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orangetot — Battle Field
Published: 2003-07-09 19:01:04 +0000 UTC; Views: 123; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 1
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Description
That damp burning feeling has seeped though your skin,Found its way inside you
And now it breaking you where no one can see,
And where nothing breathes
There there child,
I never said it wasnt a dream,
I just told you it isn\'t yours.
Suddenly, you have twice as many cards to play,
And suddenly its my army, not your.
Now the cat has turned the corner,
Let me lead you in to the fray, dear,
Let me tease you away from home, sweetness,
Let me try my hardest to hate you
Until the end of your days
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Comments: 1
Lovely! a few comments:
1) The first four lines are lovely and fit perfectly together, however, seem to lead a different story to the one at the end.
2) 'Now the cat has turned the corner' - excuse me... I'm sure this means something and it fits into the poem well but i just dont know what this means... did you make it up?
3) The plot seems to be a bit jumpy/brief. I think you may be trying to write from two different sides of view or something but let me give some examples:
'... Found its way inside you
And now it breaking you where no one can see,'
These two lines use the word 'you' a lot and seems to imply that the feeling/emotion you are writing about is now part of the person, and then you say this:
'I just told you it isn't yours.' ----- blatently implying that this emotion/ feeling you are describing is not actually part of them but belongs to somebody else.
This could have been very very cool indeed if maybe you described where this emotion has come from and plainly describe what it is that i must have missed.
4) Last four lines are pure genius and the fave. I'm giving you for this poem is completely due to these four lines.
Well done!
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