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pullingcandy β€” How To Say Goodbye
Published: 2012-03-05 18:53:04 +0000 UTC; Views: 21758; Favourites: 872; Downloads: 614
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Description Dear Unborn Child, Whom I Let Go;

When I was thirteen and four months old, and you were thirteen years younger, I decided to let you go. You squirmed in opposition beneath my ribcage, up against my pelvis, and I licked my lips and tried to smile while I leaned my forehead on the cool glass of the car, hellbound.

I remember sea weed insertion, dilation, cramps and bleeding. Orange smoothies from Dairy Queen that I threw up, and I hoped you were mingling in the remains of my summer day treat, so I could put this behind me. Pretend I was 'moving on'. I laid in the bathtub of a hotel room for six hours, trying to melt you away in scalding water from a rusty tap, yet you clung on, holding tightly to the walls of my pelvic region. Wiggling upwards, towards my throat. Past my teeth. You're trying to get out, but my family has decided you won't breathe when you're released from your bloody shackles; you may as well settle down now, sweet son, settle down.

The rest of this, to me, is a blur. There is a car ride, and protestors. I know you had finger nails, eyelids, heft and weight. I know how you were created. I am (was) just stupid, and I knew (thought) I was in love with a deviant, and a bastard, but after you are expelled I will go back to him. I think we both knew that. There is a chair, and an elderly woman, forceps, an injection. And after...there is a hazy forty-five minutes where I believe that I have died. Hope I have died. Realize I have not, and blink slowly under the glare of clinical lighting.

I caught a glimpse of you, my boy, before you were completely removed from this world; bloody chunks quiet and gleaming, no longer moving, no longer clawing your way up my windpipe to exit through the gaps in my teeth.

I don't know if I will miss you.

Antibiotics. My mother cried as she handed me the bulky package. I don't know if she cried for you, or for me, or for herself at my age. I will never know, I won't ever care. I don't even know why I remember that she asked me, after, if I was sure. I believe the proper question would have been are YOU sure, Mother. Are you sure the steps you've taken in your life that have brought us to this point were the ones you intended. Are you sure?

I remember you, small being, as I hold my daughter's hand, now. In a crowded mall, or sweeping dust bunnies from the floor in my kitchen. When my youngest wears blue, I wonder if she looks like you would have, and when my eldest stares at me in that unsettling way, that way only children know how to do, I believe that somewhere, somehow, you're staring at me like that too.

Always;
Your Mother
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Comments: 1187

pullingcandy In reply to ??? [2012-04-03 14:33:39 +0000 UTC]

Thank you, so much, for taking the time to read it. I know you're a busy lady. You're a doll.

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WDWParksGal In reply to pullingcandy [2012-04-03 15:47:48 +0000 UTC]

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AngelheartTheWarrior In reply to ??? [2012-03-29 01:01:03 +0000 UTC]

This is beautiful and sad at the same time. Reading this has made me think about how lucky I am to have survived this far, and I'm praying I will survive until death takes its final toll on me, until it finally starts eating away at me and I am sent away to the afterworld. Death has already tried to take it's toll at me once, on a street, and I hope it does not take it's final toll, the end of my life, at me soon.

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pullingcandy In reply to AngelheartTheWarrior [2012-04-03 14:34:17 +0000 UTC]

Everyone is lucky to have survived. I thank you for taking the time to read this piece, it was moments from your life that you spent on me. Thank you.

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AngelheartTheWarrior In reply to pullingcandy [2012-04-28 02:27:45 +0000 UTC]

No problem.
Everyone is lucky to have survived, you are right with that part.

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Moombeam36 In reply to ??? [2012-03-20 02:37:13 +0000 UTC]

Both saddening and beautiful. You're very brave, sharing something like this with us. I applaud and thank you for that.

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pullingcandy In reply to Moombeam36 [2012-03-20 21:08:17 +0000 UTC]

Thank you.

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DarkRiderDLMC In reply to ??? [2012-03-16 11:57:48 +0000 UTC]

I have no words.

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pullingcandy In reply to DarkRiderDLMC [2012-03-16 18:16:17 +0000 UTC]

You had some
Thanks for reading.

