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phantom-inker — Guaranteed Popular Writing
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Published: 2006-11-16 18:14:29 +0000 UTC; Views: 22491; Favourites: 410; Downloads: 385
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The top ten ways you can guarantee your writing will be cool.I wrote this up because I was sick and tired of seeing the same beginner writing mistakes over and over and over and over and... well, you get the idea. These mistakes are repeated ad nauseam even by people who ought to know better, so I decided I'd do something about it.
And no, I'm not an English teacher. I'm a degreed computer scientist --- but I'm also well-known as a grammar nazi. (I've at times been both a proscriptive grammarian and a structural linguist, so my objective here is not to correct things that intentionally deviate from standard English, but to correct things that unintentionally deviate.)
This is stored as an image so that there's no ambiguity about what I intended to say. Actually, it's designed as a printable document, and I've included a PDF version for those of you who would like to print this out for reference. This document is freely shareable. Download it, print it, share it with your friends, and maybe, just maybe, there will be a little less unreadable gibberish out there as a result.
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Update, five years later: While this deviation continues to be much-loved by the literati, it's received no shortage of criticism from inexperienced writers, particularly fanfic writers. And so I will say this to those who would criticize: Before you start your complaint, read some books on writing, read some essays on writing, read Stephen King's On Writing, and make sure you know what you're talking about. Whether you like it or not, if you want your work published, if you want other authors to take notice, and if you want your readers not to toss your work aside in disgust, then correct grammar and spelling are required, plagiarism is theft, adverbs are evil, punctuation is strict, and second draft equals first draft minus ten percent.
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Comments: 197
*shrug* It's the way the law's written.
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Heh, word-cars. ^^
You are epic. Truly.
I love how you used 'her' instead of 'him' when talking about the reader. ^^
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That's a convention more and more writers are using these days to balance out the very heavy weight of "male readership" found in most documentation. I saw that for the first time in a textbook about fifteen years ago, and ever since then, I've tried hard to write so that about half of my "anonymous readership" is male and about half is female, which is only fair.
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A very astute speculation. 
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Easier, perhaps, but also grammatically incorrect: English does not have a gender-neutral third-person singular animate pronoun, so your choice is limited to "him" or "her."
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I just hate it when people don't separate their paragraphs, it makes it so hard to read, because there is some good writing in it, but it's really hard to chew through. Every writer should read something along these lines.
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Thank you for reminding the world.
May you be showered with glittery rose petals.
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Thank you. Thank you.
All of these bother me so much. I think the ones that bother me the most are... nevermind, I can't choose one. Maybe number one. Or number ten. Or eight. See? I can't choose.
For fanfiction... when I was younger I used to read it a lot and enjoyed it, but now I very rarely do. I find myself reading original "fanfiction", which is really not fanfiction at all, but original stories that aren't published anywhere aside from sites for fanfiction.
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great post
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I very nearly minored in linguistics back in college; to me, it's mathematics, it's hard science, applied to the study of the unique natural phenomenon known as language, and because I'm a geek, this fascinates me. But I would have had to stay at college another semester to get my minor, and nope, that wasn't gonna happen
So I understand well the difference between syntactic linguist and prescriptive grammarian, and in this I've very firmly stomped my foot down on the prescriptive side of the line. I respect the science of linguistic variation and find it a fascinating course of study, but in the end, the purpose of language is to communicate, and if you don't communicate, you fail.
"Fail" is bad. And this document is all about preventing "fail." So even though I highly respect linguistic evolution, I still am foreced to shout at the newbies to learn your damn punctuation and spelling or I shall throttle you with a salad fork.
And there you have it.
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Throttling with a salad fork
sounds grotesquely painful.
Thanks for the sexylong reply.
Usually the most I get is a "thanks." haha
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You're very welcome. I've been known to exhibit "diarrhea of the keyboard" more often than is probably healthy, so you're far more likely to get either a mile-long response from me or none at all than you are to get a one-line "thanks."
And I just discovered I misspelled "forced" in that last posting. Nuts.
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Number 4 and Number 5 made me laugh out loud. Thank you.
