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phantomdata — Sealed Relationship
Published: 2002-12-23 01:50:38 +0000 UTC; Views: 77; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 7
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Description Sealed Relationship

She sealed this relationship
with a kiss
that night
I sat in her car, while she told me things
she didn't want to do it
she didn't want to leave.
I can't believe it, my head within my hands
she doesn't want to do it
she doesn't want to leave.
My heart feels thicker, as everything falls to pieces
she doesn't really care
all she wants is ease
Suppose it takes too much effort, for her to go through
I miss her now
even more than I used to
The words fall upon her lips, "next year's falling through"
my life is falling through
I promised you everything,
and my heart you took can't you see?
can't you see?
She expects me to follow, when she goes
expects me to give up everything
she won't give up a thing
I've given so much
wasted so much
as she tells me
as she seals this relationship.

Date: 12/22/02
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phantomdata - Phantomdata
Comments: 5

phantomdata [2002-12-23 02:19:42 +0000 UTC]

Thank you for the critique. The point of the first line being as such, was to seperate the flow of the poem. The poem is supposed to be a bit broken, and a bit manic. I never insist on using correct grammar in my poems, and just sort of let things flow as they reach my mind. I always thought that if you insisted on following grammar, and punctuation - that everything sounded hollow and cold. I think mistakes, and misgivings give a human touch to the totally abstract thought of writing. Anyway. That's my two cents. Thank you very much for the criticism though, and the relating.

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ignite [2002-12-23 02:13:00 +0000 UTC]

this poem kind of reminds me of a situation i was in. or am in. something like that. being vulnerable. now for my critique.

it reads a little awkwardly. i think the 2nd two lines should be combined as one;

She sealed this relationship
with a kiss that night;

..something along those lines. it would make the poem flow better. some descriptions could be improved, such as: "as everything falls to pieces" that line sounds a bit cliche. you always hear about things falling to pieces. in some areas the grammar seems to be a little messy,

"I promised you everything,
and my heart you took can't you see?"

i think a comma needs to be inserted somewhere in there to separate the ideas, or change "and my heart you took" to "and you took my heart" because that makes more sense. the rest of the grammar/spelling looks pretty good.

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rebelchic [2002-12-23 02:03:03 +0000 UTC]

I like how it loops around to the start like that.

Clever.

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phantomdata [2002-12-23 02:01:04 +0000 UTC]

heh. Thanks for the compliment. It's been a long time since I've written any poetry with repetition like that. I made my thumbnail pic February of last year, lol. I just wanted something simple to stand out a bit.

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idealisticnymph [2002-12-23 01:57:26 +0000 UTC]

i like the poem a lot, esp. the repetition. (she didn't/she doesn't/as she)

tis funny.. you're pic for the poem looks *a lot* like my deviantartID.. oddness. I think I might have used the same color blue too.. what a small world


denise

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