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Swerd12 In reply to ??? [2012-03-13 22:02:49 +0000 UTC]

The end part is the best. I like how you reflect back on everything, the unanswered questions... This is a beautiful piece.

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pullingcandy In reply to Swerd12 [2012-03-14 15:44:59 +0000 UTC]

Thank you for reading...I appreciate that.

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Mercury-the-Queen In reply to ??? [2012-03-11 23:54:05 +0000 UTC]

Don't listen to the haters- they don't know what it's like. (Then, neither do I, but that is exactly the reason that I can't say "you're wrong" or "you're right." They shouldn't judge people if they haven't walked in their shoes, you know?)

I DO know this: this is a powerful, daring piece. I am in awe of your bravery, your courage, your strength. You are a beautiful soul.

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pullingcandy In reply to Mercury-the-Queen [2012-03-12 21:53:53 +0000 UTC]

Thank you.
Thank you for the lovely comment, and taking the time to read the piece. I appreciate it, greatly.

Some haters know, though. They're just more opinionated then most, and have to share it.

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Mercury-the-Queen In reply to pullingcandy [2012-03-13 10:17:49 +0000 UTC]

You are so welcome.

But everyone experiences a thing like that in a different way, correct? So even if they've been through it, their situation might have been totally different than yours. That's why it's pointless to listen to them.

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pullingcandy In reply to Mercury-the-Queen [2012-03-13 15:11:06 +0000 UTC]

I don't, I won't. It's why I didn't take the work down. My life, my writing, my post, my account, my rules, therefore the naysayers can't tell me what to think/feel/post/do with what I post.

The experiences may be similar, but there is never two experiences alike. Everyone feels and deals differently. The disclaimer was absolutely needed, though.

Especially with all the talk of womens birth control, and anti-abortion going on. It's insane - I'm not American, for one thing, therefore it has nothing to do with me. But everyone seems to think I posted this in regards to the news! Why on Earth would I do that.

I appreciate that you feel the way you do, though. A nice, clear head and a lovely comment go a long way on the internet.

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pagan-poetess In reply to ??? [2012-03-10 22:04:37 +0000 UTC]

wow. i wish i could give you an amazing critique of this but i can't find the words to explain how beautiful and haunting it is. it's so powerful and the emotions are so raw and genuine

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pullingcandy In reply to pagan-poetess [2012-03-10 23:13:31 +0000 UTC]

Oh, not needed. It's lovely that you took the time to read it, and that, in itself, is more than enough for me.

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pagan-poetess In reply to pullingcandy [2012-03-15 23:58:28 +0000 UTC]

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dreamsinstatic In reply to ??? [2012-03-10 01:51:21 +0000 UTC]

Your fantastic work has been featured in Friday Night Features .

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pullingcandy In reply to dreamsinstatic [2012-03-10 03:38:14 +0000 UTC]

Wow, thank you.

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dreamsinstatic In reply to pullingcandy [2012-03-10 06:33:33 +0000 UTC]

Always my pleasure

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Talkerwolf In reply to ??? [2012-03-08 17:48:14 +0000 UTC]

This made me cry
It was really well written though. You are an exellent writer

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pullingcandy In reply to Talkerwolf [2012-03-08 20:17:07 +0000 UTC]

I thank you for taking the time to read this. I am sorry for the tears, though.

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Talkerwolf In reply to pullingcandy [2012-03-09 17:23:42 +0000 UTC]

Ha, no, don't worry about it.
It was worth the tears

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pullingcandy In reply to Talkerwolf [2012-03-10 23:08:17 +0000 UTC]

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A-Lovely-Anxiety In reply to ??? [2012-03-07 21:41:21 +0000 UTC]

This is really amazing. The emotions clung to my heart from the first words.

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pullingcandy In reply to A-Lovely-Anxiety [2012-03-08 03:10:04 +0000 UTC]

Thank you for reading it

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Sayuri14 In reply to ??? [2012-03-07 20:55:54 +0000 UTC]

I feel...cynical by faving this. But the raw emotion and the way you wrote this wnet through my heart.

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pullingcandy In reply to Sayuri14 [2012-03-07 21:13:15 +0000 UTC]

Cynical seems to be a strange word to describe it.

I thank you, for the favorite, though.

