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Description
PART I

Short, shimmery, and senile, the king of Tuna Land was an admired figure – if only for his past achievements. Having taken the name Doddle upon achieving royal status, he ruled for twenty-five years. The latter ten was when he began his descent into senility after taking a brutal blow to the face from an enemy shark's tail. It started with forgetfulness, but rather rapidly he progressed into his current state, which consisted of uncontrollable rage, random bouts of acute amnesia, and frothing of the mouth. He also took on a florid hew, which was unappealing to most.

Today, he was to be replaced by Pike, his nephew and heir. Of course, Doddle had no idea; he was engrossed totally by a grain of salt that was floating serenely before his eyes. Pike was rapt, and expectedly, for the young Tuna was to be crowned king.

Conk shells sounded suddenly, calling for the start of the ceremony. Fish from across the sea came to attend having ventured for days, braving shark infested waters and strong currents merely to watch this coronation. As they all gathered, the king's long time aid, Jup, began speaking in his all too familiar booming voice. His eyes were dull in color; he was getting old.

"On this day we gather here to celebrate the rise of a new king, Pike!" he gestured with a fin to the lad. "Let us welcome him with open hearts!" Cheers erupted, and Jup waited for them to die before continuing. "Now, I call upon our current monarch, our great leader, our holy one: Doddle! Let him approach his heir and give him blessing!"

Unfortunately, Doddle was nowhere to be found. Confused murmurs circulated until, finally, a member of the audience spotted him. He was floating on his side, on his way to the surface. It was clear to all, mainly because he had lost his ruddy appearance, which was replaced with a much cooler, darker, ice blue, that he was dead. The silence that followed could not have been louder than the sound God makes when He speaks to us. A few rebellious children dared to cry.

Jup eventually broke it, though. "In light of…this event…I must say something." He mumbled to himself, seemed confused, as if unsure of whether or not to allow tears to flow. "Doddle was…a great ruler. Before he became senile he brought Tuna Land a many great things. For example, he gave us peace by fighting off the sharks of Vile Ville. He walked among us when disease ran rampant, and comforted – without fear of infection himself! – those who were sick. Let us not remember him for his later stupid days, but for his alpha ones. The ones where he proved he knew how to lead. May he rest peacefully!" (Doddle ended up being mistaken for a live tuna, was packaged as such, sold, and ingested by a family … They got food poisoning.)

PART II

Pike was amusing himself with a trick he invented as a child; he would create an air-pocket within his mouth and then release the air, causing a bubble to form. Watching it accelerate to the surface was calming somehow. He was glad for it, too, because Tuna Land was presently at war with Vile Ville. After his coronation last year, where his uncle had died, the members of Tuna Land began blaming the sharks, claiming they had poisoned Doddle. It wasn't true, of course. He knew this because he had been part of a scheme to get him, Doddle, out of the way so he could take over. What they did was place the poison in a grain of salt, which was a feat in itself, and then put that salt in a place where Doddle would get it. Pike had assured his coconspirators that Doddle would definitely eat the thing; he was right. Doddle had been senile, after all.

The plan seemed flawless, and was executed flawlessly. If Pike had any complaints, it was that he should've predicted the people would blame the sharks. He had wanted to avoid war at all costs, but months went by and the tension grew, and he was ultimately forced to acquiesce to the demands of "his" people, who he hated. He didn't want to be king in order to help anyone, he wanted sex. And lots of it. It seems dumb, but Pike was smart, and he had nothing to challenge him in his youth; therefore, most of his mind was slowly lured into the land of sensuality.

So far, he hadn't received any sex. It wasn't bothersome, at first, because he assumed that the war would end quickly, he would be heralded as a great man and worthy king, and the women would flock to him in scores. Unfortunately, that whole war with the sharks was taking quite a long while, and he didn't have much time before the people became restless and doubtful of his strategic abilities.

In a roundabout way, he was forced to draw upon his intellect to attain that which drained him of said intellect over the past decades. Calling his senior generals, he debriefed them on his plans, which, to their astonishment, seemed amazingly plausible.

To shed some light on this whole war thing, allow me to delineate what exactly is going on. First, and obviously, the Doddle was claimed to have been assassinated by sharks when, in fact, it was his sexually perverted nephew Pike who planned his death. Second, due to the fact that the population didn't simply accept Doddle's death, Pike was forced to take action on their ignorant hypothesis and declare war on the sharks over false accusations. Third, and what hasn't been explained thus far, is that the sharks surprisingly didn't deny the claims put against them; indeed, they immediately plead guilty, as if they were eager to fight.

Now, the sharks are smaller in numbers, but one alone can take down several tuna before being incapacitated. Even considering this though, the tuna still outnumber the sharks two to one. So why did the sharks wish to fight? Well, as the tuna will soon find out, they have an incidental ally: the humans that hunt tuna. Ingeniously, the sharks have been mapping out the paths of dozens of ships that cross over or near Tuna Land, and they've been instigating fights only along, or in close proximity to, these paths.

