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oldest-boy — smoke break
Published: 2008-10-27 14:56:45 +0000 UTC; Views: 1799; Favourites: 38; Downloads: 17
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Description they smoke and compare lies,
     dozens of them,

a mile from here it would appear a house was burning to the ground,
     but no,

no short in electrical wires,
no gas leak,
no child playing with matches,
no candle left burning on an antique table,

just a cancer contest,

     with tall tales told,
     the way trophies are held,
     almost proud enough to carry themselves,
     and each other,
     in clouds of laughter,
     with each validating puff,
     creating a plasma of reassurance,
     blown against the backs awaiting pats,
     the likes of which would remind them
     they are still 'marlboro' men,

one picks up transvestite prostitutes, after drinking himself retarded and beating his wife for writing depressing poems about their garbage bag of a marriage,

one power-trips the days away at his 'rent-a-cop' security job and stumbles along the thin line between heroin over-dose and the perfect high, to distract himself from good reasons to commit suicide,

another rents 'barney' and 'blues clues' movies from 'block-buster video' to enjoy a lengthy parenting conversation with the clerk, before going home to molest his niece, who flinches away from his hand like an abused house cat,

the rest of them,
     do nothing,
     but live life,
     like one big smoke break conversation,
     fabricating a past
     that never happened,
     between the coughs,
     and occaisional comments,
     such as,

Did you see the game?
Related content
Comments: 143

liveandreloaded [2009-05-12 02:16:48 +0000 UTC]

good piece of writing but I dont know whose side your're taking, the smokers or the non-smokers

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

oldest-boy In reply to liveandreloaded [2009-05-14 00:22:56 +0000 UTC]

I'm equally hating everyone.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

liveandreloaded In reply to oldest-boy [2009-05-14 12:13:14 +0000 UTC]

that's cool

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

midori0complex [2008-12-30 07:32:26 +0000 UTC]

-chills-

the good kind.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

oldest-boy In reply to midori0complex [2008-12-30 12:49:56 +0000 UTC]

thanks for reading.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

iheartsummer [2008-11-25 19:20:25 +0000 UTC]

This is quite honestly one of the most affecting, insightful and honest poems I've ever read.


You should publish this. Seriously.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

oldest-boy In reply to iheartsummer [2008-11-25 21:36:04 +0000 UTC]

if i was a publisher, i might.

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iheartsummer In reply to oldest-boy [2008-11-26 01:16:44 +0000 UTC]



What is with you dA writers?
I meant SEND it to one.
Have you ever tried?

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oldest-boy In reply to iheartsummer [2008-11-26 01:27:27 +0000 UTC]

nope, i always thought
a publisher would kick my door in
and say

"HEY I GOT YOUR ADRESS
FROM YOUR DEVIANTART JOURNAL!!!

PACK YOUR BAGS YOU'RE GOING
TO MOVE INTO A CRAP BOX APARTMENT
WITH A TYPE WRITER AND BOOZE
AND BECOME THE NEXY BUKOWSKI*^%*^#&%#"

"HERES 10 GRAND AND A CASE OF INK!"

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

iheartsummer In reply to oldest-boy [2008-11-26 02:02:08 +0000 UTC]



Okay, seriously, what is the dA obsession with Bukowski?
I mean yeah, he was good and all, but so were a thousand others.

Fuck Bukowski.
Be the first you.

Try for the publishing. You're good.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

oldest-boy In reply to iheartsummer [2008-11-26 14:09:22 +0000 UTC]

it was sarcasm....


but your words
bring my blood
closer to my skin.

thank you

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

iheartsummer In reply to oldest-boy [2008-11-26 21:16:42 +0000 UTC]

I'm just saying, I think this site could be accurately renamed "bukowskiworship.com".

You're welcome, btw. And I mentioned you on my Facebook (along with estallidos). Hope you don't mind.


***You should start a fanpage on Facebook. A lot of deviants have one.

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oldest-boy In reply to iheartsummer [2008-11-26 21:52:39 +0000 UTC]

i just might, i have a facebook page.

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iheartsummer In reply to oldest-boy [2008-11-26 21:58:12 +0000 UTC]

Make an Artist page and post the link on your dA page--telling people on my Facebook to go visit dA is not as easy as posting your Facebook Artist page.
Ya know?
Plus, I only have like 17 friends on there or something.

God, that was wordy.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

luckylisa [2008-11-23 02:01:44 +0000 UTC]

"before going home to molest his niece, who flinches away from his hand like an abused house cat,"

ahhh... funny how your past arises in others poetry so well. great poem

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

oldest-boy In reply to luckylisa [2008-11-23 02:03:02 +0000 UTC]

thank you.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

luckylisa In reply to oldest-boy [2008-11-23 02:10:39 +0000 UTC]

just stating facts

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Squarix [2008-11-10 13:58:56 +0000 UTC]

I was referred to this page by ~KilCillian - apparently she has good taste.

I especially loved the line about the house-cat, it made me shudder.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

oldest-boy In reply to Squarix [2008-11-10 14:29:07 +0000 UTC]

thank you for reading...


much obliged.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

Nextrockangel [2008-11-01 20:57:54 +0000 UTC]

Wow this one really is amazing! I have never read poems like these before.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

oldest-boy In reply to Nextrockangel [2008-11-01 21:01:04 +0000 UTC]

thank you,

very much.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Nextrockangel In reply to oldest-boy [2008-11-01 21:02:25 +0000 UTC]

Smilies are a little annoying but I'm not quite sure what else to say. You're welcome.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

EmiliAnn [2008-10-31 03:50:35 +0000 UTC]

whoa.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

oldest-boy In reply to EmiliAnn [2008-10-31 17:41:43 +0000 UTC]


if that's you on your icon,
you'z a cutie.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

EmiliAnn In reply to oldest-boy [2008-10-31 23:13:59 +0000 UTC]

it is...
thank you!

