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In order to fully understand the underlying thought process going on in my head, one would have to know my past- what I've been through, and how my failure to deal with it has affected me.  As an 18 year old college student, I was convinced I'd figured it all out.  Or at least, that's what I wanted everyone to believe.  Deep down, I still felt like an insecure teenager, never sure exactly how to react to the situations I found myself in.  But I was lucky, no matter how far in over my head I got, I usually was able to escape unscathed.  Until, that is, Thanksgiving rolled around.

My friends and I had gone dancing in the city at an 18 and over club, then retired to a hotel room to drink and eventually pass out.  I never thought I'd have to be on alert in a room full of friends.  Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined I'd be waking up to a guy I'd just met, laying on top of me, hand over my mouth, taking advantage of me to the fullest degree.  Now, although I wasn't a virgin, I'd only had sex once - which had been a drunken mistake.  And after that night in the city, I decided I had no desire to have sex again.

I never told anyone what happened to me, besides a couple of my closest friends - none of whom seemed to take the situation very seriously.  So I decided if they didn't care, neither did I.  I buried it deep inside and continued my non stop partying lifestyle- drinking on a weekly basis and getting stoned on a daily basis.  It helped numb the pain.  I was careful to stay away from guys, I cared very little for them or the idea of sex, which seemed to me more like a duty than a pleasure.

But eventually one guy found his way into my heart.  I was surprised at how happy he made me, it had been a long time since anyone caused me to feel butterflies.  I knew he was different, and I began to fall for him, but still dealing with my issues, I was cautious.  When he asked me to be his girlfriend, I hesitated.  He was a very sexual guy, and I knew he was extremely experienced in contrast to my few sexual experiences.  I was afraid that if I didn't keep him satisfied, he would leave me.  But I decided to take a chance, and agreed to go out with him.

It was after just a week or so of dating that I found myself in my room with him making out on my bed.  He was such a passionate kisser, and knew just how to turn me on with the slightest touch.  I loved it, but was worried he simply wasn't satisfied enough.  So inbetween kisses, I leaned to whisper in his ear if he wanted to go further- to have sex.  He paused and looked me in the eyes deeply and asked me if it was what I wanted.  Holding my fear at bay, I smiled and nodded - I've always been a good liar.

We contined to kiss, but this time we were slowly losing our clothes.  First his shirt, then mine.  Then his jeans, then my shorts.  Until we were at our most vulnerable, laying togeter in my bed.  The condom was slipped on, and I couldn't breath.  I was suffocating under the weight of my racing thoughts.  I felt like crying, but tried burying my feelings under the thought of how much I wanted to keep him around.

It was then I realized the progression had slowed.  He held my naked body against his, his touch tender upon my skin, and kissed me slowly.  He paused and looked me in the eyes, again so deeply.  I could feel him looking, trying to find me under the lies I was spinning for us.  He kissed me again, softly.  Taking off the condom, he held me close, his warmth enveloping me.  I didn't let him see how relieved I was, but I think he knew despite my attempts.

And something happened in that moment he decided not to take it further.  Never before had I thought a guy would say no, especially after having gone so far.  But because he did, he helped heal a part of me.  I can't truly explain it, but he helped show me a different side of sex.  That it doesn't have to be a duty, that it's not just a mindless act.  He showed me that part of it is about being vulnerable with another person, showing them that side of you, and being comfortable with them.  Being so close to another, all barriers are torn down.

We spent the night together, his arms around my slight frame, holding me protectively.  And when we woke up the next morning, we were closer than if there had been any other outcome.

He said no.  And with that, he fixed me.