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Caedy In reply to ??? [2012-03-07 19:46:13 +0000 UTC]

Beautifully written, and it made me think of my own, long since gone.

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pullingcandy In reply to Caedy [2012-03-07 21:13:28 +0000 UTC]

I am so sorry to hear that.
Thank you for taking the time to read it.

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Caedy In reply to pullingcandy [2012-03-07 23:52:56 +0000 UTC]

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sunwolf29 In reply to ??? [2012-03-07 03:42:54 +0000 UTC]

It is wonderfully written, wonderfully brutally honest glimpse into the past. Please don't apologise for my tears though - I see them as a gift from you to me, from sharing your feelings and life in such a way to have an impact.

We really are beings of our past and how we engulf the emotions, then experience, and the viewpoints.

Thank you for sharing!

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pullingcandy In reply to sunwolf29 [2012-03-07 03:48:49 +0000 UTC]

I like your preemptive stance on the tears.

So I won't apologize, but I will thank you for taking the time out of your day to read this, and then to comment. And it was a lovely comment.

You are correct - we very much are beings who are impacted by the past. Memories are often hard to bear, but even though we have terrible, brutal moments in our lives, the good ones are also there. And I am thankful for every life experience, and every memory I have.

Thank YOU for reading.

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CaseyDN In reply to ??? [2012-03-07 03:11:28 +0000 UTC]

Its heartbreaking, I'm blurry with tears as I write this. I imagine its a pain that will never go away, and I hope you are blessed.

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pullingcandy In reply to CaseyDN [2012-03-07 03:23:50 +0000 UTC]

I am blessed, now. Life has a funny way of becoming a bandaid in times of need.
Thank you for taking the time to read this, and thank you for the comment. I'm sorry for the tears, though.

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CaseyDN In reply to pullingcandy [2012-03-07 05:14:09 +0000 UTC]

I'm glad to hear, I am sad for all the babies who have died before they could live. Have a good week

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pullingcandy In reply to CaseyDN [2012-03-07 05:15:57 +0000 UTC]

You too, and thank you so much, once again.

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CaseyDN In reply to pullingcandy [2012-03-07 07:16:41 +0000 UTC]

Welcome

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aninfinitygame In reply to ??? [2012-03-06 23:07:39 +0000 UTC]

oh god. the writing in this is beautiful and there’s so much raw emotion in this. thank you so much for putting this up here, it must have taken a lot of courage.

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pullingcandy In reply to aninfinitygame [2012-03-06 23:17:19 +0000 UTC]

Thank you for taking the time to read it. I can't express how much it means to me to know somebody, somewhere, took that time out of their day.
It did take a lot of courage, but it's been 18 years. It was time.

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TheLastHuzzah In reply to ??? [2012-03-06 16:06:51 +0000 UTC]

Beautifully written

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pullingcandy In reply to TheLastHuzzah [2012-03-06 16:15:19 +0000 UTC]

Thank you for reading

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thelytlemonster In reply to ??? [2012-03-06 06:14:01 +0000 UTC]

This is... so heart felt. Thank you for posting. It was beautifully put.

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pullingcandy In reply to thelytlemonster [2012-03-06 15:20:10 +0000 UTC]

Thank you for reading it. That means the world

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Bardic-Tales In reply to ??? [2012-03-06 05:58:07 +0000 UTC]

Hi. I want to say that I featured this in my journal - [link]

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pullingcandy In reply to Bardic-Tales [2012-03-06 15:21:09 +0000 UTC]

Thank you very much. I appreciate it.

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Judah-Leonardo In reply to ??? [2012-03-06 04:49:14 +0000 UTC]

I really can't describe how lovely and delicately sad this is--I really feel the emotion through it and with it. It's a brave and beautiful piece. Thanks for sharing it with the world, truly.

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pullingcandy In reply to Judah-Leonardo [2012-03-06 15:22:37 +0000 UTC]

Thank you for reading it, truly.
I'm so happy I was able to convey emotion that reaches a reader with it. That's all I wanted to do.

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rebeccaleigh50 In reply to ??? [2012-03-06 04:01:14 +0000 UTC]

this is quite beautiful, and sad, I have never been in this situation but your description really conveys the pain and confusion that someone has to go through during such an experience.

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