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oldest-boy In reply to EmiliAnn [2008-11-01 18:28:24 +0000 UTC]

you're welcome.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

vampireknightfan [2008-10-31 00:50:24 +0000 UTC]

wow...good...really good...did i mention that i thought it was fucking awesome?!

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

oldest-boy In reply to vampireknightfan [2008-10-31 00:51:40 +0000 UTC]

haha, thank you

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

vampireknightfan In reply to oldest-boy [2008-10-31 00:58:47 +0000 UTC]

your welcome...

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

jerian23 [2008-10-30 22:19:04 +0000 UTC]

this is sad
and raw
but beautiful in a weirdly twisted way
good work

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

oldest-boy In reply to jerian23 [2008-10-30 22:41:19 +0000 UTC]

thanks doll'

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

jerian23 In reply to oldest-boy [2008-10-30 22:57:38 +0000 UTC]

your welcome hon

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

oldest-boy In reply to jerian23 [2008-10-31 00:20:48 +0000 UTC]

<3

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

jerian23 In reply to oldest-boy [2008-10-31 00:29:41 +0000 UTC]

you give your heart away in these poems
the least i can do is give you a half-way decent comment
dani

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

oldest-boy In reply to jerian23 [2008-10-31 00:30:49 +0000 UTC]

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

cordieb [2008-10-30 18:23:40 +0000 UTC]

Wow this one envoked emotions on a level I seldom read/hear. The staged normalcy of disfunctional people who are part of our everyday lives. The coping mechanisms which obviously are not effective enough to stop the hurt and pain. The flow is suspenseful - quite powerful. I read it over three times. Each time felt another connection to that man next door who stops at the neighborhood bar each evening shooting the shi*; only to return to his real life after departing. . . .

Thanks for creating and sharing!

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

oldest-boy In reply to cordieb [2008-10-30 18:31:11 +0000 UTC]

thank you, that was a very warm comment, i truelly hope you check out some of my other works.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

Bexel100 [2008-10-30 15:51:24 +0000 UTC]

Hmm, hmm, hmm.. Well I should say the flow of this piece isn't quite as good as some of your others, though in some respects I can see the purpose of that. Still, I believe I would be tempted to call this prose rather than poetry.

one picks up transvestite prostitutes, after drinking himself retarded and beating his wife for writing depressing poems about their garbage bag of a marriage,

one power-trips the days away at his 'rent-a-cop' security job and stumbles along the thin line between heroin over-dose and the perfect high, to distract himself from good reasons to commit suicide,

another rents 'barney' and 'blues clues' movies from 'block-buster video' to enjoy a lengthy parenting conversation with the clerk, before going home to molest his niece, who flinches away from his hand like an abused house cat,

'owerful'.. Perhaps.. But my personal opinion is too obvious. You've described scenarios here which leave little now to the reader's imagination. I prefer leaving things a little more open, more subtle. As an example, a prostitute could become a 'lady of the night', his abused and depressed wife could speak of his anger being her creative muse.

I understand that you want the powerful contrast, but as you experiment with carefully crafted phrases I think you'll find that saying less can say a lot more.

Also don't be afraid to use fullstops. Sometimes commas are very useful in continuing the rhythm of a poem, but a full stop can dramatically end a certain section of the poem. This can be especially powerful when most of the rest of the poem is broken up with other methods of punctuation. It might not sound like a big thing, but if you read poetry aloud it's funny how much difference it can make on the intonation of a line.

Forgive me if I sound overly critical, that is not my intent. You've got great potential as a writer (I don't bother critiquing if people don't. ).

Regards,

Becky

👍: 0 ⏩: 2

oldest-boy In reply to Bexel100 [2008-10-30 16:01:21 +0000 UTC]

i fully appreciate your honesty, and it is splended food for thought...

definetly some critique i could take into effect,

thanks.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

Bexel100 In reply to Bexel100 [2008-10-30 15:52:18 +0000 UTC]

Pah, silly DA putting emotes into my words..

Powerful*

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MusicHunter [2008-10-30 04:18:29 +0000 UTC]

It makes me sad

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

oldest-boy In reply to MusicHunter [2008-10-30 16:11:45 +0000 UTC]

whether you realize it or not,
that is a compliment in disguise.

thank you

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

MusicHunter In reply to oldest-boy [2008-10-30 22:56:35 +0000 UTC]

Of course. Anything that would spur emotion I would hope to be taken as a compliment.

You're very welcome.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

oldest-boy In reply to MusicHunter [2008-10-30 22:57:00 +0000 UTC]

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xdoLLi [2008-10-30 03:26:41 +0000 UTC]

I applaud you.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

oldest-boy In reply to xdoLLi [2008-10-30 16:11:51 +0000 UTC]

thanks, i hope
you check out some
of my other work.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

quenjamin [2008-10-30 00:31:20 +0000 UTC]

This is very, very nice work.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

oldest-boy In reply to quenjamin [2008-10-30 16:13:10 +0000 UTC]

thank you

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

Garnet-43 [2008-10-29 22:58:46 +0000 UTC]

Perfect!

What a picture.

Combines the commonplace with the chilling

in a captivating way.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

oldest-boy In reply to Garnet-43 [2008-10-30 16:15:56 +0000 UTC]

👍: 0 ⏩: 1


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