But wouldn't the sharks also then be captured with the tuna, you ask? No, because they've also been studying the relative speed of descent of the nets cast by the ships, the area they encompass just before they are pulled taut shut, and how long it would take to swim up and out before that happens. The sharks are also stealing a tactic from the dolphins, with a bit of a modification. What they are doing is taking the corpses of recently deceased tuna and ripping them open (releasing what's left of the blood into the water) while quickly encircling groups of tuna. The red cloud becomes almost perfectly opaque, and obscures the vision of the tuna, sending them into a panic. Then, the sharks attack one by one, taking turns nipping at the tuna, scaring them even more, until finally the tuna let their panic take over and they begin fleeing the protective mist where the sharks can easily pick them off without personal injury.

Because of all this, the tuna have been forced back into the confines of Tuna Land, where they are desperately, but so far stoically and solidly holding the sharks off. And now we'll skip forward a bit to the scene where Pike gets to implement his tactical skill in order to keep his strategy alive.

It took a few hours, but Pike was able to escape without being seen by sharks or tuna, then a few more to reach the shallow alcove that led into a massive cave. There, he met with Gill, the sharks' king, and struck a bargain: the sharks would lay off Tuna Land for a payment of several thousand fertilized tuna eggs a week. With them, the sharks could grow, like humans do cows, the tuna for slaughter. Gill only wanted them weekly because he knew there would be mistakes. Pike only agreed to this because it meant he could have all the sex he wanted.

In the end, Tuna Land became an emaciated country, like North Korea, with its king living lavishly while his country languishes.

That is, until Pike died from an aneurism while having an orgasm. His left eyeball literally blew up.

And then from that eyeball was born a boy, Steeev, who would rise to greatness like the Cincinnatus of late and restore Tuna Land to its once great stature! KABAM! POW! With great vigor he would rape the evil assholes of the sharks, and they would subordinate themselves when all was said and done. (Cincinnatus didn't do that, by the way). AND EVERYTHING WENT BACK TO AMAZING PEACEFULNESS WHERE PEOPLE COULD – FISH, I MEAN – COULD HAVE A DAY WITHOUT HAVING TO WORRY ABOUT THE VILE PIKE IMPREGNANTING THEM. He was even able to do it to men – male fish.

Epic ending outro go!

All hail the majestic Steeev and his gallant ruling ways! In the name of the great pissing bee we salute you! Under the banner of the rainbow-shitting unicron we pray for you!

Description
PART I

Short, shimmery, and senile, the king of Tuna Land was an admired figure – if only for his past achievements. Having taken the name Doddle upon achieving royal status, he ruled for twenty-five years. The latter ten was when he began his descent into senility after taking a brutal blow to the face from an enemy shark's tail. It started with forgetfulness, but rather rapidly he progressed into his current state, which consisted of uncontrollable rage, random bouts of acute amnesia, and frothing of the mouth. He also took on a florid hew, which was unappealing to most.

Today, he was to be replaced by Pike, his nephew and heir. Of course, Doddle had no idea; he was engrossed totally by a grain of salt that was floating serenely before his eyes. Pike was rapt, and expectedly, for the young Tuna was to be crowned king.

Conk shells sounded suddenly, calling for the start of the ceremony. Fish from across the sea came to attend having ventured for days, braving shark infested waters and strong currents merely to watch this coronation. As they all gathered, the king's long time aid, Jup, began speaking in his all too familiar booming voice. His eyes were dull in color; he was getting old.

"On this day we gather here to celebrate the rise of a new king, Pike!" he gestured with a fin to the lad. "Let us welcome him with open hearts!" Cheers erupted, and Jup waited for them to die before continuing. "Now, I call upon our current monarch, our great leader, our holy one: Doddle! Let him approach his heir and give him blessing!"

Unfortunately, Doddle was nowhere to be found. Confused murmurs circulated until, finally, a member of the audience spotted him. He was floating on his side, on his way to the surface. It was clear to all, mainly because he had lost his ruddy appearance, which was replaced with a much cooler, darker, ice blue, that he was dead. The silence that followed could not have been louder than the sound God makes when He speaks to us. A few rebellious children dared to cry.

Jup eventually broke it, though. "In light of…this event…I must say something." He mumbled to himself, seemed confused, as if unsure of whether or not to allow tears to flow. "Doddle was…a great ruler. Before he became senile he brought Tuna Land a many great things. For example, he gave us peace by fighting off the sharks of Vile Ville. He walked among us when disease ran rampant, and comforted – without fear of infection himself! – those who were sick. Let us not remember him for his later stupid days, but for his alpha ones. The ones where he proved he knew how to lead. May he rest peacefully!" (Doddle ended up being mistaken for a live tuna, was packaged as such, sold, and ingested by a family … They got food poisoning.)