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This is really useful... for both aspiring writers, and for those people online who can't spell three-letter words and whose overall grammar is disgusting.
Thanks for making this. 
By the way, do you double space at the beginning of your sentences?
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Always. Sadly, HTML doesn't represent the double-space as such, but that doesn't stop me from doing it.
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Uh, number three is iffy. When writing footnotes to clarify something using an asterisk, using a smaller font is almost necessary. I know I'm annoyed, personally, if it's not a smaller font.
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Footnotes are a valid exception to the rule, and you are correct to note that they were not mentioned in the deviation; but again, they should retain the same typeface as the main text and use a smaller font. But the target audience of this is, I suspect, fairly unlikely to be writing footnotes in the first place: Most of the people who find value in a document like this are people whose prior writing consisted of an occasional middle-school English class and text messaging, who really would use (and have used 
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Heh, heh, I will. Yes, I understood the target audience, it was just something I noticed and thought I'd mention.
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This should be showed to most people on Fanfiction.net and the such 
If you want to see the English Language raped in the ass, just search for "My Immortal" in Harry Potter fan fics. It made me cry
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lawl seriously? I think I've read that one... AAAAAAHH!!! AND I HATED IT !!!
In the words of a very dear freund of mine...
"HEIL GRAMMAR!!"
BTW
Love the wording! "... Raped in the ass..." I died when I read that... lawl
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It's the worst of the worst
I have my ways with words
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I don't dare visit Fanfiction.net; the site's content made my eyes bleed some years ago, and I haven't felt the desire to endure that again. The "writers" there should probably read this document (or better yet, Strunk and White), but almost by definition, they won't.
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Hmmm, I never read that book. It's on my reading list now
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It's a useful book, and a very thin book; if you haven't read it, read it, because it won't take long, and you will learn from it.
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I sure will read it soon
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Just a random thing, but not all published writers actually use quotation marks, although their grasp on grammar is enough that they can pull it off. Chuck Palahniuk didn't always use quotations in the books I've read of his, and he's gathered what could practically be termed a cult following.
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I know there are good writers who break the rules, but they do so specifically because they know the rules: There's a big difference between knowing the rules and intentionally disobeying them and not knowing the rules at all. Most writers that use /weird/ ::symbols:: for quotation just don't know what they're doing and do it because they think it looks cool, when they don't realize they're like parents who think it's "cool" to "sing rap music" in front of their kids: Incredibly lame, and jam-packed with cluelessness that can be spotted a mile away. Just like those parents could --- given enough time --- learn to do it right, the writers could learn to creatively quote too, but both take a lot of effort and study. Writers should never attempt to break the rules until they know the rules well enough to be able to explain in detail why they're breaking them.
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But other than that and a previous commenter's view on fanfiction, this guide is very good and useful for writers, and I think that young writers should start out using correct grammar before they mess around with it.
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This is brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. :3
I'll admit, I'm an avid fan-fic writer. I love it to death. Except... It's not really fan-fiction, 'cause I'm not using any canon characters. 
Oh, my God. I'm guilty of using tildes in a couple of my writings to denote telepathic speech. 
P.S. - Don't bother browsing through my gallery for any decent writing. It's all in my notebook, and not on DA.
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Hahahahahahahahahaha! I love your signature! And your avatar! GO MEWTWO AND ODO!!!!!
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Omigosh, thank you so much! ^___^ I really appreciate all the faves you gave me. So kind.
I love those two~ 8DD
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You're welcome!
And thank you!
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Thanks!
There's nothing inherently wrong with writing a story in someone else's universe, and, in fact, the book Foundation's Friends is nothing more than other highly accomplished writers adding stories in Isaac Asimov's Foundation universe, with his blessing. I've just found that the majority of aspiring and beginning writers who write fanfiction use it as a crutch, so I'm cautioning against it here: Learn to tell your own stories and design your own characters first, and then if you want to go back and play with someone else's world, do so when you know what you're doing.
And yes, avoid the ~tildes~ and /slashes/ and ^squiggles^ and other crazy forms of punctuation. The Chicago Manual of Style doesn't include any rules for telepathy, sadly, so it doesn't really fit within the existing ruleset; but even without suitable rules to cover it, you can safely bend it to use italics or "quotation marks" without significant loss of meaning, and both of those forms have well-defined usage rules and histories so you're not grasping in the darkness.
