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phixion — Sin
Published: 2003-01-30 05:41:34 +0000 UTC; Views: 789; Favourites: 5; Downloads: 68
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Description
Lights dimmed,Tracing constellations on your starmap skin.
Night's chilly embrace forsaken,
To willingly succumb to your own.
Take you in my arms.
Now I can breathe for the both of us,
And count all the stars in your ivory eyes.
Gently lining your silky neck with velvet kisses
As your nails softly claw my back.
Words misplaced and discarded
Somewhere on the floor,
Tossed carelessly aside with warm attire.
Drinking carnal vice and sweat
From off your willowy stomach,
To drown them in my bloodstream;
Veins of rapture and adrenaline.
Chocolate and cinnamon mementos,
While sucking lust from your pores.
Drunken elation/hybrid delusion.
Tasting of your impurities,
Crass and candy-coated,
As you partake of my own
Coarse confectionary.
Savoring the honey of sin's seduction,
As it drips and melts away,
Crude passion and emotion,
Liquid lightning ire, ambrosia;
Bottled and sealed in the night's tempest,
By the vigil of the grim and lonesome clock.
Defying simple logic for a single night.
One and one are one.
Defying simple logic...
Comments: 21
Simply gorgeous, very beautiful and moving with a erotic heat to it. Well done!
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gorgeous! i hardly think this is erotic, though--it's sweet, just like all the candy imagery you have! and hehe the title isn't so appropriate...this "sin" harldy seems sinful at all, the way you describe it so beautifully...or it that the point?
that being said, on to drool over my favorite parts...
the starmap skin and stars in ivory eyes is very cool...i get this image of this mirror-like person, reflecting the beauty of the sky's stars.
"As your nails softly claw my back"--ahh, just a hint of the "sinfluness" that seems to be missing from this poem entitled "sin." works well here, nice contrast to the romantic imagery before and after, especially with "Gently lining your silky neck with velvet kisses."
"Words misplaced and discarded
Somewhere on the floor,
Tossed carelessly aside with warm attire"...no need for words, just like there is no need for clothing
"Drinking carnal vice and sweat
From off your willowy stomach,"...i don't know what people are talking about, these are my favorite lines. the description of "willowly" is just so unusual, it completely makes the lines.
and of course the chocolate/candy/honey/ambrosia extension is good.
such a beautifully simple poem, simply defying simple logic
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For just one apple of this sin Eve was exiled from the garden of Eden... And it was worth it!
A very, very impressive poem.
My respect,
Selune Frozen Flower
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you say you've never written this sort of poetry before?
then this is brilliant.
it speaks volumes yet, seems suspended in a silent animation.
well done! all the best for the rest of your "journey to counquer the categories"
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ahh youre definitely on your way to writing a poem for each category.. and it's clear that it's going pretty well ;]
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Yup, that's erotic all right!
I really like the imagery with words "misplaced and discarded somewhere on the floor." Everything else is well done too, but there's one bit I didn't quite go for:
Drinking carnal vice and sweat
From off your willowy stomach,
To drown them in my bloodstream
Can you drown liquid? It didn't sound right to me. I think a substitute for "drown" might work better. But other than that, great poem!
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i love the starmap skin. simply wonderful. i like how you incorporated silky/velvet together in line 8.
"Tasting of your impurities,
Crass and candy-coated,
As you partake of my own
Coarse confectionary."
was also great. good erotic poetry isn't easy to do. i'm impressed.
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Pretty good. I have a headache now so I had to skim it but I got the gest of it. In all seriousness the word "foreskin" should have been included in this. LOL. Love it. I don't understand what you meant by it being weird. Same ol' good poet, mister phixion!
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Great.
Just great.
This piece overflows with imagery of a saccharine, yet spicy seduction. Every movement stood out in my mind. I like.
But as for a critical review:
Drinking carnal vice and sweat
From off your willowy stomach,
To drown them in my bloodstream;
--seems a little... eh. Excellent imagery is being expressed, it's just that the thought of drinking sweat from someone's stomach seems weird to me. You may not have meant it literally, but I feel another verb is needed to lessen the strength of the image portrayed. Just an opinion.
Other than that, this is a very...uh... appetizing poem.
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I didn't see all the categories, but I may not know what categories you are referring to. It definately was very organized and told the story. Good stuff.
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"While sucking lust from your pores."
ummm...damn man!
this is the most sensorially evocative poem I've read at DA.
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diff' from your usual style but the wording and flow were excellent-
totally enjoyed read- great job..
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starmap skin
very nice
it reminds me of marilyn monroe
and edward scissor hands
its classy but still....raunchy
Innocent but still... desired
i love it!
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The final draft of this is positively delicious.. it gave me *shivers* to read.. and melted me with its warmth. Congratulations on conquering this category of categories.. this is damn good.
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i think i blew a fuse. this is an incredibly sensual piece of work. you've got absolutely nothing to be nervous about. "Now I can breathe for the both of us..." it's that one line. very impressive. and highly addicting- the mixed imagery of sugar, sex, and "eating"...
------erica lee
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