PART II

Pike was amusing himself with a trick he invented as a child; he would create an air-pocket within his mouth and then release the air, causing a bubble to form. Watching it accelerate to the surface was calming somehow. He was glad for it, too, because Tuna Land was presently at war with Vile Ville. After his coronation last year, where his uncle had died, the members of Tuna Land began blaming the sharks, claiming they had poisoned Doddle. It wasn't true, of course. He knew this because he had been part of a scheme to get him, Doddle, out of the way so he could take over. What they did was place the poison in a grain of salt, which was a feat in itself, and then put that salt in a place where Doddle would get it. Pike had assured his coconspirators that Doddle would definitely eat the thing; he was right. Doddle had been senile, after all.

The plan seemed flawless, and was executed flawlessly. If Pike had any complaints, it was that he should've predicted the people would blame the sharks. He had wanted to avoid war at all costs, but months went by and the tension grew, and he was ultimately forced to acquiesce to the demands of "his" people, who he hated. He didn't want to be king in order to help anyone, he wanted sex. And lots of it. It seems dumb, but Pike was smart, and he had nothing to challenge him in his youth; therefore, most of his mind was slowly lured into the land of sensuality.

So far, he hadn't received any sex. It wasn't bothersome, at first, because he assumed that the war would end quickly, he would be heralded as a great man and worthy king, and the women would flock to him in scores. Unfortunately, that whole war with the sharks was taking quite a long while, and he didn't have much time before the people became restless and doubtful of his strategic abilities.

In a roundabout way, he was forced to draw upon his intellect to attain that which drained him of said intellect over the past decades. Calling his senior generals, he debriefed them on his plans, which, to their astonishment, seemed amazingly plausible.

To shed some light on this whole war thing, allow me to delineate what exactly is going on. First, and obviously, the Doddle was claimed to have been assassinated by sharks when, in fact, it was his sexually perverted nephew Pike who planned his death. Second, due to the fact that the population didn't simply accept Doddle's death, Pike was forced to take action on their ignorant hypothesis and declare war on the sharks over false accusations. Third, and what hasn't been explained thus far, is that the sharks surprisingly didn't deny the claims put against them; indeed, they immediately plead guilty, as if they were eager to fight.

Now, the sharks are smaller in numbers, but one alone can take down several tuna before being incapacitated. Even considering this though, the tuna still outnumber the sharks two to one. So why did the sharks wish to fight? Well, as the tuna will soon find out, they have an incidental ally: the humans that hunt tuna. Ingeniously, the sharks have been mapping out the paths of dozens of ships that cross over or near Tuna Land, and they've been instigating fights only along, or in close proximity to, these paths.

But wouldn't the sharks also then be captured with the tuna, you ask? No, because they've also been studying the relative speed of descent of the nets cast by the ships, the area they encompass just before they are pulled taut shut, and how long it would take to swim up and out before that happens. The sharks are also stealing a tactic from the dolphins, with a bit of a modification. What they are doing is taking the corpses of recently deceased tuna and ripping them open (releasing what's left of the blood into the water) while quickly encircling groups of tuna. The red cloud becomes almost perfectly opaque, and obscures the vision of the tuna, sending them into a panic. Then, the sharks attack one by one, taking turns nipping at the tuna, scaring them even more, until finally the tuna let their panic take over and they begin fleeing the protective mist where the sharks can easily pick them off without personal injury.

Because of all this, the tuna have been forced back into the confines of Tuna Land, where they are desperately, but so far stoically and solidly holding the sharks off. And now we'll skip forward a bit to the scene where Pike gets to implement his tactical skill in order to keep his strategy alive.

It took a few hours, but Pike was able to escape without being seen by sharks or tuna, then a few more to reach the shallow alcove that led into a massive cave. There, he met with Gill, the sharks' king, and struck a bargain: the sharks would lay off Tuna Land for a payment of several thousand fertilized tuna eggs a week. With them, the sharks could grow, like humans do cows, the tuna for slaughter. Gill only wanted them weekly because he knew there would be mistakes. Pike only agreed to this because it meant he could have all the sex he wanted.

In the end, Tuna Land became an emaciated country, like North Korea, with its king living lavishly while his country languishes.

That is, until Pike died from an aneurism while having an orgasm. His left eyeball literally blew up.

And then from that eyeball was born a boy, Steeev, who would rise to greatness like the Cincinnatus of late and restore Tuna Land to its once great stature! KABAM! POW! With great vigor he would rape the evil assholes of the sharks, and they would subordinate themselves when all was said and done. (Cincinnatus didn't do that, by the way). AND EVERYTHING WENT BACK TO AMAZING PEACEFULNESS WHERE PEOPLE COULD – FISH, I MEAN – COULD HAVE A DAY WITHOUT HAVING TO WORRY ABOUT THE VILE PIKE IMPREGNANTING THEM. He was even able to do it to men – male fish.

Epic ending outro go!

All hail the majestic Steeev and his gallant ruling ways! In the name of the great pissing bee we salute you! Under the banner of the rainbow-shitting unicron we pray for you!