As for adverbs: Buy yourself a copy of Stephen King's On Writing; it's an autobiography (of sorts) and is one of the best writer's resources you'll ever read. It's inexpensive (at least if you have a paying job it is), and I guarantee you'll read the second half of the book over and over again.
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Learn to tell your own stories and design your own characters first, and then if you want to go back and play with someone else's world, do so when you know what you're doing.
...Exactly what I've done. I started writing original fiction loooong before I started writing fanfiction. :3
Well, on that Telepathy thing, in this one (fantastically written, I might add 
I'll definitely check it out, especially since it's by Stephen King... Easily my favourite author. 83
Thanks so much for the tips!
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For the record, On Writing is not a horror book; in fact, it's somewhat meandering, and even a little disjointed in places. But the second half of the book, where he goes from talking about his upbringing to talking about the craft of writing itself, is immeasurably useful, and you'll read it over and over. It's definitely worth your time and your dollars.
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I realize that. But it would probably still be a great resource.
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I must disagree with your fanfiction comment. As many writers have said, emulating is a great way to learn. Writing in a 'universe' created by someone other than you, allows you to get a feel for what kind of universe you want to create. And if you try to copy that author's style, even better! It helps you find your own voice.
And the fanfiction world is very similar to the real world. To get '
Then, when you actually DO get published, you've got readers to tell you what THEY think. And chances are, you'll get some fans. And fans are great because they give you the confidence to continue writing, and even try to write an original piece.
I wrote fanfiction for seven years. While I have since stopped writing it, it has made me a better writer. A friend of mine wrote fanfiction for ten years and has just gotten her first book published and she says she owes it to fanfiction.
The rest of your tutorial is very nice and very true. But the fanfiction thing . . . while there's some terrible fanfiction out there (ok, so most of it atrocious), it isn't all bad for your writing. I suppose from an outsider or one who has not read good fanfiction, it would seem to be horrible. But once you get deep into the fandom world, you'll realise what I have.
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I agree with you. I started writing with fanfiction too, it's a great reference and a practice, also I think the best way to see other people's styles. I think it helps you to learn how to follow a storyline and keep character's traits well defined. (Though there are some very bad fanfiction writers out there).
The rest of the tutorial is very good. I think it's important to help your reader understand what's going on in your mind.
PS: I love your signature PreoSmo XD!
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I've read plenty of fanfiction (or, more accurately, skimmed it, because, as a whole, fanfiction takes Sturgeon's Law and squares it). And I stand by my statements: For every aspiring author who has successfully published a paper book thanks to her fanfiction experience, I can find you a thousand whose books owe more to classical study, to writing classes, to English classes, and to reading a broad swath of Dickens and Twain and Steinbeck and Shakespeare instead of reading only the latest Sailor Moon manga.
I encourage aspiring authors to steer clear of fanfiction because it is all-too-frequently a crutch, an excuse for not thinking or inventing or creating ideas of one's own. We all know that Bones is going to say, "He's dead, Jim," and that Kirk is going to be seduced by the alien girl, so writing any story containing those is very likely a waste of both your and your readers' time. Exercise your brain and come up with things the reader hasn't seen a thousand times over before. Writing fanfiction may teach you the principles of English writing, but while it's dutifully exercising the left side of your brain, the right side, the creative side, is still running at half-power at best.
I'm not saying that a fanfiction author can't write something new and unique and creative: What I'm saying is that 999 times out of a thousand, the fanfiction author won't --- the crutches of others' ideas are all too easy to lean on. So I encourage beginners to write from scratch because scratch requires creativity and ingenuity in ways that fanfiction rarely does, and repeatedly starting from zero generally yields a much better writer much more quickly than fanfiction will: A writer with good, unique, original ideas but with average grammar can hire a copy-editor and will eventually be able to find a publisher; but a writer with bad ideas and excellent grammar will never see her work appear anywhere but on a web site.
