the person to be with like that. I don't even know if that is dating... I just want company... to see... them and want to try harder and feel tickle pink. I just get told that is super childish and never going to happen.

I don't... think so. It happened before... and I am hopeful! Even if I am sad about it all... we never know what can happen! And it is marvelous! I just... need to be reminded that I am a good person sometimes. I understand how pathetic and weird it is... but... I sometimes feel like I don't matter. I also know one should never victimize themselves for attention. That is super serious... honestly, parents really need to think twice before having kids. I know my parents really hurt me. And that hurt made me very clingy... like I needed someone to prove they care. I never knew that can hurt others too... I became educated on that but alone. No one told me what it was that was wrong... I learned from experiences and I dragged my ass to classes for it. Read books and such-- never did I ever feel... like a manipulative bitch.

Why do people think I'm good? I am not... I hurt and am reckless because I am hurting. Not a justification, ya know? Knowing this and seeing nobody wants me overwhelms me. I just want somebody to get to know me. I... know I don't deserve it but I really need this. I know those kids must trust me because I seem approachable and respond appropriately. But... damn guys... I-...I'm just a sad 20 year old with a jacked up car, bad slushie addiction, and college med student. I have a terrible family! THEY SUCK- so much but... no one will ever understand them like I do. Not like I wanna be with them but I know they would fall apart without me. And that's more than okay with me... to be needed... its a wonderful feeling! I do my best! I clean, cook, consul them, even pay the bills! Attentive, nice, helpful-- these can change people! And It takes years but I've seen it. I am so proud of how things changed... yeah, they still are all assholes but they are better than before. I don't cry every time now when they talk shit about me. Because I know what is true about me. Took long enough for me to be my own cheerleader and representative but... I doubt myself a lot.

I just needed to talk to someone, sorry to body slam you guys with my personal issues. I- kinda did not have anyone available to talk to and this has been helpful. Thanks folks for listening to an old lady ramble off.

*chews on crunchwrap* I can't handle shit--