And for the record, print publishers tend to see things the same way: If you want to get yourself on the New York Times Bestseller list, a self-insert story where Harry Potter and Aragorn duke it out for your affections definitely isn't going to do the job. As "harsh" as those "selective" web sites may seem, the world of print publishers is a thousand times worse.
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First off, I must ask what makes the 'classics' any better than the contemporary. Honestly, I feel that some classics are good and some contemporary pieces are good. But just because something is 'classic' does not make it good literature. So I say to you, for every classically-taught author, there's one who worked in, say, engineering who thought, 'hey, I have a great story idea' and just wrote.
And you might wonder how one would know how to write WELL. You learn by doing. By getting feedback. Again, fanfiction does that. I'm not saying you learn EVERYTHING from fanfiction, oh no. But it's not just a crutch. Trust me on this and join WIKTT or other devoted fanfiction writer's groups and you'll see. You are only judging this based on being an outsider. I should know as I thought like you, too. Also, to read GOOD writing (not that all of it over there is good) go to [link] . Just because a writer continues writing fanfiction does not mean they use it as a crutch; it just means they like writing in that fandom.
Fanfiction is an excellent first step. You have ready-made characters to work with and a universe that already has a history. If they choose the lesser characters, all the better. For then they are forced to give that character depth. Also, in each fandom, there are dozens of platitudes to avoid. Learning to avoid those teaches you to think creatively.
I must urge you to read--not skim, read, some more fanfiction and don't form your opinion on the little you've read. For I can say that for each piece of fanfiction you skimmed, I've read ten. Don't base your opinion on what you read at fanfiction.net because that's not where the best is.
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You crack me up... "bzzzzz..) wrong.." LMAO, Thanks for that insightful correction.. you're da shyt.. lol
Something Wikked this way comes...
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It takes every single English teacher I've had half of my life to teach me this, but you have it on a page that I can read in less then five minutes?!?!
That is messed up.
Good grief, I swear I could stab some of the people that comment on here.
Sometimes it takes me three minutes to read one sentence.
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I'm glad you found it useful; it's surprising how much beneficial information is omitted from English classes these days.
I've been recently debating doing a "top ten grammatical errors" page; do you think that would be beneficial to you or anyone you know? Equally valid, are there any other writing cheat-sheets like this that you think would be useful to you or anyone you know?
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Oh, please write a top ten errors page. It would help a lot of people. (Including me 
As for the other part, a page dedicated to use of punctuation would help out. I still have trouble sometimes with colons and semicolons, and it's always nice for someone to be able to find that out all in one spot!
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Ask and you shall receive!
I still haven't done the top-ten-errors page yet, but the punctuation page was easy and fun.
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Ugh. Grammar is a bitch, and like was said below, those that should be reading this, don't know how to read, but seem to be passing their classes anyway. Stupid systems. No body cares anymore, do they?
I tend to make some mistakes in my own work, but I'm rather critical of other peoples >_> I enjoy reading work on fanfiction.net and fictionpress.com, but I won't go more than a few paragraphs if the writing is awful; Not the story itself - a lot are promising - but their way of writing is shocking; and I know you should comment with ways they could improve, but I'm much of the "Nothing nice, don't talk" 'cause I can get brutal, methinks.
I think I dislike people's inability to speak properly these days. Without a doubt, a good 90% of people put a "k" on the end of their "ing" words when they speak: "Somethink" instead of "something" is the most popular. And it drives me insane. There is no "K" in something!
Ah well, I guess we can't do anything about those who are unwilling to learn, change or try, can you? Just dig up those of quality, and enjoy their work!
Oh, a good site to check out is "Helium.com" There are loads of writers on there, and a lot of them are really good! (And you get paid for the articles you publish on there ~_^)
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Sadly, yeah, people who really should read this are probably least likely to do so. *shrug* I tried, at least.
And I generally don't comment much on other peoples' writing either, because I've been criticized in the past for being overly-critical. I don't attempt to be overly-critical: I simply intend for my commentary to be complete, and in some cases, a complete list of every grammar and spelling error alone would be a longer document than the original. So it's simpler to say nothing unless people specifically ask for a complete review, and then I pull out the Teacher's Red Pen of Death and give 'em what for
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